Genesis 5

This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man, he made him in the likeness of God. He created them male and female, and blessed them. And He called their name Adam in the day when they were created. And Adam lived one hundred and thirty years and fathered a son in his own likeness, after his own image. And he called his name Seth. And the days of Adam after he had fathered Seth were eight hundred years. And he fathered sons and daughters. And all the days that Adam lived were nine hundred and thirty years. And he died.

Adam lived to 930 years old. Are you fucking kidding me? No mammal can live that long. No vertebrate can live that long. No human can live that long. There are a lot of reasons that this is impossible, but I will keep it really simple. Teeth. Humans only get 2 sets of teeth. Google photos of centenarians and take a look at their teeth. After 100 years, they are worn down. This is what a 116 year old person looks like.

Misao Okawa, world's oldest woman, receiving Guiness World Record

 

Without modern toothpaste, fluoride, or dental care, living in a desert, your teeth are way gone before you are even 50 or 60 years old. So this means Adam was gumming his food for close to 900 years. The oldest person I know who lived during that time was Ramses the Great. He ruled Egypt for 67 years and died around 90 years old. You know what probably killed him? An abscessed tooth. Living in a desert wears down your teeth quickly, since sand is a bitch and gets into everything. So unless Adam was a shark or had teeth the hardness of diamonds, this age is truly impossible. I won’t even get into telomeres, cancer rates, or how the heck you avoid a life threatening accident for almost a millennium.

And Seth lived one hundred and five years and fathered Enos. And after he fathered Enos, Seth lived eight hundred and seven years. And he fathered sons and daughters. And all the days of Seth were nine hundred and twelve years. And he died. And Enos lived ninety years and fathered Cainan. And after he fathered Cainan, Enos lived eight hundred and fifteen years. And he fathered sons and daughters. And all the days of Enos were nine hundred and five years. And he died. And Cainan lived seventy years and fathered Mahalaleel. And after he fathered Mahalaleel, Cainan lived eight hundred and forty years. And he fathered sons and daughters. And all the days of Cainan were nine hundred and ten years, and he died. And Mahalaleel lived sixty-five years and fathered Jared. And after he fathered Jared, Mahalaleel lived eight hundred and thirty years. And he fathered sons and daughters. And all the days of Mahalaleel were eight hundred and ninety-five years. And he died. And Jared lived one hundred and sixty-two years and fathered Enoch. And after he fathered Enoch, Jared lived eight hundred years. And he fathered sons and daughters. And all the days of Jared were nine hundred and sixty-two years. And he died.

At his point, I really think the ages are symbolic or had to be silly to push back the origin time of the Jews.

And Enoch lived sixty-five years and fathered Methuselah. And Enoch walked with God three hundred years after he fathered Methuselah. And he fathered sons and daughters. And all the days of Enoch were three hundred and sixty-five years. And Enoch walked with God, and then he was not, for God took him.

Clunky writing here. Seems tacked on later. God took him? Out for a beer? Oh, he must be dead.

And Methuselah lived one hundred and eighty-seven years and fathered Lamech. And after he fathered Lamech, Methuselah lived seven hundred and eighty-two years. And he fathered sons and daughters. And all the days of Methuselah were nine hundred and sixty-nine years. And he died.

And Lamech lived one hundred and eighty-two years and fathered a son. And he called his name Noah, saying, This one shall comfort us concerning our work and the toil of our hands, because of the ground which the LORD has cursed. And after he fathered Noah, Lamech lived five hundred and ninety-five years. And he fathered sons and daughters. And all the days of Lamech were seven hundred and seventy-seven years. And he died. And Noah was five hundred years old. And Noah fathered Shem, Ham, and Japheth.

Blah blah blah, more absurd ages and Noah was born.