2 Samuel

And it happened after the death of Saul, David returned from the slaughter of the Amalekites, and David stayed two days in Ziklag, on the third day, behold, a man came out of the camp from Saul with his clothes torn and earth upon his head. And it happened when he came to David, he fell to the earth and bowed to him. And David said to him, Where do you come from? And he said to him, I have escaped out of the camp of Israel. And David said to him, How did the matter go? Please tell me. And he answered, The people have fled from the battle, and many of the people also have fallen and are dead. And Saul and his son Jonathan are dead also. And David said to the young man who told him, How do you know that Saul and his son Jonathan are dead? And the young man who told him said, As I happened to be upon Mount Gilboa, behold, Saul leaned upon his spear. And, lo, the chariots and horsemen followed hard after him. And when he looked behind him, he saw me, and called to me. And I answered, Here am I. And he said to me, Who are you? And I answered him, I am an Amalekite. He said to me again, Please stand over me and kill me, for anguish has come upon me, because all my life is still in me. And I stood over him and killed him, because I was sure that he could not live after he had fallen. And I took the crown on his head, and the bracelet on his arm, and have brought them here to my lord.

So I guess Saul is dead…and his lover Jonathan.

And David took hold on his garments, and tore them. And likewise all the men with him did so. And they mourned and wept and fasted until evening, for Saul, and for his son Jonathan, and for the people of the LORD, and for the house of Israel, because they had fallen by the sword. And David said to the young man who told him, From where are you? And he answered, I am the son of a stranger, an Amalekite. And David said, Why were you not afraid to stretch forth your hand to destroy the LORD’s anointed? And David called one of the young men and said, Go near; fall on him. And he struck him so that he died. And David said to him, Your blood be upon your head, for your mouth has testified against you, saying, I have slain the LORD’s anointed.

What is with all the garment tearing?

And David chanted this death dirge over Saul and over his son Jonathan. And he said to teach the sons of Judah The Song of the Bow. Behold, it is written in the Book of Jasher: The beauty of Israel is slain upon your high places! How are the mighty fallen! Tell it not in Gath, do not let it be known in the streets of Askelon, lest the daughters of the Philistines rejoice, lest the daughters of the uncircumcised triumph. Mountains of Gilboa, let not dew or rain be on you, nor fields of offerings. For there the shield of the mighty has been evilly cast away, the shield of Saul not being anointed with oil. From the blood of the slain, from the fat of the mighty, the bow of Jonathan did not turn back, and the sword of Saul did not return empty. Saul and Jonathan were lovely and pleasant in their lives, and in their death they were not divided. They were swifter than eagles; they were stronger than lions. Daughters of Israel, weep over Saul, who clothed you in scarlet and with delights; who put ornaments of gold on your clothes. How are the mighty fallen in the midst of the battle! Jonathan is slain on your high places. I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan. Very pleasant you have been to me. Your love to me was wonderful, more than the love of women. How are the mighty fallen, and the weapons of war perished!

Another reference to the Book of Jasher.  Pretty words..very gay.  Your love to me was wonderful, more than the love of women.  I wonder why homophobes don’t quote this verse of the Bible.


And it happened after this, David inquired of the LORD, saying, Shall I go up into any of the cities of Judah? And the LORD said to him, Go up! And David said, Where shall I go? And He said, To Hebron. And David went up there, and his two wives also, Ahinoam of Jezreel and Abigail of Carmel, Nabal’s wife. And David brought up his men with him, each man with his household. And they lived in the cities of Hebron. And the men of Judah came, and they anointed David king over the house of Judah there. And they told David, saying, The men of Jabesh-gilead buried Saul. And David sent messengers to the men of Jabesh-gilead. And he said to them, Blessed are you of the LORD, that you have shown this kindness to your lord, to Saul, and have buried him. And now may the LORD do kindness and truth to you. And I also do good to you, because you have done this thing. And now let your hands be strengthened, and be brave. For your master Saul is dead, and also the house of Judah has anointed me king over them.

Yeah, we get it.  Saul is dead.

But Abner the son of Ner, commander of Saul’s army, took Ishbosheth the son of Saul, and brought him over to Mahanaim. And he made him king over Gilead, and over the Ashurites, and over Jezreel, and over Ephraim, and over Benjamin, and over all Israel. Ishbosheth, Saul’s son, was forty years old when he began to reign over Israel, and reigned two years. But the house of Judah followed David. And it happened, the number of days that David was king in Hebron over the house of Judah was seven years and six months. And Abner the son of Ner, and the servants of Ishbosheth the son of Saul, went out from Mahanaim to Gibeon. And Joab the son of Zeruiah, and the servants of David, went out and met by the pool of Gibeon and sat down, the one on the one side of the pool, and the other on the other side of the pool. And Abner said to Joab, Let the young men now arise and play before us. And Joab said, Let them arise. And they arose and went over by number, twelve for Benjamin, and for Ishbosheth the son of Saul; and twelve of the servants of David. And each one lay hold on the head, of his companion and thrust his sword in his companion’s side, so that they fell together. And one called that place The Field of Rocks, which is in Gibeon. And there was a very grievous battle that day. And Abner and the men of Israel were beaten before the servants of David.

Blah blah blah.

And there were three sons of Zeruiah there, Joab and Abishai and Asahel. And Asahel was swift with his feet, like one of the gazelles in the field. And Asahel ran after Abner, and in going he did not turn to the right hand nor to the left from following Abner. And Abner looked behind him and said, Are you Asahel? And he answered, I am. And Abner said to him, Turn aside to your right hand or to your left, and lay hold on one of the young men, and take for yourself. But Asahel would not turn aside from following him. And Abner said again to Asahel, Turn aside from following me. Why should I strike you to the ground? How then should I hold up my face to Joab your brother? However he refused to turn aside. Therefore Abner struck him with the blunt end of the spear in the belly, and the spear came out behind him. And he fell down there, and died in the same place. And it happened that everyone who came to the place where Asahel fell down and died, stood still. And Joab and Abishai ran after Abner. And the sun went down when they had come to the hill of Ammah, which lies before Giah by the way of the wilderness of Gibeon.

Nothing happens here.

And the sons of Benjamin gathered themselves together after Abner, and became one troop, and stood on the top of a hill. Then Abner called to Joab and said, Shall the sword devour forever? Do you not know that it will be bitter in the end? How long shall it be then before you command the people to return from chasing their brothers? And Joab said, As God lives, unless you had spoken, surely then in the morning the people would have gone up each one from following his brother. And Joab blew a ram’s horn, and all the people stood still and did not pursue after Israel any more, nor did they fight any more. And Abner and his men went all that night through the plain and passed over Jordan, and went all the forenoon and came to Mahanaim. And Joab returned from following Abner. And when he had gathered all the people together, nineteen men and Asahel were missing from David’s servants. But the servants of David had stricken three hundred and sixty men of Benjamin, and of Abner’s men, who died. And they took up Asahel and buried him in the tomb of his father, which was in Bethlehem. And Joab and his men went all night, and they came to Hebron at the break of day.

Even the people in the Bible are tired of war.  Shall the sword devour forever?


And there was a long war between the house of Saul and the house of David. But David became stronger and stronger, and the house of Saul became weaker and weaker. And sons were born to David in Hebron. And his first-born was Amnon, the son of Ahinoam of Jezreel. And his second was Chileab, of Abigail of Carmel, the former wife of Nabal. And the third was Absalom, the son of Maacah the daughter of Talmai king of Geshur. And the fourth was Adonijah, the son of Haggith. And the fifth was Shephatiah, the son of Abital. And the sixth was Ithream, by Eglah, David’s wife. These were born to David in Hebron. And it happened, while there was war between the house of Saul and the house of David, Abner made himself strong for the house of Saul.

Civil war and more genealogy.

And Saul had a concubine whose name was Rizpah, the daughter of Aiah. And Ishbosheth said to Abner, Why have you gone in to my father’s concubine? And Abner was very angry over the words of Ishbosheth, and said, Am I a dog’s head, who shows kindness against Judah this day to the house of Saul your father, to his brothers, and to his friends, and have not delivered you into the hand of David? Am I a dog’s head that you charge me today with a fault concerning this woman today? So may God do to Abner, and more also, if I do not do to David as the LORD has sworn, to transfer the kingdom from the house of Saul, and to set up the throne of David over Israel and over Judah, from Dan even to Beer-sheba. And he could not answer Abner a word again, because he feared him. And Abner sent messengers to David on his behalf, saying, Whose is the land? He said, Cut your covenant with me, and, behold, my hand shall be with you, to bring about all Israel to you. And he said, Good! I will cut a covenant with you, but one thing I ask of you, saying, You shall not see my face unless you first bring Michal, Saul’s daughter, when you come to see my face. And David sent messengers to Ishbosheth, Saul’s son, saying, Deliver my wife Michal, whom I betrothed to me for a hundred foreskins of the Philistines. And Ishbosheth sent and took her from her husband, from Phaltiel the son of Laish. And her husband went along with her, weeping behind her, to Bahurim. And Abner said to him, Go, return! And he returned. The word of Abner was with the elders of Israel, saying, You sought for David in times past to be king over you. And then do it, for the LORD has spoken of David, saying, By the hand of my servant David I will save My people Israel out of the hand of the Philistines, and out of the hand of all their enemies. And Abner also spoke in the ears of Benjamin. And Abner went also to speak in the ears of David in Hebron all that seemed good to Israel, and all that seemed good to the whole house of Benjamin. And Abner came to David at Hebron, and twenty men came with him. And David made a feast for Abner and the men who were with him. And Abner said to David, I will arise and go, and will gather all Israel to my lord the king, so that they may make a covenant with you, and so that you may reign over all that your heart desires. And David sent Abner away, and he went in peace.

Fuck, so many words for a simple peace treaty, and a lot of talking about dog’s heads.

And behold, the servants of David and Joab came from pursuing a troop, and brought in a great spoil with them. But Abner was not with David in Hebron, for he had sent him away, and he had gone in peace. And Joab and all the army with him came, and they told Joab, saying, Abner the son of Ner came to the king, and he has sent him away, and he has gone in peace. And Joab came to the king and said, What have you done? Behold, Abner came to you. Why is this, that you have sent him away, and he has already gone? You know Abner the son of Ner, that he came to deceive you, and to know your going out and your coming in, and to know all that you do. And Joab left David and sent messengers after Abner, who brought him again from the well of Sirah. But David did not know. And Abner returned to Hebron. And Joab took him aside in the gate to speak with him privately. And he struck him there in the belly, and he died, for the blood of Asahel his brother. And afterward David heard, and said, My kingdom and I are guiltless before the LORD forever from the blood of Abner the son of Ner. Let it whirl about the head of Joab, and on all his father’s house. And let there not fail from the house of Joab one who has an issue, or who is a leper, or who leans on a staff, or who falls on the sword, or who lacks bread. And Joab and Abishai his brother killed Abner, because he had slain their brother Asahel at Gibeon in the battle. And David said to Joab and to all the people with him, Tear your clothes and gird yourselves with sackcloth, and mourn before Abner. And king David followed the bier. And they buried Abner in Hebron. And the king lifted up his voice and wept at the grave of Abner. And all the people wept. And the king mourned over Abner and said, Did Abner die like a fool dies? Your hands were not bound, nor your feet put into fetters; as a man falls before wicked men, so you fell. And all the people wept again over him. And all the people came to cause David to eat food while it was still day; David swore, saying, So let God do to me, and more also, if I taste bread or anything else until the sun is down. And all the people took notice, and it pleased them, as whatever the king did pleased all the people. For all the people and all Israel understood that day that it was not of the king to kill Abner the son of Ner. And the king said to his servants, Do you not know that there is a prince and a great man fallen this day in Israel? And I am weak this day, though anointed king. And these men, the sons of Zeruiah, are too hard for me. The LORD shall reward the doer of evil according to his wickedness.

So much weeping for Abner.  And…gird yourself in a sackcloth…really?


And Saul’s son heard that Abner was dead in Hebron. And his hands were feeble, and all the Israelites were troubled. And Saul’s son had two men that were captains of bands. The name of the one was Baanah, and the name of the other was Rechab, the sons of Rimmon of Beeroth, of the sons of Benjamin. For Beeroth also was counted to Benjamin; and the men of Beeroth fled to Gittaim and were strangers there until this day. And Jonathan, Saul’s son, had a son who was lame in his feet. He was five years old when the news of Saul and Jonathan came out of Jezreel, and his nurse took him up and fled. And as she made haste to flee he fell and became lame. And his name was Mephibosheth. And the sons of Rimmon of Beeroth, Rechab and Baanah, came at the heat of the day to the house of Ishbosheth. And he was lying on his bed at noon. And they came to the midst of the house, bringing wheat. And they struck him in the belly. And Rechab and Baanah his brother escaped. And they came into the house, and he lay in his bed in his bedroom. And they struck him and killed him, and beheaded him and took his head and got away through the plain all night. And they brought the head of Ishbosheth to David at Hebron. and said to the king, Behold the head of Ishbosheth the son of Saul, your enemy who sought your life. And the LORD has avenged my lord the king this day of Saul and of his seed.

Holy shit there is a lot of murder in this book.  He was 5!

And David answered Rechab and Baanah his brother, the sons of Rimmon of Beeroth, and said to them, As the Lord lives, who has redeemed my soul out of all adversity, when one told me, saying, Behold, Saul is dead, thinking to have brought good news, I took hold of him and killed him in Ziklag. I gave that to him as a reward. Indeed when wicked men have slain a righteous person in his own house upon his bed, shall I not therefore now require his blood of your hand, and take you away from the earth? And David commanded his young men, and they killed them, and cut off their hands and their feet, and hanged them up over the pool in Hebron. But they took the head of Ishbosheth and buried it in the tomb of Abner in Hebron.

Fuck…the imagery here is disturbing.  Cut off their hands and feet, then bury the head somewhere else.


And all the tribes of Israel came to David, to Hebron, and spoke, saying, Behold, we are your bone and your flesh. Also in time past, when Saul was king over us, you were he who led Israel out and brought them in. And the LORD said to you, You shall feed My people Israel, and you shall be a leader over Israel. And all the elders of Israel came to the king at Hebron. And king David made a covenant with them in Hebron before the LORD. And they anointed David king over Israel. David was thirty years old when he began to reign. He reigned forty years. In Hebron he reigned over Judah seven years and six months, and in Jerusalem he reigned thirty-three years over all Israel and Judah.

I am not adding up these numbers.

And the king and his men went to Jerusalem to the Jebusites, the people of the land. And one spoke to David saying, You shall not come in here, except the blind and the lame will turn you away; also saying, David cannot come in here. And David took the stronghold of Zion; it is the city of David. And David said on that day, Anyone who strikes the Jebusite, let him go by the water-shaft and take the lame and the blind, the hated of David’s soul. On account of this they say, The blind and the lame shall not come into the house. And David lived in the fort, and called it the city of David. And David built all around, from Millo and inward. And David went on and became great, and the LORD God of hosts was with him.

No blind and lame can come to the house of the LORD.  That seems kinda dickish.

And Hiram king of Tyre sent messengers, and cedar trees, and carpenters, and masons to David. And they built David a house. And David saw that the LORD had established him king over Israel, and that He had made his kingdom sure for His people Israel’s sake. And David took more concubines and wives out of Jerusalem, after he had come from Hebron. And there were still more sons and daughters born to David. These are the names of those to him in Jerusalem: Shammua, and Shobab, and Nathan, and Solomon, and Ibhar, and Elishua, and Nepheg, and Japhia, and Elishama, and Eliada, and Eliphalet.

Wives and concubines.  More polygamy in the Bible.

And the Philistines heard that they had anointed David king over Israel. And all the Philistines came up to seek David. And David heard, and went down to the stronghold. And the Philistines came and spread themselves in the Valley of the Giants. And David inquired of the LORD, saying, Shall I go up to the Philistines? Will You deliver them into my hand? And the LORD said to David, Go up! For I will surely deliver the Philistines into your hand. And David came to Baal-perazim, and David struck them there, and said, The LORD has broken forth on my enemies before me, like the breaking forth of waters. Therefore he called the name of that place The Breaking of Baal. And they left their images there, and David and his men took them away. And the Philistines came up again and spread themselves in the Valley of the Giants. And David inquired of the LORD, and He said, You shall not go up, but go around behind them and come upon them over across from the weeping trees. And it shall be, when you hear the sound of marching in the tops of the weeping trees, then you shall strike. For then the LORD shall go out before you to strike the army of the Philistines. And David did so, as the LORD had commanded him. And he struck the Philistines from Geba until you come to Gezer.

More battling Philistines.


Again David gathered every chosen one in Israel, thirty thousand. And David arose and went with all the people with him from beyond Baale of Judah, to bring up the ark of God from there, which is called by the Name, the Name of the LORD of hosts who dwells above the cherubs. And they set the ark of God upon a new cart, and brought it out of the house of Abinadab in Gibeah. And Uzzah and Ahio, the sons of Abinadab, drove the new cart. And they brought it out of the house of Abinadab at Gibeah, going with the ark of God. And Ahio went before the ark. And David and all the house of Israel were dancing the LORD on all instruments of fir wood, with lyres and with harps, and with tambourines, and with sistra, and with cymbals.

Bring out ye’re ark.  And cymbals.

And when they came to Nachon’s threshing-floor, Uzzah reached out to the ark of God, and took hold of it; for the oxen stumbled. And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Uzzah. And God struck him there for the error. And he died there by the ark of God. And David was displeased because the LORD had broken forth upon Uzzah. And he called the name of the place The Break of Uzzah to this day. And David was afraid of the LORD that day, and said, How shall the ark of the LORD come to me? And David was not willing to bring the ark of the LORD to him into the city of David. But David carried it aside into the house of Obed-edom the Gittite. And the ark of the LORD stayed in the house of Obed-edom the Gittite three months. And the LORD blessed Obed-edom and all his household.

Killed just for touching the ark.  Seems odd.

And they told king David, saying, The LORD has blessed the house of Obed-edom, and all that belongs to him, because of the ark of God. And David went and brought up the ark of God from the house of Obed-edom into the city of David with gladness. And it happened that when those who bore the ark of the LORD had gone six steps, he sacrificed oxen and fatlings. And David danced before the LORD with all his might. And David was girded with a linen ephod. And David and all the house of Israel brought up the ark of the LORD with shouting, and with the sound of the ram’s horn. And it happened as the ark of the LORD came to the city of David, Michal, Saul’s daughter, looked through a window and saw king David leaping and dancing before the LORD. And she despised him in her heart. And they brought in the ark of the LORD and set it in its place in the midst of the tent that David had pitched for it. And David offered burnt offerings and peace offerings before the LORD. And as soon as David had made an end of offering burnt offerings and peace offerings, he blessed the people in the name of the LORD of hosts. And he gave out among all the people, among all the multitude of Israel, to the women as well as men, to each one a cake of bread and one raisin-cake. And all the people departed, each one to his house.

This paragraph is just full of silly.  I feel for Michal and agree, David probably did look like an idiot dancing like a fool in the streets.  Also, raisin cake makes it into the Bible, but not the fact the Earth is a sphere.

And David returned to bless his household. And Michal the daughter of Saul came out to meet David and said, How glorious was the king of Israel today, who uncovered himself today in the eyes of the handmaids of his servants, as one of the vain fellows shamelessly uncovers himself! And David said to Michal, It was before the LORD, who chose me before your father, and before all his house, to appoint me ruler over the people of the LORD, over Israel. And I danced before the LORD. And I will be still lower than this, and will be base in my own sight. And of the handmaids of whom you have spoken, with them I shall be had in honor. And Michal the daughter of Saul had no child to the day of her death.

She has a point and is dismissed by an obviously drunk idiot.


And it happened when the king dwelt in his house, and when the LORD had given him rest round about from all his enemies, the king said to Nathan the prophet, See now, I live in a house of cedar, but the ark of God dwells within curtains. And Nathan said to the king, Go, do all that is in your heart, for the LORD is with you.

God dwells in the curtains?  What the hell does that mean?

And that night the word of the LORD came to Nathan saying, Go and tell My servant David, So says the LORD, Shall you build Me a house for My dwelling? For I have not dwelt in a house since the day that I brought up the sons out of Egypt until this day, but have walked in a tent, even in a tabernacle. In all places in which I have walked with all the sons of Israel, did I speak a word with any of the tribes of Israel, those I commanded to feed My people Israel, saying, Why do you not build Me a house of cedars? And now so shall you say to My servant David, So says the LORD of hosts: I took you from the sheepcote, from following the sheep, to be ruler over My people, over Israel. And I was with you wherever you went, and have cut off all your enemies out of your sight, and have made you a great name like the name of the great ones in the earth. And I will appoint a place for My people Israel, and will plant them so that they may dwell in a place of their own, and move no more. Neither shall the sons of wickedness afflict them any more, as before. And even from the time that I commanded judges to be over My people of Israel, so will I cause you to rest from all your enemies. Also the LORD tells you that He will make you a house. And when your days are fulfilled, and you shall sleep with your fathers, I will set up your seed after you, who shall come out of your bowels. And I will make his kingdom sure. He shall build a house for My name, and I will establish the throne of his kingdom forever. I will be his Father, and he shall be My son. If he commits iniquity, I will chasten him with the rod of men, and with the stripes of the sons of men. But My mercy shall not leave him, as I took it from Saul, whom I put away before you. And your house and your kingdom shall be made sure forever before you. Your throne shall be established forever. According to all these words, and according to all this vision, so Nathan spoke to David.

So God wants a house now?  Sick of tents?

Then king David went in and sat before the LORD. And he said, Who am I, O Lord Jehovah? And what is my house, that You have brought me here? And this was yet a small thing in Your sight, O Lord God. But You have spoken also of Your servant’s house for a great while to come. And is this the manner of men, O Lord God? And what can David say more to You? For You, O Lord Jehovah, know Your servant. For Your word’s sake, and according to Your own heart, You have done all these great things to make Your servant know. Therefore You are great, O LORD God. For there is none like You, neither is there any God besides You, according to all that we have heard with our ears. And what one nation in the earth is like Your people, like Israel, whom God went to redeem for a people to Himself, and to make Him a name, and to do for You great things and terrible, for Your land, before Your people, whom You redeemed to You from Egypt, from the nations and their gods? For You have confirmed to Yourself Your people Israel to be a people to You forever. And You, LORD, have become their God. And now, O LORD God, the word that You have spoken concerning Your servant, and concerning his house: establish it forever, and do as You have said. And let Your name be magnified forever, saying, The LORD of hosts is the God over Israel. And let the house of Your servant David be established before You. For You, O LORD of hosts, God of Israel, have revealed to Your servant, saying, I will build you a house. Therefore Your servant has found in his heart to pray this prayer to You. And now, O Lord Jehovah, You are that God, and Your words are true, and You have promised this goodness to Your servant. Therefore, now, let it please You to bless the house of Your servant, to be forever before You. For You, O Lord GOD, have spoken. And with Your blessing let the house of Your servant be blessed forever.

David giving God a blowjob.


And it happened afterward, David struck the Philistines and humbled them. And David took The Bridle of the Metropolis out of the hand of the Philistines. And he struck Moab, and measured them with a line, casting them down to the ground. Even with two lines he measured to put to death, and with one full line to keep alive. And the Moabites became David’s servants, bringing gifts. David also struck Hadadezer, the son of Rehob, king of Zobah, as he went to recover his border at the river Euphrates. And David took from him seventeen hundred horsemen, and twenty thousand footmen. And David hamstrung all the chariot horses but kept enough of them for a hundred chariots. And when the Syrians of Damascus came to rescue Hadadezer king of Zobah, David killed twenty-two thousand men of the Syrians. And David put troops in Syria of Damascus. And the Syrians became servants to David, bringing gifts. And the LORD preserved David wherever he went. And David took the shields of gold that were on the servants of Hadadezer, and brought them to Jerusalem. And from Betah, and from Berothai, cities of Hadadezer, king David took very much bronze.

More killing and plunder.  Same old same old.

And Toi king of Hamath heard that David had struck all the army of Hadadezer. Then Toi sent Joram his son to king David, to greet him and bless him, because he had fought against Hadadezer and had struck him. For Hadadezer had wars against Toi. And in his hand were silver articles, and golden articles, and bronze articles. King David also dedicated them to the LORD, with the silver and gold that he had dedicated from all nations which he subdued: of Syria, and of Moab, and of the sons of Ammon, and of the Philistines, and of Amalek, and of the spoil of Hadadezer, son of Rehob, king of Zobah. And David made a name for himself when he returned from striking the Syrians in the Valley of Salt, eighteen thousand men. And he put garrisons in Edom. He put garrisons throughout all Edom, and all the men of Edom became David’s servants. And the LORD preserved David wherever he went.

Sure you killed all those people, sure.

And David reigned over all Israel. And David did judgment and justice to all his people. And Joab the son of Zeruiah was over the army. And Jehoshaphat the son of Ahilud was recorder. And Zadok the son of Ahitub, and Ahimelech the son of Abiathar, were the priests. And Seraiah was the scribe. And Benaiah the son of Jehoiada was over both the Cherethites and the Pelethites. And David’s sons were priests.

Never start a sentence with and.  And I know that is a mistake I have made.


And David said, Is there still any that is left from the house of Saul, that I may show him kindness for Jonathan’s sake? And there was of the house of Saul a servant whose name was Ziba. And they called him to David, and the king said to him, Are you Ziba? And he said, Your servant. And the king said, is there not still any of the house of Saul, so that I may show the kindness of God to him? And Ziba said to the king, Jonathan still has a son, who is lame in his feet. And the king said to him, Where is he? And Ziba said to the king, Behold, he is in the house of Machir, the son of Ammiel, in Lodebar. And king David sent and brought him out of the house of Machir the son of Ammiel, from Lodebar. And Mephibosheth, the son of Jonathan, the son of Saul, came to David, and fell on his face and bowed to him. And David said, Mephibosheth! And he answered, Behold your servant! And David said to him, Do not fear, for I will surely show you kindness for Jonathan your father’s sake, and will restore you all the land of Saul your father. And you shall eat bread at my table forever. And he bowed himself and said, What is your servant, that you should look upon such a dead dog as I?

David still carries a torch for Johnathan.  First gay couple in the Bible.

Then the king called to Ziba, Saul’s servant, and said to him, I have given to your master’s son all that belonged to Saul and to all his house. And you shall till the land for him, you and your sons and your servants. And you shall bring in the fruits so that your master’s son may have bread to eat. But Mephibosheth, your master’s son, shall eat bread always at my table. And Ziba had fifteen sons and twenty servants. And Ziba said to the king, According to all that my lord the king has commanded his servant, so shall your servant do. And Mephibosheth was eating at my table like one of the king’s sons. And Mephibosheth had a young son, whose name was Micah. And all that lived in the house of Ziba were servants to Mephibosheth. And Mephibosheth lived in Jerusalem. For he always sat at the king’s table. And he was lame in both his feet.

Yeah, yeah, two lame feet, son of your lover, move it along.



And it happened after this, the king of the sons of Ammon died, and his son Hanun reigned in his stead. And David said, I will show kindness to Hanun the son of Nahash, as his father showed kindness to me. And David sent to comfort him for his father, by the hand of his servants. And David’s servants came to the land of the sons of Ammon. And the leaders of the sons of Ammon said to Hanun their lord, Do you think that David honors your father, that he has sent comforters to you? Has not David sent his servants to you to search the city, and to spy it out, and to overthrow it? And Hanun took David’s servants and shaved off half their beards, and cut off their garments in the middle, to their buttocks, and sent them away. And they told David, and he sent to meet them, because the men were greatly ashamed. And the king said, Stay at Jericho until your beards are grown, and return.

Shaved half their beard and clothes?  Odd image….plus, let it go David.

And the sons of Ammon saw that they had begun to stink before David. And the sons of Ammon sent and hired the Syrians of Beth-rehob, and the Syrians of Zobah, twenty thousand footmen, and from king Maacah a thousand men, and from Ishtob twelve thousand men. And David heard. And he sent Joab and all the army of the mighty men. And the sons of Ammon came out and put the battle in order at the entering in of the gate. And the Syrians of Zobah, and of Rehob, and Ishtob, and Maacah, were by themselves in the field. And Joab saw that the front of the battle was against him before and behind. And he chose from all the choice ones of Israel, and put them in order against the Syrians. And the rest of the people he delivered into the hand of Abishai his brother, so that he might set in order against the sons of Ammon. And he said, If the Syrians are too strong for me, then you shall help me. But if the sons of Ammon are too strong for you, then I will come and help you. Be of good courage, and let us play the men for our people and for the cities of our God. And may the LORD do that which seems good to Him. And Joab and the people with him drew near to the battle against the Syrians. And they fled before him. And when the sons of Ammon saw that the Syrians had fled, then they fled also before Abishai, and entered into the city. And Joab returned from the sons of Ammon and came to Jerusalem.

Bloodless battle, finally.  I would as well with thousands of insane Jews approaching.

And the Syrians saw that they were beaten before Israel, and they gathered together. And Hadarezer sent and brought out the Syrians who were beyond the river. And they came to Helam. And Shobach the commander of the army of Hadarezer went before them. And David was told. And he gathered all Israel and passed over Jordan, and came to Helam. And the Syrians set themselves in order to meet David and fought with him. And the Syrians fled before Israel. And David killed the men of seven hundred chariots of the Syrians, and forty thousand horsemen, and struck Shobach the captain of their army, who died there. And all the kings, the servants of Hadarezer, saw that they were beaten before Israel, and they made peace with Israel and served them. And the Syrians feared to help the sons of Ammon any more.

40,000 horsemen, really?  I call bullshit.  Such exaggeration.  To put this in perspective, the Mongols, who conquered ALL OF ASIA in one lifetime, and ALMOST CONQUERED EUROPE used armies, at the largest, of 30,000 horsemen.  Most of the time, they used, at most, 10,000 horsemen.


And it happened at the turn of the year, at the time kings go forth, David sent Joab, and his servants with him, and all Israel. And they destroyed the sons of Ammon and circled Rabbah. But David remained at Jerusalem. And it happened one evening, David arose from his bed and walked on the roof of the king’s house. And from the roof he saw a woman bathing. And the woman was very beautiful to look upon. And David sent and asked about the woman. And one said, Is not this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite? And David sent messengers and took her. And she came in to him, and he lay with her. And she had purified herself from her uncleanness. And she returned to her house. And the woman conceived, and sent and told David, and said, I am with child.

So, David spots a hot chick bathing, bangs her, gets her pregnant.  Family values.

And David sent to Joab, saying, Send me Uriah the Hittite. And Joab sent Uriah to David. And when Uriah had come to him, David asked how Joab did, and how the people did, and how the war went. And David said to Uriah, Go down to your house and wash your feet. And Uriah left the king’s house. And a gift from the king went out after him. But Uriah slept at the door of the king’s house with all the servants of his lord, and did not go down to his house. And they told David, saying, Uriah did not go to his house. And David said to Uriah, Did you not come from a journey? Why have you not gone down to your house? And Uriah said to David, The ark and Israel and Judah abide in tents. And my lord Joab, and the servants of my lord, are camped in the open fields. Shall I then go to my house to eat and to drink and to lie with my wife? As you live, and as your soul lives, I will not do this thing. And David said to Uriah, Stay here today also, and tomorrow I will let you go. And Uriah stayed in Jerusalem that day and the next day. And when David had called him, he ate and drank before him. And he made him drunk. And at evening he went out to lie on his bed with the servants of his lord, but he did not go down to his house.

What the fuck is this passage trying to say?  Was there fucking servants involved?

And it happened in the morning, David wrote a letter to Joab and sent it by the hand of Uriah. And he wrote in the letter, saying, Set Uriah in the forefront of the hottest battle, and draw back from him so that he may be stricken and die. And it happened when Joab observed the city, he sent Uriah to a place where he knew brave men were. And the men of the city went out and fought with Joab. And some of the people of the servants of David fell. And Uriah the Hittite also died. Then Joab sent and told David all the things concerning the war. And he commanded the messenger saying, When you have made an end of telling the matters of the war to the king, and if it be so that the king’s wrath arise, and he say to you, Why did you approach so near to the city when you fought? Did you not know that they would shoot from the wall? Who struck Abimelech the son of Jerub-besheth? Did not a woman cast a piece of a millstone upon him from the wall, so that he died in Thebez? Why did you go near the wall? And you shall say, Your servant Uriah the Hittite is dead also. And the messenger departed, and came and told David all that Joab had sent him to tell. And the messenger said to David, Surely the men prevailed against us, and came out to us to the field, and we were upon them even to the entering of the gate. And the shooters shot from off the wall upon your servants, and some of the king’s servants are dead, and your servant Uriah the Hittite is dead also. Then David said to the messenger, So you shall say to Joab, Do not let this thing displease you, for the sword devours one as well as another. Make your battle stronger against the city and overthrow it. And you encourage him. And the wife of Uriah heard that Uriah her husband was dead, and mourned for her husband. And when her mourning was past, David sent and brought her to his house, and she became his wife and bore him a son. But the thing that David had done was evil in the eyes of the LORD.

Uriah dies, David marries the widow and knocks her up.  The Lord is angry?  Is this against the rules somehow?


And the LORD sent Nathan to David. And he came to him and said to him, There were two men in one city, one rich and one poor. The rich one had exceeding many flocks and herds, but the poor one had nothing except one little ewe lamb which he had bought and nourished up. And it grew up together with him and with his sons. It ate of his own food and drank from his own cup, and lay in his bosom, and was to him like a daughter. And there came a traveler to the rich man, and he spared to take of his own flock and of his own herd to dress for the traveler that had come to him. But he took the poor man’s lamb and dressed it for the man who had come to him. And David’s anger was greatly kindled against the man. And he said to Nathan, As the Lord lives, the man who has done this shall surely die. And he shall restore the lamb fourfold, because he did this thing, and because he had no pity. And Nathan said to David, You are the man! So says the LORD God of Israel, I anointed you king over Israel, and I delivered you out of the hand of Saul. And I gave you your master’s house and your master’s wives into your bosom, and gave you the house of Israel and of Judah. And if that was too little, I would have given to you such and such things besides. Why have you despised the word of the LORD, to do evil in His sight? You have stricken Uriah the Hittite with the sword, and have taken his wife to be your wife, and have killed him with the sword of the sons of Ammon. And therefore, the sword shall never depart from your house, because you have despised Me and have taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your wife. So says the LORD, Behold, I will raise up evil against you out of your own house, and I will take your wives before your eyes and give them to your neighbor. And he shall lie with your wives in the sight of this sun. For you did it secretly, but I will do this thing before all Israel and before the sun. And David said to Nathan, I have sinned against the LORD. And Nathan said to David, The LORD also has put away your sin; you shall not die. Only, because by this deed you have given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme, this child born to you shall surely die.

This sounds very New Testament to me, I have skimmed the gospels, and this looks very familiar.  In the next year or so, when I get there, I will try to remember this.  Also, the LORD can’t speak directly?

And Nathan left to go to his house. And the LORD struck the child that Uriah’s wife bore to David, and it was very sick. And David prayed to God for the child. And David fasted, and went in and lay all night upon the earth. And the elders of his house rose up toward to him, to raise him up from the earth. But he would not, neither did he eat bread with them. And it happened on the seventh day, the child died. And the servants of David feared to tell him that the child was dead. For they said, Behold, while the child was still alive we spoke to him, and he would not listen to our voice. How then will he trouble himself if we tell him that the child is dead? But David saw that his servants whispered. And David understood that the child was dead. And David said to his servants, Is the boy dead? And they said, He is dead. And David arose from the earth and washed, and anointed himself, and changed his clothing, and came into the house of the LORD and worshiped. And he came to his house, and commanded, and they brought bread before him and he ate. Then his servants said to him, What is this that you have done? You fasted and wept for the living boy, but when the child was dead you arose and ate bread! And he said, While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept; for I said, Who can tell if God will be gracious to me so that the child may live? But now he is dead; why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me. And David comforted his wife Bathsheba. And he went in to her and lay with her. And she bore a son. And he called his name Solomon. And the LORD loved him. And he sent by the hand of Nathan the prophet, and he called his name Jedidiah, because of Jehovah.

Child from window wife dies, knocks up one of his wives, gives birth to Solomon.

And Joab fought against Rabbah of the sons of Ammon, and took the royal city. And Joab sent messengers to David and said, I have fought against Rabbah, and have taken the city of waters. And therefore gather the rest of the people together, and camp against the city and take it, lest I take the city and it be called after my name. And David gathered all the people and went to Rabbah, and fought against it and took it. And he took the king’s crown from off his head, the weight of which was a talent of gold, and a precious stone in it. And it was set on David’s head. And he brought forth the spoil of the city in great abundance. And he brought forth the people that were in it, and put them to the saw, and to sharp tools of iron, and to axes of iron. And he made them go over into the brick-kiln. And so he did to all the cities of the sons of Ammon. And David and all the people returned to Jerusalem.

Whoop tee do.


And it happened after this Absalom the son of David had a beautiful sister whose name was Tamar. And Amnon the son of David loved her. And Amnon was so troubled that he fell sick for his sister Tamar, for she was a virgin. And Amnon thought it hard for him to do anything to her. And Amnon had a friend, whose name was Jonadab, the son of David’s brother Shimeah. And Jonadab was a very crafty man. And he said to him, Why are you, the king’s son, lean from day to day? Will you not tell me? And Amnon said to him, I love Tamar, my brother Absalom’s sister. And Jonadab said to him, Lay down on your bed and make yourself sick. And when your father comes to see you, say to him, Please let my sister Tamar come and give me food, and prepare the food in my sight so that I may see and eat it at her hand. And Amnon lay down and made himself sick. And when the king had come to see him, Amnon said to the king, Please let my sister Tamar come and make me a couple of cakes in my sight, so that I may eat at her hand. And David sent home to Tamar, saying, Go now to your brother Amnon’s house, and prepare food for him. And Tamar went to her brother Amnon’s house. And he had lain down. And she took flour and kneaded it, and made cakes in his sight, and baked the cakes. And she took a pan and poured them out before him. But he refused to eat. And Amnon said, Make every man go out from me. And every man went out from him. And Amnon said to Tamar, Bring the food into the room so that I may eat out of your hand. And Tamar took the cakes which she had made, and brought them into the room to Amnon her brother. And when she had brought them to him to eat, he took hold of her and said to her, Come lie with me, my sister. And she answered him, No, my brother, do not humble me. For no such thing ought to be done in Israel. Do not do this folly. And I, where shall I cause my shame to go? And as for you, you shall be as one of the fools in Israel. But now please speak to the king. For he will not withhold me from you. But he would not listen to her voice; but being stronger than she, he forced her and lay with her. Then Amnon hated her with a great hatred. And the hatred with which he hated her was greater than the love with which he had loved her. And Amnon said to her, Get up and go. And she said to him, There is no cause. This evil in sending me away is greater than the other that you did to me. But he would not listen to her. And he called his servant who waited on him and said, And put this woman out from me, and bolt the door after her. And she had a robe of many colors upon her, for the king’s virgin daughters were clothed with such robes. And his servant brought her out and bolted the door after her. And Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the robe of many colors that was on her, and laid her hand on her head, and went on, crying. And Absalom her brother said to her, Has Amnon your brother been with you? But now hold your peace, my sister. He is your brother. Do not set your heart on this thing. And Tamar remained desolate in the house of her brother Absalom.

What the fuck…again.  He rapes his sister?  Really?  How, how?  is this a source of morality?

And when king David heard of all these things, he was very angry. And Absalom did not speak to his brother Amnon, neither good nor bad, for Absalom hated Amnon because he had forced his sister Tamar. And it happened after two full years Absalom had sheepshearers in Baal-hazor, beside Ephraim. And Absalom invited all the king’s sons. And Absalom came to the king and said, Behold now, your servant has shearers. Please let the king and his servants go with your servant. And the king said to Absalom, No, my son, let us not all go now, lest we be too heavy upon you. And he pressed him. He would not go, however, but blessed him. Then Absalom said, If not, please let my brother Amnon go with us? And the king said to him, Why should he go with you? But Absalom pressed him, so that he let Amnon and all the king’s sons go with him. And Absalom had commanded his servants, saying, And watch when Amnon’s heart is merry with wine, and when I say to you, Strike Amnon, you shall kill him. Do not fear. Have I not commanded you? Be courageous, and be brave. And the servants of Absalom did to Amnon as Absalom had commanded. And all the king’s sons arose. And they each got on his mule and fled.

Avenge this incest rape 2 years after this is happened, with death.

And it happened while they were in the way, news came to David, saying, Absalom has killed all the king’s sons, and there is not one of them left. And the king arose and tore his garments, and lay on the earth. And all his servants stood by with their clothes torn. And Jonadab, the son of David’s brother Shimeah answered and said, Let not my lord think that they have killed all the young men, the king’s sons. For only Amnon is dead. For by the mouth of Absalom this has been determined from the day that he humbled his sister Tamar. And now do not let my lord the king take the thing to his heart, to think that all the king’s sons are dead, for only Amnon is dead. But Absalom fled. And the young man that kept the watch lifted up his eyes and looked. And, behold, many people came by the way of the hillside behind him. And Jonadab said to the king, Behold, the king’s sons come; as your servant said, so it is. And it happened as soon as he had made an end of speaking, behold, the king’s sons came. And they lifted up their voice and wept. And the king also and all his servants wept with a great weeping. But Absalom fled and went to Talmai, the son of Ammihud, king of Geshur. And David mourned for his son every day. And Absalom fled and went to Geshur, and was there three years. And king David longed to go forth to Absalom, for he was comforted about Amnon, since he was dead.

At least the plot is moving here…slowly…but still moving.


And Joab the son of Zeruiah saw that the king’s heart was toward Absalom. And Joab sent to Tekoah and brought a wise woman from there. And he said to her, Please pretend yourself to be a mourner, and put on mourning clothes now, and do not anoint yourself with oil. But be like a woman who has mourned for the dead a long time. And come to the king, and speak in this way to him. And Joab put the words in her mouth. And the woman of Tekoah spoke to the king, and bowed and said, Save, O, King! And the king said to her. What ails you? And she answered, I am indeed a widow, and my husband died. And your handmaid had two sons, and the two of them fought together in the field. And there was no deliverer between them, but the one struck the other and killed him. And behold, the whole family has risen against your handmaid. And they said, Deliver him who struck his brother so that we may kill him for the life of his brother whom he killed. And we will destroy the heir also. And so they shall put out my coal which is left, and shall leave to my husband neither name nor remainder upon the face of the earth. And the king said to the woman, Go to your house, and I will give command concerning you. And the woman of Tekoah said to the king. My lord, O king, may the iniquity be on me and on my father’s house. And may the king and his throne be without guilt. And the king said, Whoever speaks to you, you also bring him to me, and he shall not touch you any more. Then she said, Please let the king remember the LORD your God, that you would not allow the avengers of blood to destroy any more, lest they should destroy my son. And he said, As the Lord lives, there shall not one hair of your son fall to the earth. Then the woman said, Please let your handmaid speak one more word to my lord the king. And he said, Say on! And the woman said, Why then have you thought such a thing against the people of God? For the king speaks this thing as one who is at fault, in that the king does not bring his banished one home again. For we must all die, and we are as water spilled on the ground, which cannot be gathered up again. And God does not take a life, but has devised plans so that the outcast is not cast out from Him. And now I have come to speak of this thing to my lord the king, because the people have made me afraid. And your handmaid said, I will now speak to the king. It may be that the king will do what his handmaid has asked. For the king will hear, to deliver his handmaid out of the hand of the man who would destroy me and my son together out of the inheritance of God. And your handmaid said, The word of my lord the king shall now be comforting. For as an angel of God, so is my lord the king, to see what is good and bad. And the LORD your God will be with you. And the king answered and said to the woman, Please do not hide from me the thing that I shall ask you. And the woman said, Let my lord the king now speak. And the king said, Is the hand of Joab with you in all this? And the woman answered and said, As your soul lives, my lord the king, none shall turn to the right hand or to the left from anything which my lord the king has spoken. For your servant Joab commanded me. And he put all these words in the mouth of your handmaid. Your servant Joab has done this thing to change the face of the matter. And my lord is wise according to the wisdom of an angel of God, to know all that is in the land.

Jabberwocky.  Who cares?

And the king said to Joab, Behold now, I have done this thing. Go therefore and bring the young man Absalom again. And Joab fell to the ground on his face, and bowed himself, and thanked the king. And Joab said, Today your servant knows that I have found grace in your sight, my lord, O, king, in that the king has done what your servant has asked. And Joab arose and went to Geshur, and brought Absalom to Jerusalem. And the king said, Let him turn to his own house, and let him not see my face. And Absalom returned to his own house, and did not see the king’s face. But in all Israel there was not a man handsome like Absalom. From the sole of his foot even to the crown of his head there was no blemish in him. And when he sheared his head (for it was at every year’s end that he sheared it, because it was heavy on him. And he sheared it), and he weighed the hair of his head at two hundred shekels, according to the king’s weight. And there were born three sons to Absalom, and one daughter, whose name was Tamar. She was a woman with a beautiful face.

Whomever wrote this book was seriously homosexual.  No straight man would ever describe another man as ‘not a man handsome like Absalom.  From the sole of his foot even to the crown of his head..no blemish in him. ‘ and he had a fantastically thick mane of hair.  Or, maybe I am totally wrong, and a woman wrote this book.

And Absalom lived two full years in Jerusalem and did not see the king’s face. And Absalom sent to Joab, to send him to the king. But he would not come to him. And when he sent again a second time, he would not come. And he said to his servants, See, Joab’s field is near mine, and he has barley there. Go and set it on fire! And Absalom’s servants set the field on fire. And Joab arose and came to Absalom’s house, and said to him, Why have your servants set my field on fire? And Absalom answered Joab, Behold, I sent to you, saying, Come here so that I may send you to the king, to say, Why have I come from Geshur? It was good for me to be there still. And now let me see the king’s face, and if there is iniquity in me, let him kill me. And Joab came to the king and told him. And when he had called for Absalom, he came to the king and bowed himself on his face to the ground before the king. And the king kissed Absalom.

I hope there was no tongue in that kiss.


And it happened after this, Absalom prepared himself chariots and horses and fifty men to run before him. And Absalom rose up early and stood beside the way of the gate. And it was so, if any man had a suit to come before the king for judgment, then Absalom called to him and said, What city are you from? And he said, Your servant is of one of the tribes of Israel. And Absalom said to him, See! Your matters are good and right. But no listener from the king will hear you. And Absalom said, Oh that I might be made judge in the land, so that every man who has any suit or cause might come to me, and I would do him justice! And it was so, when any man came near to bow down to him, he put forth his hand and took him and kissed him. And in this way Absalom did to all Israel that came to the king for judgment. And Absalom stole the hearts of the men of Israel.

Gayer still, ‘stole the hearts of the men of Israel.’

And it happened at the end of forty years, Absalom said to the king, Please let me go and pay my vow which I have vowed to the LORD in Hebron. For your servant vowed a vow while I lived at Geshur in Syria, saying, If the LORD will indeed bring me again to Jerusalem, then I will serve the LORD. And the king said to him, Go in peace. And he arose and went to Hebron. But Absalom sent spies throughout all the tribes of Israel, saying, As soon as you hear the sound of the ram’s horn, then you shall say, Absalom reigns in Hebron! And with Absalom went two hundred called men out of Jerusalem. And they went in their honesty, and did not know anything. And Absalom sent for Ahithophel of Giloh, David’s counselor, from his city Giloh, while he offered sacrifices. And the conspiracy was strong, for the people with Absalom grew more and more.

Move it along…

And a messenger came to David saying, The hearts of the men of Israel are after Absalom. And David said to all his servants with him at Jerusalem, Arise, and let us flee! For otherwise we shall not escape from Absalom. Make haste to depart, lest he overtake us suddenly and bring evil upon us, and strike the city with the edge of the sword. And the king’s servants said to the king, Behold. your servants will do whatever my lord the king shall choose. And the king went forth, and all his household after him. And the king left ten women, concubines, to keep the house. And the king went forth, and all the people after him, and stayed in a place that was far off. And all his servants passed on beside him. And all the Cherethites, and all the Pelethites, and all the Gittites, six hundred men who came after him from Gath, passed on before the king. Then the king said to Ittai the Gittite, Why do you also go with us? Return to your place, and stay with the king. For you are a stranger, and also an exile. Since you came only yesterday, should I make you go up and down with us today? Since I go where I may, you may return and take back your brothers. May mercy and truth be with you. And Ittai answered the king and said, As the Lord lives, and as my lord the king lives, surely in whatever place my lord the king shall be, whether in death or life, even there also will your servant be. And David said to Ittai, Go and pass over. And Ittai the Gittite passed over, and all his men, and all the little ones with him. And all the country wept with a loud voice, and all the people passed over. The king himself also passed over the brook Kidron, and all the people passed over toward the way of the wilderness.

Fuck…do something.

And lo, Zadok came also, and all the Levites were with him, carrying the ark of the covenant of God. And they set down the ark of God. And Abiathar went up until all the people had finished passing out of the city. And the king said to Zadok, Carry the ark of God back into the city. If I shall find favor in the eyes of the LORD, He will bring me again and show it to me, and its dwelling place also. But if He says this, I have no delight in you; behold me, and let Him do to me as seems good to Him. The king also said to Zadok the priest, Are you a seer? Return to the city in peace, and your two sons with you. Ahimaaz your son, and Jonathan the son of Abiathar. Behold, I will wait in the plain of the wilderness until there comes word from you to tell me. And Zadok and Abiathar carried the ark of God again to Jerusalem. And they remained there. And David went up by the ascent of mount Olivet. And he wept as he went up, and had his head covered, and he went barefoot. And of all the people with him, each man covered his head. And they went up, weeping as they went.

Why are we weeping?  Because of the Gitties?

And one told David, saying, Ahithophel is among the conspirators with Absalom. And David said, O LORD, I pray You, turn the advice of Ahithophel to foolishness. And it happened when David had come to the top, where he worshiped God, behold, Hushai the Archite came to meet him with his coat torn and earth upon his head. David said to him, If you pass on with me, then you shall be a burden to me. But if you return to the city and say to Absalom, I will be your servant, O king; I have been your father’s servant until now, and now I also will be your servant, then you may break down the advice of Ahithophel for me. And do you not have there with you Zadok and Abiathar the priests? And it shall be, whatever you shall hear out of the king’s house, you shall tell it to Zadok and Abiathar the priests. Behold, they have their two sons there with them, Ahimaaz, Zadok’s son, and Jonathan, Ahimaaz’s son. And you shall send to me everything that you hear by them. And David’s friend Hushai came to the city. And Absalom came into Jerusalem.



And David had passed on a little from the top. And, behold, Ziba the servant of Mephibosheth met him with a couple of asses saddled, and upon them two hundred loaves of bread, and a hundred bunches of raisins, and a hundred of summer fruits, and a bottle of wine. And the king said to Ziba, What are these to you? And Ziba said, The asses are for the king’s household to ride upon. And the bread and summer fruit are for the young men to eat. And the wine is so that the ones who are faint in the wilderness may drink. And the king said, And where is your master’s son? And Ziba said to the king, Behold, he remains at Jerusalem. For he said, Today the house of Israel shall restore to me the kingdom of my father. And the king said to Ziba, Behold, All that belonged to Mephibosheth is yours. And Ziba said, I humbly beg you that I may find grace in your sight, my lord, O king.

Grocery list.

And king David came to Bahurim. And, behold, a man of the house of Saul came out from there, whose name was Shimei, the son of Gera. He came out, and he came cursing. And he threw stones at David and at all the servants of king David. And all the people and all the mighty men were on his right hand, and on his left. And Shimei said this in his cursing, Go out, O man of blood, O man of Belial. The LORD has returned on you all the blood of the house of Saul, in whose place you have reigned. And the LORD has delivered the kingdom into the hand of Absalom your son. And behold, you are taken in your mischief, because you are a man of blood! And Abishai the son of Zeruiah said to the king, Why should this dead dog curse my lord the king? Please let me go over and take off his head. And the king said, What have I to do with you, sons of Zeruiah? Let him curse, because the LORD has said to him, Curse David. Who then shall say, Why have you done so? And David said to Abishai and to all his servants, Behold, my son, who came forth from my bowels, seeks my life; and surely now this Benjamite? Let him alone and let him curse, for the LORD has spoken to him. It may be that the LORD will look on my affliction, and that the LORD will repay me with good for his cursing this day. And David and his men went by the highway. And Shimei went along on the hillside over across from him, and cursed as he went, and threw stones at him, and threw dust. And the king, and all the people with him arrived weary. And they refreshed themselves there.

Glad someone called David out on his shit.  David turns the other cheek, apparently.

And Absalom and all the people, the men of Israel, came to Jerusalem. And Ahithophel went with him. And it happened, when Hushai the Archite, David’s friend, had come to Absalom, Hushai said to Absalom, Let the king live, let the king live! And Absalom said to Hushai, Is this your kindness to your friend? Why did you not go with your friend? And Hushai said to Absalom, No, but whom the LORD and this people, and all the men of Israel choose, his will I be, and I will stay with him. And again, whom should I serve? Should I not serve in the presence of his son? As I have served in your father’s presence, so I will be in your presence. And Absalom said to Ahithophel, Give your advice. What shall we do? And Ahithophel said to Absalom, Go in to your father’s concubines, that he left to keep the house. And all Israel shall hear that you are abhorred by your father. And the hands of all who are with you will be strong. And they spread Absalom a tent on the top of the house, and Absalom went in to his father’s concubines in the sight of all Israel. And the advice of Ahithophel, which he advised in those days, was as if a man had inquired at the oracle of God. So was all the advice of Ahithophel, both with David and with Absalom.

Absalom goes and bangs his Dad’s concubines.  Wow.  Such morals.


And Ahithophel said to Absalom, Please let me choose out twelve thousand men, and I will arise and pursue after David tonight. And I will come upon him while he is weary and weak-handed, and I will make him tremble. And all the people with him will flee. And I will strike the king by himself. And I will bring back all the people to you, when all return, except the man whom you are seeking. All the people shall be in peace. And the saying pleased Absalom very much, and all the elders of Israel. And Absalom said, Please call Hushai the Archite also, and let us hear likewise what is in his mouth. And Hushai came in to Absalom. And Absalom spoke to him saying, Ahithophel has spoken in this way. Shall we do his word? If not, you speak. And Hushai said to Absalom, The advice which Ahithophel has given is not good at this time. For, Hushai said, you know your father and his men, that they are mighty men, and they are bitter of soul, like a bear robbed of her cubs in the field. And your father is a man of war, and will not stay the night with the people. Behold, he is hidden now in some pit, or in one of the places. And it shall be, at the falling among them at the first, whoever hears will say, There is a slaughter among the people who follow Absalom. And also he, the son of valor, whose heart is like the heart of a lion, shall utterly melt. For all Israel knows that your father is a mighty man, and they who are with him are mighty men. Therefore I advise that all Israel be generally gathered to you, from Dan even to Beer-sheba, like the sand that is by the sea for multitude. And you yourself shall go into battle. And we shall come upon him in some place where he shall be found, and we will light upon him like the dew falls upon the ground. And of all the men that are with him, not even one shall be left. And if he has gotten into a city, then all Israel shall bring ropes to that city, and we will draw it into the river until there is not one small stone found there. And Absalom and all the men of Israel said, The counsel of Hushai the Archite is better than the counsel of Ahithophel. For the LORD had appointed to defeat the good counsel of Ahithophel, to the intent that the LORD might bring evil on Absalom.

God of the subtle is back.

And Hushai said to Zadok and to Abiathar the priests, This and this Ahithophel advised Absalom and the elders of Israel, and this and this I have advised. And now send quickly and tell David, saying, Do not stay in the plains of the wilderness tonight, but speedily pass over, lest the king be swallowed up, and all the people with him. And Jonathan and Ahimaaz stayed by En-rogel, for there they might not be seen to come into the city. And a slave-girl went and told them, and they went and told king David. But a lad saw them and told Absalom. But both of them went away quickly, and came to a man’s house in Bahurim, who had a well in his court, into which they went down. And the woman took and spread a covering over the well’s mouth, and spread ground grain on it, and the thing was not known. And when Absalom’s servants came to the woman, to the house, they said, Where are Ahimaaz and Jonathan? And the woman said to them, They have gone over the brook of water. And when they had searched and could not find them, they returned to Jerusalem. And it happened after they had departed, they came up out of the well, and went and told King David. And they said to David, Arise and pass quickly over the waters, for this is what Ahithophel has advised against you.

Why is there mention of Jonathan mentioned?  Thought he was dead…a long time in this narrative.  Some strange covering a well by a slave girl.

Then David and all the people with him arose. And they passed over Jordan. By the morning light there was not one of them that had not gone over Jordan. And when Ahithophel saw that his counsel was not followed, even he saddled the ass and arose, and went home to his house, to his city, and put his household in order. And he hanged himself and died, and was buried in the tomb of his father. And David came to Mahanaim. And Absalom passed over Jordan, he and all the men of Israel with him. And Absalom made Amasa captain of the army instead of Joab. This Amasa was the son of a man named Ithra, an Israelite, who went in to Abigail the daughter of Nahash, sister to Zeruiah, Joab’s mother. And Israel and Absalom pitched in the land of Gilead. And it happened when David came to Mahanaim, Shobi the son of Nahash of Rabbah, of the sons of Ammon, and Machir the son of Ammiel of Lodebar, and Barzillai the Gileadite of Rogelim, brought beds and basins and earthen vessels, and wheat and barley and flour and roasted grain, and beans and lentils and other roasted food, and honey and butter and sheep and cheese from cows, for David and for the people with him to eat. For they said, The people are hungry and weary and thirsty in the wilderness.

That’s exciting, eating.

And David numbered the people who were with him, and set captains of thousands and captains of hundreds over them. And David sent forth a third of the people under the hand of Joab, and a third under the hand of Abishai the son of Zeruiah, Joab’s brother, and a third under the hand of Ittai the Gittite. And the king said to the people, I will also surely go forth with you myself. But the people answered, You shall not go forth. For if we run away, they will not set their heart on us, even if half of us die. For now you are worth ten thousand of us. And now it is better that you remain to help us from the city. And the king said to them, I will do what is good in your eyes. And the king stood by the side of the gate, and all the people came out by hundreds and by thousands. And the king commanded Joab and Abishai and Ittai, saying, For my sake be gentle with the young man, with Absalom. And all the people heard when the king gave all the commanders charge concerning Absalom. And the people went out into the field against Israel. And the battle was in the forest of Ephraim. And the people of Israel were killed there before the servants of David. And there was a great slaughter that day of twenty thousand. For the battle was scattered there over the face of all the country. And the forest devoured more people that day than the sword devoured.

Forest devoured more than the sword?  Disease?

And Absalom met the servants of David. And Absalom rode on a mule, and the mule went under the thick boughs of a great oak. And his head caught hold of the oak, and he was taken up between the heavens and the earth. And the mule under him went away. And a certain man saw and told Joab, and said, Behold, I saw Absalom hanged in an oak. And Joab said to the man who told him, And, behold, you saw him, and why did you not strike him there to the ground? And I would have given you ten shekels of silver and a girdle. And the man said to Joab, Though I should receive a thousand silverlings in my hand, yet I would not put forth my hand against the king’s son. For in our ears the king charged you and Abishai and Ittai, saying, Beware you who go against the young man, against Absalom. Or I would have dealt falsely with my own life, for there is no matter hidden from the king, and you yourself would have set yourself against me. And Joab said, I cannot stay here with you this way! And he took three darts in his hand and thrust them through the heart of Absalom while he was still alive in the midst of the oak. And ten young men who bore Joab’s armor surrounded and struck Absalom, and killed him. And Joab blew the ram’s horn, and the people returned from pursuing Israel. For Joab held back the people. And they took Absalom and threw him into a great pit in the forest. And they laid a very great heap of stones upon him. And all Israel fled, each one to his tent. And Absalom in his lifetime had taken and reared up for himself a pillar, which is in the King’s Valley. For he said, I have no son to keep my name in remembrance. And he called the pillar after his own name. And it is called until this day, Absalom’s monument.

Um, ok.  Absalom gets stuck in a tree…then they stab him with 3 darts, then bury him with a shit ton of stones.  I would bet Absalom’s monument does not exist.

Then Ahimaaz the son of Zadok said, And let me run and bear the news to the king, how the LORD has avenged him of his enemies. And Joab said to him, You shall not bear news today, but you shall bear good news some other day. But today you shall bear no tidings, because the king’s son is dead. And Joab said to Cushi, Go tell the king what you have seen. And Cushi bowed himself to Joab, and ran. And Ahimaaz the son of Zadok said yet again to Joab, Yet whatever, please let me also run after the Cushite. And Joab said, Why will you run, my son, since you have no good news ready? But he said, Yet whatever, let me run! And he said to him, Run. And Ahimaaz ran by the way of the plain, and ran past the Cushite. And David sat between the two gates. And the watchman went up to the roof over the gate to the wall, and lifted up his eyes and looked. And behold, a man ran alone. And the watchman cried and told the king. And the king said, If he is alone, there is news in his mouth. And he came apace and drew near. And the watchman saw another man running. And the watchman called to the porter and said, Behold, another man running alone. And the king said, He also brings news. And the watchman said, I see the running of the first is like the running of Ahimaaz the son of Zadok. And the king said, He is a good man, and comes with good news. And Ahimaaz called and said to the king, Peace! And he fell down upon his face before the king, and said, Blessed be the LORD your God, who has delivered up the men who lifted up their hand against my lord the king. And the king said, Peace to the young man, to Absalom? And Ahimaaz answered, When Joab sent the king’s servant, and your servant, I saw a great uproar, but I did not know what it was. And the king said, Turn aside, stand here. And he turned aside and stood still. And, behold, Cushi came. And Cushi said, Good news, my lord the king, for the LORD has avenged you this day of all those who rose up against you. And the king said to Cushi, Peace to the young man, to Absalom? And Cushi answered, May the enemies of my lord the king, and all who rise against you to do you hurt, be as the young man. And the king was much moved, and went up to the room over the gate and wept. And as he went, he said this, O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! Would God I had died for you, O Absalom, my son, my son!

So David really loved his son.  This is so long winded.

And it was told to Joab, Behold, the king weeps and mourns for Absalom. And the victory that day was turned into mourning to all the people. For the people heard it said that day how the king was grieved for his son. And the people went up secretly into the city that day, as people who are ashamed steal away when they flee in battle. But the king covered his face, and the king cried with a loud voice, O my son Absalom, O Absalom, my son, my son! And Joab came into the house to the king and said, You have today shamed the faces of all your servants. For they have saved your life and the lives of your sons and your daughters today, the lives of your wives, and the lives of your concubines. By loving your enemies and hating those who love you, you have declared today that there are neither commanders nor servants to you. For I know that today if Absalom had lived and all of us had died today, then it would have pleased you very much! And now get up and go out. Speak to the heart of your servants. For I swear by the LORD if you do not go out, not a man shall stay with you tonight. And that will be worse to you than all the evil which has come to you from your youth until now. Then the king arose and sat in the gate. And they told it to the people, saying, Behold, the king sits in the gate! And all the people came before the king. (For Israel had fled, every one to his tent.)

Everyone mourns, move it along.

And it happened, all the people quarreled throughout all the tribes of Israel, saying, The king saved us out of the hand of our enemies, and he delivered us out of the hand of the Philistines. And now he has fled out of the land from Absalom. And Absalom, whom we anointed over us, is dead in battle. And now why do you not speak a word about bringing the king back? And king David sent to Zadok and to Abiathar the priests, saying, Speak to the elders of Judah, saying, Why are you the last to bring the king back to his house? For the word of all Israel has come to the king, to his house. You are my brothers, and my flesh and my bone. Why then are you the last to bring back the king? And you say to Amasa, Are you not of my bone and of my flesh? May God do so to me, and more also, if you are not commander of the army before me all the days instead of Joab. And he bowed the heart of all the men of Judah, even as one man, so that they sent to the king, saying, Return, you and all your servants. And the king returned and came to Jordan. And Judah came to Gilgal to go to meet the king, to conduct the king over Jordan.

Blah blah blah, fuck, is anyone reading this?   How do people make it all the way through this stupid book?

And Shimei the son of Gera, the Benjamite from Bahurim, hurried and came down with the men of Judah to meet king David. And a thousand men of Benjamin were with him, and Ziba the servant of the house of Saul, and his fifteen sons and his twenty servants with him. And they went over Jordan before the king. And they had crossed over the ford to carry over the king’s household, and to do what he thought good. And Shimei the son of Gera fell down before the king as he had come over Jordan. And he said to the king, Let not my lord charge iniquity to me. Do not remember the perverse way your servant acted in the day that my lord the king went out of Jerusalem, for the king to take it to his heart. For your servant knows that I have sinned. And, behold, I come today, the first of all the house of Joseph to go down to meet my lord the king. But Abishai the son of Zeruiah answered and said, Shall not Shimei be put to death for this, because he cursed the LORD’s anointed? And David said, What do I have to do with you, you sons of Zeruiah, that you should be my foes today? Shall there be any man put to death today in Israel? For do I not know that I am king over Israel today? And the king said to Shimei, You shall not die. And the king swore to him.

Great.  Who cares?

And Mephibosheth the son of Saul came down to meet the king. And he had neither dressed his feet, nor trimmed his moustache, nor washed his clothes, from the day the king departed until he came in peace. And it happened when he had come to Jerusalem to meet the king, the king said to him, Why did you not go with me, Mephibosheth? And he answered, My lord, O, king, my servant deceived me. For your servant said, I will saddle me an ass so that I may ride on it and go to the king, because your servant is lame. And he spoke slander against your servant to my lord the king. But my lord the king is as an angel of God. And do what is good in your eyes. For all my father’s house were but dead men before my lord the king. And you set your servant among those eating at your own table. What right then have I to cry to the king any more? And the king said to him, Why do you speak any more of your matters? I have said, You and Ziba divide the land. And Mephibosheth said to the king, Yes, let him take all, because my lord the king has come in peace to his own house.

Fuck this book is slow.  Divide the land and move on.

And Barzillai of Gilead came down from Rogelim, and went over Jordan with the king to conduct him over Jordan. And Barzillai was a very aged man, eighty years old. And he had provided food for the king while he abode at Mahanaim, for he was a very great man. And the king said to Barzillai, Come over with me and I will sustain you with me in Jerusalem. And Barzillai said to the king, How long do I have to live, that I should go up with the king to Jerusalem? I am eighty years old today, and can I discern between good and evil? Can your servant taste what I eat or what I drink? Can I any more hear the voice of singing men and singing women? Why then should your servant be still a burden to my lord the king? Your servant will go a little way over Jordan with the king. And why should the king repay me with such a reward? Please let your servant return so that I may die in my own city by the grave of my father and of my mother. But behold your servant Chimham, let him go over with my lord the king. And do to him what shall seem good to you. And the king answered, Chimham shall go over with me, and I will do to him that which shall seem good to you. And whatever you shall ask of me, that I will do for you. And all the people went over Jordan. And when the king had come over, the king kissed Barzillai, and blessed him. And he returned to his place.

What is with all of these characters popping in and out of the narrative?  It does not add anything and just makes it confusing.

And the king went on to Gilgal, and Chimham went on with him. And all the people of Judah were bringing the king, and also half the people of Israel. And, behold, all the men of Israel came to the king, and said to the king, Why have our brothers the men of Judah stolen you away, and have brought the king and his household, and all David’s men with him, over Jordan? And all the men of Judah answered the men of Israel, Because the king is near to us. Why then are you angry for this matter? Have we eaten at all at the king’s cost? Or has he given us any gift? And the men of Israel answered the men of Judah and said, We have ten parts in the king, and we also have more right in David than you. Why then did you despise us, so that our advice should not be sought first in bringing back our king? And the words of the men of Judah were more fierce than the words of the men of Israel.

Blah blah, who fucking cares?

And there happened to be there a man of Belial named Sheba, the son of Bichri, a Benjamite. And he blew a ram’s horn and said, We have no part in David, neither do we have any inheritance in the son of Jesse. Every man to his tents, O, Israel! And every man of Israel went up from after David, following Sheba the son of Bichri. But the men of Judah clung to their king, from Jordan even to Jerusalem. And David came to his house at Jerusalem. And the king took the ten women, his concubines, whom he had left to keep the house, and put them in ward, and fed them but did not go in to them. And they were shut up till the day of their death, living in widowhood.

Another one hit wonder.

And the king said to Amasa, gather to me the men of Judah within three days, and you be present here. And Amasa went to gather Judah. But he stayed longer than the set time which he had appointed him. And David said to Abishai, And Sheba the son of Bichri shall do us more harm than Absalom. You take your lord’s servants and pursue him, lest he get himself into fortified cities and escape us. And Joab’s men went out after him, and the Cherethites, and the Pelethites, and all the mighty men. And they went out of Jerusalem to pursue Sheba the son of Bichri. They were at the great stone which is in Gibeon, and Amasa had gone before them. And Joab was girded with his war-coat as his clothing. And upon it was a girdle with a sword fastened upon his loins, in its sheath. And as he went forth, it fell out. And Joab said to Amasa, Are you well, my brother? And Joab took Amasa by the beard with the right hand to kiss him. And Amasa was not on guard against the sword that was in Joab’s hand. And he struck him with it in the belly, and poured out his bowels to the ground. And he did not strike him again. And he died. And Joab and Abishai his brother pursued after Sheba the son of Bichri. And one of Joab’s men stood by him and said, He who favors Joab, and he who is for David, go after Joab! And Amasa wallowed in blood in the middle of the highway. And the man saw that all the people stood still. And he moved Amasa out of the highway into the field, and threw a garment over him when he saw that everyone who came by him stood still. When he was moved out of the highway, all the people went on after Joab, to pursue after Sheba the son of Bichri.

Bloody murder.  And..who cares?

And he went through all the tribes of Israel to Abel, and to Beth-maachah, and to all the Berites. And they were gathered, and went after him too. And they came and besieged him in Abel of Beth-maachah. And they threw up a siege-mound against the city. And it stood against the wall. And all the people with Joab were undermining the wall to make it fall. Then a wise woman cried out of the city, Hear, hear! Please say to Joab, Come near here so that I may speak with you. And when he had come near her, the woman said, Are you Joab? And he answered, I am. And she said to him, Hear the words of your handmaid. And he answered, I hear. And she spoke, saying, They spoke often in days gone by, saying, Surely they will ask of Abel, and so they ended the matter. I am peaceable and faithful in Israel. You seek to destroy a city and a mother in Israel. Why will you swallow up the inheritance of the LORD? And Joab answered and said, Far be it, far be it from me, that I should swallow up or destroy. The matter is not so. But a man of mount Ephraim, Sheba the son of Bichri by name, has lifted up his hand against the king, against David. Only deliver him, and I will depart from the city. And the woman said to Joab, Behold, his head shall be thrown to you over the wall. Then the woman went to all the people in her wisdom. And they cut off the head of Sheba the son of Bichri, and threw it out to Joab. And he blew the ram’s horn, and they scattered from the city, each man to his tent. And Joab returned to Jerusalem to the king.


And Joab was over all the army of Israel. And Benaiah the son of Jehoiada was over the Cherethites and over the Pelethites. And Adoram was over the tribute. And Jehoshaphat the son of Ahilud was recorder. And Sheva was scribe. And Zadok and Abiathar were the priests. And also Ira the Jairite was a chief ruler around David.

More pointless characters.

And there was a famine in the days of David three years, year after year. And David inquired of the LORD. And the LORD answered, For Saul, and for his bloody house, because he killed the Gibeonites. And the king called the Gibeonites and spoke to them. And the Gibeonites were not of the sons of Israel, but of the remnant of the Amorites. And the sons of Israel had sworn to them. And Saul sought to kill them in his zeal to the sons of Israel and Judah. And David said to the Gibeonites, What shall I do for you? And with what shall I atone for this, so that you may bless the inheritance of the LORD? And the Gibeonites said to him, We will have no silver nor gold from Saul, nor from his house. Also, we will have no man in Israel put to death. And he said, What you shall say, I will do for you. And they answered the king, The man who destroyed us, and who devised against us, that we should be destroyed from remaining in any of the borders of Israel let seven men of his sons be delivered to us, and we will hang them up to the Lord in Gibeah of Saul, the chosen of the LORD. And the king said, I will give them. But the king spared Mephibosheth, the son of Jonathan the son of Saul, because of the LORD’s oath that was between them, between David and Jonathan the son of Saul. But the king took the two sons of Rizpah the daughter of Aiah, whom she bore to Saul, Armoni and Mephibosheth, and the five sons of Michal the daughter of Saul, whom she bore to Adriel the son of Barzillai the Meholathite. And he delivered them into the hands of the Gibeonites. And they hanged them in the hill before the LORD. And they fell, seven together, and were put to death in the days of harvest, in the first days, in the beginning of barley harvest.

Human sacrifice?  God of the harvest now, I guess.

And Rizpah the daughter of Aiah took sackcloth and spread it for herself upon the rock, from the beginning of harvest until water dropped upon them out of heaven. And she did not allow either the birds of the air to rest on them by day, nor the beasts of the field by night. And it was told David what Rizpah the daughter of Aiah, the concubine of Saul, had done. And David went and took the bones of Saul and the bones of Jonathan his son from the men of Jabesh-gilead, who had stolen them from the street of Beth-shan, where the Philistines had hanged them when the Philistines had slain Saul in Gilboa. And he brought the bones of Saul and the bones of Jonathan his son up from there. And they gathered the bones of those who were hanged. And they buried the bones of Saul and Jonathan his son in the land of Benjamin in Zelah, in the tomb of his father Kish. And they did all that the king commanded. And afterward God heeded prayer for the land.

God heeded a prayer?  I guess he can be swayed.

And again the Philistines warred with Israel. And David went down, and his servants with him, and fought against the Philistines. And David became faint. And Ishbi-benob, who was of the sons of the giant, the weight of whose spear was three hundred shekels of bronze in weight. And he being girded with a new sword thought to kill David. But Abishai the son of Zeruiah came to his aid, and struck the Philistine, and killed him. Then the men of David swore to him, saying, You shall not go out to battle with us any more, so that you do not put out the light of Israel. And it happened after this there was again a battle with the Philistines at Gob. Then Sibbechai the Hushathite killed Saph, who was of the sons of the giant. And there was again a battle with the Philistines in Gob, where Elhanan of Bethlehem, the son of Jaare-oregim, killed one of Goliath the Gittite, the staff of whose spear was like a weaver’s beam. And there was yet again a battle in Gath. And there was a man of stature who had six fingers on each hand, and six toes on each foot, twenty-four in number. And he also was born to the giant. And when he defied Israel, Jonathan the son of Shimeah, the brother of David, killed him. These four were born to the giant in Gath, and fell by the hand of David, and by the hand of his servants.

I feel bad for Goliath and his family, David really has it out for them.

And David spoke to the LORD the words of this song in the day the LORD had delivered him out of the hand of all his enemies, and out of the hand of Saul.

And he said, The LORD is my Rock, and my Fortress, and my Deliverer. The God who is my Rock, in Him will I trust. He is my Shield, and the Horn of my salvation, my High Tower, and my Refuge, my Savior. You save me from violence. I will call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised. And I shall be saved from my enemies. When the waves of death encircled me, the floods of ungodly men made me afraid. The sorrows of hell hemmed me in. The snares of death went in front of me. In my distress I called upon the LORD and cried to my God. And he heard my voice out of His temple, and my cry entered into His ears. And the earth shook and trembled. The foundations of the heavens moved and shook because He was angry. Smoke went up out of His nostrils, and fire out of His mouth devoured. Coals were kindled by it. He bowed the heavens also, and came down. And darkness was under His feet. And He rode upon a cherub and did fly. And He was seen upon the wings of the wind. And He made darkness coverings around Him, dark waters, thick clouds of the skies. From the brightness before Him were coals of fire kindled. The LORD thundered from the heavens, and the Most High uttered His voice. And He sent out arrows, and scattered them; lightning, and troubled them. And the channels of the sea appeared, the foundations of the world were uncovered, at the rebuking of the LORD, at the blast of the breath of His nostrils. He sent from above, He took me. He drew me out of many waters. He delivered me from my strong enemy, from those who hated me; for they were stronger than I. They went before me in the day of my calamity, but the LORD was my stay. He brought me forth also into a large place. He delivered me because He delighted in me. The LORD rewarded me according to my righteousness, according to the cleanness of my hands He has rewarded me. For I have kept the ways of the LORD, and have not wickedly departed from my God. For all His judgments were before me. And as for His statutes, I did not depart from them. I was also upright before Him, and have kept myself from my iniquity. And the LORD rewarded me according to my righteousness, according to my cleanness in His eyes. With the faithful You will show Yourself faithful; with the upright man You will show Yourself upright. With the pure You will show Yourself pure; and with the perverted You will appear perverse. And You will save the afflicted people, but Your eyes are on the proud, whom You bring low. For You are my lamp, O LORD. And the LORD will lighten my darkness. For by You I have run through a troop. By my God I have leaped over a wall. As for God, His way is perfect. The word of the LORD is tried. He is a shield to all those who seek refuge in Him. For who is God, except Jehovah? And who is a rock except our God? God is my strength and power, and He makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like hinds’ feet, and causing me to stand on my high places. He teaches my hands to war, so that my hands may bend a bow of bronze. You have also given me the shield of Your salvation, and Your gentleness has made me great. You have enlarged my steps under me, so that my feet did not slip. I have pursued my enemies and destroyed them, and turned not again until I had finished them. And I have crushed them and wounded them so that they could not rise. Yea, they have fallen under my feet. For You have girded me with strength to battle. You have subdued under me those who rose up against me. You have also given me the necks of my enemies; I silenced those who hate me. They looked, but there was none to save; to the LORD, but He did not answer them. Then I beat them as small as the dust of the earth, I stamped them like the mire of the streets and spread them out. You have also delivered me from the strivings of my people, You have kept me the head of the nations. A people I knew not shall serve me. Strangers shall submit themselves to me. As soon as they hear, they shall obey me. Strangers shall fade away, and they shall be afraid out of their strongholds. The LORD lives! And blessed be my Rock, and exalted be the God, the Rock of my salvation. It is God who avenges me and who brings down the peoples under me, and who brings me forth from my enemies. You also lift me up on high above those rising up against me. You deliver me from the violent man. Therefore, I will give thanks to You, O LORD, among the heathen, and I will sing praises to Your name. He is the Tower of salvation for His king, and He shows mercy to His anointed, to David and to his seed, forevermore.

Wow this passages seems out of place and added on later.  The whole tone of it is completely different from everything that has come before it.  It does not read like the rest of the old testament and seems to smack of New Testament style.  I will mark this for later review.

And these are the last words of David. David the son of Jesse said, and the man who was raised up on high, the anointed of the God of Jacob, and the sweet psalmist of Israel, said: The Spirit of the LORD spoke by me, and His word was in my tongue. The God of Israel said, The Rock of Israel spoke to me: he who rules over men justly, ruling in the fear of God, is as the light of the morning, as the sun rises, a morning without clouds. The tender grass springs out of the earth through shining after rain. Although my house is not so with God, yet He has made with me an everlasting covenant, ordered in all things, and sure. For all my salvation, and all my desire, will He not make it grow? But the wicked, all of them, shall be like a thorn thrust away, because they cannot be taken by the hand. But the man who shall touch them must be armed with iron and the staff of a spear. And they shall be utterly burned in their place.

Nice last words, I must say.  Wonder if he really dies here?

These are the names of the mighty men whom David had: Josheb-basshebeth the Tachmonite, chief of the three; he was called Adino the Eznite, because of the eight hundred he killed at one time. And after him was Eleazar the son of Dodo the Ahohite, one of the three mighty men with David when they defied the Philistines who were gathered there to battle; and the men of Israel had gone up; he arose and struck the Philistines until his hand was weary, and until his hand clung to the sword. And the LORD worked a great victory that day. And the people returned after him only to spoil. And next was Shammah the son of Agee the Hararite. And the Philistines were gathered together into a troop, where there was a piece of ground full of lentils. And the people fled from the Philistines. But he stood in the middle of the ground and delivered it, and killed the Philistines. And the LORD worked a great victory. And three of the thirty chief men went down and came to David in the harvest time into the cave of Adullam. And the troop of the Philistines pitched in the Valley of the Giants. And David was then in a stronghold, and the fort of the Philistines was then in Bethlehem. And David longed and said, Oh that someone would give me a drink from the water of the well of Bethlehem by the gate! And the three mighty men broke through the army of the Philistines, and drew water out of the well of Bethlehem by the gate, and took it, and brought it to David. But he would not drink of it, but poured it out to the LORD. And he said, Be it far from me, O LORD, that I should do this. Is it not the blood of the men who went in danger of their lives? And he would not drink it. These three mighty men did these things. And Abishai the brother of Joab, the son of Zeruiah, was chief among three. And he lifted up his spear against three hundred and killed them, and had the name among three. Surely he was honored more than the three. And he was their commander. However he did not attain to the first three. And Benaiah the son of Jehoiada from Kabzeel, a son of a mighty man, great in deeds. He killed two lion-like men of Moab. He went down also and killed a lion in the middle of a pit in time of snow. And he killed an Egyptian, a man of form. And the Egyptian had a spear in his hand, but he went down to him with a staff and plucked the spear out of the Egyptian’s hand, and killed him with his own spear. These things did Benaiah the son of Jehoiada, and had the name among three mighty ones. He was more honorable than the thirty, but he did not attain to the first three. And David set him over his guard. Asahel the brother of Joab was of the thirty; Elhanan the son of Dodo of Bethlehem; Shammah the Harodite; Elika the Harodite; Helez the Paltite; Ira the son of Ikkesh, the Tekoite; Abiezer the Anathothite; Mebunnai the Hushathite; Zalmon the Ahohite; Maharai the Netophathite; Heleb the son of Baanah, a Netophathite; Ittai the son of Ribai out of Gibeah, of the sons of Benjamin; Benaiah the Pirathonite; Hiddai of the brooks of Gaash; Abialbon the Arbathite; Azmaveth the Barhumite; Eliahba the Shaalbonite, of the sons of Jashen; Jonathan; Shammah the Hararite; Ahiam the son of Sharer, the Hararite; Eliphelet the son of Ahasbai, the son of the Maachathite; Eliam the son of Ahithophel, the Gilonite; Hezrai the Carmelite; Paarai the Arbite; Igal the son of Nathan of Zobah; Bani the Gadite; Zelek the Ammonite; Naharai the Beerothite, armor-bearer to Joab the son of Zeruiah; Ira, and Ithrite; Gareb, and Ithrite; Uriah the Hittite– thirty-seven in all.

So many characters we don’t care about and probably won’t hear from again.

And again the anger of the LORD was kindled against Israel, and He moved David against them to say, Go count Israel and Judah. For the king said to Joab the commander of the army, who was with him, Go around through all the tribes of Israel, from Dan to Beer-sheba, and count the people so that I may know the number of the people. And Joab said to the king, And may the LORD your God add to the people however many they be, a hundred times as many, and may the eyes of my lord the king may see. But why does my lord the king delight in this thing? But the king’s word prevailed against Joab, and against the commanders of the army. And Joab and the commanders of the army went out from the presence of the king to number the people of Israel. And they passed over Jordan and pitched in Aroer, on the right side of the city that is in the middle of the Valley of Gad, and to Jazer. And they came to Gilead, and to the land of Tahtim-hodshi. And they came to Dan-jaan, and around to Sidon. And they came to the stronghold of Tyre, and to all the cities of the Hivites and of the Canaanites; and went out to the south of Judah, to Beer-sheba. And they went to and fro through all the land, and came to Jerusalem at the end of nine months and twenty days. And Joab gave the sum of the number of the people to the king. And there were in Israel eight hundred thousand strong men who drew the sword. And the men of Judah were five hundred thousand men.

Fuck me those numbers are way too high.  800,000 men of fighting age in Israel, 500,000 Judah.  1.3 million able bodied men plus all of the women and children.  No way the land can support that many people without modern farming.

And David’s heart struck him after he had numbered the people. And David said to the LORD, I have sinned greatly in what I have done. And now, I beseech You, O LORD, take away the iniquity of Your servant, for I have done very foolishly. And David rose up in the morning. And the word of the LORD came to the prophet Gad, David’s seer, saying, Go and say to David, So says the LORD, I offer you three things. Choose one of them, so that I may do it to you. And Gad came to David, and told him, and said to him, Shall seven years of famine come upon you and on your land? Or will you flee three months before your enemies while they pursue you? Or shall there be three days’ plague in your land? And advise, and see what answer I shall return to Him who sent me. And David said to Gad, I am in great distress. Let us fall now into the hand of the LORD, for His mercies are great. And do not let me fall into the hand of man. And the LORD sent a plague upon Israel from the morning even till the time appointed. And there died from the people, from Dan to Beer-sheba, seventy thousand men. And when the angel stretched out his hand upon Jerusalem to destroy it, the LORD turned from the evil, and said to the angel who destroyed the people, Enough! And stay your hand. And the angel of the LORD was by the threshing-place of Araunah the Jebusite. And David spoke to the LORD when he saw the angel who struck the people, and said, Lo, I have sinned, and I have done wickedly. But these sheep, what have they done? I pray You, let Your hand be against me and against my father’s house.

Nice writing here, actually.  And pleading not to punish his people for his sins.

And Gad came that day to David, and said to him, Go up! Rear an altar to the LORD in the threshing-floor of Araunah the Jebusite. And David went up, according to the saying of Gad, as the LORD commanded. And Araunah looked and saw the king and his servants coming on toward him. And Araunah went out and bowed before the king, his face to the ground. And Araunah said, Why has my lord the king come to his servant? And David said, To buy the threshing-floor from you, to build an altar to the LORD, so that the plague may be stayed from the people. And Araunah said to David, Let my lord the king take and offer up what seems good to him. Behold, oxen for burnt sacrifice, and threshing instruments, and instruments of the oxen for wood. All these Araunah, like a king, gave to the king. And Araunah said to the king, May the LORD your God accept you. And the king said to Araunah, No, but I will surely buy from you at a price. And I will not offer burnt offerings to the LORD my God of that which costs me nothing. And David bought the threshing-floor and the oxen for fifty shekels of silver. And David built there an altar to the LORD, and offered burnt offerings and peace offerings. And the LORD was entreated for the land, and the plague was stayed from Israel.

Bought a threshing room to build an altar.  Odd, but that is par for the course here.  Fuck.  David is still not dead.

This is the end of second Samuel.  Holy shit it is a hard read.  Better than Numbers, but that will be hard to top.


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