Kings 1
And Moab rebelled against Israel after the death of Ahab. And Ahaziah fell down through a lattice in his upper room in Samaria, and was sick. And he sent messengers and said to them, Go, ask of Baal-zebub the god of Ekron whether I shall recover of this disease. But the angel of the LORD said to Elijah the Tishbite, Arise! Go up to meet the messengers of the king of Samaria and say to them, Is it not because no God is in Israel that you go to ask of Baal-zebub the god of Ekron? And therefore so says the LORD, You shall not come from that bed on which you have gone up, but shall surely die. And Elijah left. And the messengers turned back to him. And he said, Why have you now turned back? And they said to him, A man came up to meet us and said to us, Go, turn again to the king who sent you, and say to him, So says the LORD, Is it not because no God is in Israel that you go to ask of Baal-zebub the god of Ekron? Therefore, you shall not come down from that bed on which you have gone up, but shall surely die. And he said to them, What kind of man was he who came up to meet you and told you these words? And they answered him, He was a hairy man and was bound with a girdle of leather around his loins. And he said, He is Elijah the Tishbite.
I see we are starting off well here. A lattice bed someone is dying in…and Elijah is hairy. I see these stupid Jews are asking for help from other gods…again.
And he sent to him a commander of fifty with his fifty. And he went up to him. And, behold, he sat on the top of a hill. And he spoke to him, Man of God! The king has said, Come down. And Elijah answered and said to the commander of fifty, If I am a man of God, then let fire come down from the heavens and burn up you and your fifty. And there came down fire from the heavens and burned up him and his fifty. And he turned and he sent to him another commander of fifty with his fifty. And he answered and said to him, Man of God! So says the king, Come down quickly. And Elijah answered and said to him, If I am a man of God, let fire come down from the heavens and burn up you and your fifty. And the fire of God came down from the heavens and burned up him and his fifty. And he turned and sent again a third commander of fifty and his fifty. And the third commander of fifty came up and fell on his knees before Elijah, and begged him, and said to him, Man of God, Please let my life and the life of these fifty, your servants, be precious in your sight. Behold, fire has come down from the heavens and burned up the two commanders of the former fifties with their fifties. And now let my life be precious in your sight. And the Angel of the LORD said to Elijah, Go down with him. Do not be afraid of him. And he arose and went down with him to the king. And he said to him, So says the LORD, Because you have sent messengers to ask of Baal-zebub the god of Ekron, Is it not because no God is in Israel to seek His word? Therefore you shall not come down off that bed on which you have gone up, but shall surely die. And he died according to the word of the LORD which Elijah had spoken. And Jehoram reigned in his place, in the second year of Jehoram the son of Jehoshaphat king of Judah, because he had no son. And the rest of the acts of Ahaziah which he did, are they not written in the Matters of the Days of the Kings of Israel?
Even in the same passage this book is repetetive. Pillar of fire from the sky like 5 times. I am picturing a comic book like power here. Then..someone dies.
2
And it happened when the LORD was to take Elijah up into Heaven by a whirlwind, Elijah went with Elisha from Gilgal. And Elijah said to Elisha, Please stay here, for the LORD has sent me to Bethel. And Elisha said, As the LORD lives, and as your soul lives, I will not leave you. So they went down to Bethel. And the sons of the prophets at Bethel came forth to Elisha, and said to him, Do you know that the LORD will take away your master from your head today? And he said, Yes, I know. Keep silent. And Elijah said to him, Elisha, please stay here. For the LORD has sent me to Jericho. And he said, As the Lord lives, and as your soul lives, I will not leave you. So they came to Jericho. And the sons of the prophets at Jericho came to Elisha and said to him, Do you know that the LORD will take your master away from your head today? And he answered, Yes, I know. Keep silent. And Elijah said to him, Please stay here, for the LORD has sent me to Jordan. And he said, As the LORD lives, and as your soul lives, I will not leave you. And the two of them went on. And fifty men of the sons of the prophets went on and stood afar off across from them. And both them stood by the Jordan. And Elijah took his mantle and rolled it up, and struck the waters. And they were divided here and there, so that both of them crossed over on dry ground.
Yet another body of water split. Whomever wrote this book liked Exodus. River splitting and pillars of fire from heaven.
And it happened when they had gone over, Elijah said to Elisha. Ask what I shall do for you before I am taken away from you. And Elisha said, please, let a double portion of your spirit be upon me. And he said, You have asked a hard thing, but if you see me taken from you, it shall be so to you; but if not, it shall not be. And it happened as they went on and talked, behold, a chariot of fire and horses of fire came, and they separated between them both. And Elijah went up in a tempest into Heaven. And Elisha saw, and he cried, My father, my father, the chariot of Israel and its horsemen! And he saw him no more. And he took hold of his clothes and tore them in two pieces.
Why, with everyone else, they just die, and Elijah goes to Heaven in a firey charriot? Again, tearing of clothes. It would be a fun Bible drinking game. Take a shot whenever someone tears their clothes when upset.
He also took up the mantle of Elijah which had fallen from him, and went back and stood by the bank of Jordan. And he took the mantle of Elijah that had fallen from him, and struck the waters, and said, Where is the LORD God of Elijah, even He? And he also hit the waters, and they parted here and there. And Elisha went over. And when the sons of the prophets across in Jericho saw him, they said, The spirit of Elijah rests upon Elisha! And they came to meet him and bowed to the ground before him. And they said to him, Behold now, there are with your servants fifty strong men. Please let them go and seek your master, lest the Spirit of the LORD has taken him up and cast him upon some mountain, or into some valley. And he said, You shall not send. And they urged him until he was ashamed, he said, Send. And they sent fifty men. And they looked for three days, but did not find him. And they returned to him, And he was staying in Jericho. And he said to them, Did I not say to you, Do not go?
New name, same talents.
And the men of the city said to Elisha, Behold, please, the location of this city is pleasant, as my lord sees. But the waters are bad, and the ground is barren. And he said, Bring me a new jar and put salt in it. And they brought to him. And he went forth to the spring of the waters and threw the salt in there, and said, So says the LORD, I have healed these waters. There shall not be any more death or barrenness from there. And the waters were healed to this day, according to the saying of Elisha which he spoke. And he went up from there to Bethel. And he was going up in the highway. And little boys came out from the city and mocked him, and said to him, Go up, bald head! Go up, bald head! And he turned behind him and saw them, and declared them vile in the name of the LORD. And two she-bears came out of the woods and tore forty-two boys of them. And he went from there to Mount Carmel, and from there he returned to Samaria.
What the fuck? 42 children killed by bears for calling Elisha bald? Really? Really? I thought this passage didn’t exist, but here it is. Also, healing waters with salt.
3
And Jehoram the son of Ahab began to reign over Israel in Samaria the eighteenth year of Jehoshaphat king of Judah, and reigned twelve years. And he did evil in the sight of the LORD, but not like his father and his mother; for he put away the image of Baal that his father had made. But he clung to the sins of Jeroboam the son of Nebat, who made Israel to sin. He did not depart from them. And Mesha king of Moab was a sheepmaster, and paid to the king of Israel a hundred thousand lambs, and a hundred thousand rams with the wool. And it happened when Ahab was dead, the king of Moab rebelled against the king of Israel.
Holy shit that is a lot of lambs and sheep.
And king Jehoram went out of Samaria at the same time and numbered all Israel. And he went and sent to Jehoshaphat the king of Judah, saying, The king of Moab has rebelled against me. Will you go with me against Moab to battle? And he said, I will go up. I am as you are, my people as your people, my horses as your horses. And he said, Which way shall we go up? And he answered, The way through the wilderness of Edom. And the king of Israel and the king of Judah, and the king of Edom went. And they went around behind for seven days’ journey. And there was no water for the army, and for the cattle that followed them. And the king of Israel said, Alas! that the LORD has called these three kings together to deliver them into the hand of Moab! And Jehoshaphat said, Is there not here a prophet of the LORD, that we may ask of the LORD by him? And one of the king of Israel’s servants answered and said, Here is Elisha the son of Shaphat, who poured water on the hands of Elijah. And Jehoshaphat said, The word of the LORD is with him. And the king of Israel, and Jehoshaphat, and the king of Edom went down to him. And Elisha said to the king of Israel, What do I have to do with you? Go to the prophets of your father and to the prophets of your mother. And the king of Israel said to him, No, for the LORD has called these three kings together to deliver them into the hand of Moab. And Elisha said, As the LORD of hosts lives, before whom I stand, surely if it were not that I regard the presence of Jehoshaphat the king of Judah, I would not look toward you nor see you. And now bring me a minstrel. And it happened when the minstrel played, the hand of the LORD came on him. And he said, So says the LORD, Make this valley full of ditches. For so says the LORD, You shall not see wind, nor shall you see rain. Still that valley shall be filled with water, so that you may drink, both you and your cattle, and your animals. And this is a light thing in the sight of the LORD. He will also deliver the Moabites into your hand. And you shall strike every fortified city, and every choice city. And you shall cut down every good tree and stop all wells of water, and mar every good piece of land with stones.
More magic water to come…then utterly destroy the Moabites and every crop, and every well, and wreck the land. What an asshole.
And it happened in the morning when the food offering was offered, behold, water came by the way of Edom, and the country was filled with water. And all Moab had heard that the kings had come up to fight against them, they gathered all that were able to put on armor, and upward, and stood in the border. And they rose up early in the morning, and the sun shone upon the water, and the Moabites saw the water on the other side red like blood. And they said, This is blood. The kings are surely slain, and they have stricken one another. And now, Moab, to the spoil! And they came to the camp of Israel, and the Israelites rose up and struck the Moabites, so that they fled before them. But they entered it and struck Moab. And they beat down the cities, and each man cast his stone on every good piece of land, and filled it. And they stopped all the wells of water, and cut down all the good trees. Only in Kir-haraseth did they leave the stones of it. But the slingers surrounded it and struck it. And when the king of Moab saw that the battle was too strong for him, he took with him seven hundred men who drew swords, in order to break through to the king of Edom. And they could not. And he took his oldest son, who would have reigned in his place, and offered him for a burnt offering on the wall. And there was great anger against Israel. And they left him, and returned to the land.
I am very glad most of the things written here are not real. Such barbarism.
4
And a certain woman of the wives of the sons of the prophets cried to Elisha, saying, Your servant my husband is dead. And you know that your servant feared the LORD. And the lender has come to take my two children to himself for slaves. And Elisha said to her, What shall I do for you? Tell me, what do you have in the house? And she said, Your handmaid has not a thing in the house except a pot of oil. And he said, Go, borrow vessels for yourself from outside, from your neighbors, empty vessels. Do not let them be few. And you shall go in and shut the door on you and your sons. And you shall pour out into all those vessels. And you shall set aside the full ones. And she went from him and shut the door on her and on her sons. They brought to her, and she poured out. And it happened when the vessels were full, she said to her son, Bring me another vessel. And he said to her, There is not a vessel left. And the oil stopped. And she came and told the man of God. And he said, Go, sell the oil and pay your debt, and you and your sons shall live from the rest.
The oil trick…again. This time to pay off debts.
And the day came when Elisha passed over to Shunem. And a great woman was there. And she laid hold on him to eat bread. And it happened, as often as he passed by, he turned in there to eat bread. And she said to her husband, Behold now, I see that this is a holy man of God who passes by us continually. Please, let us make a little room on the wall. And let us set a bed for him there, and a table, and a stool, and a lampstand. And when he comes to us, he shall turn in there. And the day came when he came in there, and he turned into the room and lay there. And he said to Gehazi his servant, Call this Shunammite. And he called her, and she stood before him. And he said to him, Say now to her, Behold, you have been thoughtful for us with all this care. What is to be done for you? Would you be spoken for to the king or to the commander of the army? And she answered, I dwell among my own people. And he said, What then is to be done for her? And Gehazi answered, Truly, she has no child, and her husband is old. And he said, Call her! And he called her, and she stood in the door. And he said, At this time, according to the time of life, you shall embrace a son. And she said, No, my lord, O man of God, do not lie to your handmaid. And the woman conceived and bore a son at that time that Elisha had said to her, according to the time of life.
Yet another miracle birth from old people. This trope is really worn out its welcome.
And the boy grew, and the day came that he went out to his father to the reapers. And he said to his father, My head, my head! And he said to a lad, Carry him to his mother. And he carried him and brought him to his mother And he sat on her knees until noon and died. And she went up and laid him on the bed of the man of God, and shut the door on him and went out. And she called to her husband and said, Please send me one of the young men and one of the asses so that I may run to the man of God and come again. And he said, Why will you go to him today? It is neither new moon nor sabbath. And she said, It is well. And she saddled an ass and said to her servant, Drive and go forward! Do not hold back your riding for me unless I tell you. And she went and came to the man of God, to Mount Carmel. And it happened when the man of God saw her afar off, he said to Gehazi his servant, Behold, the Shunammite. Please run now to meet her, and say to her, Is it well with you? Is it well with your husband? Is it well with the boy? And she answered, Well! And she came to the man of God to the hill, and she caught him by the feet. And Gehazi came near to push her away. And the man of God said, Let her alone, for her soul is troubled within her. And the LORD has hidden it from me and has not told me. And she said, Did I desire a son from my lord? Did I not say, Do not deceive me? Then he said to Gehazi, Bind up your loins and take my staff in your hand, and go. If you meet any man, do not greet him. And if any greet you, do not answer him again. And lay my staff on the face of the child. And the mother of the child said, As the LORD lives, and as your soul lives, I will not leave you. And he arose and followed her. And Gehazi passed on before them and laid the staff on the face of the child. But there was no voice nor hearing. And he turned back to meet him and told him, saying, The boy has not awakened. And Elisha had come to the house. And behold, the boy was dead, and laid out on his bed. And he went in and shut the door on the two of them, and prayed to the LORD. And he went up and lay on the boy, and put his mouth on his mouth and his eyes on his eyes, and his hands on his hands. And he stretched himself on the boy. And the flesh of the boy became warm. And he returned and walked in the house to and fro. And he went up and stretched himself on him. And the boy sneezed seven times, and the boy opened his eyes. And he called Gehazi and said, Call this Shunammite. And he called her, and she came in to him. And he said, Take up your son! And she went in and fell at his feet and bowed to the ground, and took up her son, and went out.
This story…again. Fuck. Give us something new.
And Elisha came again to Gilgal. And there was a famine in the land. And the sons of the prophets were sitting before him. And he said to his servant, Set on the great pot and boil pottage for the sons of the prophets. And one went out into the field to gather herbs. And he found a vine of the field, and gathered gourds from it in the field. And with the lap of his garment full, he came in and shredded them into the pot of pottage. For they did not know them. And they poured out for the men to eat. And it happened as they were eating of the pottage, they cried out and said, O man of God, death is in the pot! And they could not eat. And he said, Then bring meal. And he cast it into the pot. And he said, Pour out for the people, and they may eat. And there was no evil thing in the pot. And a man came from Baal-shalisha and brought the man of God bread from the firstfruits, twenty loaves of barley and full ears of grain in his sack. And he said, Give to the people that they may eat. And his servant said, What? Should I set this before a hundred men? He said again, Give to the people so that they may eat, for so says the LORD, They shall eat and shall leave some. And he set before them, and they ate, and left some of it, according to the word of the LORD.
More miracle food. Note this when I read the gospels again.
5
And Naaman, commander of the army of the king of Syria, was a great and exalted man with his master, because the LORD had given deliverance to Syria by him. He was also a mighty man, but a leper. And the Syrians had gone out by companies, and captured a little girl out of the land of Israel. And she waited on Naaman’s wife. And she said to her mistress, I wish my lord were with the prophet in Samaria! For he would recover him from his leprosy. And one went in and told his lord, saying, This and this said the girl from the land of Israel. And the king of Syria said, Go, go in and I will send a letter to the king of Israel. And he departed and took with him ten talents of silver and six thousand of gold, and ten changes of clothing. And he came in with the letter to the king of Israel, saying, And now when this letter has come to you, behold, I have sent Naaman my servant to you. And you shall recover him of his leprosy. And it happened when the king of Israel read the letter, he tore his clothes and said, Am I God, to kill and to make alive, that this man sends to me to recover a man from his leprosy? For consider now, and see, for he is coiling himself toward me. And it happened when Elisha the man of God heard that the king of Israel had torn his clothes, he sent to the king, saying, Why have you torn your clothes? Let him now come to me, and he shall know that there is a prophet in Israel.
More torn clothes and cure a leper, eventually, I think.
And Naaman came with his horses and with his chariot, and stood at the door of the house of Elisha. And Elisha sent a messenger to him, saying, Go and wash in Jordan seven times, and your flesh shall come to you, and you shall be clean. But Naaman was angry, and went away. And he said, Behold, I said within myself, He will surely come out to me and stand and call on the name of the LORD his God, and strike his hand over the place and recover the leper. Are not Abana and Pharpar, rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? May I not wash in them, and be clean? And he turned and went away in a rage. And his servants came near and spoke to him and said, My father, if the prophet had told you to do a great thing, would you not have done it? How much rather then, when he says to you, Wash and be clean? And he went down and dipped seven times in Jordan, according to the saying of the man of God. And his flesh came again like the flesh of a little boy, and he was clean.
Leper cured. Just wash 7 times in the Jordan. You know, we could test this now and see if it works…but it won’t.
And he returned to the man of God, he and all his company. And he came and stood before him. And he said, Behold, now I know that there is no God in all the earth, but in Israel. And now please take a blessing from your servant. But he said, As the LORD lives, before whom I stand, I will receive none. And he urged him to take it, but he refused. And Naaman said, Please shall there not then be given to your servant two mules’ burden of earth? For your servant will from now on offer neither burnt offering nor sacrifice to other gods, but to Jehovah. In this thing may Jehovah pardon your servant, that when my master goes to the house of Rimmon to worship there, and he is supported by my hand, and I bow myself in the house of Rimmon; when I bow myself in the house of Rimmon, may Jehovah pardon your servant in this thing. And he said to him, Go in peace. And he went away from him a little way.
Miracle cures, they now believe in the god of Israel.
And Gehazi, the servant of Elisha the man of God, said, Behold, my master has spared Naaman the Syrian, in not receiving at his hand that which he brought. But, as the LORD lives, I will run after him and take something from him. And Gehazi followed after Naaman. And Naaman saw him running after him, and descended down from the chariot to meet him. And he said, Is all well? And he said, All is well. My master has sent me, saying, Behold, this now, two young men from mount Ephraim of the sons of the prophets have come to me. Please give them a talent of silver and two changes of clothing. And Naaman said, Be content, take two talents. And he urged him and bound two talents of silver in two bags, with two changes of clothing. And he laid them on two of his servants. And they carried them before him. And he came to the hill, and he took from their hand and stowed them in the house. And he let the men go, and they departed. And he went in and stood before his master. And Elisha said to him, Where from, Gehazi? And he said, Your servant did not go here or there. And he said to him, Did not my heart go with you when the man turned again from his chariot to meet you? Is it a time to receive silver and to receive clothing and olive-yards and vineyards and sheep and oxen and menservants and maidservants? And the leprosy of Naaman shall cling to you and to your seed forever. And he went out from his presence as leprous as snow.
You and your kids will be leprous. Don’t think it works that way.
6
And the sons of the prophets said to Elisha, Behold now, the place where we live with you is too small for us. Please let us go to Jordan. And let each man take a beam from there. And let us make us a place there, where we may dwell. And he answered, Go. And one said, Be content, please, and go with your servants. And he answered them, I will go. And he went with them. And they came to Jordan, and they cut down trees. And it happened as one was felling a log, the axe-head fell into the water. And he cried and said, Alas, master! For it was borrowed. And the man of God said, Where did it fall? And he showed him the place. And he cut down a stick and threw it in there. And the iron swam. And he said, take it up to you. And he put out his hand and took it.
Ah, so this is the floating axe head. Iron swam. Not as impressive as walking on water, but still impresive. There are a lot of parallels here.
And the king of Syria warred against Israel, and took counsel with his servants, saying, In such and such a place shall be my camp. And the man of God sent to the king of Israel, saying, Beware that you do not pass such a place, for the Syrians have come down there. And the king of Israel sent to the place of which the man of God told him and warned him, and saved himself there, not once nor twice. And the heart of the king of Syria was enraged for this thing. And he called his servants and said to them, Will you not show me which of us is for the king of Israel? And one of his servants said, None, my lord, O king, but Elisha the prophet, who is in Israel, tells the king of Israel the words that you speak in your bedroom.
Did any of that make sense?
And he said, Go and spy where he is, so that I may send and bring him. And it was told him, saying, Behold, he is in Dothan. And he sent there horses and chariots and a great army. And they came by night and surrounded the city. And the servant of the man of God arose early and went out. And, behold, an army surrounded the city, and horses and chariots. And his servant said to him, Alas, my master! What shall we do? And he answered, Do not fear, for those with us are more than those with them. And Elisha prayed and said, I pray You, LORD, open his eyes so that he may see. And the LORD opened the eyes of the young man, and he saw. And behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire round about Elisha. And they came down to it, and Elisha prayed to the LORD and said, I pray You, strike this people with blindness. And He struck them with blindness according to the word of Elisha. And Elisha said to them, This is not the way, nor is this the city. Follow me and I will bring you to the man whom you seek. But he led them to Samaria. And it happened when they came into Samaria, Elisha said, LORD, open the eyes of these men so that they may see. And the LORD opened their eyes, and they saw. And behold, they were in the middle of Samaria. And when he saw them, the king of Israel said to Elisha, My father, shall I strike them? Shall I strike them? And he answered, You shall not strike them. Would you strike those whom you have taken captive with your sword and with your bow? Set bread and water before them so that they may eat and drink, and go to their master. And he prepared a great feast for them. And when they had eaten and drunk, he sent them away, and they went to their master. And the bands of Syria came no more into the land of Israel.
Strike them with blindness and then turn the other cheek to your attackers. Proto Jesus here.
And it happened after this Ben-hadad king of Syria gathered all his army and went up and lay siege to Samaria. And there was a great famine in Samaria. And, behold, they besieged it until an ass’s head was sold for eighty pieces of silver, and the fourth part of a cab of dove’s dung for five silver pieces. And as the king of Israel was passing by on the wall, a woman cried to him, saying, Help, my lord, O king! And he said, if the LORD does not help you, from where shall I help you? Out of the barn-floor, or out of the winepress? And the king said to her, What ails you? And she said, This woman said to me, Give your son so that we may eat him today, and we will eat my son tomorrow. And we boiled my son and ate him. And I said to her on the other day, Give your son so that we may eat him. And she has hidden her son. And it happened when the king heard the words of the woman, he tore his clothes. And he passed by on the wall, and the people looked, and, behold, he had sackcloth inside on his flesh. And he said, May God do so, and more also, to me, if the head of Elisha the son of Shaphat shall stand on him this day. But Elisha sat in his house, and the elders sat with him. And he sent a man from before him. But before the messenger came to him, he said to the elders, Do you see how this son of a murderer has sent to take away my head? Look, when the messenger comes, shut the door and hold him fast at the door. Is not the sound of his master’s feet behind him? While he still talked with them, behold, the messenger came down to him. And he said, Behold, this evil is from the LORD. Why should I wait for the LORD any longer?
This one passage is fucking dark. Such bad famine they resorted to cannibalism. And more torn clothes.
7
And Elisha said, Hear the word of the LORD! So says the LORD, Tomorrow about this time a measure of fine flour will be sold at a shekel, and two measures of barley at a shekel, in the gate of Samaria. And the third officer on whose hand the king leaned answered the man of God, and said, Behold, if the LORD would make windows in heaven, then this thing might be. And he said, Behold, you shall see with your eyes, but you shall not eat of it.
Ok, let’s see what happens next…
And four men, lepers, were at the gate entrance. And they said to one another, Why do we sit here until we die? If we say, We will enter into the city, then the famine is in the city, and we shall die there. And if we still sit here, we also shall die. And now come and let us fall to the army of the Syrians. If they save us alive, we shall live. And if they kill us, we shall only die. And they rose up in the twilight to go to the camp of the Syrians. And when they had come to the outermost part of the camp of Syria, behold, no man was there! For the LORD had made the army of the Syrians to hear a noise of chariots and a noise of horses, the noise of a great army. And they said to one another, Lo, the king of Israel has hired the kings of the Hittites and the kings of the Egyptians against us, to come on us. And they arose and fled in the twilight and left their tents and their horses and their asses, the camp, as it was, and fled for their life. And when these lepers came to the outermost part of the camp, they went into one tent and ate and drank, and carried silver and gold and clothing from there, and went and hid it. And they came again and entered into another tent and carried from there, and went and hid it. And they said to one another, We are not doing right. This day is a day of good news, and we hold our peace. If we stay until the morning light, some punishment will come on us. And now come, so that we may go and tell the king’s household. And they came and called to the porter of the city. And they told them, saying, We came to the camp of the Syrians, and, behold, no man was there, neither voice of man, but horses tied, and asses tied, and the tents as they were. And he called the porters. And they told it to the king’s house inside.
I don’t buy it. No army would abandon all of their gear because of a noise.
And the king arose in the night and said to his servants, I will now show you what the Syrians have done to us. They know that we are hungry, and they have gone out of the camp to hide themselves in the field, saying, When they come out of the city, we shall catch them alive and get into the city. And one of his servants answered and said, Please let some take five of the horses which remain, which are left in the city; behold, they are like all the multitude of Israel that are left in it; behold, they are even as all the multitude of the Israelites that are consumed. And we will send and see. And they took two chariots with horses. And the king sent after the army of the Syrians, saying, Go and see. And they went after them to Jordan. And, lo, all the way was full of clothing and vessels which the Syrians had thrown away in their haste. And the messengers returned and told the king. And the people went out and plundered the tents of the Syrians. And it happened, a measure of fine flour was sold for a shekel, and two measures of barley for a shekel, according to the word of the LORD. And the king appointed the third officer over the gate, the one on whose hand he had leaned. And the people trampled on him in the gate, and he died, as the man of God had said, who spoke when the king came down to him. And it happened according to the saying of the man of God to the king, saying, Two measures of barley for a shekel, and a measure of fine flour for a shekel: This shall be tomorrow about this time in the gate of Samaria. And the third officer answered the man of God and said, Behold, if the LORD should make windows in heaven, then such a thing might be. And he said, Behold, you shall see it with your eyes, but you shall not eat of it. And it happened to him, for the people trampled on him in the gate, and he died.
Say what is going to happen…then two paragraphs later, the exact thing happens. Really seem like a post hoc prophesey.
8
And Elisha spoke to the woman whose son he had restored to life, saying, Arise and go, you and your household, and live wherever you can live. For the LORD has called for a famine. And it shall also come on the land seven years. And the woman arose and did according to the word of the man of God was. And she went with her household, and lived in the land of the Philistines seven years. And it happened at the end of seven years, the woman returned out of the land of the Philistines. And she went forth to cry to the king for her house and for her land. And the king was talking with Gehazi, the servant of the man of God, saying, Please tell me all the great things which Elisha has done. And it happened as he was telling the king how he had restored a dead body to life, behold, the woman whose son he had restored to life cried to the king for the house and for her land. And Gehazi said, My lord, O, king, this is the woman, and this is her son, whom Elisha restored to life. And when the king asked the woman, she told him. So the king appointed to her a certain eunuch saying, Restore all that was hers, and all the fruits of the field since the day when she left the land, even until now.
So?
And Elisha came to Damascus. And Ben-hadad the king of Syria was sick. And they told him, saying, The man of God has come here. And the king said to Hazael, Take a present in your hand and go to meet the man of God, and ask of the LORD by him, saying, Shall I recover of this disease? And Hazael went to meet him and took a present with him, even of every good thing of Damascus, forty camels’ burden, and came and stood before him, and said, Your servant Ben-hadad, king of Syria, has sent me to you, saying, Shall I recover from this disease? And Elisha said to him, Go and say to him, You shall certainly recover. But the LORD has shown me that he shall surely die. And he settled his face steadfastly until he was ashamed. And the man of God wept. And Hazael said, Why does my lord weep? And he answered, Because I know the evil that you will do to the sons of Israel. You will set their strongholds on fire, and you will kill their young men with the sword, and will dash their children, and rip up their women with child. And Hazael said, What! Is your servant a dog, that he should do this great thing? And Elisha answered, The LORD has shown me that you shall be king over Syria. And he departed from Elisha and came to his master, who said to him, What did Elisha say to you? And he answered, He told me you would surely recover. And it happened on the next day he took a thick cloth and dipped it in water, and spread it on his face so that he died. And Hazael reigned in his place.
Cold blooded killing…because a prophet told you to.
And in the fifth year of Jehoram the son of Ahab king of Israel, Jehoshaphat being then king of Judah, Jehoram the son of Jehoshaphat king of Judah began to reign. And he was thirty-two years old when he began to reign, and he reigned eight years in Jerusalem. And he walked in the ways of the kings of Israel, as the house of Ahab did; for the daughter of Ahab was his wife. And he did evil in the sight of the LORD. Yet the LORD would not destroy Judah for David His servant’s sake, as He promised him to give him a light to his sons forever In his days Edom revolted from under the hand of Judah, and made a king over themselves. And Jehoram went over to Zair, and all the chariots with him. And he rose by night and struck the Edomites who were all around him, and the commanders of the chariots. And the people fled into their tents. Yet Edom revolted from under the hand of Judah to this day. Then Libnah revolted at the same time. And the rest of the acts of Jehoram, and all that he did, are they not written in the Book of the Matter of the Days of the Kings of Judah? And Jehoram slept with his fathers and was buried with his fathers in the city of David. And Ahaziah his son reigned in his place.
So much repetition.
In the twelfth year of Jehoram the son of Ahab, king of Israel, Ahaziah the son of Jehoram, king of Judah, began to reign. Ahaziah was twenty-two years old when he began to reign, and he reigned one year in Jerusalem. And his mother’s name was Athaliah, the daughter of Omri king of Israel. And he walked in the way of the house of Ahab, and did evil in the sight of the LORD, as the house of Ahab, for he was the son-in-law of the house of Ahab. And he went with Jehoram the son of Ahab to the war against Hazael king of Syria in Ramoth of Gilead. And the Syrians wounded Jehoram. And king Jehoram went back to be healed in Jezreel from the wounds which the Syrians had given him in Ramah, when he fought against Hazael king of Syria. And Ahaziah the son of Jehoram king of Judah went down to see Jehoram the son of Ahab in Jezreel, because he was sick.
Swell.
9
And Elisha the prophet called one of the sons of the prophets, and said to him, Bind up your loins and take this box of oil in your hand, and go to Ramoth in Gilead. And you shall go there, and you shall see there Jehu the son of Jehoshaphat, the son of Nimshi. And you shall go in and make him rise up from among his brothers, and take him to an inner room. And take the box of oil and pour it on his head, and say, So says the LORD, I have anointed you king over Israel. And you shall open the door, and flee, and shall not wait. And the young man went, the servant of the prophet, to Ramoth in Gilead. And he came in, and, behold, the commanders of the army were sitting. And he said, I have an errand to you, commander. And Jehu said, To which of all of us? And he said, To you, commander. And he arose and went into the house. And he poured the oil on his head and said to him, So says Jehovah God of Israel, I have anointed you king over the people of the LORD, over Israel. And you shall strike the house of Ahab your master, so that I may avenge the blood of my servants the prophets, and the blood of all the servants of the LORD at the hand of Jezebel. For the whole house of Ahab shall perish. And I will cut off from Ahab everyone that urinates against the wall, both bound and free. And I will make the house of Ahab like the house of Jeroboam the son of Nebat, and like the house of Baasha the son of Ahijah. And the dogs shall eat Jezebel in a part of Jezreel, and none shall be there to bury her. And he opened the door and fled.
This book is so repetitive, I can’t tell if this is copy and paste error or this is a new passage with new names…
And Jehu went out to the servants of his lord. And one said to him, Well? Why did this mad man come to you? And he said to them, You know the man and what he had to say. And they said, It is false. Tell us now! And he said, This and this he spoke to me, saying, So says the LORD, I have anointed you king over Israel. And they hurried and each man took his garment and put it under him on the top of the stairs, and blew with trumpets, saying, Jehu is king. And Jehu the son of Jehoshaphat the son of Nimshi plotted against Jehoram. And Jehoram was keeping watch at Ramoth in Gilead, he and all Israel before Hazael king, of Syria. And king Jehoram returned to be healed in Jezreel of the wounds which the Syrians had given him when he fought with Hazael the king of Syria. And Jehu said, If it is your minds, then let no escapee leave to go to tell it in Jezreel.
Another king.
And Jehu rode in the chariot and went to Jezreel. For Jehoram lay there. And Ahaziah king of Judah had come down to see Jehoram. And a watchman stood on the tower in Jezreel. And he saw the company of Jehu as he came, and said, I see a company. And Jehoram said, Take a horseman and send to meet them, and let him say, Is it peace? And the rider on horseback went to meet him and said, So says the king, Is it peace? And Jehu said, What do you have to do with peace? Turn behind me! And the watchman reported, saying, The messenger came to them, but he does not come again. And he sent a second rider on horseback, who came to them and said, So says the king, Is it peace? And he answered, What do you have to do with peace? Turn behind me! And the watchman reported, saying, He came up to them, but does not come again. And the driving is like the driving of Jehu the son of Nimshi, for he drives furiously. And Jehoram said, Make ready. And his chariot was made ready. And Jehoram king of Israel and Ahaziah king of Judah went out, each in his own chariot, and they went out against Jehu, and met him in the portion of Naboth of Jezreel. And it happened when Jehoram saw Jehu, he said, Is it peace, Jehu? And he answered, What peace, so long as the harlotries of your mother Jezebel and her witchcrafts are so many? And Jehoram turned his hands and fled and said to Ahaziah, Treachery, Ahaziah! And Jehu drew a bow and struck Jehoram between his arms, and the arrow went out at his heart, and he sank down in his chariot. And he said to Bidkar his commander, Take him up and throw him in the portion of the field of Naboth of Jezreel. For, remember, you and I rode together after Ahab his father, and the LORD laid this burden on him. Surely, yesterday I have seen the blood of Naboth and the blood of his sons, says the LORD, and I will repay you in this portion, says the LORD. And now, take him and throw him into the portion, according to the word of the LORD. And when Ahaziah the king of Judah saw, he fled by the way of the garden-house. And Jehu followed after him and said, Strike him also in the chariot, at the going up to Gur, that is near Ibleam. And he fled to Megiddo, and died there. And his servants carried him in a chariot to Jerusalem, and buried him in his tomb with his fathers in the city of David. And in the eleventh year of Jehoram the son of Ahab, Ahaziah began to reign over Judah.
Another king.
And Jehu had come to Jezreel. And Jezebel heard, and had painted her face and adorned her head, and looked out at a window. And Jehu came to the gate. And she said, Was it peace to Zimri the slayer of his lord? And he lifted up his face to the window, and said, Who is with me? Who? And two or three eunuchs looked out at him. And he said, Throw her down! And they threw her down. And some of her blood was sprinkled on the wall and on the horses. And he trampled her. And when he had come in, he ate and drank, and said, Go, now see this cursed woman and bury her. For she is a king’s daughter. And they went to bury her, but they found no more of her than the skull and the feet and the palms of her hands. And they came again and told him. And he said, This is the word of the LORD which He spoke by His servant Elijah the Tishbite, saying, In the portion of Jezreel the dogs shall eat the flesh of Jezebel. And the dead body of Jezebel shall be as dung on the face of the field in the portion of Jezreel, so that they shall not say, This is Jezebel.
Say something, do it 4 passage later. So sick of this.
10
And Ahab had seventy sons in Samaria. And Jehu wrote letters and sent to Samaria to the rulers of Jezreel, to the elders, and to the supporters of Ahab, saying, And now as soon as this letter comes to you, since your master’s sons are with you, and with you are chariots and horses, also a fortified city and armor, even look for the best and fittest of your master’s sons, and set him on his father’s throne, and fight for your master’s house. And they were exceedingly afraid and said, Behold, two kings did not stand before him; how then shall we stand? And he who was over the house, and he over the city, the elders also, and the guardians, sent to Jehu saying, We are your servants and will do all that you shall say to us; we will not make any king. Do what is good in your eyes. And he wrote a letter the second time to them, saying, If you are mine, and will listen to my voice, take the heads of the men, your master’s sons, and come to me to Jezreel by this time tomorrow. And the king’s sons, seventy persons, were with the great men of the city who brought them up. And it happened when the letter came to them, they took the king’s sons and killed them, seventy persons, and put their heads in baskets and sent to him in Jezreel. And a messenger came and told him, saying, They have brought the heads of the king’s sons. And he said, Lay them in two heaps at the entering in of the gate until the morning. And it happened in the morning, he went out and stood, and said to all the people, You are righteous. Behold, I plotted against my master and killed him. But who killed all these? Now know that there shall fall to the earth nothing of the word of the LORD, which the LORD spoke concerning the house of Ahab. For the LORD has done that which He spoke by His servant Elijah. And Jehu killed all that remained of the house of Ahab in Jezreel, and all his great men, and his familiar friends, and his priests, until he left him none remaining. And he arose and departed, and came to Samaria. He was at the shepherds’ shearing-house in the way, And Jehu met with the brothers of Ahaziah king of Judah, and said, Who are you? And they answered, The brothers of Ahaziah. And we are going down to greet the king’s sons and the queen’s sons. And he said, Take them alive! And they took them alive and killed them at the pit of the shearing-house, forty-two men. And he left not a man of them.
Fuck me, how dark can this book get? I never read this in Sunday school.
And he left there and found Jehonadab the son of Rechab coming to meet him. And he greeted him and said to him, Is your heart right, as my heart is with your heart? And Jehonadab answered, It is. If it is, give your hand. And he gave his hand. And he took him up to him into the chariot. And he said, Come with me and see my zeal for the LORD. And they made him ride in his chariot. And he came to Samaria, and killed all that remained to Ahab in Samaria, until he had destroyed him, according to the saying of the LORD which he spoke to Elijah. And Jehu gathered all the people together, and said to them, Ahab served Baal a little, but Jehu shall serve him much. And now call to me all the prophets of Baal, all his servants and all his priests. Let no one be lacking. For I have a great sacrifice to Baal. Whoever shall be lacking, he shall not live. But Jehu did it in subtlety, to the end that he might destroy the worshipers of Baal. And Jehu said, Call a solemn feast for Baal. And they called it. And Jehu sent through all Israel. And all the worshipers of Baal came, so that there was not a man left who did not come. And they came into the house of Baal. And the house of Baal was full from one end to another. And he said to him who was over the robe-room, Bring out robes for all the worshipers of Baal. And he brought them out for them. And Jehu went, and Jehonadab the son of Rechab, into the house of Baal. And he said to the servants of Baal, Search and look, that there may not be here with you any of the servants of the LORD, but only the servants of Baal. And they went in to offer sacrifices and burnt offerings. And Jehu had appointed eighty men outside, and said, If any of the men whom I have brought into your hands escapes, his life shall be for the life of him. And it happened when he had made an end of offering the burnt offering, Jehu said to the guard and to the commanders, Go in. Kill them! Do not let any come out! And they struck them with the edge of the sword. And the guard and the commanders threw them out. And they went to the city, to the house of Baal. And they brought forth the images out of the house of Baal and burned them. And they broke down the image of Baal, and broke down the house of Baal and made it a sewer-house until this day. And Jehu destroyed Baal out of Israel.
Kill all the worshippers of Baal. Sick. Thou shall not kill is the least enforced commandment.
Only, Jehu did not depart from the sins of Jeroboam the son of Nebat, who made Israel to sin, going after them, the golden calves in Bethel and in Dan. And the LORD said to him, Jehu, because you have done well in doing the right in My eyes, and have done to the house of Ahab according to all that was in My heart, your sons of the fourth generation shall sit on the throne of Israel. But Jehu did not care to walk in the law of Jehovah God of Israel with all his heart, for he did not turn from the sins of Jeroboam, who made Israel to sin. In those days the LORD began to cut Israel short. And Hazael struck them in all the border of Israel, from Jordan toward the rising of the sun, all the land of Gilead, the men of Gad and of Reuben and of Manasseh, from Aroer, by the river Arnon, even Gilead and Bashan. And the rest of the acts of Jehu and all that he did, and all his might, are they not written in the Book of the Matter of the Days of the Kings of Israel? And Jehu slept with his fathers. And they buried him in Samaria. And Jehoahaz his son reigned in his place. And the days that Jehu reigned over Israel and Samaria were twenty-eight years.
Because you murdered all the believers in other gods, the LORD says ‘you have done well in doing the right in My eyes’ This is one twisted god.
11
And Athaliah was the mother of Ahaziah. And when she saw that her son was dead, she arose and destroyed all the seed of the kingdom. But Jehosheba the daughter of king Jehoram, sister of Ahaziah, took Joash the son of Ahaziah and stole him from among the king’s sons which were killed. And they hid him from Athaliah in the bedroom, him and his nurse, so that he was not killed. And he was hidden with her in the house of the LORD six years. And Athaliah reigned over the land.
Death, death, death.
And in the seventh year Jehoiada sent and brought the rulers over hundreds, with the commanders and the guards, and brought them to him into the house of the LORD. And he made a covenant with them and took an oath from them in the house of the LORD, and revealed to them the king’s son. And he commanded them, saying, This is the thing that you shall do. A third part of you who enter in on the sabbath shall be keepers of the watch of the king’s house. And a third part shall be at the gate of Sur. And a third part at the gate behind the guard. And you shall keep the watch of the house, alternately. And two parts of you, all who go forth on the sabbath, even they shall keep the watch of the house of the LORD around the king. And you shall surround the king, every man with his weapons in his hand. And he who comes inside the ranks, let him be killed. And they shall be with the king as he goes out and as he comes in. And the rulers of the hundreds did according to all that Jehoiada the priest commanded. And each man took his men, going in on the sabbath, with those going out on the sabbath, and came to Jehoiada the priest. And the priest gave king David’s spears and shields, which were in the temple of the LORD, to the rulers of the hundreds. And the guard stood, each man with his weapons in his hand, around the king, from the right corner of the temple to the left corner of the temple, by the altar and the temple. And he brought forth the king’s son, and put the crown and the testimony on him. And they made him king and anointed him, and clapped their hands and said, Let the king live!
Whoop tee do. Split the army into thirds and defend…something.
And when Athaliah heard the noise of the guard and of the people, she came to the people into the temple of the LORD. And she looked, and behold, the king stood by a pillar as usually was done, and the rulers and the trumpeters were by the king. And all the people of the land rejoiced, and blew with trumpets. And Athaliah tore her clothes, and cried, Treason! Treason! And Jehoiada the priest commanded the rulers of the hundreds, those set over the army, and said to them, Take her out between the ranks, and let the one who follows her kill her with the sword. For the priest had said, Let her not be slain in the house of the LORD. And they laid hands on her, and she went by the way which the horses came into the king’s house. And she was killed there.
Such instant judgement and execution here.
And Jehoiada made a covenant between the LORD and the king and the people, that they should be the LORD’s people; also between the king and the people. And all the people of the land went into the house of Baal and broke it down. They broke his altars and his images completely in pieces. And they killed Mattan the priest of Baal before the altars. And the priest appointed officers over the house of the LORD. And he took the rulers over hundreds, and the commanders, and the guard, and all the people of the land. And they brought the king down from the house of the LORD and came by the way of the gate of the guard to the king’s house. And he sat on the throne of the kings. And all the people of the land rejoiced, and the city was quiet. And they killed Athaliah with the sword beside the king’s house. Joash was seven years old when he began to reign.
Who fucking cares? Joash starts leading at 7.
12
And in the seventh year of Jehu, Joash began to reign. And he reigned in Jerusalem forty years. And his mother’s name was Zibiah of Beer-sheba. And Joash did the right in the sight of the LORD all his days in which Jehoiada the priest instructed him. But the high places were not taken away. The people still sacrificed and burned incense in the high places.
More fucking high places.
And Joash said to the priests, All the silver from things dedicated to God, which is brought into the house of the LORD, the silver from each man the silver of his valuation, all the silver that comes into any man’s heart to bring to the house of the LORD, let the priests take it to themselves, each man from those he knows. And let them repair the breaks in the house, in all places where any break shall be found. And it happened in the twenty-third year of king Joash, the priests had not repaired the breaks of the house. Then king Joash called for Jehoiada the priest, and the priests, and said to them, Why are you not repairing the breaks of the house? And now take no silver from those you know, but deliver it for the breaks of the house. And the priests agreed to take no silver from the people, nor to repair the breaks of the house. But Jehoiada the priest took a chest and bored a hole in its lid. And he set it beside the altar, on the right side as one comes into the house of the LORD. And the priests who kept the door put in it all the silver brought into the house of the LORD. And it happened when they saw that much silver was in the chest, the king’s scribe and the high priest came up. And they bound and counted the silver that was found in the house of the LORD. And they gave the silver which was counted into the hands of those who did the work, those overseeing the house of the LORD. And they laid it out to the carpenters and builders who worked on the house of the LORD, and to masons and cutters of stone, and to buy timber and cut stone to repair the breaks of the house of the LORD, and for all that went forth for the house, to repair it. Only, there were no bowls of silver, snuffers, basins, trumpets, or any vessels of gold or vessels of silver, made for the house of the LORD from the silver which was brought into the house of the LORD. For they gave it to the workmen, and repaired the house of the LORD with it. And they did not make an accounting with the men into whose hands they gave the silver to be given to the workmen. For they dealt faithfully. The trespass silver and sin silver was not brought into the house of the LORD. It was the priests’.
Fixing the house of the LORD, since god can’t.
Then Hazael king of Syria went up and fought against Gath, and took it. And Hazael set his face to go up to Jerusalem. And Joash king of Judah took all the holy things which Jehoshaphat and Jehoram and Ahaziah, his fathers, kings of Judah, had dedicated, and his own holy things, and all the gold found in the treasures of the house of the LORD, and in the king’s house, and sent it to Hazael king of Syria. And he went away from Jerusalem. And the rest of the acts of Joash, and all that he did, are they not written in the Book of the Matters of the Days of the Kings of Judah? And his servants arose and made a plot. And they killed Joash in the house of Millo, which goes down to Silla. For Jozachar the son of Shimeath, and Jehozabad the son of Shomer, his servants, struck him, and he died. And they buried him with his fathers in the city of David. And Amaziah his son reigned in his place.
Stole all the stuff from the house? Fuck me, move it along.
13
In the twenty-third year of Joash the son of Ahaziah king of Judah, Jehoahaz the son of Jehu began to reign over Israel in Samaria, seventeen years. And he did the evil in the sight of the LORD, and followed the sins of Jeroboam the son of Nebat, who made Israel to sin. And he did not depart from them. And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Israel, and He delivered them into the hand of Hazael king of Syria, and into the hand of Ben-hadad the son of Hazael, all their days. And Jehoahaz sought the LORD, and the LORD listened to him. For He saw the oppression of Israel, because the king of Syria oppressed them. And the LORD gave Israel a deliverer, so that they went out from under the Syrians. And the sons of Israel lived in their tents, as before. But they did not depart from the sins of the house of Jeroboam, who made Israel to sin, but walked in them. And also the Asherah in Samaria stood. For He had not left a people remaining to Jehoahaz, but only fifty horsemen and ten chariots and ten thousand footmen; for the king of Syria had destroyed them and had made them like the dust at threshing-time. And the rest of the acts of Jehoahaz, and all that he did, and his might, are they not written in the Book of the Matters of the Days of the Kings of Israel? And Jehoahaz slept with his fathers. And they buried him in Samaria. And Jehoash his son reigned in his place.
Evil in the sight of the lord, blah, blah, blah.
In the thirty-seventh year of Joash king of Judah, Jehoash the son of Jehoahaz began to reign over Israel in Samaria, sixteen years. And he did the evil in the sight of the LORD. He did not depart from all the sins of Jeroboam the son of Nebat, who made Israel to sin, but he walked in them. And the rest of the acts of Jehoash, and all that he did, and his might which he fought against Amaziah king of Judah, are they not written in the Book of the Matters of the Days of the Kings of Israel? And Jehoash slept with his fathers, and Jeroboam sat on his throne. And Jehoash was buried in Samaria with the kings of Israel. And Elisha had fallen sick with his illness in which he died. And Jehoash the king of Israel came down to him and wept over his face. And he said, O my father, my father, the chariot of Israel and the horsemen of it! And Elisha said to him, Take bow and arrows. And he took bow and arrows to himself. And he said to the king of Israel, Put your hand on the bow. And he placed his hand. And Elisha put his hands on the king’s hands. And he said, Open the window eastward. And he opened. And Elisha said, Shoot! And he shot. And he said, The arrow of the LORD’s deliverance, and the arrow of deliverance from Syria. For you shall strike the Syrians in Aphek until it is finished. And he said, Take the arrows. And he took them. And he said to the king of Israel, Strike on the ground. And he struck three times and stopped. And the man of God was angry with him, and said, You should have stricken five or six times, then you would have stricken Syria until it was finished. But now you shall strike Syria three times.
Makes no fucking sense.
And Elisha died, and they buried him. And the bands of the Moabites invaded the land at first of the year. And it happened as they were burying a man, behold, they spied a band. And they threw the man into the grave of Elisha. And the man went down and touched the bones of Elisha, and revived and stood up on his feet. But Hazael, the king of Syria, oppressed Israel all the days of Jehoahaz. And the LORD was gracious to them, and had pity on them, and had respect to them, because of His covenant with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. And He would not destroy them, nor cast them from His presence as yet. And Hazael king of Syria died. And his son Ben-hadad reigned in his place. And Jehoash the son of Jehoahaz returned and took out of the hand of Ben-hadad the son of Hazael the cities which he had taken out of the hand of Jehoahaz his father by war. Jehoash beat him three times and recovered the cities of Israel.
I feel so lonely reading and writing these lines, since I know no one will ever get to this point.
14
In the second year of Jehoash the son of Jehoahaz king of Israel, Amaziah the son of Joash king of Judah reigned. He was twenty-five years old when he began to reign, and reigned twenty-nine years in Jerusalem. And his mother’s name was Jehoaddan of Jerusalem. And he did the right in the sight of the LORD, yet not like David his father. He did according to all things that Joash his father did. Only, the high places were not taken away. The people still sacrificed and burned incense on the high places. And it happened when the kingdom was confirmed in his hand, he killed his servants who had slain his father the king; But he did not kill the sons of the servants, according to that which is written in the book of the law of Moses, in which the LORD commanded, saying, The fathers shall not be put to death for the sons, nor shall the sons be put to death for the fathers, but each shall be put to death for his own sin. He killed ten thousand of Edom in the Valley of Salt, and took Selah by war, and called the name of it Joktheel until this day.
Another 10000 dead.
Then Amaziah sent messengers to Jehoash the son of Jehoahaz son of Jehu, king of Israel, saying, Come, let us look one another in the face. And Jehoash the king of Israel sent to Amaziah king of Judah, saying, The thistle which was in Lebanon sent to the cedar in Lebanon, saying, Give your daughter to my son for a wife. And a beast of the field in Lebanon passed by and trampled the thistle. You have indeed stricken Edom, and your heart has lifted you up. Rejoice and stay at home, for why should you meddle to your harm, so that you should fall, you and Judah with you? But Amaziah would not hear. And Jehoash king of Israel went up. And he and Amaziah king of Judah looked one another in the face at Beth-shemesh, of Judah. And Judah was beaten before Israel. And every man fled to his tent. And Jehoash king of Israel took Amaziah king of Judah, the son of Joash the son of Ahaziah, at Beth-shemesh, and he came to Jerusalem and broke down the wall of Jerusalem from the gate of Ephraim to the Corner Gate, four hundred cubits. And he took all the gold and silver, and all the vessels which were found in the house of the LORD, and in the treasures of the king’s house, and hostages, and returned to Samaria.
I am having a hard time figuring out the back and forth crap here.
And the rest of the acts of Jehoash which he did, and his might, and how he fought with Amaziah king of Judah, are they not written in the Book of the Matters of the Days of the Kings of Israel? And Jehoash slept with his fathers and was buried in Samaria with the kings of Israel. And Jeroboam his son reigned in his place. And Amaziah the son of Joash king of Judah lived after the death of Jehoash son of Jehoahaz king of Israel fifteen years. And the rest of the acts of Amaziah, are they not written in the Book of the Matters of the Days of the Kings of Judah? And they made a plot against him at Jerusalem, and he fled to Lachish. And they sent after him to Lachish and killed him there. And they brought him on horses, and he was buried at Jerusalem with his fathers in the city of David. And all the people of Judah took Azariah who was sixteen years old, and made him king in place of his father Amaziah. He built Elath, and restored it to Judah, after the king slept with his fathers.
Repeat.
In the fifteenth year of Amaziah the son of Joash king of Judah, Jeroboam the son of Jehoash king of Israel began to reign in Samaria, forty-one years. And he did the evil in the sight of the LORD. He did not depart from all the sins of Jeroboam the son of Nebat who made Israel to sin. He restored the border of Israel from the entering of Hamath to the sea of the plain, according to the word of Jehovah God of Israel which He spoke by the hand of his servant Jonah, the son of Amittai, the prophet, who was from Gath-hepher. For the LORD had seen the affliction of Israel to be very bitter. And one was bound, and none was free, and there was no helper for Israel. And the LORD did not say that He would blot out the name of Israel from under heaven, but He saved them by the hand of Jeroboam the son of Jehoash. And the rest of the acts of Jeroboam, and all that he did, and his might, how he warred, and how he recovered Damascus and Hamath, of Judah, for Israel, are they not written in the Book of the Matters of the Days of the Kings of Israel? And Jeroboam slept with his fathers, with the kings of Israel. And his son Zachariah reigned in his place.
Repeat.
15
In the twenty-seventh year of Jeroboam king of Israel, Azariah the son of Amaziah king of Judah began to reign. He was sixteen years old when he began to reign, and he reigned fifty-two years in Jerusalem. And his mother’s name was Jecholiah of Jerusalem. And he did the right in the sight of the LORD, according to all that his father Amaziah had done. Only, the high places were not removed. The people still sacrificed and burned incense on the high places. And the LORD struck the king, so that he was a leper until the day of his death, and lived in a separate house. And the king’s son, Jotham, was over the house, judging the people of the land. And the rest of the acts of Azariah, and all that he did, are they not written in the Book of the Matters of the Days of the Kings of Judah? And Azariah slept with his fathers. And they buried him with his fathers in the city of David. And his son Jotham reigned in his place.
Repeat.
In the thirty-eighth year of Azariah king of Judah, Zachariah the son of Jeroboam reigned over Israel in Samaria, six months. And he did the evil in the sight of the LORD, as his fathers had done. He did not depart from the sins of Jeroboam the son of Nebat, who made Israel to sin. And Shallum the son of Jabesh conspired against him. And he struck him before the people, and killed him, and reigned in his place. And the rest of the acts of Zachariah, behold, they are written in the Book of the Matters of the Days of the Kings of Israel. This was the word of the LORD which He spoke to Jehu, saying, Your sons shall sit on the throne of Israel until the fourth generation. And it was so. Shallum the son of Jabesh began to reign in the thirty-ninth year of Uzziah king of Judah. And he reigned in Samaria a full month. For Menahem the son of Gadi went up from Tirzah, and came to Samaria and struck Shallum the son of Jabesh in Samaria. And he killed him and reigned in his place. And the rest of the acts of Shallum, and the conspiracy which he made, behold, they are written in the Book of the Matters of the Days of the Kings of Israel. Then Menahem struck Tiphsah, and all in it, and its borders, from Tirzah. Because they did not open, he struck it. He ripped up all its pregnant women. In the thirty-ninth year of Azariah king of Judah, Menahem the son of Gadi began to reign over Israel, ten years in Samaria. And he did evil in the sight of the LORD. He did not depart from the sins of Jeroboam the son of Nebat, who made Israel to sin, all his days. Pul, the king of Assyria came against the land. And Menahem gave Pul a thousand talents of silver so that his hand might be with him to confirm the kingdom in his hand. And Menahem took the silver from Israel, from all the mighty men of wealth (fifty shekels of silver from each man) to give to the king of Assyria. And the king of Assyria turned back and did not stay there in the land. And the rest of the acts of Menahem, and all that he did, are they not written in the Book of the Matters of the Days of the Kings of Israel? And Menahem slept with his fathers. And Pekahiah his son reigned in his place. In the fiftieth year of Uzziah king of Judah, Pekahiah the son of Menahem began to reign over Israel in Samaria, two years. And he did the evil in the sight of the LORD. He did not depart from the sins of Jeroboam the son of Nebat, who made Israel to sin. But Pekah the son of Remaliah, a commander of his, conspired against him and struck him in Samaria, in the palace of the king’s house, with Argob and Arieh, and fifty men of the Gileadites with him. And he killed him and reigned in his place. And the rest of the acts of Pekahiah, and all that he did, behold, they are written in the Book of the Matters of the Days of the Kings of Israel. In the fifty-second year of Uzziah king of Judah, Pekah the son of Remaliah began to reign over Israel in Samaria, twenty years. And he did evil in the sight of the LORD. He did not depart from the sins of Jeroboam the son of Nebat, who made Israel to sin. In the days of Pekah king of Israel, Tiglath-pileser king of Assyria came and took Ijon, and Abel-beth-maachah, and Janoah, and Kedesh, and Hazor, and Gilead, and Galilee, all the land of Naphtali, and he deported them Assyria. And Hoshea the son of Elah made a plot against Pekah the son of Remaliah. And he struck him and killed him and reigned in his place, in the twentieth year of Jotham the son of Uzziah. And the rest of the acts of Pekah, and all that he did, behold, they are written in the Book of the Matters of the Days of the Kings of Israel.
Boring run on, and some pregnant women torn apart.
In the second year of Pekah the son of Remaliah king of Israel, Jotham the son of Uzziah, king of Judah, began to reign. He was twenty-five years old when he began to reign, and he reigned sixteen years in Jerusalem. And his mother’s name was Jerusha the daughter of Zadok. And he did right in the sight of the LORD. He did according to all that his father Uzziah had done. Only, the high places were not removed. The people still sacrificed and burned incense in the high places. He built the Upper Gate of the house of the LORD. And the rest of the acts of Jotham, and all that he did, are they not written in the Book of the Matters of the Days of the Kings of Judah? In those days the LORD began to send Rezin the king of Syria against Judah, and also Pekah the son of Remaliah. And Jotham slept with his fathers, and was buried with his fathers in the city of David his father. And his son Ahaz reigned in his place.
Repeat.
16
In the seventeenth year of Pekah the son of Remaliah, Ahaz the son of Jotham king of Judah began to reign. Ahaz was twenty years old when he began to reign, and he reigned sixteen years in Jerusalem. And he did not do right in the sight of the LORD his God, like David his father. But he walked in the way of the kings of Israel. Yes, and he made his son to pass through the fire, according to the abominations of the nations whom the LORD cast out from before the sons of Israel. And he sacrificed and burned incense in the high places, and on the hills, and under every green tree.
Repeat. Abominations…high places, we fucking get it.
Then Rezin king of Syria and Pekah son of Remaliah king of Israel came up to Jerusalem for war. And they besieged Ahaz, but could not overcome him. At that time Rezin king of Syria recovered Elath to Syria, and drove the Jews from Elath. And the Syrians came to Elath and lived there until this day. And Ahaz sent messengers to Tiglath-pileser king of Assyria, saying, I am your servant and your son. Come up and save me out of the hand of the king of Syria, and out of the hand of the king of Israel, who rise up against me. And Ahaz took the silver and gold which was found in the house of the LORD and in the treasures of the king’s house, and sent a present to the king of Assyria. And the king of Assyria listened to him, for the king of Assyria went up against Damascus and took it. And he carried it away captive to Kir, and killed Rezin.
Stealing, back and forth.
And king Ahaz went to Damascus to meet Tiglath-pileser king of Assyria at Damascus. And he saw an altar at Damascus. And king Ahaz sent to Urijah the priest the pattern of the altar, and the form of it, according to all its work. And Urijah the priest built an altar according to all that king Ahaz had sent from Damascus. So Urijah the priest did until king Ahaz came in from Damascus. And the king came in from Damascus, and the king saw the altar. And the king approached to the altar and offered on it. And he offered his burnt offering and his food offering, and poured his drink offering, and sprinkled the blood of his peace offerings, on the altar. And he also brought the bronze altar which was before the LORD, from the forefront of the house, from between the altar and the house of the LORD, and put it on the north side of the altar. And king Ahaz commanded Urijah the priest, saying, On the great altar burn the morning offering and the evening food offering, and the king’s burnt sacrifice and his food offering, with the burnt offering of all the people of the land, and their food offerings, and their drink offerings. And sprinkle all the blood of the burnt offerings on it, and all the blood of the sacrifice. And the bronze altar shall be for me to inquire by. And Urijah the priest did according to all that king Ahaz commanded.
Offerings.
And king Ahaz cut off the borders of the bases, and removed the laver from them. And he took down the sea from off the bronze oxen under it, and put it on a pavement of stones. And the covered way for the sabbath which they had built in the house, and the king’s entry outside, he turned from the house of the LORD for the king of Assyria. And the rest of the acts of Ahaz which he did, are they not written in the Book of the Matters of the Days of the Kings of Judah? And Ahaz slept with his fathers and was buried with his fathers in the city of David. And his son Hezekiah reigned in his place.
Built a house, how many cedars did he need?
17
In the twelfth year of Ahaz king of Judah Hoshea the son of Elah began to reign over Israel in Samaria, nine years. And he did evil in the sight of the LORD, but not like the kings of Israel who were before him. Shalmaneser king of Assyria came up against him. And Hoshea became his servant and gave him taxes. And the king of Assyria found treachery in Hoshea, for he had sent messengers to So, king of Egypt, and had brought no taxes to the king of Assyria, as before, year by year. And the king of Assyria shut him up and bound him in prison. And the king of Assyria went up into all the land. And he went up to Samaria and besieged it three years. In the ninth year of Hoshea, the king of Assyria took Samaria, and carried Israel away into Assyria. And he placed them in Halah, and in Habor by the river Gozan, and in the cities of the Medes.
Tax collection.
And it happened because the sons of Israel had sinned against the LORD their God, who had brought them up out of the land of Egypt, from under the hand of Pharaoh king of Egypt, and had feared other gods, and walked in the statutes of the nations whom the LORD cast out from before the sons of Israel, and of the kings of Israel, which the nations had made. And the sons of Israel secretly did things that were not right against the LORD their God. And they built high places in all their cities for themselves, from the Watch Tower to the fortified city. And they set up images and Asherahs for themselves in every high hill, and under every green tree. And they burned incense in all the high places, like the nations whom the LORD had removed from before them; and did evil things to provoke the LORD to anger. For they served the idols, of which the LORD had said to them, You shall not do this thing. And the LORD testified against Israel, and against Judah, by all the prophets, by all the seers, saying, Turn from your evil ways and keep My commandments, My statutes, according to all the law which I commanded your fathers, and which I sent to you by My servants the prophets. But they would not hear, but hardened their necks, like the neck of their fathers who did not believe in the LORD their God. And they rejected His statutes and His covenant which He made with their fathers, and His testimonies which He testified against them. And they went after the vain thing, and became vain, and after the nations around them, concerning whom the LORD had charged them not to do like them. And they left all the commandments of the LORD their God, and made molten images, two calves, for themselves. And they made an Asherah and worshiped all the host of heaven, and served Baal. And they caused their sons and their daughters to pass through the fire. And they used divination and incantations, and sold themselves to do evil in the sight of the LORD, to provoke Him to anger. So the LORD was very angry with Israel, and turned them away from His face; not one was left, only the tribe of Judah by itself. Also Judah did not keep the commandments of the LORD their God, but walked in the statutes which Israel made. And the LORD rejected all the seed of Israel, and afflicted them, and delivered them into the hand of spoilers, until He had cast them out of His sight. For He tore Israel from the house of David. And they made Jeroboam the son of Nebat king. And Jeroboam drove Israel away from following the LORD, and made them sin a great sin. For the sons of Israel walked in all the sins of Jeroboam which he did. They did not depart from them until the LORD turned away Israel from His face, as He had said by all His servants the prophets. So Israel was carried away out of their own land to Assyria until this day.
Not this FUCKING AGAIN!!!!
And the king of Assyria brought men from Babylon, and from Cuthah, and from Ava, and from Hamath, and from Sepharvaim, and placed them in the cities of Samaria instead of the sons of Israel. And they possessed Samaria and lived in its cities. And it happened at the beginning of their dwelling there, that they did not fear the LORD. And the LORD sent lions among them, who killed them. And they spoke to the king of Assyria, saying, The nations which you have removed and placed in the cities of Samaria do not know the manner of the God of the land. And He has sent lions among them, and, behold, they kill them because they do not know the way of the God of the land. And the king of Assyria commanded, saying, Cause one of the priests whom you removed from there to go there. And they shall go and live there, and he shall teach them the way of the God of the land. And one of the priests whom they had removed from Samaria came and lived in Bethel. And he taught them how they should fear the LORD. And every nation made gods of their own, and put them in the houses of the high places which the Samaritans had made, every nation in their cities in which they lived. And the men of Babylon made Succoth-benoth, and the men of Cuth made Nergal, and the men of Hamath made Ashima, and the Avites made Nibhaz and Tartak, and the Sepharvites burned their sons with fire to Adrammelech and Anammelech the gods of Sepharvaim. So they feared the LORD, and made to themselves, of the lowest of them, priests of the high places, who sacrificed for them in the houses of the high places. They feared the LORD and served their own gods, according to the custom of the nations whom they removed from there. Until this day they do according to their former ways. They do not fear the LORD, neither do they do according to their statutes, or according to their ordinances, or according to the law and commandment which the LORD commanded the sons of Jacob, whom He named Israel. And the LORD had made a covenant and charged them, saying, You shall not fear other gods, nor bow yourselves to them, nor serve them, nor sacrifice to them, but the LORD, who brought you up out of the land of Egypt with great power and a stretched-out arm, you shall fear Him, and you shall worship Him, and you shall do sacrifice to Him. And the statutes, and the ordinances, and the law, and the commandment, which He wrote for you, you shall be careful to do forever. And you shall not fear other gods. And the covenant that I have made with you, you shall not forget, and you shall not fear other gods. And you shall fear the LORD your God. And He shall deliver you out of the hand of all your enemies. But they did not listen, but they followed after their former way. And it happened, these nations feared the LORD, and they served their graven images, both their sons and their sons’ sons, as their fathers did, they do until this day.
We fucking get it, we all read Exodus.
18
And it happened in the third year of Hoshea son of Elah king of Israel, Hezekiah the son of Ahaz king of Judah began to reign. He was twenty-five years old when he began to reign, and he reigned twenty-nine years in Jerusalem. His mother’s name was Abi, the daughter of Zachariah. And he did the right in the sight of the LORD, according to all that David his father did. He removed the high places, and broke the pillars, and cut down the Asherah. And he broke in pieces the bronze serpent which Moses had made; for until those days the sons of Israel burned incense to it. And he called it Nehushtan. He trusted in the LORD God of Israel, and after him was none like him among all the kings of Judah, nor who were before him. For he clung to the LORD. He did not depart from following Him, but kept His commandments, which the LORD commanded Moses. And the LORD was with him. He was blessed wherever he went. And he rebelled against the king of Assyria, and did not serve him. He struck the Philistines to Gaza and its borders, from the Watch Tower to the fortified city.
Follow the rules boy, Hoshea. Fighting Philistines.
And it happened in the fourth year of king Hezekiah, the seventh year of Hoshea son of Elah king of Israel, Shalmaneser king of Assyria came up against Samaria and besieged it. And at the end of three years they took it, in the sixth year of Hezekiah, it was the ninth year of Hoshea king of Israel, Samaria was taken. And the king of Assyria carried away Israel to Assyria, and put them in Halah and in Habor by the river of Gozan, and in the cities of the Medes, because they did not obey the voice of the LORD their God, but transgressed His covenant, and all that Moses the servant of the LORD commanded, and would not listen to them, nor do them. And in the fourteenth year of king Hezekiah, Sennacherib king of Assyria came up against all the fortified cities of Judah and took them. And Hezekiah king of Judah sent to the king of Assyria to Lachish, saying, I have offended; turn back from me. Whatever you put on me I will bear. And the king of Assyria appointed to Hezekiah king of Judah three hundred talents of silver, and thirty talents of gold. And Hezekiah gave him all the silver which was found in the house of the LORD and in the treasures of the king’s house. At that time Hezekiah cut off the gold from the doors of the temple of the LORD, and from the pillars which Hezekiah king of Judah had overlaid. And he gave them to the king of Assyria.
Gold and silver comes back.
And the king of Assyria sent Tartan, and the chief of the eunuchs, and the chief of the cupbearers from Lachish, to king Hezekiah with a great army against Jerusalem. And they went up and came to Jerusalem. And when they had come up, they came and stood by the conduit of the upper pool, which is in the highway of the Fuller’s Field. And they called to the king. And Eliakim the son of Hilkiah, who was over the house, and Shebna the scribe, and Joah the son of Asaph the recorder, went out to them. And the chief of the cupbearers said to them, Speak now to Hezekiah, So says the great king, the king of Assyria, What hope is this in which you trust? Do you say that a mere word of the lips is wisdom and strength for the war? Now on whom do you trust that you rebel against me? Now, behold, you trust on the staff of this bruised reed, on Egypt, on which if a man leans, it will go into his hand and pierce it. So is Pharaoh king of Egypt to all who trust on him. But if you say to me, We trust in Jehovah our God, is He not the one whose high places and whose altars Hezekiah has taken away, and has said to Judah and Jerusalem, You shall worship before this altar in Jerusalem? And now, please give pledges to my lord the king of Assyria, and I will deliver two thousand horses to you if you are able to set riders on them. And how will you turn away the face of one commander of the least of my master’s servants, and put your trust in Egypt for chariots and for horsemen? Have I now come up against this place to destroy it without Jehovah? Jehovah said to me, Go up against this land and destroy it. Then Eliakim the son of Hilkiah, and Shebna, and Joah said to the chief of the cupbearers, Please speak to your servants in Aramaic, for we understand. And do not talk with us in Jewish, in the ears of the people who are on the wall. And the chief of the cupbearers said to them, Has my master sent me to your master and to you, to speak these words, and not to the men who sit on the wall, to eat their own dung and drink their own urine with you? And the chief of the cupbearers stood and cried with a loud voice in Jewish, and spoke, saying, Hear the word of the great king, the king of Assyria: so says the king, Do not let Hezekiah fool you. For he shall not be able to deliver you out of his hand. And do not let Hezekiah make you trust in Jehovah, saying, Jehovah will surely deliver us, and this city shall not be delivered into the hands of the king of Assyria. Do not listen to Hezekiah. For so says the king of Assyria, Make with me a blessing, and come out to me, and you each shall eat of his vine, and each of his fig tree, and you each shall drink of the waters of his own cistern, until I come and take you away to a land like your own land, a land of grain and new wine, a land of bread and vineyards, a land of olive oil and of honey, and live, and not die. And do not listen to Hezekiah when he deceives you, saying, Jehovah will deliver us. Has any of the gods of the nations at all delivered his land out of the hand of the king of Assyria? Where are the gods of Hamath and of Arpad? Where are the gods of Sepharvaim, Hena, and Ivah? Have they delivered Samaria out of my hand? Who among all the gods of the lands have delivered their land out of my hand, that Jehovah should deliver Jerusalem out of my hand? But the people kept silent and did not answer him a word. For the king’s command was, saying, Do not answer him. And Eliakim the son of Hilkiah, who was over the household, and Shebna the scribe, and Joah the son of Asaph the recorder, came to Hezekiah with their clothes torn. And they told him the words of the chief of the cupbearers.
Blah blah fucking blah.
19
And it happened when king Hezekiah heard, he tore his clothes and covered himself with sackcloth. And he went into the house of the LORD. And he sent Eliakim who was over the household, and Shebna the scribe, and the elders of the priests, covered with sackcloth, to Isaiah the prophet, the son of Amoz. And they said to him, So says Hezekiah, This is a day of trouble and of rebuke and contempt. For the sons have come to the birth, and there is no strength to bring forth. It may be the LORD your God will hear all the words of the chief cupbearer with which his master the king of Assyria has sent to reproach the living God, and will rebuke the words which the LORD your God has heard. And you shall lift up prayer for the rest who are left. And the servants of king Hezekiah came to Isaiah. And Isaiah said to them, You shall say to your master, So says the LORD, Do not be afraid of the words which you have heard, with which the servants of the king of Assyria have blasphemed Me. Behold, I will send a blast on him, and he shall hear a rumor and shall return to his own land. And I will cause him to fall by the sword in his own land.
Covered in a sack cloth.
And the chief cupbearer returned and found the king of Assyria warring against Libnah, for he had heard that he had departed from Lachish. And when he heard it said of Tirhakah king of Ethiopia, Behold, he has come out to fight against you, he sent messengers again to Hezekiah, saying, So you shall speak to Hezekiah king of Judah, saying, Do not let your God in whom you trust deceive you, saying, Jerusalem shall not be delivered into the hand of the king of Assyria. Behold, you have heard what the kings of Assyria have done to all lands by completely destroying them. And shall you be delivered? Have the gods of the nations delivered them, nations which my fathers have destroyed, Gozan, and Haran, and Rezeph, and the sons of Eden in Telassar? Where is the king of Hamath, and the king of Arpad, and the king of the city of Sepharvaim, of Hena, and of Ivah? And Hezekiah received the letters from the hand of the messengers, and read it. And Hezekiah went up into the house of the LORD, and spread it before the LORD. And Hezekiah prayed before the LORD and said, O LORD God of Israel, who dwells between the cherubs, You are God Himself, You alone, of all the kingdoms of the earth. You have made the heavens and the earth. LORD, bow down Your ear and hear. O LORD, open Your eyes and see, and hear the words of Sennacherib, who has sent him to taunt the living God. Truly, LORD, the kings of Assyria have destroyed the nations and their lands, and have thrown their gods into the fire; for they were no gods, but the work of men’s hands, wood and stone, and they have destroyed them. And now, O, LORD our God, I beseech You, save us out of his hand, so that all the kingdoms of the earth may know that You are the LORD God, and You only.
This passage said exactly nothing. Same shit, different passage.
And Isaiah the son of Amoz sent to Hezekiah, saying, So says the LORD God of Israel, I have heard what you have prayed to Me against Sennacherib king of Assyria. This is the word that the LORD has spoken concerning him: The virgin, the daughter of Zion, has despised you and laughed you to scorn. The daughter of Jerusalem has shaken her head at you. Whom have you mocked and blasphemed? And against whom have you exalted your voice and lifted up your eyes on high? Even against the Holy One of Israel! You have mocked the Lord by your messengers, and have said, With the multitude of my chariots I have come up to the height of the mountains, to the sides of Lebanon, and will cut down its tall cedar trees, its choice fir trees. And I will enter into the lodgings of its borders, its densest forest; I have dug and drunk foreign waters, and with the sole of my feet I have dried up all the rivers of Egypt. Have you not heard it from afar, I made it? From days of old I fashioned it! Now I have caused it to come; that you should make fortified cities desolate heaps of ruins. And their people were of small power, they were fearful and put to shame. They were like the grass of the field, and the green herb, like the grass on the house-tops, and like grain blasted before it was grown up. But I know your sitting down, and your going out, and your coming in, and your rage against Me. Because of your rage against Me, and because your arrogance has come up into My ears, even I will put My hook in your nose, and My bridle in your lips. And I will turn you back by the way by which you came. And this shall be a sign to you: you shall eat this year such things as grow of themselves, and in the second year that which springs up of the same. And in the third year, sow and reap and plant vineyards and eat the fruits of them. And the remnant that has escaped of the house of Judah shall yet again take root downward and bear fruit upward. For out of Jerusalem shall go forth a remnant, and they who escape out of Mount Zion. The zeal of the LORD of Hosts shall do this. So the LORD says this concerning the king of Assyria. He shall not come into this city, nor shoot an arrow there, nor come before it with shield, nor throw up a bank against it. By the way that he came, by the same he shall return, and shall not come into this city, says the LORD. For I will defend this city, to save it for My own sake and for My servant David’s sake.
A few Jews left, I guess.
And it happened that night, the Angel of the LORD went out and struck a hundred and eighty-five thousand in the camp of the Assyrians. And they arose early in the morning, and behold, they were all dead bodies. And Sennacherib king of Assyria departed. And he went and returned and lived at Nineveh. And it happened as he was worshiping in the house of Nisroch his god, Adrammelech and Sharezer, his sons, struck him with the sword. And they escaped into the land of Ararat. And Esarhaddon his son reigned in his place.
185,000 dead, overnight, I call bullshit.
20
In those days Hezekiah was sick to death. And the prophet Isaiah the son of Amoz came to him and said to him, So says the LORD, Set your house in order, for you shall die and not live. And he turned his face to the wall and prayed to the LORD, saying, O LORD, I pray, O LORD, remember now how I have walked before You in truth and with a sincere heart, and have done good in Your sight. And Hezekiah wept with a great weeping. And it happened before Isaiah had gone out into the middle of the court, the word of the LORD came to him saying, Return again and tell Hezekiah the leader of My people, So says the LORD, the God of David your father, I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears. Behold, I will heal you. On the third day you shall go up to the house of the LORD. And I will add fifteen years to your days. And I will deliver you and this city out of the hand of the king of Assyria. And I will defend this city for My own sake, and for My servant David’s sake. And Isaiah said, Take a lump of figs. And they took and laid it on the boil, and he recovered. And Hezekiah said to Isaiah, What shall be the sign that the LORD will heal me, and that I shall go up into the house of the LORD the third day? And Isaiah said, This will be the sign from the LORD, that the LORD will do the thing which He has spoken. Shall the shadow go forward ten steps, or go back ten steps? And Hezekiah answered, It is a light thing for the shadow to go down ten steps. No, but let the shadow go backward ten steps. And Isaiah the prophet cried to the LORD. And He brought the shadow ten steps backward, by which it had gone down on the sundial of Ahaz.
God reverses the rotation of the Earth. Impossible. And add 15 years to your life.
At that time Berodach-baladan, the son of Baladan, king of Babylon, sent letters and a present to Hezekiah. For he had heard that Hezekiah had been sick. And Hezekiah listened to them, and showed them all the house of his precious things, the silver and the gold, and the spices, and the precious ointment, and the house of his armor, and all that was found in his treasures. There was nothing in his house nor in all his dominion which Hezekiah did not show them. And Isaiah the prophet came to king Hezekiah and said to him, What did these men say? And from where did they come to you? And Hezekiah said, They have come from a far country, from Babylon. And he said, What have they seen in your house? And Hezekiah answered, They have seen all that is in my house. There is nothing among my treasures which I have not shown to them. And Isaiah said to Hezekiah, Hear the word of the LORD. Behold, the days come when all that is in your house, and which your fathers have laid up in store until today, shall be carried into Babylon. Nothing shall be left, says the LORD. And of your sons which shall issue from you, which you shall father, they shall take away. And they shall be eunuchs in the palace of the king of Babylon. And Hezekiah said to Isaiah, Good is the word of the LORD which you have spoken. And he said, Is it not good if peace and truth are in my days? And the rest of the acts of Hezekiah, and all his might, and how he made a pool and a conduit, and brought water into the city, are they not written in the Book of the Matters of the Days of the Kings of Judah? And Hezekiah slept with his fathers. And Manasseh his son reigned in his place.
No one gives a shit.
21
Manasseh was twelve years old when he began to reign. And he reigned fifty-five years in Jerusalem. And his mother’s name was Hephzibah. And he did the evil in the sight of the LORD, after the abominations of the heathen whom the LORD cast out before the sons of Israel. For he built up again the high places which his father Hezekiah had destroyed. And he reared up altars for Baal, and made an Asherah, as Ahab king of Israel did. And he worshiped all the host of heaven, and served them. And he built altars in the house of the LORD, of which the LORD said, In Jerusalem I will put My name. And he built altars for all the host of the heavens in the two courts of the house of the LORD. And he made his son pass through the fire, and observed times and used fortune-tellers. And he dealt with familiar spirits and wizards. He worked much wickedness in the sight of the LORD, to provoke Him to anger. And he set a graven image of the Asherah which he had made in the house, of which the LORD had said to David and to Solomon his son, In this house, and in Jerusalem, which I have chosen out of all the tribes of Israel, I will put My name forever. And I will not again make the feet of Israel wander any more out of the land which I gave their fathers; only if they will be careful to do according to all that I have commanded them, and according to all the law that My servant Moses commanded them. But they did not listen. And Manasseh seduced them to do more evil than the nations ever did, whom the LORD destroyed before the sons of Israel.
More fucking evil in the sight of the LORD. Fuck fuck fuck me, I am tired of this.
And the LORD spoke by His servants the prophets, saying, Because Manasseh king of Judah has done these abominations, doing more wickedly than all that the Amorites did, who were before him, and has made Judah also to sin with his idols, therefore, so says the LORD God of Israel, Behold, I am bringing evil on Jerusalem and Judah, so that whoever hears of it, both his ears shall tingle. And I will stretch over Jerusalem the line of Samaria, and the measuring line of the house of Ahab. And I will wipe Jerusalem like a dish is wiped, wiping and turning it upside down. And I will forsake the remnant of My inheritance, and deliver them into the hand of their enemies. And they shall become a prey and a spoil to all their enemies, because they have done the evil in My sight, and have provoked Me to anger, since the day their fathers came forth out of Egypt even until this day. And also Manasseh shed very much innocent blood, until he had filled Jerusalem from one end to another, besides his sin with which he made Judah to sin, in doing the evil in the sight of the LORD. Now the rest of the acts of Manasseh, and all that he did, and his sin which he sinned, are they not written in the Book of the Matters of the Days of the Kings of Judah? And Manasseh slept with his fathers, and was buried in the garden of his own house, in the garden of Uzza. And his son Amon reigned in his place.
Don’t fucking care.
Amon was twenty-two years old when he began to reign, and he reigned two years in Jerusalem. And his mother’s name was Meshullemeth, the daughter of Haruz of Jotbah. And he did the evil in the sight of the LORD, as his father Manasseh did. And he walked in all the way that his father walked, and served the idols which his father served, and worshiped them. And he left the LORD God of his fathers, and did not walk in the way of the LORD. And the servants of Amon plotted against him and killed the king in his own house. And the people of the land killed all those who had plotted against king Amon. And the people of the land made his son Josiah king in his place. And the rest of the acts of Amon which he did, are they not written in the Books of the Matters of the Days of the Kings of Judah? And he was buried in his tomb in the garden of Uzza. And his son Josiah reigned in his place.
Same shit, different name.
22
Josiah was eight years old when he began to reign. And he reigned thirty-one years in Jerusalem. And his mother’s name was Jedidah, the daughter of Adaiah of Boscath. And he did the right in the sight of the LORD, and walked in all the way of David his father, and did not turn aside to the right or to the left. And it happened in the eighteenth year of Josiah, the king sent Shaphan the son of Azaliah, the son of Meshullam the scribe, to the house of the LORD, saying, Go up to Hilkiah the high priest, so that he may count the silver which is brought into the house of the LORD, which the doorkeepers have gathered from the people. And let them deliver it into the hand of the workers who have the oversight of the house of the Lord. And let them give it to the workers who are in the house of the LORD, in order to repair the breaks of the house, to carpenters, and builders, and masons, and to buy timber and cut stone to repair the house. Only, the silver that is given into their hand shall not be reckoned with them, for they are dealing in faithfulness. And Hilkiah the high priest said to Shaphan the scribe, I have found the Book of the Law in the house of the LORD. And Hilkiah gave the book to Shaphan, and he read it. And Shaphan the scribe came to the king and brought the king word again, and said, Your servants have gathered the silver that was found in the house, and have delivered it into the hand of the workers, who have the oversight of the house of the LORD. And Shaphan the scribe showed the king, saying, Hilkiah the priest has delivered me a book. And Shaphan read it before the king.
Fixing houses.
And it happened when the king had heard the words of the Book of the Law, he tore his clothes. And the king commanded Hilkiah the priest, and Ahikam the son of Shaphan, and Achbor the son of Michaiah, and Shaphan the scribe, and Asahiah a servant of the king, saying, Go inquire of the LORD for me, and for the people, and for all Judah, concerning the words of this book which is found. For great is the wrath of the LORD which is kindled against us, because our fathers have not listened to the words of this book, to do according to all which is written concerning us. And Hilkiah the priest, and Ahikam, and Achbor, and Shaphan, and Asahiah, went to Huldah the prophetess, the wife of Shallum the son of Tikvah, the son of Harhas, keeper of the wardrobe. And she lived in Jerusalem in the second part. And they talked with her. And she said to them, So says the LORD God of Israel, Tell the man who sent you tome, So says the LORD, Behold, I will bring evil on this place and on the people of it, all the words of the book which the king of Judah has read; because they have forsaken Me, and have burned incense to other gods, so that they might provoke Me to anger with all the works of their hands, therefore My wrath shall be kindled against this place, and it shall not be quenched. But to the king of Judah who sent you to inquire of the LORD, so you shall say to him, So says the LORD God of Israel, The words which you have heard, because your heart was tender and you have humbled yourself before the LORD, when you heard what I spoke against this place, and against its people (that they should become a waste and a curse, and have torn your clothes and wept before Me), I have heard you, says the LORD. Behold, even so I will gather you to your fathers, and you shall be gathered to your grave in peace. And your eyes shall not see all the evil which I will bring on this place. And they brought the king this word again.
That was stupid.
23
And the king sent. And they gathered to him all the elders of Judah and of Jerusalem. And the king went up into the house of the LORD. And all the men of Judah and all the people of Jerusalem with him, and the priests and the prophets, and all the people, from the small even to the great. And he read all the words of the book of the covenant which was found in the house of the LORD in their ears. And the king stood by a pillar and made a covenant before the LORD, to walk after the LORD and to keep His commandments and His testimonies and His statutes with all his heart and all his soul, to perform the words of this covenant which was written in this Book. And all the people stood to the covenant.
Oh, now you read the covenant so the people know what rules to follow.
And the king commanded Hilkiah the high priest, and the priests of the second order, and the doorkeepers, to bring forth out of the temple of the LORD all the vessels which were made for Baal, and for the Asherah, and for all the host of heaven. And he burned them outside Jerusalem in the fields of Kidron, and carried the ashes of them to Bethel. And he put down the idol-worshiping priests, whom the kings of Judah had ordained to burn incense in the high places in the cities of Judah, and in the places around Jerusalem. He also put down those who burned incense to Baal, to the sun, and to the moon, and to the planets, and to all the host of the heavens. And he brought out the Asherah from the house of the LORD outside Jerusalem, to the brook Kidron, and burned it at the brook Kidron, and stamped it to powder, and threw the powder of it on the graves of the sons of the people. And he broke down the houses of the sodomites, which were by the house of the LORD, where the women wove coverings for the Asherah. And he brought all the priests out of the cities of Judah, and defiled the high places where the priests had burned incense, from Geba to Beer-sheba. And he broke down the high places of the gates which were in the entering in of the gate of Joshua the governor of the city, which were on a man’s left hand at the gate of the city. But the priests of the high places did not come up to the altar of the LORD in Jerusalem, but they ate of the unleavened bread among their brothers. And he defiled Topheth, in the valley of the sons of Hinnom, so that no man might make his son or his daughter to pass through the fire to Molech. And he took away the horses which the kings of Judah had given to the sun, at the entering in of the house of the LORD, by the room of Nathan-melech the eunuch, which was in the suburbs. And he burned the chariots of the sun with fire. And the altars which were on the top of the upper room of Ahaz, which the kings of Judah had made, and the altars which Manasseh had made, and the two courts of the house of the LORD, the king beat them down, and broke them down from there. And he threw the dust of them into the brook Kidron. And the high places which were before Jerusalem on the right hand of the Mount of Corruption, which Solomon the king of Israel had built for Ashtoreth the abomination of the Sidonians, and for Chemosh the abomination of the Moabites, and for Milcom the abomination of the sons of Ammon, the king defiled. And he broke the images in pieces, and cut down the Asherahs, and filled their places with the bones of men. And also the altar which was at Bethel, and the high place which Jeroboam the son of Nebat, who made Israel to sin, had made, both that altar and the high place he broke down, and burned the high place; he stamped it to powder, and burned the Asherah. And as Josiah turned, he spied the tombs which were there in the mountain. And he sent and took the bones out of the tombs, and burned them on the altar and defiled it, according to the word of the LORD which the man of God had proclaimed, who spoke these words. And he said, What monument is that which I see? And the men of the city told him, It is the grave of the man of God who came from Judah and proclaimed these things which you have done against the altar of Bethel. And he said, Let him alone; let no one move his bones. And they let his bones alone, with the bones of the prophet who came out of Samaria. And also all the houses of the high places in the cities of Samaria, which the kings of Israel had made to provoke the LORD to anger, Josiah took away, and did to them according to all the acts which he had done in Bethel. And he killed all the priests of the high places which were there on the altars, and burned men’s bones on them, and returned to Jerusalem. And the king commanded all the people saying, Prepare the Passover to the LORD your God, as it is written in the Book of the Covenant. Surely there was not held such a Passover from the days of the judges who judged Israel, nor in all the days of the kings of Israel, nor of the kings of Judah, but in the eighteenth year of king Josiah, this Passover was held to the LORD in Jerusalem. And also Josiah put away the mediums, and the soothsayers, and the family gods, and the idols, and all the abominations which were seen in the land of Judah and in Jerusalem, so that he might perform the words of the law which were written in the book which Hilkiah the priest found in the house of the LORD.
A quick summary of the last 4 books of the Bible. Thanks for that.
And there was no king like him before him, who turned to the LORD with all his heart and with all his soul, and with all his might, according to all the law of Moses. And after him none rose up like him. But the Lord did not turn from the heat of His great wrath, with which His anger was kindled against Judah, because of all the provocations which Manasseh had provoked Him. And the LORD said, I will also remove Judah out of My sight, as I have removed Israel, and will cast off this city Jerusalem which I have chosen, and the house of which I said, My name shall be there. And the rest of the acts of Josiah, and all that he did, are they not written in the Book of the Matters of the Days of the Kings of Judah? In his days Pharaoh-necho king of Egypt went up against the king of Assyria to the river Euphrates. And king Josiah went against him. And he killed him at Megiddo, when he saw him. And his servants made him ride dead in a chariot from Megiddo, and brought him to Jerusalem, and buried him in his own tomb. And the people of the land took Jehoahaz the son of Josiah, and anointed him, and made him king in his father’s place.
Another dead king.
Jehoahaz was twenty-three years old when he began to reign. And he reigned three months in Jerusalem. And his mother’s name was Hamutal, the daughter of Jeremiah of Libnah. And he did the evil in the sight of the LORD, according to all that his fathers had done. And Pharaoh-necho put him in bonds at Riblah in the land of Hamath, so that he might not reign in Jerusalem. And he put the land to a tax of a hundred talents of silver and a talent of gold. And Pharaoh-necho made Eliakim the son of Josiah king in place of Josiah his father. And he changed his name to Jehoiakim, and took Jehoahaz away. And he came to Egypt and died there. And Jehoiakim gave the silver and the gold to Pharaoh. But he taxed the land to give the silver according to Pharaoh’s command. He exacted the silver and the gold from the people of the land, from each one according to his worth, to give it to Pharaoh-necho. Jehoiakim was twenty-five years old when he began to reign. And he reigned eleven years in Jerusalem. And his mother’s name was Zebudah, the daughter of Pedaiah of Rumah. And he did the evil in the sight of the LORD, according to all that his fathers had done.
Why did he pay taxes to the Pharaoh?
24
In his days Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon came up, and Jehoiakim became his servant three years. Then he turned and rebelled against him. And the LORD sent against him troops of the Chaldees, and bands of the Syrians, and troops of the Moabites, and troops of the Ammonites. And He sent them against Judah to destroy it, according to the word of the LORD which He spoke by His servants the prophets. Surely at the commandment of the Lord this came on Judah, to remove them out of His sight, for the sins of Manasseh, according to all that he did; and also for the innocent blood which he shed, for he filled Jerusalem with innocent blood, which the LORD would not pardon. And the rest of the acts of Jehoiakim, and all that he did, are they not written in the Book of the Matters of the Days of the Kings of Judah? And Jehoiakim slept with his fathers. And Jehoiachin his son reigned in his place. And the king of Egypt did not come again out of his land any more. For the king of Babylon had taken from the river of Egypt to the river Euphrates all that belonged to the king of Egypt.
Babylon kicking ass and taking names.
Jehoiachin was eighteen years old when he began to reign, and he reigned in Jerusalem three months. And his mother’s name was Nehushta, the daughter of Elnathan of Jerusalem. And he did the evil in the sight of the LORD, according to all that his father had done. At that time the servants of Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon came up against Jerusalem, and the city was besieged. And Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon came against the city, and his servants besieged it. And Jehoiachin the king of Judah went out to the king of Babylon, he and his mother, and his servants, and his leaders, and his eunuchs. And the king of Babylon took him in the eighth year of his reign. And he carried out from there all the treasures of the house of the LORD, and the treasures of the king’s house, and cut in pieces all the vessels of gold which Solomon king of Israel had made in the temple of the LORD, as the LORD had said. And he carried away all Jerusalem, and all the leaders, and all the mighty men of war, ten thousand captives, and all the craftsmen and smiths. None remained except the poorest sort of the people of the land. And he carried away Jehoiachin to Babylon, and the king’s mother, and the king’s wives, and his eunuchs. And the mighty of the land he carried into captivity from Jerusalem to Babylon. And the king of Babylon brought captive to Babylon all the men of might, seven thousand of them, and a thousand craftsmen and smiths, all who were strong and able for war. And the king of Babylon made Mattaniah, his father’s brother, king in his place. And he changed his name to Zedekiah. Zedekiah was twenty-one years old when he began to reign, and he reigned eleven years in Jerusalem. And his mother’s name was Hamutal, the daughter of Jeremiah of Libnah. And he did the evil in the sight of the LORD, according to all that Jehoiakim had done. For it was through the anger of the LORD that Zedekiah happened to rebel against the king of Babylon in Jerusalem and in Judah, until God had put them out of His presence.
A lot of interesting history here, glossed over. Seems like a post hoc prophecy.
25
And it happened in the ninth year of his reign, in the tenth month, in the tenth day of the month, Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon came. He and all his army came against Jerusalem and pitched against it, and built a siege-mound all around it. And the city was besieged until the eleventh year of king Zedekiah, on the ninth of the fourth month, when famine was severe in the city, and there was no bread for the people of the land. And the city was broken up, and by night all the men of war went by the way of the gate between two walls, which is by the king’s garden. And the Chaldeans were against the city all round. And the king went the way toward the plain. And the army of the Chaldees pursued the king, and overtook him in the plains of Jericho. And all his army were scattered from him. And they took the king and brought him up to the king of Babylon, to Riblah. And they gave judgment on him. And they killed the sons of Zedekiah before his eyes, and put out the eyes of Zedekiah, and bound him with bronze chains and carried him to Babylon.
Where is god when all of this is happening?
And in the fifth month, on the seventh of the month; it was the nineteenth year of king Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon; Nebu-zaradan the chief of the executioners, a servant of the king of Babylon, came to Jerusalem. And he burned the house of the LORD, and the king’s house, and all the houses of Jerusalem. And every great one’s house he burned with fire. And all the army of the Chaldeans who were with the chief of the executioners broke down the walls of Jerusalem all around. And the rest of the people who were left in the city, and the fugitives who fell away to the king of Babylon, with the rest of the multitude, the chief of the executioners carried away. But the chief of the executioners left a few of the poor of the land to be vinedressers and husbandmen. And the bronze pillars in the house of the LORD, and the bases, and the bronze sea in the house of the LORD, the Chaldeans broke into pieces and carried the bronze from them to Babylon. And the pots, and the shovels, and the snuffers, and the spoons, and all the vessels of bronze with which they ministered, they also took away. And the chief of the executioners took away the fire-pans, and the bowls, that were all of gold, and all of silver; also the two pillars, the one sea, and the bases which Solomon had made for the house of the LORD. The bronze of all these vessels was without weight. The height of the one pillar was eighteen cubits, and the capital on it was bronze. And the height of the capital was three cubits. And the grating and the pomegranates on the capital all around were all of bronze. And the second pillar had grating like these. And the chief of the executioners took Seraiah the chief priest, and Zephaniah the second priest, and the three doorkeepers. And he took out of the city a certain eunuch who was appointed over the men of war, and five men of those who were in the king’s presence, who were found in the city, and the chief scribe of the army (who called up the people of the land together), and sixty men of the people of the land found in the city. And Nebu-zaradan the chief of the executioners took these and brought them to the king of Babylon to Riblah. And the king of Babylon struck them and killed them at Riblah in the land of Hamath. And he exiled Judah from its land.
Wow, the Babylonians don’t fuck around.
And he made Gedaliah the son of Ahikam, the son of Shaphan, ruler over the people who remained in the land of Judah, whom Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon had left. And all the commanders of the army, they and their men, heard that the king of Babylon had made Gedaliah governor. And they came to Gedaliah to Mizpah, even Ishmael the son of Nethaniah, and Johanan the son of Careah, and Seraiah the son of Tanhumeth the Netophathite, and Jaazaniah the son of a Maachathite, they and their men. And Gedaliah swore to them and to their men, and said to them, Do not fear to be the servants of the Chaldeans. Dwell in the land and serve the king of Babylon, and it shall be well with you. And it happened in the seventh month, Ishmael the son of Nethaniah, the son of Elishama of the seed of the kingdom, and ten men with him, came and struck Gedaliah, and he died, and also the Jews and the Chaldeans who were with him at Mizpah. And all the people, both small and great, and the commanders of the armies, arose and came to Egypt. For they were afraid of the Chaldeans. And it happened in the thirty-seventh year of the captivity of Jehoiachin king of Judah, in the twelfth month, on the twenty-seventh of the month, Evil-merodach king of Babylon, in the year that he began to reign, lifted up the head of Jehoiachin king of Judah out of prison. And he spoke kindly to him and set his throne above the throne of the kings who were with him in Babylon. And he changed his prison clothes. And he always ate bread before him all the days of his life. And his allowance was a regular allowance given him from the king, a daily ration for every day, all the days of his life.
That ended darkly. No mention of the LORD for quite a few passages. Odd.