1 Samuel

Samuel 1

And there was a certain man of Ramathaim-zophim from the hills of Ephraim, and his name was Elkanah, the son of Jeroham, the son of Elihu, the son of Tohu, the son of Zuph, an Ephrathite. And he had two wives, the name of the one was Hannah, and the name of the second, Peninnah. And Peninnah had children, but Hannah had no children. And this man went up out of his city from year to year, to worship and to sacrifice to the LORD of hosts in Shiloh. And the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, the priests of the LORD, were there. And the time came that Elkanah offered, he gave portions to Peninnah his wife, and to all her sons and her daughters. But to Hannah he gave one double portion, for he loved Hannah. But the LORD had shut up her womb. And her foe also provoked her grievously, in order to make her tremble, because the LORD had shut up her womb. And as he did so year by year, when she went up to the house of the LORD, so she provoked her. And she wept and did not eat. And Elkanah her husband said to her, Hannah, why do you weep? And why do you not eat? And why is your heart grieved? Am I not better to you than ten sons?

Another barren woman. Another case of polygamy. I feel bad for women at the time, they were worthless unless they have children.

And Hannah rose up after they had eaten in Shiloh and after they had drunk. And Eli the priest sat on the seat by the side post of the temple of the LORD. And she was in bitterness of soul, and prayed to the LORD, and wept sorely. And she vowed a vow and said, O, Lord of hosts, if You will indeed look upon the affliction of Your handmaid and remember me, and not forget Your handmaid, but will give to Your handmaid a man-child, then I will give him to the LORD all the days of his life, and there shall no razor come upon his head. And it happened as she continued praying before the LORD, Eli noticed her mouth. Now Hannah spoke in her heart, only her lips moved, but her voice was not heard. And Eli thought she had become drunk. And Eli said to her, How long will you be drunken? Put away your wine from you! And Hannah answered, No, my lord, I am a woman of a sorrowful spirit. I have neither drunk wine nor strong drink, but have poured out my soul before the LORD. Do not count your handmaid for a daughter of wickedness, for out of the abundance of my meditation and grief I have spoken until now. And Eli answered and said, Go in peace, and the God of Israel grant to you your petition that you have asked of Him. And she said, Let your handmaid find grace in your sight. So the woman went her way and ate, and her face was no longer sad.

Suck it up, bitch.

And they rose up in the morning early, and worshiped before the LORD, and returned, and came to their house to Ramah. And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife, and the LORD remembered her. And it happened when the time had come around, Hannah conceived and bore a son and called his name Samuel, saying, Because I have asked him of the LORD. And the man Elkanah and all his house went up to offer to the LORD the yearly sacrifice and his vow. But Hannah did not go up. For she said to her husband, Until the child is weaned, and then I will bring him so that he may appear before the LORD and stay there forever. And Elkanah her husband said to her, Do what seems good to you. Stay until you have weaned him. Only may the LORD establish His word. So the woman stayed and gave her son suck until she weaned him. And when she had weaned him, she took him up with her, with three bulls and one ephah of flour, and a skin of wine, and brought him to the house of the LORD in Shiloh. And the child was young. And they killed a bull, and brought the child to Eli. And she said, O, my lord, as your soul lives, my lord, I am the woman who stood by you here, praying to the LORD. For this boy I was praying, and the LORD has given me my petition which I asked of Him. And I have returned him to the LORD. As long as he lives, he shall be given to the LORD. And he worshiped the LORD there.

Yet another miracle baby from a barren womb.

Samuel 2

And Hannah prayed and said, My heart rejoices in the LORD, my horn is exalted in the LORD. My mouth is enlarged over my enemies because I rejoice in Your salvation. There is none holy as the LORD, for there is none beside You. Neither is there any rock like our God. Talk no more so very proudly. Remove arrogance out of your mouth, for the LORD is a God of knowledge, and by Him actions are weighed. The bows of the mighty are broken, and they that stumbled are girded with strength. They that were full have hired themselves out for bread, and they that were hungry ceased; yea, while the barren has borne seven, and she who had many sons has languished. The LORD kills and makes alive. He brings down to Sheol, and brings up. The LORD takes away, and He gives riches; He brings low; yea, He lifts up high. He raises up the poor out of the dust; He lifts up the needy from the dunghill to set them among princes; yea, He causes them to inherit a throne of honor; for to the LORD are the pillars of the earth; and He sets the habitable world on them. He keeps the feet of his saints, and the wicked are silenced in darkness; for by strength shall no man prevail. The foes of the LORD shall be broken to pieces. He thunders in the heavens upon them. The LORD shall judge the ends of the earth. And He shall give strength to His king, and exalts the horn of His anointed.

Interesting. This is the first mention of Sheol, the land of the dead for Jews. There is no hell or heaven people go to, yet. Another important point is the mention of how HE puts the world on the pillars that hold up the Earth. The Earth also has corners. According to the Bible, we live on a flat Earth, set on pillars, with God ‘up’ in heaven.

And Elkanah went to Ramah to his house. And the child served the LORD before Eli the priest. And the sons of Eli were sons of Belial. They did not know the LORD. And the priests’ custom with the people was: If any man offered sacrifice, the priest’s servant came while the flesh was boiling, with a flesh-hook of three teeth in his hand. And he stuck it into the pan or kettle or caldron or pot. All that the flesh-hook brought up the priest took for himself. So they did in Shiloh to all the Israelites that came there. Yea, before they burned the fat, the priest’s servant came and said to the man who sacrificed, Give flesh to roast for the priest. For he will not have boiled flesh from you, but raw! And if any man said to him, Let them not fail to burn the fat at once, and then take as your soul desires, then he would answer him, No! But you shall give now! And if not, I will take it by force. And the sin of the young men was very great before the LORD. For men despised the offering of the LORD. And Samuel served before the LORD, a child girded with a linen ephod. And his mother made him a little coat, and brought it to him from year to year when she came up with her husband to offer the yearly sacrifice. And Eli blessed Elkanah and his wife, and said, May the LORD give you seed of this woman for the loan which is loaned to the LORD. And they went to their own home. And the LORD visited Hannah so that she conceived, and she bore three sons and two daughters. And the child Samuel grew before the LORD. And Eli was very old, and heard all that his sons did to all Israel, and how they lay with the women who gathered at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation. And he said to them, Why do you do such things? For I hear of your evil dealings by all the people. No, my sons, for it is no good report that I hear. You make the LORD’s people to transgress. If one man sins against another, the judge shall judge him. But if a man sins against the LORD, who shall plead for him? But they did not listen to the voice of their father, because the LORD desired to kill them. And the child Samuel went on growing both in stature and in good looks, both with the LORD and also with men.

Ironic that Samuel gets a much better, complete back story than Jesus. There are temple sluts/whores? Sam is a hot looking dude, apparantly.

And there came a man of God to Eli, and said to him, So says the LORD: Did I plainly appear to the house of your father when they were in Egypt in Pharaoh’s house? And did I choose him out of all the tribes of Israel to be My priest, to offer upon My altar, to burn incense, to wear an ephod before Me? And did I give to the house of your father all the offerings made by fire from the sons of Israel? Why do you kick at My sacrifice and My offering, which I have commanded in My house? Do you honor your sons above Me, to make yourselves fat with the best of all the offerings of Israel My people? And the LORD God of Israel says, I said indeed, Your house and the house of your father should walk before Me forever. But now the LORD says, Be it far from Me! For those who honor Me I will honor, and those that think little of Me shall be lightly regarded. Behold, the days come when I will cut off your arm and the arm of your father’s house, so that no old man shall be in your house. And you shall see an adversary in My house, in all the good which he does with Israel. And there shall not be an old man in your house forever. And that man of yours whom I shall not cut off from My altar, shall be left in order to make your eyes fail, and to grieve your heart. And all the increase of your house shall die young men. And this shall be a sign to you, which shall come upon your two sons, on Hophni and Phinehas; in one day both of them shall die. And I will raise up a faithful priest to Myself, one who shall do according to what is in My heart and in My mind. And I will build him a sure house, and he shall walk before My anointed forever. And it shall be that everyone who is left in your house shall come and bow down to him for a piece of silver and a piece of bread. And they shall say, Please put me into one of the priests’ offices so that I may eat a piece of bread.

Callback to Exodus, again. Then, a crapton of just babble. Prophesy, maybe? So vague.


And the child Samuel served the LORD before Eli. And the word of the LORD was precious in those days. There was no open vision. And it happened at that time, when Eli was lying down in his place, and his eyes began to become dim so that he could not see. And the lamp of God had not gone out. And Samuel was lying down in the temple of the LORD, where the ark of God was. And the LORD called Samuel. And he answered, Here am I. And he ran to Eli, and said, Here am I. For you called me. And he said, I did not call. Go and lie down again. And he went to lie down. And the LORD called again, Samuel! And Samuel arose and went to Eli and said, Here am I, for you called me. And he answered, I did not call, my son. Go back, lie down. And Samuel did not yet know the LORD, and the word of the LORD had not yet been revealed to him. And the LORD called Samuel again, the third time. And he arose and went to Eli and said, Here am I, for you called me. And Eli saw that the LORD had called the child. And Eli said to Samuel, Go, lie down; and it shall be, if One calls you, you shall say, Speak, LORD, for Your servant hears. And Samuel went to lie down in his place. And the LORD came and stood, and called as at other times, Samuel, Samuel! Then Samuel answered, Speak, for Your servant hears.

Fuck, four times before you speak to the LORD. God of the obtuse.

And the LORD said to Samuel, Behold, I will do a thing in Israel at which both the ears of everyone who hears it shall tingle. In that day I will confirm to Eli all that which I have spoken as to his house, beginning and making an end. For I have told him that I will judge his house forever for the iniquity which he knows, because his sons made themselves vile and he did not restrain them. And therefore I have sworn to the house of Eli that the iniquity of Eli’s house shall not be purged with sacrifice nor offering forever. And Samuel lay until morning, and opened the doors of the house of the LORD. And Samuel feared to show Eli the vision. And Eli called Samuel and said, Samuel, my son. And he answered, Here am I. And he said, What is the word which He has said to you? Please do not hide it from me. God do so to you, and more also, if you hide a thing from me of all the words that He said to you. And Samuel told him all the words, and hid nothing from him. And he said, It is the LORD; let Him do what seems good to Him.


And Samuel grew, and the LORD was with him and let none of his words fall to the ground. And all Israel, from Dan even to Beer-sheba, knew that Samuel was established to be a prophet of the LORD. And the LORD appeared again in Shiloh. For the LORD revealed himself to Samuel in Shiloh by the word of the LORD.

Moving along.


And the word of Samuel was revealed to all Israel. And Israel went out against the Philistines to battle, and pitched beside Ebenezer. And the Philistines pitched in Aphek. And the Philistines put themselves in order against Israel. And the battle was joined. And Israel was beaten before the Philistines. And they killed about four thousand men of the army in the field. And when the people had come to the camp, the elders of Israel said, Why has the LORD beaten us today before the Philistines? Let us bring the ark of the covenant of the LORD out of Shiloh to us, so that when it comes among us it may save us out of the hand of our enemies. And the people sent to Shiloh in order to bring the ark of the covenant of the LORD of hosts from there, the ark which dwells between the cherubs. And the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were there with the ark of the covenant of God. And it happened when the ark of the covenant of the LORD came into camp, all Israel shouted with a great shout, so that the earth rang again. And when the Philistines heard the noise of the shout, they said, What is the noise of this great shout in the camp of the Hebrews? And they saw that the ark of the LORD had come into the camp. And the Philistines were afraid, for they said, God has come into the camp, And they said, Woe to us! For there has not been a thing like this before. Woe to us! Who shall deliver us out of the hand of these mighty gods? These are the gods that struck the Egyptians with all the plagues in the wilderness. Be strong and fight like men, O, Philistines, so that you may not be servants to the Hebrews, as they have been to you. Be men and fight!

The ark is brought into town. Ummm, why do they refer to gods? Would they not know the Israelite worship one god?

And the Philistines fought, and Israel was beaten, and each one of them fled into his tent. And there was a very great slaughter, for there fell thirty thousand footmen of Israel. And the ark of God was taken. And Hophni and Phinehas, the two sons of Eli, were slain.

So I guess the ark is not all powerful. The Philistines are kicking their ass pretty bad.

And a man of Benjamin ran out of the army. And he came to Shiloh the same day with his clothes torn and with earth upon his head. And he came in, and behold, Eli sat on a seat by the wayside watching. For his heart trembled for the ark of God. And when the man came into the city and told it, all the city cried out. And when Eli heard the noise of the crying, he said, What is the noise of this tumult? And the man hurried in and told Eli. And Eli was ninety-eight years old, and his eyes were set so that he could not see. And the man said to Eli, I am he who came out of the army, and I fled today out of the army. And he said, How did the matter go, my son? And the messenger answered and said, Israel has fled before the Philistines, and there has been a great slaughter among the people also. And also your two sons, Hophni and Phinehas, are dead, and the ark of God is taken. And it happened when he spoke of the ark of God, he fell backward off the seat, by the side of the gate. And his neck broke, and he died, for he was an old man, and heavy. And he had judged Israel forty years.

And his daughter-in-law, Phinehas’ wife, was with child, ready to be delivered. And when she heard the report that the ark of God was taken, and that her father-in-law and her husband were dead, she bowed herself and travailed, for her pains came upon her. And about the time of her death the women that stood by her said to her, Do not fear, for you have borne a son. But she did not answer, nor set her heart. And she named the child Ichabod, saying, The glory has departed from Israel, because the ark of God had been taken, and because of her father-in-law and her husband. And she said, The glory has departed from Israel, for the ark of God is taken.

Well, this was a dark passage. Kind of an Empire Strikes Back kind of thing. The ark has been taken, and Phinehas’ wife dies shortly after childbirth. Will Israel recover? Will anyone care?


And the Philistines took the ark of God, and brought it from Ebenezer to Ashdod. And the Philistines took the ark of God and brought it into the house of Dagon, and set it beside Dagon. And when those of Ashdod arose early on the next day, behold, Dagon had fallen upon his face to the earth before the ark of the LORD. And they took Dagon and set him in his place again. And when they arose early on the next morning, behold, Dagon had fallen on his face to the earth before the ark of the LORD. And the head of Dagon, and both the palms of his hands, were cut off upon the threshold. Only the stump of Dagon was left to him. And neither the priests of Dagon, nor any that come into Dagon’s house, tread on the threshold of Dagon in Ashdod to this day.

I think this story is cute, the poor statue of Dagon keeps falling over, with pieces falling off. Also, why does God allow the ark to be taken?

And the hand of the LORD was heavy on the people of Ashdod, and He destroyed them and struck them with hemorrhoids, Ashdod and its borders. And the men of Ashdod saw that it was so. And they said, The ark of the God of Israel shall not stay with us. For His hand is sore upon us and upon Dagon our god. And they sent and gathered all the lords of the Philistines to them. And they said, What shall we do with the ark of the God of Israel? And they answered, Let the ark of the God of Israel be carried around to Gath. And they carried the ark of the God of Israel around. And it happened after they had carried it around, the hand of the LORD was against the city with a very great destruction. And He struck the men of the city, both small and great, and hemorrhoids broke forth in them. And it happened that they sent the ark of God to Ekron. And it happened as the ark of God came to Ekron, the Ekronites cried out, saying, They have brought around the ark of the God of Israel to us in order to kill us and our people. And they sent and gathered all the lords of the Philistines, and said, Send away the ark of the God of Israel, and let it go again to its own place, so that it does not kill us and our people. For there was a deadly destruction throughout all the city. The hand of God was very heavy there. And the men that did not die were stricken with the hemorrhoids. And the cry of the city went up to the heavens.

Bwahahaha, cursed them with hemorrhoids…hehe. Best Curse Ever. Oh, I understand why the ark was allowed to be captured. Hemorrhoids…and death.


And the ark of the LORD was in the field of the Philistines seven months. And the Philistines called for the priests and the diviners, saying, What shall we do to the ark of the LORD? Tell us with what we shall send with it to its place. And they said, If you send away the ark of the God of Israel, do not send it empty. For you shall certainly send a guilt offering to him. Then you shall be healed, and it shall be known to you why His hand is not removed from you. And they said, What shall be the guilt offering which we shall return to Him? And they answered, Five golden hemorrhoids, and five golden mice, for the number of the lords of the Philistines. For one plague was on you all, and on your lords. And you shall make images of your hemorrhoids, and images of your mice which mar the land. And you shall give glory to the God of Israel. Perhaps He will lighten His hand from off you, and from off your gods, and from off your land. And why do you harden your hearts, as the Egyptians and Pharaoh hardened their hearts? When He had worked wonderfully among them, did they not let the people go, and did they not depart? And now make a new cart, and take two milk cows on which there has come no yoke, and tie the cows to the cart, and bring their calves home from them. And take the ark of the LORD and lay it on the cart. And put the jewels of gold which you return to Him for a trespass offering in a box in its side. And send it away so that it may go. And watch. If it goes up by the way of its own border to Beth-shemesh, He has done us this great evil. But if not, then we shall know that it is not His hand that struck us. It was a chance that happened to us.

Hehe, golden hemorrhoids…hehe. Comedy gold.

And the men did so. And they took two milk cows and tied them to the cart, and shut up their calves at home. And they laid the ark of the LORD on the cart, and the box with the mice of gold and the images of their hemorrhoids. And the cows took the straight way to the way of Beth-shemesh, going along the highway, lowing as they went. And they did not turn aside to the right or to the left. And the lords of the Philistines went after them to the border of Beth-shemesh. And the people of Beth-shemesh were reaping their wheat harvest in the valley. And they lifted up their eyes and saw the ark, and rejoiced to see it. And the cart came into the field of Joshua, a Bethshemite, and stood there and there was a great stone. And they cut the wood of the cart and offered the cows as a burnt offering to the LORD. And the Levites took down the ark of the LORD and the box in it, in which the jewels of gold were, and put them on the great stone. And the men of Beth-shemesh offered burnt offerings and sacrificed sacrifices the same day to the LORD. And when the five lords of the Philistines had seen, they returned to Ekron on that day. And these are the golden hemorrhoids which the Philistines returned for a guilt offering to the LORD: for Ashdod, one; for Gaza, one; for Askelon one; for Gath, one; for Ekron, one. And the golden mice were according to the number of all the cities of the Philistines for the five lords, of fortified cities and of country villages, even to the great meadow on which they set down the ark of the LORD to this day, in the field of Joshua the Bethshemite.

Wow, this is a silly book. Glad they returned the evil box.

And He struck the men of Beth-shemesh because they had looked into the ark of the LORD. He even struck seventy among the people, including fifty chief men. And the people lamented because the LORD had struck the people with a great slaughter. And the men of Beth-shemesh said, Who is able to stand before this holy LORD God? And to whom shall He go up from us? And they sent messengers to the people of Kirjath-jearim, saying, The Philistines have brought again the ark of the LORD. Come down and bring it up to yourselves.

All I can imagine here is Raider of the Lost Ark.


And the men of Kirjath-jearim came and brought up the ark of the LORD, and brought it into the house of Abinadab in the hill. And they sanctified Eleazar his son to keep the ark of the LORD. And it happened from the day the ark began to dwell in Kirjath-jearim, the days became many; yea, they were twenty years. And all the house of Israel yearned after the LORD.

20 years, somewhere.

And Samuel spoke to all the house of Israel saying, If you return to the LORD with all your hearts, then put away the strange gods and Ashtaroth from among you, and prepare your hearts to the LORD, and serve Him only. And He will deliver you out of the hand of the Philistines. And the sons of Israel put away the Baals and the Ashtaroth, and served the LORD only. And Samuel said, Gather all Israel to Mizpeh, and I will pray for you to the LORD. And they were gathered to Mizpeh, and drew water, and poured out before the LORD, and fasted on that day, and said there, We have sinned against the LORD. And Samuel judged the sons of Israel in Mizpeh.

Always with the jealousy.

And the Philistines heard that the sons of Israel had come together to Mizpeh. And the lords of the Philistines went up against Israel. And the sons of Israel heard, and they were afraid of the Philistines. And the sons of Israel said to Samuel, Do not cease from crying to the LORD our God for us, so that He will save us out of the hand of the Philistines. And Samuel took a suckling lamb, and offered a whole burnt offering to the LORD. And Samuel cried to the LORD for Israel, and the LORD answered him. And it happened as Samuel was offering up the burnt offering, the Philistines drew near to battle against Israel. But the LORD thundered with a great noise on that day on the Philistines, and troubled them. And they were beaten before Israel. And the men of Israel went out of Mizpeh, and pursued the Philistines, and struck them as far as below Beth-car. And Samuel took a stone and set it between Mizpeh and Shen, and called the name of it Ebenezer, saying, The LORD has helped us until now.

So? The LORD still not on their side, maybe? Oh, they are now, we put a rock on top of some other rocks.

And the Philistines were beaten, and they did not come any more into the border of Israel. And the hand of the LORD was against the Philistines all the days of Samuel. And the cities which the Philistines had taken from Israel were given back to Israel, from Ekron even to Gath. And Israel delivered its borders out of the hand of the Philistines. And there was peace between Israel and the Amorites. And Samuel judged Israel all the days of his life. And he went from year to year in a circuit to Bethel and Gilgal and Mizpeh, and judged Israel in all those places. And his return was to Ramah, for his house was there. And he judged Israel there. And he built an altar there to the LORD.

Yeah, they won. Whoopteedo.


And it happened when Samuel was old, he made his sons judges over Israel. And the name of his first-born was Joel, and the name of his second was Abiah, judges in Beer-sheba. And his sons did not walk in his ways, but turned aside after ill gain and took bribes and perverted judgment.

Rotten kids, even in the Bible.

And all the elders of Israel gathered themselves and came to Samuel to Ramah. And they said to him, Behold, you are old, and your sons do not walk in your ways. Now make us a king to judge us like all the nations. But the thing was evil in the eyes of Samuel, when they said, Give us a king to judge us. And Samuel prayed to the LORD. And the LORD said to Samuel, Listen to the voice of the people in all that they say to you. For they have not rejected you, but they have rejected Me, that I should not reign over them. According to all the works which they have done since the day that I brought them up out of Egypt even until this day– works with which they have forsaken Me and served other gods– so they do also to you. And now listen to their voice. Only, you shall surely protest solemnly to them, and show them the kind of king who shall reign over them. And Samuel told all the words of the LORD to the people who asked a king of him. And he said, This will be the privilege of the king who shall reign over you. He shall take your sons and appoint them for himself, for his chariots, and his horsemen. And they shall run before his chariots. And he will appoint commanders over thousands, and commanders over fifties, and some to plow his ground and reap his harvest, and make his weapons of war and weapons for his chariots. And he will take your daughters to be perfumers and cooks and bakers. And he will take your fields and your vineyards and your olive-yards, the best, and give them to his servants. And he will take the tenth of your seed and of your vineyards, and give it to his eunuchs and to his servants. And he will take your male slaves and your slave girls, and your finest young men, and your asses, and put them to his work. He will take the tenth of your sheep, and you shall be his servants. And you shall cry out in that day because of your king whom you have chosen for yourselves, and the LORD will not answer you in that day. But the people refused to obey the voice of Samuel. And they said, No, but we will have a king over us. And we shall be, also we, like all the nations, so that our king may judge us and go out before us and fight our battles. And Samuel heard all the words of the people, and he repeated them in the ears of the LORD. And the LORD said to Samuel, Listen to their voice, and make them a king. And Samuel said to the men of Israel, Every man go to his city.

No idea what this means.


And there was a man of Benjamin, and his name was Kish, the son of Abiel, the son of Zeror, the son of Bechorath, the son of Aphiah, a Benjamite, a mighty man of power. And he had a son named Saul, a young and handsome one. And there was not a man among the sons of Israel more handsome than he, being taller than any of the people from his shoulder and upward.

Some of this passages really sound like they were written by a homosexual. Why does appearance matter?

And the asses of Kish, Saul’s father, were lost. And Kish said to Saul his son, Please take one of the servants with you and rise, and go look for the asses. And he passed through mount Ephraim, and passed through the land of Shalisha, but they did not find them. And they passed through the land of Shaalim, and nothing there. And he passed through the land of Benjamin, but they did not find them. And they came to the land of Zuph, and Saul said to his servant who was with him, Come and let us return lest my father quit caring for the asses, and be anxious about us. And he said to him, Behold now, in this city is a man of God, and an honorable man. All that he says surely comes to pass. Now let us go there. Perhaps he can declare our way to us, how to go. Then Saul said to his young man, But behold, if we go, what shall we bring the man? For the bread in our vessels is gone, and there is no present to bring to the man of God. What do we have? And the young man answered Saul again, and said, Behold, I have found the fourth of a shekel of silver. I will give it to the man of God to tell us our way. (In the old days in Israel, when a man went to inquire of God, he said this: Come, let us go to the seer, for the prophet of today was before called a seer.) And Saul said to his young man, Your word is good. Come, let us go. So they went into the city where the man of God was.

Who the fuck cares about your lost asses?  Why is this in the Bible?

As they went up the hill to the city, they found young women going out to draw water, and said to them, Is the seer here? And they answered them and said, He is. Behold, he is before you. Hurry now, for he came today to the city, for there is a feast of the people today in the high place. As you come to the city, you shall immediately find him before he goes up to the high place to eat. For the people will not eat until he comes, because he blesses the feast. Afterwards those who have been invited eat. And now go up, for about this time you shall find him. And they went up into the city. When they had come into the middle of the city, behold, Samuel came out to meet them, to go up to the high place. And the LORD had told Samuel in his ear a day before Saul came, saying, Tomorrow about this time I will send you a man out of the land of Benjamin. And you shall anoint him to be leader over My people Israel, so that he may save My people out of the hand of the Philistines. For I have looked on My people because their cry has come to Me. And when Samuel saw Saul, the LORD said to him, Behold the man of whom I spoke to you! This one shall reign over My people.

Wow this is wordy…and pointless.

And Saul drew near to Samuel in the gate and said, Please tell me where the seer’s house is. And Samuel answered Saul and said, I am the seer. Go up before me to the high place. For you shall eat with me today, and tomorrow I will let you go, and will tell you all that is in your heart. And as to the asses which were lost to you three days ago, do not set your mind on them. For they are found. And on whom is all the desire of Israel? Is it not on you and on all your father’s house? And Saul answered and said, Am I not a Benjamite, of the smallest of the tribes of Israel? And is not my family the least of all the families of the tribe of Benjamin? Why then do you speak so to me? And Samuel took Saul and his young man and brought them into the room, and gave them a place at the head of the invited ones, about thirty persons. And Samuel said to the cook, Bring that part which I gave you, of which I said to you, Set it beside you. And the cook took up the shoulder and that on it, and set it before Saul. And Samuel said, Behold that which is reserved! Set it before you and eat. For until this set time it has been kept for you, since I said, I have invited the people. And Saul ate with Samuel that day. And they came down from the high place into the city, and he spoke with Saul on the top of the house. And they arose early. And it happened about the spring of the day that Samuel called Saul to the top of the house, saying, Up, so that I may send you away. And Saul arose, and both of them went out, he and Samuel outside. They were going down to the end of the city, and Samuel said to Saul, Tell the servant to pass on before us and pass on. And you stand still awhile, so that I may cause you to hear the word of God.

Fuck, move it along.  Yes, yes, see the seer.


And Samuel took a vial of oil and poured on his head, and kissed him, and said, Is it not because the LORD has anointed you for a leader over His inheritance? When you have departed from me today, then you shall find two men by Rachel’s tomb in the border of Benjamin at Zelzah. And they will say to you, The asses which you went to seek are found. And, lo, your father has quit caring for the asses and sorrows for you, saying, What shall I do for my son? And you shall go forward from there, and you shall come to the great tree of Tabor. And there you shall meet three men going up to God to Bethel, one carrying three kids, and another carrying three loaves of bread, and another carrying a skin of wine. And they will greet you and give you two loaves of bread, which you shall take from their hand. After that you shall come to the hill of God, where the garrison of the Philistines is. And it will happen to you when you come there to the city, even you shall meet a company of prophets coming down from the high place with a harp and a tambourine and a flute and a lyre before them. And they shall prophesy. And the spirit of the LORD will come powerfully on you, and you shall prophesy with them, and shall be turned into another man. And it will be when these signs have come to you, you will do for yourself what your hand finds; for God is with you. And you shall go down before me to Gilgal. And, behold, I will come down to you to offer burnt offerings and to sacrifice peace offerings. You shall stay seven days until I come to you and make known to you what you shall do.

So specific, yet so boring at the same time. When did God lose the ability to speak directly?

And it happened when he had turned his back to go from Samuel, God changed him with another heart. And all those signs came on that day. And they came there to the hill, behold, a company of prophets met him. And the Spirit of God came on him, and he prophesied among them. And it happened when all who knew him before saw him, behold, he prophesied among the prophets. And the people said to one another, What is this that has happened to the son of Kish? Is Saul also among the prophets? And a man from there answered and said, And who is their father? Therefore it became a proverb, Is Saul also among the prophets? And he finished from prophesying, and he came to the high place. And Saul’s uncle said to him and to his young man, Where did you go? And he said, To look for the asses. And when we saw that they were nowhere, we came to Samuel. And Saul’s uncle said, Please tell me, what Samuel said to you. And Saul said to his uncle, He told us plainly that the asses were found. But he did not tell him of the matter of the kingdom of which Samuel spoke.

God changing hearts again.  Now, we use prophets and no direct appearance of God.  Still no information about who will be king.

And Samuel called the people together to the LORD to Mizpeh. And he said to the sons of Israel, So says the LORD God of Israel, I brought up Israel out of Egypt, and delivered you out of the hand of the Egyptians, and out of the hand of all kingdoms, of those who oppressed you. And you have this day rejected your God who Himself saved you out of all your calamities and your tribulations. And you have said to Him, But set a king over us. And now present yourselves before the LORD by your tribes and by your thousands. And when Samuel had caused all the tribes of Israel to come near, the tribe of Benjamin was taken. When he had caused the tribe of Benjamin to come near by their families, the family of Matri was taken, and Saul the son of Kish was taken. And they looked for him, but he could not be found. And they inquired of the LORD further, Has the man yet come here? And the LORD answered, Behold, he is hiding himself among the baggage. And they ran and brought him from there. And when he stood among the people, he was taller than all of the people from the shoulders and upward. And Samuel said to all the people, Do you see him whom the LORD has chosen, that there is none like him among all the people? And all the people shouted, and said, Let the king live! Then Samuel told the people the duties of the kingdom, and wrote in a book and laid it up before the LORD. And Samuel sent all the people away, each to his house. And Saul also went home to Gibeah. And a band of men went with him, whose hearts God had touched. But the sons of Belial said, How shall this man save us? And they despised him and brought him no present. But he was silent.

So, he is king now? They seem to really despise Samuel, also, yet another reminder of exodus.


And Nahash the Ammonite came up and camped against Jabesh-gilead. And all the men of Jabesh said to Nahash, Make a covenant with us, and we will serve you. And Nahash the Ammonite answered them, With this I will make a covenant with you, when all your right eyes are dug out and I will make it a reproach on all Israel. And the elders of Jabesh said to him, Bear with us seven days, so that we may send messengers to all the territory of Israel. And then if there is no man to save us, we will come out to you. Then the messengers came to Gibeah of Saul, and told the news in ears of the people. And all the people lifted up their voices and wept.

We will come in 7 days if we don’t hear anything.

And, behold, Saul came after the herd out of the field. And Saul said, What is wrong with the people that they weep? And they told him the words of the men of Jabesh. And the Spirit of God came powerfully on Saul when he heard those words, and his anger was kindled greatly. And he took a yoke of oxen and cut them in pieces, and sent throughout all the territory of Israel by the hands of messengers, saying, Whoever does not come out after Saul and after Samuel, so shall it be done to his oxen. And the fear of the LORD fell on the people, and they came out as one man. And when he numbered them in Bezek, the sons of Israel were three hundred thousand, and the men of Judah thirty thousand. And they said to the messengers that came, So shall you say to the men of Jabesh-gilead, Tomorrow by the time the sun is hot, you shall have help. And the messengers came and told the men of Jabesh, and they were glad. And the men of Jabesh said, Tomorrow we will come out to you, and you shall do with us all that seems good to you. And it was so on the next day, Saul put the people in three companies, and they came into the middle of the army at the morning watch. And they killed the Ammonites until the heat of the day. And the ones who remained were scattered, so that two of them were not left together.

Cutting up the yoke or the ox?  Either way, a little stupid.  And why worry when you have an army of 330,000?  Which is a totally unrealistic.  I really don’t get this Samuel/Saul thing.

And the people said to Samuel, Who is he that said, Shall Saul reign over us? Bring the men so that we may put them to death. And Saul said, There shall not a man be put to death this day, for today the LORD has worked salvation in Israel. Then Samuel said to the people, Come and let us go to Gilgal and renew the kingdom there. And all the people went to Gilgal, and made Saul king before the LORD in Gilgal, and there they sacrificed sacrifices of peace offerings before the LORD. And there Saul and all the men of Israel rejoiced greatly.



And Samuel said to all Israel, Behold, I have listened to your voice in all that you said to me, and have made a king over you. And now, behold, the king walks before you. And I am old and gray-headed, and, behold, my sons are with you. And I have walked before you from my childhood to this day. Behold, here I am. Witness against me before the LORD and before His anointed. Whose ox have I taken? Or whose ass have I taken? Or whom have I defrauded? Whom have I oppressed? Or from whose hand have I received a bribe, to blind my eyes with it? And I will restore it to you. And they said, You have not defrauded us nor oppressed us, neither have you taken from any man’s hand. And he said to them, The LORD is witness against you, and His anointed is witness this day, that you have not found anything in my hand. And they answered, He is witness.

Blah blah, I am old, here is your king.

And Samuel said to the people, It is the LORD who made Moses and Aaron, and who brought your fathers up out of the land of Egypt. And now stand still, so that I may reason with you before the LORD of all the righteous acts of the LORD which He did to you and to your fathers. When Jacob had come into Egypt, and your fathers cried to the LORD, then the LORD sent Moses and Aaron, who brought your fathers out of Egypt and made them live in this place. And they forgot the LORD their God. And He sold them into the hand of Sisera, captain of the army of Hazor, and into the hand of the Philistines, and into the hand of the king of Moab, and they fought against them. And they cried to the LORD, and said, We have sinned because we have forsaken the LORD, and have served the Baals and Ashtoreths. But now deliver us out of the hand of our enemies, and we will serve You. And the LORD sent Jerubbaal, and Bedan, and Jephthah, and Samuel, and delivered you out of the hand of your enemies on every side, and you lived safely. And when you saw that Nahash the king of the sons of Ammon came against you, you said to me, No, but a king shall reign over us, even though the LORD your God was your King. And now, behold the king whom you have chosen, whom you have desired! And behold, the LORD has set a king over you! If you will fear the LORD, and serve Him, and listen to His voice, and not rebel against the command of the LORD, then both you and also the king who reigns over you shall continue following the LORD your God. But if you will not listen to the voice of the LORD, but rebel against the command of the LORD, then the hand of the LORD shall be against you as it was against your fathers.

Fuck, move it along.

Also, now stand and see this great thing which the LORD shall do before your eyes. Is it not wheat harvest today? I will call to the LORD, and He shall send thunder and rain, so that you may perceive and see that your wickedness is great, that which you have done in the sight of the LORD, in asking a king for you. And Samuel called to the LORD, And the LORD sent thunder and rain that day. And all the people greatly feared the LORD and Samuel. And all the people said to Samuel, Pray for your servants to the LORD your God, so that we will not die. For we have added evil to all our sins, to ask a king for us. And Samuel said to the people, Do not fear. You have done all this wickedness. Yet do not turn aside from following the LORD, but serve the LORD with all your heart. And do not turn aside to go after vanities, which cannot profit nor deliver. For they are vain. For the LORD will not forsake His people for His great name’s sake, because it has pleased the LORD to make you His people. Also, I, far be it from me that I should sin against the LORD from ceasing to pray for you. But I will teach you the good and the right way. Only fear the LORD, and serve Him in truth with all your heart. For consider what great things He has done for you. But if you shall still do wickedly, both you and your king, will be swept away.

Sign from God is rain and thunder?  Really?   You parted the fucking red sea, were a pillar of smoke and fire, now you…rain?


Saul reigned one year, and when he had reigned two more years over Israel, then Saul chose for himself three thousand from Israel. Two thousand of these were with Saul in Michmash and in mount Bethel, and a thousand were with Jonathan in Gibeah of Benjamin. And of the rest of the people he sent each man to his tent. And Jonathan struck the garrison of the Philistines in Geba, and the Philistines heard. And Saul blew the ram’s horn throughout all the land, saying, Let the Hebrews hear. And all Israel heard, saying, Saul has struck a garrison of the Philistines, and also Israel has made himself stink to the Philistines. And the people were called to Gilgal after Saul. And the Philistines gathered to fight with Israel, thirty thousand chariots, and six thousand horsemen, and people like the sand on the seashore in multitude. And they came up and pitched in Michmash, eastward from Beth-aven. And the men of Israel saw that they were in a tight place (for the people were distressed). And the people hid themselves in caves, and in thickets, and in rocks, and in high places, and in pits. And the Hebrews went over Jordan to the land of Gad and Gilead. And Saul was still in Gilgal, and all the people followed him, trembling.

Lots of people afraid.  Still no real action.

And he waited seven days, according to the set time with Samuel. But Samuel did not come to Gilgal. And the people were scattered from him. And Saul said, Bring a burnt offering here to me, and peace offerings. And he offered the burnt offering. And it happened as soon as he had made an end of offering the burnt offering, behold, Samuel came. And Saul went out to meet him and to kneel to him. And Samuel said, What have you done? And Saul said, Because I saw that the people were scattered from me, and you did not come in the days appointed, and the Philistines gathered themselves at Michmash, and I said, The Philistines will come down now on me to Gilgal, and I have not made supplication to the LORD. And I forced myself and offered a burnt offering. And Samuel said to Saul, You have done foolishly. You have not kept the commandment of the LORD your God, which He commanded you. For now the LORD would have established your kingdom on Israel forever. But now your kingdom shall not stand. The LORD has sought Him a man after His own heart, and the LORD has appointed him to be leader over His people, because you have not kept what the LORD commanded you.

Come again?  So sick of this petty god and petty chosen people.

And Samuel arose and went up from Gilgal to Gibeah of Benjamin. And Saul numbered the people present with him, about six hundred men. And Saul, and his son Jonathan, and the people present with them, stayed in Gibeah of Benjamin. But the Philistines camped in Michmash. And the spoilers came out of the camp of the Philistines in three companies. One company turned to the way to Ophrah, to the land of Shual. And another company turned the way to Beth-horon. And one company turned the way of the border that looks toward the valley of Zeboim toward the wilderness. And there was no smith found throughout all the land of Israel. For the Philistines said, Lest the Hebrews make swords or spears. But all the Israelites went down to the Philistines, each man to sharpen his plowshare, and his mattock, and his axe, and his coulter. And there was the charge of a pim for the plowshares, and for the mattocks, and for the three-pronged forks, and for the axes, and to sharpen the plowshares. And it happened in the day of battle there was neither sword nor spear found in the hand of any of the people with Saul and Jonathan. But with Saul and with his son Jonathan there was found sword and spear. And the garrison of the Philistines went out to the passage of Michmash.

Hmm, turning plowshares and axes into weapons.


And the day came that Jonathan the son of Saul said to the young man who bore his armor, Come and let us go over to the Philistines’ garrison which is on the other side. But he did not tell his father. And Saul stayed in the edge of Gibeah under the pomegranate tree in Migron. And the people who were with him were about six hundred men. And Ahiah, the son of Ahitub, Ichabod’s brother, the son of Phinehas, the son of Eli, the LORD’s priest in Shiloh, was wearing an ephod. And the people did not know that Jonathan was gone. And between the passages by which Jonathan sought to go over to the Philistines’ garrison there was a rocky crag on the one side and a rocky crag on the other side. And the name of the one was Bozez, and the name of the other Seneh. The one crag was a pillar on the north in front of Michmash, and the other southward in front of Gibeah. And Jonathan said to the young man who bore his armor, Come, and let us go over to the garrison of these uncircumcised ones. It may be that the LORD will work for us. For there is no restraint to the LORD, to save by many or by few. And his armor-bearer said to him, Do all that is in your heart. Turn, for behold, I am with you according to your heart. And Jonathan said, Behold, we will go over to these men, and we will show ourselves to them. If they say this to us, Stand still until we come to you, then we will stand still in our place and will not go up to them. But if they say this, Come up to us, then we will go up, for the LORD has delivered them up into our hand. And this shall be a sign to us. And both of them showed themselves to the garrison of the Philistines. And the Philistines said, Behold, the Hebrews come out of the holes where they have hidden themselves. And the men of the garrison answered Jonathan and his armor-bearer and said, Come up to us, and we will teach you a thing. And Jonathan said to his armor-bearer, Come up after me, for the LORD has delivered them into the hand of Israel. And Jonathan climbed up on his hands and feet, and his armor-bearer after him. And they fell before Jonathan, and his armor-bearer killed after him. And this was the first blow, when Jonathan and his armor-bearer struck about twenty men in about half of a furrow of an acre of a field. And there was trembling in the army, in the field, and among all the people. The garrison and the spoilers also trembled, and the earth quaked, and it was a very great trembling.

This is such clunky writing, I can barely understand what is going on here.

And the watchmen of Saul in Gibeah of Benjamin looked, and behold, the multitude had melted away and went on here and there. And Saul said to the people with him, Number now and see who is gone from us. And when they had counted, behold, Jonathan and his armor-bearer were not there. And Saul said to Ahiah, Bring the ark of God here. For the ark of God was at that time with the sons of Israel. And it happened, while Saul talked to the priest, the noise in the army of the Philistines went on and grew greater. And Saul said to the priest, Withdraw your hand. And Saul and all the people with him gathered, and they went to the battle. And, behold, every man’s sword was against his fellow, a very great panic. And the Hebrews that were with the Philistines before, who had gone up with them into the camp all around, even they also turned to be with the Israelites who were with Saul and Jonathan. And all the men of Israel who had hidden themselves in mount Ephraim heard that the Philistines had fled, even they also followed them in the battle. And the LORD saved Israel that day, and the battle passed over to Beth-aven.

Descriptions of ancient battles that didn’t actually happen are really, really, really boring.

And the men of Israel were distressed on that day. For Saul had commanded the people, saying, Cursed is the man that eats food until evening, so that I may be avenged on my enemies. So none of the people tasted any food. And all the men of the land came into a forest, and there was honey on the ground. And when the people had come into the woods, behold, a flow of honey! But no one put his hand to his mouth, for the people feared the oath. But Jonathan did not hear when his father made the people swear. And he put forth the end of the rod in his hand and dipped it in a honeycomb, and put his hand to his mouth. And his eyes were lightened. And one from the people answered and said, Your father strictly charged the people with an oath, saying, Cursed is the man who eats food this day. And the people were weary. Then Jonathan said, My father has troubled the land. Please see how my eyes have been lightened because I tasted a little of this honey. How much more if the people had happened to eat freely today of the spoil of their enemies which they found? For would not there have been a much greater slaughter among the Philistines? And they struck the Philistines that day from Michmash to Aijalon, and the people were very faint. And the people flew on the spoil, and took sheep and oxen and calves, and killed them on the ground. And the people ate with the blood. And they told Saul, saying, Behold, the people sin against the LORD in that they eat with the blood. And he said, You have transgressed. Roll a great stone to me today. And Saul said, Disperse yourselves among the people and say to them, Let each one bring his ox here, and each man his sheep, and kill them here, and eat. And do not sin against the LORD in eating with the blood. And each man of all the people brought his ox in his hand that night, and killed them there. And Saul built an altar to the LORD. The same was the first altar that he built to the LORD.

I see, the great sin against the LORD is eating meat rare and eating WHEN YOU ARE FUCKING HUNGRY.  Also, just some honey dripping randomly in the forest.  Really?  Why do people worship this silly thing?

And Saul said, Let us go down after the Philistines by night and spoil them until the morning light, and let us not leave a man of them. And they said, Do all that seems good to you. Then the priest said, Let us draw near here to God. And Saul asked counsel of God: Shall I go down after the Philistines? Will You deliver them into the hand of Israel? But He answered him not that day. And Saul said, Draw near here, all the chief of the people, and know and see what this sin has been today. For, as the LORD lives, He who saves Israel, though it is in Jonathan my son, he shall surely die. But there was not a man among all the people answered. Then he said to all Israel, You be on one side, and Jonathan my son and I will be on the other side. And the people said to Saul, Do what seems good to you. And Saul said to the LORD God of Israel, Give a perfect lot. And Saul and Jonathan were taken, but the people escaped. And Saul said, Cast lots between me and my son Jonathan. And Jonathan was taken. Then Saul said to Jonathan, Tell me what you have done. And Jonathan told him and said, I did but taste a little honey with the end of the rod in my hand. Behold me, I must die. And Saul answered, God do so and more also, for you shall surely die, Jonathan. And the people said to Saul, Shall Jonathan die, who has worked out this great salvation in Israel? Far be it! As the LORD lives, not one hair of his head shall fall to the ground, for he has worked with God this day. So the people rescued Jonathan, so that he did not die. Then Saul went up from following the Philistines. And the Philistines went to their own place.

What the fuck does this mean?

And Saul took the kingdom over Israel and fought against all his enemies on every side, with Moab, and with the sons of Ammon, and with Edom, and with the kings of Zobah, and with the Philistines. And wherever he turned himself, he troubled them. And he gathered an army and struck the Amalekites, and delivered Israel out of the hands of those who spoiled them. And the sons of Saul were Jonathan, and Ishui, and Melchishua. And the names of his two daughters: the first-born’s name was Merab, and the name of the younger, Michal. And the name of Saul’s wife was Ahinoam, the daughter of Ahimaaz. And the name of the commander of his army was Abner, the son of Ner, Saul’s uncle. And Kish was the father of Saul. And Ner the father of Abner was the son of Abiel. And the war was heavy against the Philistines all the days of Saul. And when Saul saw any strong man, or any brave man, he took him to himself.

War, war, war, more war?


And Samuel said to Saul, The LORD sent me to anoint you to be king over His people, over Israel. And now listen to the voice of the words of the LORD. So says the LORD of hosts, I will visit Amalek with what he did to Israel, how he set against him in the way when he came up from Egypt. Now go and strike Amalek, and completely destroy all that they have, and do not spare them. But kill both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. And Saul gathered the people together and numbered them in Telaim, two hundred thousand footmen and ten thousand men of Judah. And Saul came to a city of Amalek and lay in wait in the valley. And Saul said to the Kenites, Go! Depart! Get down from among the Amalekites, lest I destroy you with them. For you showed kindness to all the sons of Israel when they came up out of Egypt. So the Kenites departed from among the Amalekites. And Saul struck the Amalekites from Havilah, as you come to Shur, which is over across from Egypt. And he took Agag the king of the Amalekites alive. And he completely destroyed all the people with the edge of the sword. But Saul and the people spared Agag and the best of the sheep and of the oxen and of the fatlings and the lambs, and all that was good, and would not completely destroy them. But everything that was vile and feeble they completely destroyed.

Commanded to kill EVERYTHING again.  Men, women, children, infant (specifically) and everything they have.  Then, Saul spared Agag and some of the best sheep and oxen.  I am sure God will be pissed about this.

And the word of the LORD came to Samuel saying, It repents Me that I have set up Saul to be king. For he has turned back from following Me and has not done My commands. And it grieved Samuel, and he cried out to the LORD all night. And when Samuel rose up early in the morning to meet Saul, it was told to Samuel, saying, Saul came to Carmel, and behold, he set up a place for himself, and has gone around and passed on and gone down to Gilgal. And Samuel came to Saul. And Saul said to him, You are blessed of the LORD. I have done the command of the LORD. And Samuel said, What then is this bleating of the flock in my ears? And what is the sound of the herd which I hear? And Saul said, They have brought them from the Amalekites. For the people spared the best of the sheep and of the oxen to sacrifice to the LORD your God. And the rest we have completely destroyed. And Samuel said to Saul, Stop! And I will tell you what the LORD has said to me tonight. And he said to him, Speak. And Samuel said, When you were little in your own sight, did you not become the head of the tribes of Israel? And the LORD anointed you king over Israel. And the LORD sent you on the way and said, Go and completely destroy the sinners, Amalek, and fight against them until you destroy them. Why then did you not obey the voice of the LORD? Why did you fly on the spoil and do evil in the sight of the LORD? And Saul said to Samuel, Yes, I have obeyed the voice of the LORD, and have gone the way which the LORD sent me, and have brought Agag the king of Amalek, and have completely destroyed the Amalekites. But the people took from the spoil, of the flocks and herd, the best of the things devoted to sacrifice to the LORD your God in Gilgal. And Samuel said, Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as in obeying the voice of the LORD? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice! To listen is better than the fat of rams! For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idol-worship. Because you have rejected the word of the LORD, He has also rejected you from being king!

This trope…again.  God gets angry his chosen people don’t slaughter EVERYTHING.  How is this the base of morality?  If you don’t kill everything and everyone, you are as bad as witch or idol worshiper?

And Saul said to Samuel, I have sinned. For I have disobeyed the command of the LORD, and your word, because I feared the people and obeyed their voice. And now please pardon my sin and turn again with me so that I may worship the LORD. And Samuel said to Saul, I will not return with you, for you have rejected the word of the LORD, and the LORD has rejected you from being king over Israel. And Samuel turned around to go, and he laid hold on the skirt of his robe, and it tore. And Samuel said to him, The LORD has torn the kingdom of Israel from you this day, and has given it to a neighbor of yours who is better than you. And also the Glory of Israel will not lie nor repent, for He is not a man that He should repent. Then he said, I have sinned. Please honor me now before the elders of my people and before Israel, and turn again with me. And I shall worship the LORD your God. And Samuel turned again after Saul, and Saul worshiped the LORD.

I hate this book.  I really do.  So this is where Israel is split.  Because Saul won’t destroy everything.  He killed fucking infants, and that was not enough for this insane God.

And Samuel said, Bring here to me Agag the king of the Amalekites. And Agag came to him daintily. And Agag said, Surely the bitterness of death is past. And Samuel said, As your sword has made women childless, so shall your mother be childless among women. And Samuel cut Agag in pieces before the LORD in Gilgal. And Samuel went to Ramah. And Saul went up to his house to Gibeah of Saul. And Samuel never again saw Saul until the day of his death, for Samuel mourned for Saul. And the LORD repented that he had made Saul king over Israel.

Killed the Agag King of the Amalekites cut to pieces by Samuel.  This book is gross.


And the LORD said to Samuel, How long will you mourn for Saul, since I have rejected him from reigning over Israel? Fill your horn with oil and go. I will send you to Jesse of Bethlehem. For I have seen a king for Me among his sons. And Samuel said, How can I go? If Saul hears, he will kill me. And the LORD said, Take a heifer of the herd in your hand with you and say, I have come to sacrifice to the LORD. And call Jesse to the sacrifice, and I will show you what you shall do. And you shall anoint for Me whomever I name to you. And Samuel did what the LORD said, and came to Bethlehem. And the elders of the town trembled at his coming and said, Do you come peaceably? And he said, Peaceably. I have come to sacrifice to the LORD. Sanctify yourselves and come with me to the sacrifice. And he sanctified Jesse and his sons, and called them to the sacrifice.

More talking directly to god, who has to sneak Samuel in with a ruse?

And it happened as they came in, he saw Eliab and said, Surely the LORD’s anointed is before the LORD. But the LORD said to Samuel, Do not look on his face, nor on his height, because I have refused him. For He does not see as man sees. For man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart. And Jesse called Abinadab, and he passed him before Samuel, but he said, Also the LORD has not chosen this one. And Jesse passed Shammah by, but he said, Also the LORD has not chosen this one. And Jesse passed seven of his sons before Samuel, but Samuel said to Jesse, The LORD has not chosen these. And Samuel said to Jesse, Are all the young men here? And he said, There remains yet the youngest, and behold, he keeps the sheep. And Samuel said to Jesse, Send and bring him, for we will not sit down until he comes here. And he sent and brought him in. And he was ruddy, with beautiful eyes and good form. And the LORD said, Arise, anoint him. For this is he. And Samuel took the horn of oil and anointed him in the midst of his brothers. And the spirit of the LORD came on David from that day forward. And Samuel rose up and went to Ramah.

Anointing David is oil.  Man, that must of been a bitch to get out of your hair.

But the spirit of the LORD departed from Saul, and an evil spirit from the LORD terrified him. And Saul’s servants said to him, Behold now, an evil spirit from God terrifies you. Let our lord now command his servants before you to seek out a man who knows to play on a harp. And it shall be, when the evil spirit from God is on you, then he shall play with his hand, and it shall be well with you. And Saul said to his servants, Now look for me a man who can play well, and bring him to me. And one of the servants answered and said, Behold, I have seen a son of Jesse the Bethlehemite who is skillful in playing, and a mighty warrior and a man of battle, and prudent in speech. And he is a person of good form, and the LORD is with him. And Saul sent messengers to Jesse and said, Send me your son David, who is with the sheep. And Jesse took an ass loaded with bread and a skin of wine and a kid, and sent them by David his son to Saul. And David came to Saul and stood before him. And he loved him greatly, and he became his armor-bearer. And Saul sent to Jesse saying, Please let David stand before me, for he has found favor in my sight. And it happened when the spirit from God was on Saul, that David took a harp and played with his hand. And there was relief for Saul, and it was well with him, and the evil spirit departed from him.

So God is the source of Evil Spirits?  David becomes the armor bearer…who plays the harp.  Music drives away the evil spirit?


And the Philistines gathered their armies for battle, and gathered at Socoh of Judah, and pitched between Socoh and Azekah, in Ephes-dammim. And Saul and the men of Israel had gathered and pitched by the valley of Elah, and set the battle in order against the Philistines. And the Philistines stood on a mountain on the one side, and Israel stood on a mountain on the other side. And there was a valley between them. And a champion named Goliath came out of the Philistines camp; he was from Gath. His height was six cubits and a span. And a bronze helmet was on his head, and he was armed with scaled armor. And the weight of the coat was five thousand shekels of bronze. And greaves of bronze were on his legs, and a bronze javelin was between his shoulders. And the staff of his spear was like a weaver’s beam. And his spear’s head weighed six hundred shekels of iron. And the shield bearer went in front of him. And he stood and cried to the armies of Israel, and said to them, Why have you come out to set your battle in order? Am I not a Philistine, and are you not servants to Saul? Choose a man for you, and let him come down to me. If he is able to fight with me and kill me, then we will be your slaves. But if I prevail against him and kill him, then you shall be our slaves and serve us. And the Philistine said, I defy the armies of Israel this day. Give me a man, and we will fight together. And Saul and all Israel heard those words of the Philistine, and they were dismayed and greatly afraid.

Goliath is introduced.  Holy fuck that would be a  big dude.  About 9 feet, 4 inches tall.  No way this was a real person.  Tallest man alive was 8 feet, 11 inches and died young and weak.

And David was the son of an Ephrathite of Bethlehem-judah named Jesse. And to him were eight sons. And the man was old among men in the days of Saul. And the three oldest sons of Jesse went out, and followed Saul to the battle. And the names of his three sons that went to the battle were Eliab the first-born; and his second, Abinadab; and the third Shammah. And David was the youngest. And the three oldest followed Saul. And David went and returned from Saul to feed his father’s sheep at Bethlehem. And the Philistine drew near morning and evening, and presented himself forty days. And Jesse said to his son David, Please take for your brothers an ephah of this parched grain, and these ten loaves, and run to the camp to your brothers. And carry these ten cuttings of cheeses to the commander of their thousand, and see how your brothers are faring, and take their pledge. And Saul, and they, and all the men of Israel, were in the valley of Elah fighting with the Philistines. And David rose up early in the morning and left the sheep with a keeper, and got up and went as Jesse had commanded him. And he came to the barricade, and to the army which was going out to fight, and shouted for the battle. For Israel and the Philistines had put the battle in order, rank to rank. And David left his baggage in the hand of the keeper of the baggage and ran into the army, and came and greeted his brothers. And he was speaking with them. And, behold, the champion man, named Goliath, the Philistine of Gath, came up out of the ranks of the Philistines, and spoke according to these words. And David heard. And all the men of Israel, when they saw the man, they ran from him and were very much afraid. And the men of Israel said, Have you seen this man that has come up? Surely he has come up to defy Israel. And it shall be, the king will enrich the man who kills him with great riches, and will give him his daughter, and make his father’s house free in Israel. And David spoke to the men who stood by him, saying, What shall be done to the man who kills this Philistine and takes away this shame from Israel? For who is this uncircumcised Philistine that he should defy the armies of the living God? And the people answered him in this way, saying, So shall it be done to the man who kills him. And his oldest brother Eliab heard when he spoke to the men. And Eliab’s anger was kindled against David. And he said, Why have you come down? And with whom have you left those few sheep in the wilderness? I know your pride and the naughtiness of your heart. For you have come down to see the battle. And David said, What have I done now? Was it not only a word? And he turned from him toward another, and spoke according to this word. And the people answered him again in the same way.

Wait a fucking minute, wasn’t David anointed before…and already Saul’s armor bearer?  Can’t go two fucking paragraphs without a contradiction or continuity error.

And the words which David spoke were heard. And they were told before Saul. And he sent for him. And David said to Saul, Let no man’s heart fail because of him. Your servant will go and fight with this Philistine. And Saul said to David, You are not able to go against this Philistine to fight with him. For you are but a youth, and he is a man of war from his youth. And David said to Saul, Your servant kept his father’s sheep, and there came a lion and a bear, and took a lamb out of the flock. And I went out after it and struck it, and delivered the lamb out of its mouth. And when it rose against me, I caught it by the beard, and struck it and killed it. Your servant killed both the lion and the bear. And this uncircumcised Philistine shall be like one of them, since he has defied the armies of the living God. And David said, The LORD who has delivered me out of the paw of the lion and out of the paw of the bear, He will deliver me out of the hand of this Philistine. And Saul said to David, Go, and may the LORD be with you. And Saul armed David with his armor, and he put a helmet of bronze on his head. He also armed him with scaled armor. And David girded his sword on his armor, and he tried to go. But he had not tested it. And David said to Saul, I cannot go with these, for I have not tested them. And David put them off him.

Smack talk from David.  Killed a lion and a bear.  Then, Fuck It, we’ll do it live.

And he took his staff in his hand, and chose five smooth stones out of the brook for himself, and put them in a shepherd’s vessel which he had, even in a bag. And his sling was in his hand. And he drew near the Philistine. And the Philistine came on and drew near David. And the man who bore the shield was before him. And the Philistine looked and saw David, and disdained him. For he was only a youth, and ruddy, with a handsome appearance. And the Philistine said to David, Am I a dog that you come to me with sticks? And the Philistine cursed David by his gods. And the Philistine said to David, Come to me, and I will give your flesh to the birds of the air and to the beasts of the field. And David said to the Philistine, You come to me with a sword and with a spear and with a javelin. But I come to you in the name of Jehovah of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. Jehovah will deliver you into my hand today, and I will strike you and take your head from you and give the bodies of the army of the Philistines to the birds of the air today, and to the wild beasts of the earth, so that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel. And all this multitude shall know that Jehovah does not save with sword and spear; for the battle is Jehovah’s, and He will give you into our hands.

Smack talk back and forth.  The sling is a very deadly weapon, by the way.  Not much contest here.

And it happened when the Philistine rose and went and drew near to meet David, David hurried and ran toward the ranks to meet the Philistine. And David put his hand into his bag and took a stone from there, and slung it and struck the Philistine in his forehead, so that the stone sank into his forehead. And he fell on his face to the earth. And David was stronger than the Philistine with a sling and with a stone. And he struck the Philistine, and killed him. But no sword was in the hand of David. And David ran and stood on the Philistine, and took out his sword and drew it out of its sheath, and killed him, and cut off his head with it. And the Philistines saw that their champion was dead, and fled. And the men of Israel rose up and shouted, and Judah pursued the Philistines until you come to the valley, and to the gates of Ekron. And the wounded of the Philistines fell down by the way to Shaaraim, even to Gath and to Ekron. And the sons of Israel returned from chasing after the Philistines, and they spoiled their tents. And David took the head of the Philistine and brought it to Jerusalem. But he put his armor in his tent. And when Saul saw David go forth against the Philistine, he said to Abner, the captain of the army, Abner, whose son is this young man? And Abner said, As your soul lives, O king, I cannot tell. And the king said, You go ask whose son the young man is. And as David returned from the slaughter of the Philistine, Abner took him and brought him before Saul, with the head of the Philistine in his hand. And Saul said to him, Whose son are you, young man? And David answered, I am the son of your servant Jesse of Bethlehem.

What the fuck?  Is Saul suffering dementia?  David played music for you and you were  JUST FUCKING TALKING TO HIM, DIRECTLY, TWO PARAGRAPHS AGO???!!!


And it happened when he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was joined with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as he did his own soul. And Saul took him that day and would not let him go home to his father’s house any more. And Jonathan and David cut a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul. And Jonathan stripped off the robe was on him and gave it to David, and his apparel, even to his sword and to his bow and to his girdle. And David went out wherever Saul sent him, behaving himself wisely. And Saul set him over the men of war, and it was good in the sight of all the people, and also in the sight of Saul’s servants.

Apology to my gay friends, but this is the gayest thing I have read so far in the Bible.  “joined with the soul of David’  sounds A LOT like love between two men.

And it happened as they came in, as David returned from striking the Philistine, the women came out of all cities of Israel, singing and dancing, to meet king Saul with tabrets, with joy, and with instruments of music. And the women answered as they played, and said, Saul has slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands. And Saul was very angry, and this thing was evil in his eyes. And he said, They have given David ten thousands, and to me they have given only thousands. And what more can he have but the kingdom? And Saul eyed David from that day and forward. And it happened on the next day the evil spirit from God came on Saul, and he prophesied in the midst of the house. And David played with his hand, as at other times. And a spear was in Saul’s hand. And Saul threw the spear. For he said, I will strike David even to the wall. And David drew back out of his presence twice.

Back to the music playing David but it is not working this time.  Again, with the evil spirits from God.

And Saul was afraid of David, because the LORD was with him and had departed from Saul. And Saul moved him away from himself, and made him his commander over a thousand. And he went out and came in before the people. And David behaved himself wisely in all his ways. And the LORD was with him. And when Saul saw that he behaved himself very wisely, he was afraid of him. But all Israel and Judah loved David, because he went out and came in before them. And Saul said to David, Behold I will give you my older daughter Merab for a wife. Only you be a brave son for me and fight the LORD’s battles. For Saul said, Let not my hand be on him, but let the hand of the Philistines be on him. And David said to Saul, Who am I, and what is my life, or my father’s family in Israel, that I should be son-in-law to the king? And it happened at the time when Merab, Saul’s daughter should have been given to David, she was given to Adriel the Meholathite to be his wife. And Saul’s daughter Michal loved David. And they told Saul, and the thing pleased him. And Saul said, I will give her to him, so that she may be a trap to him, and so that the hand of the Philistines may be against him. And Saul said to David a second time, Today you shall be my son-in-law. And Saul commanded his servants, Talk with David secretly and say, Behold, the king delights in you, and all his servants love you. And now be the king’s son-in-law. And Saul’s servants spoke these words in the ears of David. And David said, Is it a light thing to be a king’s son-in-law, since I am a poor man and of little worth? And the servants of Saul told him saying, This is the way David spoke. And Saul said, You shall say this to David, The king does not desire any dowry except a hundred foreskins of the Philistines, to be avenged of the king’s enemies. But Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines. And when his servants told David these words, it was right in the eyes of David to be the king’s son-in-law. And the days were not fulfilled. And David arose and went forth, he and his men. And they killed two hundred men of the Philistines. And David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full number to the king so that he might be the king’s son-in-law. And Saul gave him his daughter Michal for a wife. And Saul saw and knew that the LORD was with David, and that Michal, Saul’s daughter, loved him. And Saul was still more afraid of David. And Saul became David’s enemy continually. And the rulers of the Philistines came out. And it happened as often as they came out, David acted more wisely than all the servants of Saul, so that his name was very precious.

This is just another bizarre passage.  To get married he kills 200 men, then cuts their foreskins off and David give a bag of dick skin to Saul and he get Michal as a wife.  The fuck.


And Saul said to his son Jonathan, and to all his servants, to kill David. But Jonathan, Saul’s son, loved David very much. And Jonathan told David, saying, My father Saul seeks to kill you. And now please be careful until morning, and stay in a secret place, and hide yourself. And I will go out and stand beside my father in the field where you are, and I will talk about you with my father. And I will tell you what I see. And Jonathan spoke good of David to Saul his father, and said to him, Do not let the king sin against his servant, against David, because he has not sinned against you, and because his works are very good toward you. For he took his life in his hand and killed the Philistine, and the LORD worked out a great salvation for all Israel. You saw and rejoiced! Why then will you sin against innocent blood, to kill David without a cause? And Saul listened to the voice of Jonathan. And Saul swore, As the LORD lives, he shall not die. And Jonathan called David, and Jonathan showed him all those things. And Jonathan brought David to Saul, and he was in his presence as in times past.

David’s lover, Johnathan, convinces his dad, Saul, that he is a good buy and Saul comes to his senses, for now.

And there was war again. And David went out and fought with the Philistines, and killed them with a great slaughter. And they fled from him. And the evil spirit from the LORD was on Saul as he sat in his house with his spear in his hand. And David played with his hand. And Saul thought to strike David even to the wall with the spear. But he burst forth from Saul’s presence, and he struck the spear into the wall. And David fled and escaped that night.

Again.  Fuck, I am so sick of the repetition.  Second time with this passage, possibly, 3 or fourth time with the evil spirit with Saul.

Saul also sent messengers to David’s house to watch him and to kill him in the morning. And David’s wife Michal told him saying, If you do not save your life tonight, tomorrow you shall be killed. And Michal let David down through a window. And he left and hurried away, and escaped. And Michal took an image and laid it in the bed, and put a pillow of goats’ hair at its head, and covered it with a cloth. And when Saul sent messengers to take David, she said, He is sick. And Saul sent the messengers to see David, saying, Bring him up to me in the bed so that I may kill him. And the messengers came in, and behold, the image was in the bed with a pillow of goats’ hair at its head. And Saul said to Michal, Why have you deceived me so, and sent away my enemy so that he has escaped? And Michal answered Saul, He said to me, Let me go; why should I kill you?

So silly.  Stuffed pillow in the bed trick.  With goat hair? Really?

And David fled, and escaped, and came to Samuel, to Ramah, and told him all that Saul had done to him. And he and Samuel went and lived in Naioth. And it was told to Saul, saying, Behold, David is at Naioth in Ramah. And Saul sent messengers to take David. And when they saw the company of the prophets prophesying, and Samuel standing as appointed over them, the Spirit of God came on the messengers of Saul, and they also prophesied. And they told Saul, and he sent other messengers, and they also prophesied. And Saul sent messengers the third time, and they prophesied also. And he also went to Ramah, and came to a great well in Sechu. And he asked and said, Where are Samuel and David? And one said, Behold, at Naioth in Ramah. And he went there to Naioth in Ramah. And the Spirit of God was on him also, and going on he went and prophesied, until he came to Naioth in Ramah. And he stripped off his clothes also, and prophesied before Samuel, even he. And he lay down disrobed all that day and all that night. Because of this they say, Is Saul also among the prophets?

Saul naked all night…why?


And David fled from Naioth in Ramah, and came and said before Jonathan, What have I done? What is my iniquity, and what my sin before your father, that he seeks my life? And he said to him, Far be it. You shall not die! Behold, my father will do nothing either great or small that he will not show to me. And why should my father hide this thing from me? It is not so. And David swore again and said, Your father certainly knows that I have found grace in your eyes. And he said, Do not let Jonathan know this, lest he be full of sorrow. But truly as the LORD lives, and as your soul lives, only a step is between me and death. And Jonathan said to David, Whatever your soul desires, I will even do for you. And David said to Jonathan, Behold, tomorrow is the new moon, and I should not fail to sit at table with the king. But let me go so that I may hide myself in the field until the third day at evening. If your father misses me at all, then say, David earnestly asked me that he might run to his city Bethlehem. For there is a yearly sacrifice there for all the family. If he says so, It is well, peace will be to your servant, but if he is very angry, be sure that evil is determined by him. And you shall deal kindly with your servant, for you have brought your servant into a covenant of the LORD with you. But if there is any iniquity in me, kill me yourself. For why should you bring me to your father?

Waiting for a yearly sacrifice…to kill Saul?  More gay lover protecting David.

And Jonathan said, Far be it from you. For if I knew certainly that evil was determined by my father to come on you, then would I not tell you? Then David said to Jonathan, Who shall tell me? Or what if your father answers you roughly? And Jonathan said to David, Come, and let us go into the field. And both of them went out into the field. And Jonathan said to David, By the LORD, the God of Israel, when I search my father about this time tomorrow or the third day, behold, if there is good toward David, then shall I not send to you and reveal it in your ear? So may the LORD do to Jonathan and more if it seem good my father to do you evil, then I will reveal it in your ear and send you away, and you may go in peace. And may the LORD be with you, as He was with my father. And you shall not only show me the kindness of the LORD while I still live, so that I do not die, but you shall not cut off your kindness from my house forever, no, not when the LORD has cut off the enemies of David, every one, from the face of the earth. So Jonathan covenanted with the house of David, saying, Let the LORD even require it at the hand of David’s enemies. And Jonathan caused David to swear again, because he loved him. For he loved him as he loved his own soul. And Jonathan said to David, Tomorrow is the new moon. And you shall be missed, because your seat will he empty. And on the third day you shall quickly come down and shall come there to the place where you were hidden in the day of the deed. And you shall remain near the stone Ezel. And I will shoot three arrows on the side, as though I shot at a mark. And behold, I will send a lad, saying, Go find the arrows. If I carefully say to the lad, Behold, the arrows are on this side of you, take them, then you may come, for there is peace to you, and no hurt, as the LORD lives. But if I say this to the young man, Behold, the arrows are beyond you, go your way, for the LORD has sent you away. And as to the matter which you and I have spoken of, behold, may the LORD be between you and me forever.

Fuck, move it along….5 paragraphs now of nothing happening.

And David hid himself in the field. And when the new moon had come, the king sat down by the food to eat. And the king sat on his seat as at other times, on a seat by the wall. And Jonathan arose, and Abner sat by Saul’s side, and David’s place was empty. And Saul did not speak anything that day. For he thought, Something has happened to him; he is not clean. Surely he is not clean. And it happened on the next day, the second of the month, David’s place was empty. And Saul said to his son Jonathan, Why does the son of Jesse not come to the meal, neither yesterday nor today? And Jonathan answered Saul, David earnestly asked of me to go to Bethlehem, and he said, Please send me away, for we have a family sacrifice in the city. And my brother commanded me to be there. And now, if I have found favor in your eyes, I pray you let me get away and see my brothers. And he does not come to the king’s table. And Saul’s anger was kindled against Jonathan, and he said to him, You son of a perverse, rebellious woman, do I not know that you have chosen the son of Jesse to your own confusion, and to the shame of your mother’s nakedness? For as long as the son of Jesse lives on the earth, you shall not be established, nor your kingdom. And now send and bring him to me, for he shall surely die. And Jonathan answered Saul his father and said to him, Why shall he be killed? What has he done? And Saul threw a spear at him to strike him, and by this Jonathan knew that his father was determined to kill David. And Jonathan rose from the table in fierce anger, and did not eat food on the second day of the new moon. For he was grieved for David, because his father had put him to shame.

Pointless, so fucking pointless.

And it happened, in the morning Jonathan went out into the field at the time appointed with David. And a little lad was with him. And he said to this lad, Run now, find the arrows which I shoot. As the lad ran, he shot an arrow, causing it to pass over him. And when the lad had come to the place of the arrow which Jonathan had shot, Jonathan cried after the lad and said, Is not the arrow beyond you? And Jonathan cried after the lad, Hurry, make haste, do not stand. And Jonathan’s lad gathered the arrow and came to his master. But the lad did not know anything. Only Jonathan and David knew the matter. And Jonathan gave his weapons to his lad and said to him, Go, bring to the city. As soon as the lad had gone, David rose from the south, and fell on his face to the ground, and bowed himself three times. And they kissed one another, and wept with one another, until David exceeded. And Jonathan said to David, Go in peace because we have both sworn in the name of the LORD, saying, The Lord shall be between me and you, and between my seed and your seed, forever. And he rose and went away. And Jonathan went into the city.

Still sounds so gay.


And David came to Nob, to Ahimelech the priest. And Ahimelech was afraid at the meeting of David, and said to him, Why are you alone, and no man with you? And David said to Ahimelech the priest, The king has commanded me a business and has said to me, Let no man know anything of the business about which I send you, and what I have sent you. And I have sent servants to such and such a place. And therefore, what is under your hand? Give five loaves of bread in my hand, or what there is to be found. And the priest answered David and said, There is no common bread under my hand, but there is holy bread if the young men have kept themselves at least from women. And David answered the priest and said to him, Truly women have been kept from us for about three days, since I came out, and the vessels of the young men are holy, and in a way the holy bread is common. Also surely today it is sanctified in the vessels. And the priest gave him holy bread. For there was no bread there but the Bread of the Presence that was taken from before the LORD, in order to put hot bread in on the day when it was taken away. And a man from the servants of Saul was there that day, held before the LORD. And his name was Doeg, an Edomite, the chief of Saul’s herdsmen. And David said to Ahimelech, And is there not here under your hand spear or sword? For I have not brought my sword nor my weapons with me, because the king’s business needed haste. And the priest said, The sword of Goliath the Philistine, whom you killed in the valley of Elah, behold, it is wrapped in a cloth under the ephod, if you will take, take it for yourself, for there is no other here except that one. And David said, There is none like that. Give it to me.

So much talk about…bread.  Fucking bread.

And David arose and fled that day for fear of Saul, and went to Achish the king of Gath. And the servants of Achish said to him, Is not this David the king of the land? Did they not sing to one another of him in dances, saying, Saul has slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands? And David laid up these words in his heart, and was very much afraid of Achish the king of Gath. And he changed his behavior before them, and pretended himself to be mad in their hands, and marked on the doors of the gate and let his spittle fall down on his beard. Then Achish said to his servants, Lo, you see the man is mad. Why have you brought him to me? Do I have need of mad men, that you have brought this one to show madness in my presence? Shall this one come into my house?

Coup?  Since Saul is insane?


And David left there and escaped to the cave Adullam. And his brothers and all his father’s house heard, and went down to him there. And every man in distress, and every man who had a creditor, and every man bitter of soul, gathered themselves to him. And he became commander over them. And about four hundred men were with him. And David went from there to Mizpeh of Moab. And he said to the king of Moab, Please let my father and my mother come forth and be with you until I know what God will do for me. And he brought them before the king of Moab. And they lived with him all the time that David was in the stronghold. And the prophet Gad said to David, Do not stay in the stronghold. Leave and go into the land of Judah. And David left and came into the forest of Hareth.

Fuck…move it along.  David in a cave now.

And Saul heard that David and the men with him had been discovered. And Saul was staying in Gibeah under the tamarisk tree in Ramah, having his spear in his hand. And all his servants were standing about him. And Saul said to his servants standing by him, Now hear, Benjamites, will the son of Jesse give to any of you fields and vineyards, and make you all commanders of thousands and commanders of hundreds? But all of you have conspired against me, and none of you was revealing in my ear when my son cut a covenant with the son of Jesse? And not one of you is sorry for me, even to reveal in my ear that my son has stirred up my servant against me, to lie in wait, as today. And answered Doeg the Edomite, who was set over the servants of Saul, and said, I saw the son of Jesse coming to Nob, to Ahimelech the son of Ahitub. And he asked of the LORD for him and gave him food and gave him the sword of Goliath the Philistine. And the king sent to call Ahimelech the priest, the son of Ahitub, and all his father’s house, the priests in Nob. And they came, all of them, to the king. And Saul said, Hear now, you son of Ahitub. And he answered, Here I am, my lord. And Saul said to him, Why have you conspired against me, you and the son of Jesse, in that you have given him bread and a sword, and have asked of God for him, that he should rise against me to lie in wait, as at this day? And Ahimelech answered the king and said, And who is so faithful among all your servants as David, who is the king’s son-in-law, and who goes at your bidding, and who is honorable in your house? Have I today begun to ask of God for him? Be it far from me. Do not let the king charge a thing to his servant, nor to all the house of my father. For your servant knew nothing of all this, more or less. And the king said, Ahimelech, you shall surely die, you and all your father’s house. And the king said to the guard that stood around him, Turn and kill the priests of the LORD, because their hand also is with David, and because they knew when he fled, and did not reveal it to me. But the servants of the king would not put forth their hand to fall on the priests of the LORD. And the king said to Doeg, You turn and fall on the priests. And Doeg the Edomite turned and fell on the priests. And on that day he killed eighty-five persons who wore a linen ephod. And he struck Nob, the city of the priests, with the edge of the sword, both men and women, children and babes, and oxen, and asses, and sheep, with the edge of the sword.

More recap.  More baby killers.

And one of the sons of Ahimelech the son of Ahitub, named Abiathar, escaped and fled after David. And Abiathar told David that Saul had slain the LORD’s priests. And David said to Abiathar, I knew that day, when Doeg the Edomite was there, that he would surely tell Saul. I have caused the death of all the persons of your father’s house. Stay with me, and do not fear. For he who seeks my life seeks your life. But you shall be in safekeeping with me.

Same old…


And they told David, saying, Behold, the Philistines fight against Keilah, and they rob the threshing-floors. And David asked of the LORD, saying, Shall I go? And shall I strike these Philistines? And the LORD said to David, Go and strike the Philistines, and save Keilah. And David’s men said to him, Behold, we are afraid here in Judah. How much more then if we come to Keilah against the armies of the Philistines? And David inquired of the LORD once again. And the LORD answered him and said, Arise, go down to Keilah. For I will deliver the Philistines into your hand. And David and his men went to Keilah and fought with the Philistines. And they led away their cattle and struck them with a great slaughter. And David saved the people of Keilah. And it happened when Abiathar the son of Ahimelech fled to David to Keilah, he came down with an ephod in his hand.

How many times are they going to battle the Philistines?

And it was told Saul that David had come to Keilah. And Saul said, God has delivered him into my hands, for he is shut in by entering into a town that has gates and bars. And Saul called all the people together to war, to go down to Keilah to besiege David and his men. And David knew that Saul secretly planned evil against him. And he said to Abiathar the priest, Bring the ephod here. And David said, O Lord God of Israel, Your servant has surely heard that Saul seeks to come to Keilah, to destroy the city for my sake. Will the men of Keilah deliver me up into his hand? Will Saul come down as Your servant has heard? O LORD God of Israel, I beg of You, tell Your servant. And the LORD said, He will come down. And David said, Will the men of Keilah shut up me and my men into the hand of Saul? And the LORD said, They will shut you up. And David and his men, about six hundred, arose and departed out of Keilah and went wherever they could go. And it was told to Saul that David had escaped from Keilah. And he did not go forth.

When the going gets tough, run away.

And David stayed in the wilderness in strongholds, and remained in the stronghold in the wilderness of Ziph. And Saul looked for him every day, but God did not deliver him into his hand. And David saw that Saul had come out to seek his life. And David was in the wilderness of Ziph in a woods. And Jonathan, Saul’s son, arose and went to David into the woods, and strengthened his hand in God. And he said to him, Do not fear, for the hand of Saul my father shall not find you. And you shall be king over Israel, and I shall be next to you. And my father Saul knows that also. And the two of them cut a covenant before the LORD. And David stayed in the forest, and Jonathan went to his house.

Most boring hide and seek, ever.  You are fucking God.  You can do whatever you want…fuck.

And the men of Ziph came up to Saul, to Gibeah, saying, Does not David hide himself with us in strongholds in the forest, in the hill of Hachilah, which is on the south of the wilderness? And now, O king, come down according to all the desire of your soul. Come down, and it is for us to shut him up into the king’s hand. And Saul said, Blessed are you from the LORD, for you have pity on me. Please go, make more sure, and know and see the place where his foot is. Who has seen him there? For I am told that he is very subtle. And see and know of all the hiding places where he hides himself there, and return to me prepared. And I will go with you. And it shall be, if he is in the land, I will search him out throughout all the thousands of Judah. And they arose and went to Ziph before Saul. But David and his men were in the wilderness of Maon, in the plain, on the south of the desert. Saul and his men also went to look for him. And they told David. And he came down from the rock and stayed in the wilderness of Maon. And when Saul heard, he followed after David in the wilderness of Maon. And Saul went on this side of the mountain, and David and his men on that side of the mountain. And David hurried to get away before Saul. For Saul and his men were encircling David and his men, to take them. And a messenger came to Saul, saying, Hurry and come! For the Philistines have invaded the land. And Saul returned from pursuing David, and went against the Philistines. Therefore they called that place, The Rock of the Division. And David went up from there and stayed in strongholds at Engedi.

This book is, impossibly, getting dumber and more boring.  More hide and seek.


And it happened when Saul had returned from following the Philistines, they told him, saying, Behold, David is in the wilderness of Engedi. And Saul took three thousand chosen men out of all Israel, and went to seek David and his men on the front of the rocks of the wild goats. And he came to the folds of the flock on the way, where there was a cave. And Saul went in to cover his feet. And David and his men remained in the sides of the cave. And the men of David said to him, Behold, this is the day of which the LORD said to you, Behold, I will deliver your enemy into your hand so that you may do to him as it shall seem good to you. And David arose and cut off the skirt of Saul’s robe secretly. And it happened afterward David’s heart struck him because he had cut off Saul’s skirt. And he said to his men, Far be it from me, by the LORD, if I will do this thing to my lord, the LORD’s anointed, to stretch forth my hand against him, since he is the anointed of the LORD. And David held back his men with words, and did not allow them to rise against Saul. And Saul rose up out of the cave and went on his way. And David arose afterward and went out of the cave, and cried after Saul, saying, My lord the king! And Saul looked behind him. And David bowed his face to the earth and prostrated himself.

Final confrontation, I hope….

And David said to Saul, Why do you hear man’s words, saying, Behold, David seeks to do you evil? Behold, your eyes have seen today how the LORD had delivered you today into my hand in the cave. And one said to kill you. But I had pity on you. And I said, I will not put forth my hand against my lord, for he is the LORD’s anointed. And, my father, behold! Yes, see the skirt of your robe in my hand. For in that I cut off the skirt of your robe and did not kill you, know and see that there is neither evil nor transgression in my hand, and I have not sinned against you. Yet you hunt my soul to take it. May the LORD judge between me and you, and may the LORD avenge me of you. But my hand shall not be on you. As the ancient proverb says, Wickedness proceeds from the wicked. But my hand shall not be on you. After whom has the king of Israel come out? After whom do you pursue? After a dead dog? After a flea? May the LORD therefore be judge, and judge between you and me, and see, and plead my cause, and deliver me out of your hand.

Blah blah blah.

And it happened when David had made an end of speaking these words to Saul, Saul said, Is this your voice, my son David? And Saul lifted up his voice and wept. And he said to David, You are more righteous than I, for you have rewarded me with good, but I have rewarded you evil. And you have shown this day how you have dealt well with me, because when the LORD shut me up into your hand, you did not kill me. For if a man finds his enemy, will he let him go completely away? And may the LORD reward good for what you have done to me this day. And now, behold, I know well that you shall surely be king, and that the kingdom of Israel shall he established in your hand. And swear therefore to me before the LORD that you will not cut off my seed after me, and that you will not destroy my name out of my father’s house. And David swore to Saul. And Saul went home, but David and his men went up into the hold.

A resolution without terrible bloodshed.  How unusual for the Bible.


And Samuel died. And all the Israelites were gathered, and lamented him and buried him in his house at Ramah. And David arose and went down to the wilderness of Paran.

Samuel is dead.  Why is there a whole other book named after him?

And a certain man was in Maon, and his work was in Carmel. And the man was very great, and had three thousand sheep and a thousand goats. And he was shearing his sheep in Carmel. And the man’s name was Nabal, and his wife’s name was Abigail. And she was a woman of good understanding, and of a beautiful form. But the man was cruel and evil in his dealings. And he was of Caleb. And David heard in the wilderness that Nabal was shearing his sheep. And David sent out ten young men. And David said to the young men, Go up to Carmel and go to Nabal, and greet him in my name. And you shall say this, Long life and peace be to you, and peace to your house, and peace to all that you have. And now I have heard that you have shearers. And we did not hurt your shepherds who were with us; neither was there anything missing to them all the while they were in Carmel. Ask your young men, and they will tell you. And let the young men find favor in your eyes, for we come in a good day. Please give whatever comes to your hand to your servants and to your son David. And David’s young men came, they spoke to Nabal according to all these words in the name of David, and stopped. And Nabal answered David’s servants and said, Who is David? And who is the son of Jesse? The servants who have broken away, each man from his master, have multiplied. Shall I then take my bread and my water and my meat that I have killed for my shearers, and give it to men about whom I know not where they come from?

Purpose of introducing this character?  Don’t know yet.

And David’s young men turned their way and went again, and came and told him all those things. And David said to his men, Let each man gird on his sword. And they each one girded on his sword, and David also girded on his sword. And about four hundred men went up after David, and two hundred stayed by the stuff. And one of the young men told Abigail, Nabal’s wife, saying, Behold! David sent messengers out of the wilderness to greet our master, and he screamed at them. But the men were very good to us, and we were not hurt, neither did we miss anything as long as we were going to and fro among them, when we were in the fields. They were a wall to us both by night and day all the while we were with them keeping the sheep. And now know and consider what you will do, for evil is determined against our master and against all his household. For he is a son of worthlessness, so that none can speak to him.


And Abigail made haste and took two hundred loaves, and two skins of wine, and five sheep ready dressed, and five measures of roasted grain, and a hundred clusters of raisins, and laid them on asses. And she said to her servants, Go on before me. Behold, I am coming after you. But she did not tell her husband Nabal. And it happened, she was riding on the ass and coming down under cover of the mountain. And behold, David and his men came down across from her. And she met them. And David had said, Surely in vain I have kept all that belongs to this fellow in the wilderness, so that nothing was missed of all that was his. And he has requited me evil for good. So and more also may God do to the enemies of David, if I leave to the light of the morning any that is his of one who urinates against the wall. And Abigail saw David and hurried and dismounted from the ass, and fell before David on her face, and bowed herself to the ground. And she fell at his feet and said, On me, my lord, on me let this iniquity be. And please let your handmaid speak in your ears, and hear the words of your handmaid. Please do not let my lord regard this man of worthlessness, Nabal. For as his name is, so he is. Nabal is his name, and foolishness is with him. And I, your handmaid, did not see the young men of my lord, whom you sent. And now, my lord, as the LORD lives and as your soul lives, since the LORD has withheld you from coming to shed blood, and from avenging yourself with your own hand, now let your enemies, and those that seek to do evil to my lord, be as Nabal. And now this blessing which your handmaid has brought to my lord, let it even be given to the young men who follow my lord. Please forgive the trespass of your handmaid. For the LORD will certainly make a sure house for my lord, because my lord fights the battles of the LORD, and evil has not been found in you all your days. Yet a man has risen to pursue you and to seek your soul. But the soul of my lord shall be bound in the bundle of life with the LORD your God. And the souls of your enemies, He shall sling them from the hollow of a sling. And it shall be, when the LORD has done to my lord according to all the good that He has spoken concerning you, and commanded you to be ruler over Israel, this shall be no stumbling to you, nor offence of heart to my lord, either that you have shed blood for nothing, or that my lord has delivered himself. And may the LORD deal well with my lord, and you remember your handmaid.

So many words…saying nothing.

And David said to Abigail, Blessed be the LORD God of Israel, who sent you today to meet me. And blessed is your advice, and blessed are you who have kept me from coming to shed blood today, and from delivering myself with my own hand. And truly, as the LORD God of Israel lives, who has kept me back from doing evil to you, for unless you had hurried and come to meet me, surely there would not have been left to Nabal by the morning light one who urinates against the wall. And David received from her hand that which she had brought him, and said to her, Go up in peace to your house. See, I have listened to your voice and have accepted your person.

Kill everyone who can piss standing?  And a bribe not to get murdered?

And Abigail came to Nabal. And behold, he held a feast in his house like the feast of a king. And Nabal’s heart was merry within him, for he was very drunk. And she did not tell him anything, more or less, until the morning light. And it happened in the morning, when the wine had gone out of Nabal and his wife had told him these things, his heart died within him and he became like a stone. And it happened about ten days afterward the LORD struck Nabal so that he died. And David heard that Nabal had died, and he said, Blessed is the LORD who has pleaded the cause of my reproach from the hand of Nabal, and has kept His servant from evil. For the LORD has returned the wickedness of Nabal on his own head. And David sent and spoke with Abigail, to take her to him for a wife. And David’s servants came to Abigail at Carmel, and spoke to her, saying, David sent us to you to take you to him for a wife. And she arose and bowed herself on her face to the earth, and said, Behold, let your handmaid be a servant to wash the feet of the servants of my lord. And Abigail hurried and arose, and rode on an ass, with five of her maidens who went after her. And she followed the messengers of David and became his wife. David also took Ahinoam of Jezreel. And they became, both of them, his wives. And Saul gave his daughter Michal, David’s wife, to Phalti the son of Laish, who was of Gallim.

I feel so bad for these women who are nothing more than wedding chattel.  Tossed back and forth.


And the Ziphites came to Saul at Gibeah, saying, Is not David hiding himself in the hill of Hachilah, on the edge of the desert? And Saul arose and went down to the wilderness of Ziph to seek David in the wilderness of Ziph, having three thousand chosen men of Israel with him. And Saul pitched in the hill of Hachilah, which is on the edge of the desert, by the highway. And David was staying in the wilderness. And he saw that Saul came after him into the wilderness. And David sent out spies and knew that Saul had come indeed. And David arose and came to the place where Saul had pitched. And David saw the place where Saul lay. And Abner the son of Ner, the captain of his army, and Saul were lying within the barricade. And the people pitched all around him.

I thought this was resolved?

And David answered and said to Ahimelech the Hittite, and to Abishai the son of Zeruiah, the brother of Joab, saying, Who will go down with me to the camp to Saul? And Abishai said, I will go down with you. So David and Abishai came to the people by night. And behold, Saul lay sleeping in the tent, and his spear stuck in the ground at his head. But Abner and the people lay around him. And Abishai said to David, God has shut up your enemy into your hand this day. And please let me strike him with the spear even to the earth at once, and I will not repeat it to him. And David said to Abishai, Do not destroy him. For who can stretch forth his hand against the LORD’s anointed and be guiltless? And David said, As the LORD lives, except the LORD strike him, or his day shall come, and he dies, or he goes down to battle and is consumed, far be it from me by the LORD, from putting forth my hand against the LORD’s anointed. And now, please take the spear at his head and the cruse of water, and we will go. And David took the spear and the cruse of water from Saul’s head. And they went away, and no one saw, and no one knew; and no one was awake; for all of them were sleeping, because a deep sleep from the LORD had fallen on them.

What the fuck does ‘the cruse of water from Saul’s head’ mean?  I don’t get what this all means.

And David went over to the other side and stood on the top of a hill afar off, a great space between them. And David cried to the people and to Abner the son of Ner, saying, Do you not answer, Abner? And Abner answered and said, Who are you that cries to the king? And David said to Abner, Are you not a man? And who is like you in Israel? But why have you not watched over your lord the king? For one of the people came in to destroy your lord the king. This thing that you have done is not good. As the LORD lives, because you have not watched over your master, the LORD’s anointed, you also are worthy to die. And now see where the king’s spear is, and the cruse of water that was at his head. And Saul knew David’s voice and said, Is this your voice, my son David? And David said, It is my voice, my lord, O king. And he said, Why does my lord pursue after his servant this way? For what have I done? Or what evil is in my hand? And now, please let my lord the king hear the words of his servant. If the LORD has stirred you up against me, let Him accept an offering. But if it is the sons of men, they are cursed before the LORD. For they have driven me out today from joining myself with the inheritance of the LORD, saying, Go, serve other gods. And now, let not my blood fall to the earth before the face of the LORD. For the king of Israel has come out to seek a flea, as when one hunts a partridge in the mountains.

Fuck, back to where we were chapters ago.  This shit is so pointless.

And Saul said, I have sinned. Return, my son David, for I will never do you harm any more, because my life was precious in your eyes this day. Behold, I have acted foolishly, and have greatly erred. And David answered and said, Behold the king’s spear! And let one of the young men come over and get it. May the LORD give to each his righteousness and his faithfulness. For the LORD delivered you into my hand today, but I would not stretch forth my hand against the LORD’s anointed. And behold, as your life was precious in my eyes this day, so let my life be precious in the eyes of the LORD, and let Him deliver me out of all tribulation. And Saul said to David, Blessed are you, my son David. You shall both do great things and also shall still prevail. So David went on his way, and Saul returned to his place.

I won’t believe this will be over until Saul is dead.


And David said in his heart, I shall now perish one day by the hand of Saul. Nothing is better for me than that I should speedily escape into the land of the Philistines. And Saul shall despair of me, to seek me any more in any border of Israel, and so I shall escape out of his hand. And David arose and passed over, he and the six hundred men with him to Achish the son of Maoch, king of Gath. And David lived with Achish of Gath, he and his men, each one with his household; David with his two wives, Ahinoam of Jezreel, and Abigail of Carmel, Nabal’s former wife. And Saul was told that David had fled to Gath. And he never again looked for him. And David said to Achish, If I have now found grace in your eyes, let them give me a place in some town in the country so that I may live there. For why should your servant live in the royal city with you? And Achish gave him Ziklag that day. And Ziklag belongs to the kings of Judah to this day. And the number of days that David lived in the field of the Philistines was a year of days and four months.

Wow, that is a long time to hide.

And David and his men went up and invaded the Geshurites, and the Gezrites, and the Amalekites. For they were the inhabitants of the land from the past days, as you come into Shur, even into the land of Egypt. And David struck the land, and did not keep alive man nor woman alive, and took away the sheep and the oxen and the asses and the camels and the clothing, and returned and came to Achish. And Achish said, Where have you made a raid today? And David said, Against the south of Judah, and against the south of the Jerahmeelites, and against the south of the Kenites. And David did not keep alive man or woman to bring news to Gath, saying, Lest they should tell on us, saying, So David did, and so has been his custom all the days he lived in the fields of the Philistines. And Achish believed David, saying, He has made himself to be hated among his people Israel, and has become my servant forever.

Fuck, more killing.  I see the Jews were the originators of genocide.


And in those days it happened that the Philistines gathered their armies for war, to fight with Israel. And Achish said to David, You surely know that you shall go with me to battle, you and your men. And David said to Achish, Surely you shall know what your servant can do. And Achish said to David, And I will make you keeper of my head forever. And Samuel was dead, and all Israel had mourned him and buried him in Ramah, even in his own city. And Saul had put away those that had familiar spirits, and the wizards, out of the land. And the Philistines gathered themselves and came and pitched in Shunem. And Saul gathered all Israel and they pitched in Gilboa. And Saul saw the army of the Philistines, and he was afraid, and his heart greatly trembled. And when Saul inquired of the LORD, the LORD did not answer him, neither by dreams, nor by Urim, nor by prophets.

Samuel…is dead again.  More battling Philistines.

And Saul said to his servants, Seek me a woman who has a familiar spirit, so that I may go to her and inquire of her. And his servant said to him, Behold, there is a woman who is a necromancer at Endor. And Saul disguised himself and put on other clothing. And he went. And two men went with him. And they came to the woman by night. And he said, Please divine for me calling up the dead, and bring me up the man whom I shall name to you. And the woman said to him, Behold, you know what Saul has done, how he has cut off those that have familiar spirits, and the wizards, out of the land. Why then do you lay a snare for my life, to cause me to die? And Saul swore to her by the LORD, saying, As the LORD lives, there shall no punishment happen to you for this thing. And the woman said, Whom shall I bring up to you? And he said, Bring me up Samuel. And the woman saw Samuel, and cried with a loud voice. And the woman spoke to Saul, saying, Why have you deceived me? For you are Saul! And the king said to her, Do not be afraid. For what did you see? And the woman said to Saul, I saw gods coming up out of the earth. And he said to her, What is his form? And she said, An old man comes up, and he is covered with a cloak. And Saul saw that it was Samuel, and he bowed his face to the ground, and prostrated himself.

So in the Bible, necromancers are real…and work.  Wow.

And Samuel said to Saul, Why have you disturbed me, to bring me up? And Saul answered, I am grievously distressed, for the Philistines are warring against me. And God has left me and does not answer me any more, neither by prophets nor by dreams. And I have called you so that you may make known to me what I should do. And Samuel said, Why then do you ask me, since the LORD has left you and has become your enemy? And the LORD has done for Himself as He spoke by me. For the LORD has torn the kingdom out of your hand and is giving it to your neighbor, to David. Because you did not obey the voice of the LORD, nor execute his fierce wrath on Amalek, therefore the LORD has done this thing to you now. And, the LORD will also deliver Israel with you into the hand of the Philistines. And tomorrow you and your sons shall be with me. The LORD also shall deliver the army of Israel into the hand of the Philistines.

Couple of things here.  You can’t talk to the dead, and I could of sworn one of the abominations was witches and people who talk to familiar spirits.  More fucking Philistines.

And Saul immediately fell headlong on the earth, and was sorely afraid because of the words of Samuel. And there was no strength in him, for he had eaten no bread all day nor all night. And the woman came to Saul and saw that he was sorely troubled, and said to him, Behold, your handmaid has obeyed your voice, and I have put my life in my hand, and have listened to your words which you spoke to me. And now please listen also to the voice of your handmaid, and let me set a bit of bread before you and eat, so that you may have strength when you go on your way. But he refused, and said, I will not eat. But his servants, forced him, and the woman also. And he listened to their voices and arose from the earth and sat on the bed. And the woman had a fat calf in the house. And she hurried and killed it, and took flour and kneaded it, and baked unleavened bread with it. And she brought it before Saul, and before his servants. And they ate, and rose up and went away that night.

Dinner and a show.


And the Philistines gathered all their armies to Aphek. And the Israelites pitched by a fountain in Jezreel. And the lords of the Philistines passed on by hundreds and by thousands. But David and his men passed on in the rear with Achish. And the rulers of the Philistines said, What are these Hebrews doing? And Achish said to the rulers of the Philistines, Is this not David the servant of Saul the king of Israel, who has been with me these days, or these years. And I have not found anything evil in him from the day he fell away until today? And the rulers of the Philistines were angry with him. And the Philistine rulers said to him, Send the man back, and he shall return to his place where you have appointed him. And he shall not go down with us to battle, and shall not become an enemy to us in battle. For with what should he reconcile himself to his master? Should it not be with the heads of these men? Is not this David, of whom they sang to one another in dances, saying, Saul killed his thousands, and David his ten thousands?

Recap, more Philistines.

And Achish called David and said to him, Surely, as the LORD lives, you have been upright, and your going out and your coming in with me in the army is good in my sight. For I have not found evil in you since the day of your coming to me until today. But you are not good in the eyes of the lords. And return now, and go in peace so that you do not displease the lords of the Philistines. And David said to Achish, But what have I done? And what have you found in your servant so long as I have been with you to this day, that I may not go fight against the enemies of my lord the king? And Achish answered and said to David, I know that you are good in my sight, like an angel of God. But the princes of the Philistines have said, He shall not go up with us to the battle. And now, rise up early in the morning with your master’s servants who have come with you. And as soon as you have light, depart. And David and his men rose up early to leave in the morning, to return into the land of the Philistines. And the Philistines went up to Jezreel.

David works with the Philistines?


And it happened when David and his men had come to Ziklag on the third day, the Amalekites had invaded the south and Ziklag, and had struck Ziklag, and burned it with fire. And they had seized the women in it. They did not kill any, either small or great, but carried them away and went on their way. And David and his men came to the city, and behold, it was burned with fire, and their wives and their sons and their daughters had been taken captives. And David and the people with him lifted up their voice and wept, until they had no more power to weep. And David’s two wives had been seized, Ahinoam of Jezreel, and Abigail, the former wife of Nabal of Carmel. And it greatly distressed David, for the people spoke of stoning him, because the soul of all the people was grieved, each one for his sons and for his daughters. But David encouraged himself in the LORD his God.

Amalekites now, who are actually more moral.  David is a polygamist.

And David said to Abiathar the priest, Ahimelech’s son, Please bring the ephod here to me. And Abiathar brought the ephod there to David. And David inquired of the LORD, saying, Shall I go after this troop? Shall I overtake them? And He answered him, Go! For you shall surely overtake and will without fail recover all. So David went, he and the six hundred men that were with him, and came to the brook Besor, where those who were left behind stayed. But David pursued, he and four hundred men. For two hundred stayed behind, who were too exhausted to go over the brook Besor. And they found an Egyptian in the field and brought him to David and gave him bread, and he ate. And they made him drink water. And they gave him a piece of a cake of figs, and two clusters of raisins. And when he had eaten, his spirit came again to him. For he had eaten no bread nor drunk water for three days and three nights. And David said to him, Whose are you? And where do you come from? And he said, I am an Egyptian youth, servant to an Amalekite. And my master left me because three days ago I fell sick. We raided the south of the Cherethites, and on that belonging to Judah, and on the south of Caleb. And we burned Ziklag with fire. And David said to him, Can you bring me down to this company? And he said, Swear to me by God that you will neither kill me nor deliver me into the hands of my master, and I will bring you down to this company. And when he had brought him down, behold, they were spread abroad on all the earth, eating and drinking and dancing, because of all the great spoil that they had taken out of the land of the Philistines and out of the land of Judah. And David struck them from the twilight even to the evening of the next day. And not a man of them escaped, except four hundred young men who rode on camels and fled. And David recovered all that the Amalekites had carried away. And David rescued his two wives. And nothing was lacking to them, from the small to the great, even to sons and daughters, and from the spoil, even to all that they had taken to themselves. David recovered all. And David took all the flock, and the herd. They drove on before those cattle. And they said, This is David’s spoil.

So this passage nulls the paragraph before it.

And David came to the two hundred who were too exhausted to follow David, whom they had made also to stay at the brook Besor. And they went out to meet David, and to meet the people with him. And David came up to the people, and greeted them. And all the wicked men and men of Belial among the men who went with David answered and said, Because they did not go with us, we will not give them from a thing the spoil that we have seized, except to every man his wife and his sons. Let them take them, and go. And David said, My brothers, you shall not do so with that which the LORD has given us. For He has protected us, and has delivered into our hand the company that came against us. For who will listen to you in this matter? But as his part is that goes down to the battle, so shall be his part that stays by the stuff. They shall divide alike. And it was so, from that day forward he made it a statute and an ordinance for Israel to this day. And David came to Ziklag, and sent some of the spoil to the elders of Judah, to his friends, saying, Behold, a present for you from the spoil of the enemies of the LORD; to the ones in Bethel, and to the ones in Ramoth of the south, and to the ones in Jattir, and to the ones in Aroer, and to the ones in Siphmoth, and to the ones in Eshtemoa, and to the ones in Rachal, and to the ones in the cities of the Jerahmeelites, and to the ones in the cities of the Kenites, and to the ones in Hormah, and to the ones in Chorashan, and to the ones in Athach, and to the ones in Hebron, and to all the places where David had gone up and down, he and his men.



And the Philistines fought against Israel. And the men of Israel fled from before the Philistines, and fell down wounded in Mount Gilboa. And the Philistines followed Saul and his sons. And the Philistines killed Jonathan and Abinadab and Malchishua, Saul’s sons. And the battle went hard against Saul. And the archers hit him, and he was sorely wounded by the archers. And Saul said to his armor-bearer, Draw your sword and thrust me through with it, lest these uncircumcised ones come and thrust me through, and abuse me. But his armor-bearer would not, for he was very much afraid. So Saul took a sword and fell on it. And when his armor-bearer saw that Saul was dead, he also fell on his sword and died with him. And Saul died, and his three sons, and his armor-bearer, and all his men, that same day together. And the men of Israel beyond the valley, and who were on the other side Jordan, saw that the men of Israel fled and that Saul and his sons had died. And they abandoned the cities and fled. And the Philistines came and lived in them.

Johnathan is just tossed away here, like an afterthought.  Saul is dead, falling on his own sword.  Thank goodness.

And it happened on the next day, the Philistines came to strip the slain, and they found Saul and his three sons fallen in mount Gilboa. And they cut off his head and stripped off his armor, and sent into the land of the Philistines all around, to publish it in the house of their idols and among the people. And they put his armor in the house of Ashtaroth, and they fastened his body to the wall of Beth-shan. And when they heard about it, the people of Jabesh-gilead, what the Philistines had done to Saul, then all the brave men arose, and they traveled all night. And they took the body of Saul and the bodies of his sons from the wall of Beth-shan, and came to Jabesh, and burned them there. And they took their bones and buried them under the tamarisk tree at Jabesh. And they fasted seven days.

So glad Saul is dead, and I think Samuel is dead is well, but for some reason, there is another book named after him.

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