Numbers 17 to 36

Numbers 17

And the LORD spoke to Moses saying, Speak to the sons of Israel, and take a rod from each of them for a father’s house, of all their rulers, for their fathers’ house, twelve rods. Write every man’s name upon his rod. And you shall write Aaron’s name upon the rod of Levi. For one rod shall be for the head of the house of their fathers. And you shall lay them up in the tabernacle of the congregation before the testimony, where I will meet with you. And it shall be, the rod of the man whom I shall choose shall blossom. And I will make to cease from Me the murmurings of the sons of Israel by which they murmur against you. And Moses spoke to the sons of Israel, and all their rulers gave to him a rod, for each ruler, one rod for each ruler, for their father’s house, twelve rods. And the rod of Aaron was among their rods. And Moses laid up the rods before the LORD in the tabernacle of witness.

So the LORD uses random chance to pick which house prospers? So God does play dice.

And it happened on the next day Moses went into the tabernacle of witness. And behold! The rod of Aaron for the house of Levi had budded and had brought forth buds, and had bloomed blossoms, and had yielded almonds. And Moses brought out all the rods from before the LORD to all the sons of Israel. And they looked, and each one took his rod. And the LORD said to Moses, Bring Aaron’s rod again before the testimony, to be kept as a token against the rebels. And you shall completely take away their murmurings from Me so that they do not die. And Moses did as the LORD commanded him, so he did. And the sons of Israel spoke to Moses saying, Behold, we die, we perish, we all perish. Whoever comes near the tabernacle of the LORD shall die. Shall we be consumed to die?

Most obtuse way of announcing something, ever.

Numbers 18

And the LORD said to Aaron, You and your sons, and your father’s house with you shall bear the iniquity of the sanctuary. And you and your sons with you shall bear the iniquity of your priesthood. And bring your brothers also of the tribe of Levi, the tribe of your father with you, so that they may be joined to you and minister to you, you and your sons with you, before the tabernacle of witness. And they shall keep your charge and the charge of all the tabernacle. Only they shall not come near the vessels of the sanctuary and the altar, so that neither they nor you also may die. And they shall be joined to you, and keep the charge of the tabernacle of the congregation, for all the service of the tabernacle. And a stranger shall not come near you. And you shall keep the charge of the sanctuary and the charge of the altar, so that there may be no wrath any more upon the sons of Israel. And I, behold, I have taken your brothers the Levites from among the sons of Israel. They are given to you as a gift for the LORD, to do the service of the tabernacle of the congregation. Therefore you and your sons with you shall keep your priests’ office for everything of the altar and inside the veil. And you shall serve. I have given your priest’s office as a service of gift. And the stranger that comes near shall be put to death.

I knonestly thought the Levites were chosen for this duty 50 pages ago.

And the LORD spoke to Aaron, Behold, I have also given you the charge of My heave offerings of all the holy things of the sons of Israel. I have given them to you for the anointing, and to your sons, by an ordinance forever. This shall be yours of the most holy things, reserved from the fire, every sacrifice of theirs, every food offering of theirs, and every sin offering of theirs, and every trespass offering of theirs, which they shall give Me. These are most holy for you and for your sons. You shall eat it in the Holy of Holies. Every male shall eat it. It shall be holy to you. And this is yours, the heave offering of their gift, with all the wave offerings of the sons of Israel. I have given them to you and to your sons and to your daughters with you, by a statute forever. Everyone that is clean in your house shall eat it. All the best of the oil, and all the best of the wine, and of the wheat, the first-fruits of them which they shall offer to the LORD, I have given them to you. The first fruits of all that is in the land, which they shall bring to the LORD, shall be yours. Everyone that is clean in your house shall eat of it. Everything devoted in Israel shall be yours. Everything that opens the womb in all flesh, which they bring to the LORD, of men or animals, shall be yours. Nevertheless, the first-born of man you shall surely redeem, and the first-born of unclean animals you shall redeem. And those that are to be redeemed from a month old you shall redeem, according to your judgment for the silver of five shekels, according to the shekel of the sanctuary, which is twenty gerahs. But the first-born of a cow, or the first-born of a sheep, or the first-born of a goat, you shall not redeem. They are holy. You shall sprinkle their blood upon the altar, and shall burn their fat, an offering made by fire, for a sweet savor to the LORD. And their flesh shall be yours, as the wave breast and as the right shoulder are yours. All the heave offerings of the holy things, which the sons of Israel offer to the LORD, I have given you and your sons and your daughters with you, by a law forever. It is a covenant of salt forever before the LORD to you and to your seed with you.

Fuck me, again.

And the LORD said to Aaron, You shall have no inheritance in their land, neither shall you have any part among them. I am your part and your inheritance among the sons of Israel. And behold, I have given the sons of Levi all the tenth in Israel for an inheritance, for their service which they serve, the service of the tabernacle of the congregation. Neither must the sons of Israel come near the tabernacle of the congregation from now on, lest they bear sin and die. But the Levites shall do the service of the tabernacle of the congregation, and they shall bear their iniquity, a statute forever throughout your generations, that among the sons of Israel they have no inheritance. But the tithes of the sons of Israel, which they offer as a heave offering to the LORD, I have given to the Levites to inherit. Therefore I have said to them, Among the sons of Israel they shall have no inheritance. And the LORD spoke to Moses saying, And you shall speak to the Levites, and you shall say to them, When you take tithes from the sons of Israel, which I have given you from them for your inheritance, then you shall offer up a heave offering of it for the LORD, a tenth of the tithe. And your heave offering shall be credited to you as grain of the threshing-floor, and as the fullness of the winepress. So you also shall offer a heave offering to the LORD of all your tithes which you receive from the sons of Israel. And you shall give from it the LORD’s heave offering to Aaron the priest. Out of all your gifts you shall offer every heave offering of the LORD, of all its fat, the holy part of it out of it. And you shall say to them, When you have lifted up its fat, then it shall be credited to the Levites as the increase of the threshing-floor, and as the increase of the winepress. And you shall eat it in every place, you and your households. For it is your reward for your service in the tabernacle of the congregation. And you shall bear no sin because of it, when you have lifted up the fat of it. Neither shall you defile the holy things of the sons of Israel, lest you die.

Fuck. Why waste all of this paper for this repetetive crap?

Numbers 19

And the LORD spoke to Moses and to Aaron saying, This is the ordinance of the law which the LORD has commanded, saying, Speak to the sons of Israel that they bring you a red heifer, a perfect one, in which there is no blemish, on which no yoke ever came. And you shall give her to Eleazar the priest that he may bring her forth outside the camp. And he shall kill her before his face. And Eleazar the priest shall take of her blood with his finger and sprinkle of her blood directly before the tabernacle of the congregation seven times. And he shall burn the heifer in his sight, her skin and her flesh and her blood with her dung, he shall burn. And the priest shall take cedar-wood and hyssop and scarlet, and throw it into the midst of the burning of the heifer. Then the priest shall wash his clothes, and he shall bathe his flesh in water. And afterward he shall come into the camp, and the priest shall be unclean until the evening. And he who burns her shall wash his clothes in water and bathe his flesh in water, and shall be unclean until the evening. And a man that is clean shall gather up the ashes of the heifer, and lay up outside the camp in a clean place, and it shall be kept for the congregation of the sons of Israel for a water of separation. It is a cleansing for sin. And he who gathers the ashes of the heifer shall wash his clothes and be unclean until the evening. And it shall be to the sons of Israel, and to the stranger that lives among them, for a statute forever.

Fuck. Why waste all of this paper for this repetetive crap?

He who touches the dead body of any man shall be unclean seven days. He shall purify himself with it on the third day, and on the seventh day he shall be clean. But if he does not purify himself the third day, then the seventh day he shall not be clean. Whoever touches the dead body of any man that is dead, and does not purify himself, defiles the tabernacle of the LORD. And that soul shall be cut off from Israel. Because the water of separation was not sprinkled upon him, he shall be unclean. His uncleanness is still upon him. This is the law when a man dies in a tent. All that come into the tent, and all in the tent, shall be unclean seven days. And every open vessel which has no covering bound upon it, it is unclean. And whoever touches one that is killed with a sword in the open fields, or a dead body, or a bone of a man, or a grave, shall be unclean seven days. And for the unclean they shall take of the ashes of the burnt heifer of cleansing for sin, and running water shall be put to it in a vessel. And a clean person shall take hyssop and dip in the water, and sprinkle upon the tent and upon all the vessels, and upon the persons that were there, and upon him that touched a bone, or one killed, or one dead, or a grave. And the clean person shall sprinkle on the unclean on the third day, and on the seventh day. And on the seventh day he shall purify himself, and wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water. And he shall be clean at evening. But the man that shall be unclean, and shall not purify himself, that soul shall be cut off from among the congregation, because he has defiled the sanctuary of the LORD. The water of separation has not been sprinkled upon him. He is unclean. And it shall be a perpetual law to them, that he who sprinkles the water of separation shall wash his clothes. And he that touches the water of separation shall be unclean until evening. And whatever the unclean touches shall be unclean. And the soul who touches shall be unclean until evening.

Fuck. Why waste all of this paper for this repetetive crap?

Numbers 20

Then the sons of Israel came, the whole congregation, into the desert of Zin in the first month. And the people stayed in Kadesh. And Miriam died there and was buried there. And there was no water for the congregation. And they gathered themselves against Moses and against Aaron. And the people contended with Moses and spoke, saying, Oh that we had died when our brothers died before the LORD! And why have you brought up the congregation of the LORD into this wilderness, so that we and our cattle should die there? And why have you made us to come up out of Egypt, to bring us into this evil place? It is no place of seed or of figs or of vines or of pomegranates. And there is no water to drink. And Moses and Aaron went from the presence of the assembly to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, and they fell upon their faces. And the glory of the LORD appeared to them. And the LORD spoke to Moses saying, Take the rod, and gather the assembly, you and Aaron your brother, and speak to the rock before their eyes. And it shall give forth its water, and you shall bring forth to them water out of the rock. So you shall give the congregation and their animals drink. And Moses took the rod from before the LORD as He commanded him. And Moses and Aaron gathered the congregation together before the rock, and he said to them, Hear now you rebels. Must we bring water for you out of this rock? And Moses lifted up his hand, and with his rod he struck the rock twice. And the water came out plentifully, and the congregation and their animals drank. And the LORD spoke to Moses and Aaron, Because you did not believe Me, to sanctify Me in the eyes of the sons of Israel, therefore you shall not bring this congregation into the land which I have given them. These are the Waters of Strife, because the sons of Israel fought with the LORD, and He showed Himself holy among them.

The water from a rock story, again?

And Moses sent messengers from Kadesh to the king of Edom, so says your brother Israel, You know all the trouble that has happened to us, how our fathers went down into Egypt, and we have lived in Egypt a long time. And the Egyptians troubled us and our fathers. And when we cried to the LORD, He heard our voice and sent an Angel, and has brought us forth out of Egypt. And behold! We are in Kadesh, a city in the outermost part of your border. Let us pass, I pray you, through your country. We will not pass through a field, nor through a vineyard, neither will we drink of the water of a well. We will go by the king’s highway. We will not turn to the right hand nor to the left until we have passed your borders. And Edom said to him, You shall not pass by me, lest I come out against you with the sword. And the sons of Israel said to him, We will go by the highway. And if I and my cattle drink of your water, then I will pay for it. Without doing anything, I will only go through on my feet. And he said, You shall not go through. And Edom came out against him with many people, and with a strong hand. So Edom refused to give Israel passage through his border. Therefore Israel turned away from him.

So Edom said no thanks, and you just walked away? Pussies.

And the sons of Israel, the whole congregation, pulled up from Kadesh and came to Mount Hor. And the LORD spoke to Moses and Aaron in Mount Hor, by the border of the land of Edom, saying, Aaron shall be gathered to his people. For he shall not enter into the land which I have given to the sons of Israel, because you rebelled against My word at the Waters of Strife. Take Aaron and Eleazar his son, and bring them up to Mount Hor. And strip Aaron of his garments, and put them upon Eleazar his son. And Aaron shall be gathered to his people, and shall die there. And Moses did as the LORD commanded. And they went up into Mount Hor in the sight of all the congregation. And Moses stripped Aaron of his garments, and put them upon Eleazar his son. And Aaron died there in the top of the mount. And Moses and Eleazar came down from the mountain. And when all the congregation saw that Aaron was dead, they mourned for Aaron thirty days, all the house of Israel.

Let’s get this straight, take off the clothes from the father Aaron, put them on is son Eleazar, then Aaron dies. Wow. These people are worse than Klingons.

Numbers 21

And king Arad the Canaanite, who lived in the south, heard that Israel came by the Way of the Spies, then he fought against Israel and took prisoners of them. And Israel vowed a vow to the LORD and said, If You will indeed deliver this people into my hand, then I will completely destroy their cities. And the LORD listened to the voice of Israel and delivered up the Canaanites. And they completely destroyed them and their cities. And he called the name of the place Hormah.

Just like that, the Canaanite’s are all dead, and their cities, poof. I assume men, women, children, for capturing some Jews.

And they pulled up from Mount Hor by the way of the Red Sea, to go around the land of Edom. And the soul of the people was very discouraged because of the way. And the people spoke against God and against Moses, Why have you brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? For there is no bread, neither is there any water. And our soul hates this light bread. And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people. And many people of Israel died. And the people came to Moses and said, We have sinned, for we have spoken against the LORD and against you. Pray to the LORD that He take away the serpents from us. And Moses prayed for the people. And the LORD said to Moses, Make a fiery serpent and set it on a pole. And it shall be when everyone that is bitten, when he looks upon it, he shall live. And Moses made a serpent of bronze, and put it upon a pole. And it happened that if a serpent had bitten any man, when he looked upon the serpent of brass, he lived.

People believe this? The whiny Jews, complain again, and the LORD send fiery serpents!!! By the way, fiery serpents don’t exist.

And the sons of Israel pulled up and pitched in Oboth. And they pulled up from Oboth and pitched at Ije-abarim in the wilderness before Moab, toward the sunrising. From there they pulled up and pitched in the valley of Zered. From there they pulled up and pitched on the other side of Arnon, in the wilderness that comes out of the borders of the Amorites; for Arnon is in the border of Moab, between Moab and the Amorites. Therefore it is said in the Book of the Wars of the LORD, Waheb in Suphah, and in the torrents of Arnon, and at the stream of the torrents that goes down to the dwelling of Ar and lies upon the border of Moab. And from there they went to Beer. That is the well of which the LORD spoke to Moses, Gather the people together, and I will give them water. Then Israel sang this song, Spring up, O well. Sing to it. The well which the rulers dug, which the nobles of the people dug with their staves by the word of the Lawgiver. And from the wilderness they went to Mattanah, and from Mattanah to Nahaliel, and from Nahaliel to Bamoth, and from Bamoth in the valley, in the country of Moab, they worked to the top of Pisgah, which looks toward the wilderness.

Referencing Book of Wars of the LORD, etc. I guess the book of wars didn’t make the cut, but the title is awesome.

And Israel sent messengers to Sihon king of the Amorites, saying, Let me pass through your land. We will not turn into the fields or into the vineyards. We will not drink the waters of the well. We will go along by the king’s highway until we are past your borders. And Sihon would not allow Israel to pass through his border. But Sihon gathered all his people, and went out against Israel in the wilderness. And he came to Jahaz and fought against Israel. And Israel struck him with the edge of the sword and possessed his land from Arnon to Jabbok, even to the sons of Ammon. For the border of the sons of Ammon was strong. And Israel took all these cities. And Israel lived in all the cities of the Amorites in Heshbon, and in all its villages. For Heshbon was the city of Sihon the king of the Amorites, who had fought against the former king of Moab and had taken all his land out of his hand, even to Arnon. Therefore they who speak in proverbs say, Come into Heshbon. Let the city of Sihon be built and prepared. For there has gone out a fire from Heshbon, a flame from the city of Sihon. It has consumed Ar of Moab, the lords of the high places of Arnon. Woe to you, Moab! You are undone, O people of Chemosh! He has given his sons to be runaways, and his daughters to go into captivity, to Sihon king of the Amorites. We have cast them down. Heshbon has perished even to Dibon, and we have laid them waste even to Nophah which is to Medeba. So Israel lived in the land of the Amorites. And Moses sent to spy out Jaazer, and they took its villages and drove out the Amorites who were there. And they turned and went up by the way of Bashan. And Og the king of Bashan went out against them, he and all his people, to the battle at Edrei. And the LORD said to Moses, Do not fear him, for I have delivered him into your hand, and all his people and his land. And you shall do to him as you did to Sihon king of the Amorites who lived at Heshbon. So they struck him and his sons and all his people, until there was none left him alive. And they possessed his land.

More genocide.

Numbers 22

And the sons of Israel pulled up and pitched in the plains of Moab on this side Jordan by Jericho. And Balak the son of Zippor saw all that Israel had done to the Amorites. And Moab was much afraid of the people because they were many. And Moab was worried because of the sons of Israel. And Moab said to the elders of Midian, Now this company is licking up all around us, as the ox licks up the grass of the field. And Balak the son of Zippor was king of the Moabites at that time. He sent messengers therefore to Balaam the son of Beor, to Pethor, by the river of the land of the sons of his people, to call him, saying, Behold! A people come out from Egypt. Behold! They cover the face of the earth, and they are staying across from me. Therefore, I pray you, come now and curse this people for me. For they are too mighty for me. Perhaps I shall prevail so that we may strike them, and so that I may drive them out of the land. For I know that he whom you bless is blessed, and he whom you curse is cursed. And the elders of Moab and the elders of Midian pulled up with the rewards of divination in their hand. And they came to Balaam and spoke the words of Balak to him. And he said to them, stay here tonight, and I will bring you word again, as the LORD shall speak to me. And the leaders of Moab stayed with Balaam. And God came to Balaam and said, What men are these with you? And Balaam said to God, Balak the son of Zippor, king of Moab, has sent to me, saying, Behold! A people has come out of Egypt which covers the face of the earth. Come now, curse them for me. Perhaps, I shall be able to overcome them and drive them out. And God said to Balaam, You shall not go with them. You shall not curse the people, for they are blessed. And Balaam rose up in the morning and said to the leaders of Balak, Go into your land, for the LORD refuses to let me go with you. And the leaders of Moab rose up. And they went to Balak and said, Balaam refuses to come with us.

I really don’t get the point of this passage. Anyone?

And Balak sent leaders again, more and more honorable than those. And they came to Balaam and said to him, So says Balak the son of Zippor, Please let nothing hinder you from coming to me. For I will raise you up to very great honor, and I will do whatever you say to me. Please come then and curse this people for me. And Balaam answered and said to the servants of Balak, If Balak would give me his house full of silver and gold, I cannot go beyond the word of the LORD my God, to do less or more. But please now stay here also this night so that I may know what more the LORD will say to me. And God came to Balaam at night and said to him, If the men come to call you, rise up, go with them. But still, the word which I shall say to you, that you shall do. And Balaam rose up in the morning and saddled his ass, and went with the rulers of Moab.

Bribe the LORD with silver and gold?

And God’s anger was kindled because he went. And the Angel of the LORD stood in the way as an enemy against him. And he was riding upon his ass, and his two servants with him. And the ass saw the Angel of the LORD standing in the way, and His sword drawn in His hand. And the ass turned aside out of the way and went into the field. And Balaam struck the ass, to turn her into the way. But the Angel of the LORD stood in a path of the vineyards, a wall on this side, and a wall on that side. And when the ass saw the Angel of the LORD, she pushed herself into the wall and crushed Balaam’s foot against the wall. And he struck her again. And the Angel of the LORD went further and stood in a narrow place, where there was no way to turn either to the right hand or to the left. And when the ass saw the Angel of the LORD, she fell down under Balaam. And Balaam’s anger was kindled, and he struck the ass with a staff. And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said to Balaam, What have I done to you, that you have beaten me these three times? And Balaam said to the ass, Because you have mocked me. I wish there were a sword in my hand, for now I would kill you. And the ass said to Balaam, Am I not your ass, upon which you have ridden ever since I was yours, to this day? Was I ever known to do so to you? And he said, No. Then the LORD opened the eyes of Balaam, and he saw the Angel of the LORD standing in the way, and His sword drawn in His hand. And he bowed down his head, and fell on his face. And the Angel of the LORD said to him, Why have you beaten your ass these three times? Behold! I went out to be an enemy to you, because your way is perverse before Me. And the ass saw Me and turned from Me these three times. Unless she had turned from Me, surely now I also would have killed you and saved her alive. And Balaam said to the Angel of the LORD, I have sinned. For I did not know that You stood in the way against me. Now therefore, if it displeases You, I will go back again. And the Angel of the LORD said to Balaam, Go with the men. But only the word that I shall speak to you, that you shall speak. So Balaam went with the leaders of Balak.

I have heard about this passage, and I really didn’t believe it was actually in the Bible, but here it is: the talking donkey…or ass if you prefer. Talking donkey. As in Eddie Murphy voiced, talking donkey. People believe this cover to cover, really?

And when Balak heard that Balaam had come, he went out to meet him, to a city of Moab, in the border of Arnon, which is in the outermost border. And Balak said to Balaam, Did I not earnestly send to you to call you? Why did you not come to me? Am I not able indeed to lift you up to honor? And Balaam said to Balak, Lo, I have come to you. Have I now any power at all to say anything? The word that God puts in my mouth, that I shall speak. And Balaam went with Balak, and they came to Kirjath-huzoth. And Balak offered oxen and sheep, and sent to Balaam and to the leaders that were with him. And it happened on the next day Balak took Balaam and brought him up into the high places of Baal, so that from there he might see the edge of the people.

Who cares about this Balak/Balaam? Pointless and really makes the Bible impossible to believe, all wrapped into one.

Numbers 23

And Balaam said to Balak, Build me here seven altars, and prepare here seven oxen and seven rams for me. And Balak did as Balaam had spoken. And Balak and Balaam offered on the altar a bull and a ram. And Balaam said to Balak, Stand by your burnt offering, and I will go. Perhaps the LORD will come to meet me. And whatever He reveals to me I will tell you. And he went to a high place. And God met Balaam. And he said to Him, I have prepared seven altars, and I have offered upon the altar a bull and a ram. And the LORD put a word in Balaam’s mouth and said, Return to Balak, and so you shall speak. And he returned to him. And lo, he stood by his burnt sacrifice, he and all the leaders of Moab. And he took up his parable, and said, Balak the king of Moab has brought me from Aram, out of the mountains of the east, saying, Come, curse Jacob for me, and come, defy Israel. How shall I curse whom God has not cursed? Or how shall I defy whom the LORD has not defied? For from the top of the rocks I see him, and from the hills I behold him. Lo, the people shall dwell alone, and shall not be counted among the nations. Who can count the dust of Jacob, and the number of the fourth of Israel? Let me die the death of the righteous, and let my last end be like his! And Balak said to Balaam, What have you done to me? I took you to curse my enemies, and behold, you have kept on blessing them! And he answered and said, Must I not be careful to speak that which the LORD has put in my mouth?

What is the point of all of this?

And Balak said to him, Please come with me to another place from where you may see them. You shall see only their edge, and shall not see them all. And curse them from there for me. And he brought him into the field of Zophim, to the top of Pisgah, and built seven altars and offered a bull and a ram on every altar. And he said to Balak, Stand here by your burnt offering while I meet Him yonder. And the LORD met Balaam and put a word in his mouth, and said, Go again to Balak and say this. And when he came to him, behold, he stood by his burnt offering, and the leaders of Moab were with him. And Balak said to him, What has the LORD spoken? And he took up his parable and said, Rise up, Balak, and hear. Listen to me, son of Zippor. God is not a man that He should lie, neither the son of man that He should repent. Has He said, and shall He not do it? Or has He spoken, and shall He not make it good? Behold, I have received word to bless. And He has blessed, and I cannot reverse it. He has not seen iniquity in Jacob, neither has He seen perverseness in Israel. The LORD his God is with him, and the shout of a king among them. God brought them out of Egypt. He has, as it were, the strength of an ox. Surely, there is no spell against Jacob, nor any fortune-telling against Israel. According to this time it shall be said of Jacob and of Israel, What God has worked! Behold, the people shall rise up like a great lion, and lift up himself like a young lion. He shall not lie down until he eats of the prey and drinks the blood of the slain. And Balak said to Balaam, Neither curse them at all nor bless them at all. But Balaam answered and said to Balak, Did I not tell you, saying, All that the LORD speaks, that I must do? And Balak said to Balaam, Please, come. I will bring you into another place. Perhaps it will please God that you will curse them for me from there. And Balak brought Balaam to the top of Peor that looks toward Jeshimon. And Balaam said to Balak, Build seven altars here for me, and prepare seven bulls and seven rams here for me. And Balak did as Balaam had said, and offered a bull and a ram on the altar.

Why? Why?

Numbers 24

And Balaam saw that it pleased the LORD to bless Israel, and he did not go, as at other times, to seek for secret arts, but he set his face toward the wilderness. And Balaam lifted up his eyes, and he saw Israel pitched, according to their tribes. And the Spirit of God came upon him. And he took up his parable, and said, Balaam the son of Beor has said, and the man whose eyes are open has said; he has said; he who heard the words of God, who saw the vision of the Almighty, falling down but having his eyes open; How goodly are your tents, O Jacob, your tabernacles, O Israel! They are spread forth like the valleys, like gardens by the river’s side, like the trees of aloes which the LORD has planted, like cedar trees beside the waters. He shall pour the water out of his buckets, and his seed shall be in many waters. And his king shall be higher than Agag, and his kingdom shall be exalted. God brought him forth out of Egypt. He has as it were the strength of an ox. He shall eat up the nations his enemies, and shall break their bones, and pierce them through with his arrows. He crouched. He lay down as a lion, and as a great lion. Who shall stir him up? Blessed is he who blesses you, and curses he who curses you.

Can we move this along? Seems like a dead plot point.

And Balak’s anger was kindled against Balaam. And he struck his hands together. And Balak said to Balaam, I called you to curse my enemies, and behold, you have kept on blessing these three times. Therefore now flee to your place. I thought to lift you up to great honor, but lo, the LORD has kept you back from honor. And Balaam said to Balak, Did I not speak also to your messengers whom you sent to me, saying, If Balak would give me his house full of silver and gold, I cannot go beyond the mouth of the LORD, to do good or bad of my own mind. What the LORD said, that I will speak. And now, behold, I go to my people. Come! I will make known to you what this people shall do to your people in the latter days.

And he took up his parable, and said, Balaam the son of Beor has said, and the man whose eyes are open has said; he has said, he who heard the words of God and knew the knowledge of the Most High, who sees the vision of the Almighty, falling down but having his eyes open; I shall see him, but not now. I shall behold him, but not near. There shall come a Star out of Jacob, and a Scepter shall rise out of Israel. and shall strike the corners of Moab, and destroy all the sons of tumult. And Edom shall be a possession. Seir also shall be a possession for his enemies. And Israel shall do valiantly. Out of Jacob shall come He who shall have dominion and shall destroy him who remains of the city. And when he looked on Amalek, he took up his parable and said, Amalek was the first of the nations. But his latter end is to destruction. And he looked on the Kenites, and took up his parable and said, Strong is your dwelling-place, and you put your nest in a rock. But the Kenites shall be wasted until Assyria shall carry you away captive. And he took up his parable and said, Alas, who shall live when God puts out! And ships shall come from the coast of Cyprus, and shall afflict Assyria and shall afflict Eber, and he also shall perish forever. And Balaam rose up, and went and returned to his place. And Balak also went his way.

Who cares?

Numbers 25

And Israel lived in Shittim, and the people began to fornicate with the daughters of Moab. And they called the people to the sacrifices of their gods. And the people ate and bowed down to their gods. And Israel joined himself to Baal-peor. And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Israel. And the LORD said to Moses, Take all the heads of the people and hang them up before the LORD against the sun, so that the fierce anger of the LORD may be turned away from Israel. And Moses said to the judges of Israel, Every one of you kill his men who were joined to Baal-peor.

How many times were Israel warned about this? At least a dozen. So the LORD commands everone who worships Baal-peor.

And behold! One of the sons of Israel came and brought to his brothers a woman of Midian, before the eyes of Moses, and before all the congregation of the sons of Israel, who were weeping before the door of the tabernacle of the congregation. And when Phinehas, the son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron the priest, saw it, he rose up from among the congregation and took a spear in his hand. And he went after the man of Israel into the tent, and pierced both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman, through her belly. So the plague was stayed from the sons of Israel. And those that died in the plague were twenty-four thousand. And the LORD spoke to Moses saying, Phinehas the son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron the priest, has turned My wrath away from the sons of Israel while he was zealous for My sake among them, so that I did not destroy the sons of Israel in My jealousy. Therefore say, Behold! I give him My covenant of peace. And he shall have it, and his seed after him, the covenant of an everlasting priesthood, because he was zealous for his God, and made an atonement for the sons of Israel. And the name of the Israelite who was killed, he who was struck with the woman of Midian, was Zimri, the son of Salu, ruler of a chief house of the Simeonites. And the Midianite woman’s name who was killed was Cosbi, the daughter of Zur. He was head over a people, and of a chief house in Midian.

24,000 dead. 24,000 dead, imaginary people.

And the LORD spoke to Moses saying, Trouble the Midianites and strike them. For they trouble you with their lies, with which they have deceived you in the matter of Peor, and in the matter of Cozbi the daughter of a ruler of Midian, their sister, who was stricken in the day of the plague because of Peor.

So?

Numbers 26

And it happened after the plague, the LORD spoke to Moses and to Eleazar, the son of Aaron the priest, saying, Take the sum of all the congregation of the sons of Israel, from twenty years old and upward, throughout their fathers’ house, all that are able to go to war in Israel. And Moses and Eleazar the priest spoke with them in the plains of Moab beside Jordan at Jericho, saying, Count the people from twenty years old and upward, as the LORD commanded Moses and the sons of Israel, who came out of the land of Egypt.

I see why this book is called Numbers. Nothing but counting men over 20, over, and over, and over.

Reuben, the first-born of Israel, the sons of Reuben, of Hanoch who came of the family of the Hanochites; of Pallu the family of the Palluites; of Hezron the family of the Hezronites; of Carmi, the family of the Carmites; these are the families of the Reubenites. And their numbered ones were forty-three thousand, seven hundred and thirty. And the sons of Pallu were Eliab. And the sons of Eliab, Nemuel, and Dathan and Abiram. This is that Dathan and Abiram who were famous in the congregation, who fought against Moses and against Aaron in the company of Korah, when they fought against the LORD. And the earth opened its mouth and swallowed them up together with Korah, when that company died, when the fire devoured two hundred and fifty men. And they became a sign. However the sons of Korah did not die. The sons of Simeon according to their families: of Nemuel, the family of the Nemuelites; of Jamin, the family of the Jaminites; of Jachin, the family of the Jachinites; of Zerah, the family of the Zarchites; of Shaul, the family of the Shaulites– these are the families of the Simeonites, twenty-two thousand, two hundred. The sons of Gad according to their families: of Zephon, the family of the Zephonites; of Haggi, the family of the Haggites; of Shuni, the family of the Shunites; of Ozni, the family of the Oznites; of Eri, the family of the Erites; of Arod, the family of the Arodites; of Areli, the family of the Arelites; these are the families of the sons of Gad by their numbered ones, forty thousand and five hundred. The sons of Judah: Er and Onan. And Er and Onan died in the land of Canaan. And the sons of Judah according to their families: of Shelah, the family of the Shelanites; of Pharez, the family of the Pharzites; of Zerah, the family of the Zerahite. And the sons of Pharez: of Hezron, the family of the Hezronites; of Hamul, the family of the Hamulites; these are the families of Judah by their numbered ones, seventy-six thousand and five hundred. The sons of Issachar, according to their families: of Tola, the family of the Tolaites; of Pua, the family of the Punites; of Jashub the family of the Jashubites; of Shimron, the family of the Shimronites– these are the families of Issachar by their numbered ones, sixty-four thousand and three hundred. The sons of Zebulun according to their families: of Sered, the family of the Sardites; of Elon, the family of the Elonites; of Jahleel, the family of the Jahleelites– these are the families of the Zebulunites by their numbered ones, sixty thousand, five hundred. The sons of Joseph according to their families: Manasseh and Ephraim. The sons of Manasseh: of Machir, the family of the Machirites. And Machir fathered Gilead; of Gilead, the family of the Gileadites; these are the sons of Gilead: of Jeezer, the family of the Jeezerites; of Helek, the family of the Helekites. And of Asriel, the family of the Asrielites; and of Shechem, the family of the Shechemites; and of Shemida, the family of the Shemidaites; and of Hepher, the family of the Hepherites. And Zelophehad the son of Hepher had no sons, but daughters. And the names of the daughters of Zelophehad: Mahlah, and Noah, Hoglah, Milcah, and Tirzah– these are the families of Manasseh, by their numbered ones, fifty-two thousand, seven hundred. These are the sons of Ephraim according to their families: of Shuthelah, the family of the Shuthelahites; of Becher, the family of the Bachrites; of Tahan, the family of the Tahanites. And these are the sons of Shuthelah: of Eran, the family of the Eranites; these are the families of the sons of Ephraim by their numbered ones, thirty-two thousand, five hundred. These are the sons of Joseph according to their families. The sons of Benjamin according to their families: of Bela, the family of the Belaites; of Ashbel, the family of the Ashbelites; of Ahiram, the family of the Ahiramites; of Shupham, the family of the Shuphamites; of Hupham, the family of the Huphamites; And the sons of Bela were Ard and Naaman. Of Ard, the family of the Ardites; of Naaman, the family of the Naamites; these are the sons of Benjamin according to their families, and their numbered ones, forty-five thousand, six hundred. These are the sons of Dan according to their families: of Shuham, the families of the Shuhamites. These are the families of Dan according to their families. All the families of the Shuhamites, by their numbered ones, sixty-four thousand, four hundred. Of the sons of Asher according to their families: of Jimna, the family of the Jimnites; of Jesui, the family of the Jesuites; of Beriah, the family of the Berites. Of the sons of Beriah: of Heber, the family of the Heberites; of Malchiel, the family of the Malchielites. And the name of the daughter of Asher was Serah. These are the families of the sons of Asher by their numbered ones, fifty-three thousand, four hundred. The sons of Naphtali according to their families: of Jahzeel, the family of the Jahzeelites; of Guni, the family of the Gunites; of Jezer, the family of the Jezerites; of Shillem, the family of the Shillemites. These are the families of Naphtali according to their families, by their numbered ones, forty-five thousand, four hundred. These were the numbered ones of the sons of Israel, six hundred one thousand, seven hundred and thirty.

No way anyone has read that in years. Still just over 600,000 able bodied Jews, even with all the plagues.

And the LORD spoke to Moses saying, To these the land shall be divided for an inheritance according to the number of names. To many you shall give the more inheritance, and to few you shall give the less inheritance; each by the mouth of his numbered ones shall be given his inheritance. But the land shall be divided by lot. According to the names of the tribes of their fathers they shall inherit. According to the lot shall the possession of it be divided between many and few.

No shit.

And these are the numbered ones of the Levites according to their families: of Gershon, the family of the Gershonites; of Kohath, the family of the Kohathites; of Merari, the family of the Merarites. These are the families of the Levites: the family of the Libnites, the family of the Hebronites, the family of the Mahlites, the family of the Mushites, the family of the Korathites. And Korah fathered Amram. And the name of Amram’s wife was Jochebed, the daughter of Levi, whom one bore to Levi in Egypt. And she bore to Amram Aaron and Moses, and Miriam their sister. And to Aaron was born Nadab, and Abihu, Eleazar, and Ithamar. And Nadab and Abihu died when they offered strange fire before the LORD. And their numbered ones, twenty-three thousand, all males from a month old and upward. For they were not numbered among the sons of Israel, because there was no inheritance given them among the sons of Israel.

More counting, more numbers.

These are those numbered by Moses and Eleazar the priest, who numbered the sons of Israel in the plains of Moab beside Jordan at Jericho. But among these there was not a man of them whom Moses and Aaron the priest numbered, when they numbered the sons of Israel in the wilderness of Sinai. For the LORD had said of them, They shall surely die in the wilderness. And there was not a man left of them, except Caleb the son of Jephunneh and Joshua the son of Nun.

Who gives a shit?

Numbers 27

And the daughters of Zelophehad, the son of Hepher, the son of Gilead, the son of Machir, the son of Manasseh, of the families of Manasseh, the son of Joseph came. And these are the names of his daughters: Mahlah, Noah, and Hoglah, and Milcah, and Tirzah. And they stood before Moses and before Eleazar the priest, and before the rulers and all the congregation, by the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, saying, Our father died in the wilderness, and he was not in the company of those who gathered themselves against the LORD in the company of Korah, but died in his own sin, and had no sons. Why should the name of our father be taken away from among his family, because he has no son? Therefore give us a possession among the brothers of our father. And Moses brought their cause before the LORD. And the LORD spoke to Moses, saying, The daughters of Zelophehad speak right. You shall surely give them a possession of an inheritance among their father’s brothers. And you shall cause the inheritance of their father to pass to them. And you shall speak to the sons of Israel, saying, When a man dies, and has no son, then you shall cause his inheritance to pass to his daughter. And if he has no daughter, then you shall give his inheritance to his brothers. And if he has no brothers, then you shall give his inheritance to his father’s brothers. And if his father has no brothers, then you shall give his inheritance to his nearest relative, of his family, and he shall possess it. And it shall be to the sons of Israel a statute of judgment, as the LORD commanded Moses.

Inheritance laws, reiterated, again.

And the LORD said to Moses, Get up into this Mount Abarim and see the land which I have given to the sons of Israel. And when you have seen it, you also shall be gathered to your people as Aaron your brother was gathered. For you rebelled against My command in the desert of Zin, in the strife of the congregation, to sanctify Me at the water before their eyes; they were the Waters of Strife in Kadesh in the wilderness of Zin.

Move it on.

And Moses spoke to the LORD, saying, Let the LORD, the God of the spirits of all flesh, set a man over the congregation who may go out before them, and who may go in before them, and who may lead them out, and who may bring them in, so that the congregation of the LORD may not be as sheep which have no shepherd. And the LORD said to Moses, Take Joshua the son of Nun, a man in whom is the Spirit, and lay your hand upon him. And set him before Eleazar the priest, and before all the congregation, and give him a charge in their sight. And you shall put of your honor on him, so that all the congregation of the sons of Israel may be obedient. And he shall stand before Eleazar the priest, who shall ask for him according to the judgment of Urim before the LORD. At his word they shall go out, and at his word they shall come in, he and all the sons of Israel with him, even all the congregation. And Moses did as the LORD commanded him. And he took Joshua and set him before Eleazar the priest and before all the congregation. And he laid his hands upon him and gave him a charge, even as the LORD commanded by the hand of Moses.

Re-run, slightly reworded, again.

Numbers 28

Inheritance laws, again, again. Fuck.

Who cares?

This passage literally said nothing.

Numbers 29

And in the seventh month, on the first of the month, you shall have a holy convocation. You shall do no laboring work. It is a day of blowing the trumpets to you. And you shall prepare a burnt offering for a sweet savor to the LORD: one young bull, one ram, seven lambs of the first year without blemish. And their food offering shall be flour mixed with oil, three tenth parts for a bull, two tenth parts for a ram, and one tenth part for one lamb, for the seven lambs, and one kid of the goats for a sin offering to make an atonement for you; besides the burnt offering of the month, and its food offering, and the daily burnt offering, and its food offering, and their drink offerings, according to their ordinance, for a sweet savor, a fire offering to the LORD. And you shall have a holy convocation on the tenth of this seventh month. And you shall afflict your souls. You shall not do any work. But you shall offer a burnt offering to the LORD for a sweet savor: one young bull, one ram, seven lambs of the first year. They shall be to you without blemish. And their food offering shall be flour mixed with oil, three tenth parts to a bull, two tenth parts to one ram, one tenth part for the one lamb, for the seven lambs; one kid of the goats for a sin offering, besides the sin offering of atonement and the continual burnt offering and the food offering of it, and their drink offerings.

NOT FUCKING AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

And on the fifteenth day of the seventh month you shall have a holy convocation. You shall do no laboring work, and you shall keep a feast to the LORD seven days. And you shall offer a burnt offering, a fire offering, of a sweet savor to the LORD: thirteen young bulls, two rams, fourteen lambs of the first year. They shall be without blemish. And their food offering shall be flour, mixed with oil, three tenth parts to every bull of the thirteen bulls, two tenth parts to each ram of the two rams, and one tenth part to each lamb of the fourteen lambs; and one kid of the goats for a sin offering, besides the continual burnt offering, its food offering, and its drink offering. And on the second day you shall offer twelve young bulls, two rams, fourteen lambs of the first year without spot; and their food offering and their drink offerings for the bulls, for the rams, and for the lambs, shall be according to their number, according to the law; and one kid of the goats for a sin offering, besides the continual burnt offering and its food offering, and their drink offerings. And on the third day eleven bulls, two rams, fourteen lambs of the first year without blemish. And their food offering and their drink offerings for the bulls, for the rams, and for the lambs, shall be according to their number, according to the law; and one goat for a sin offering, besides the continual burnt offering and its food offering and its drink offering. And on the fourth day ten bulls, two rams, fourteen lambs of the first year without blemish. Their food offering and their drink offerings for the bulls, for the rams, and for the lambs, shall be according to their number, according to the law; and one kid of the goats for a sin offering, besides the continual burnt offering, its food offering, and its drink offering. And on the fifth day nine bulls, two rams, fourteen lambs of the first year without spot. And their food offering and their drink offerings for the bulls, for the rams, and for the lambs, shall be according to their number, according to the law; and one goat for a sin offering, besides the continual burnt offering and its food offering and its drink offering. And on the sixth day eight bulls, two rams, fourteen lambs of the first year without blemish; and their food offering and their drink offerings for the bulls, for the rams, for the lambs, shall be according to their number, according to the law; and one goat for a sin offering, besides the continual burnt offering, its food offering, and its drink offering. And on the seventh day seven bulls, two rams, and fourteen lambs of the first year without blemish; and their food offering and their drink offerings for the bulls, for the rams, and for the lambs, shall be according to their number, according to the law; and one goat for a sin offering, besides the continual burnt offering, its food offering, and its drink offering. On the eighth day you shall have a solemn assembly. You shall do no laboring work. But you shall offer a burnt offering, a fire offering of a sweet savor to the LORD: one bull, one ram, seven lambs of the first year without blemish; their food offering and their drink offerings for the bull, for the ram, and for the lambs, according to their number, according to the law; and one goat for a sin offering, besides the continual burnt offering, and its food offering and its drink offering. You shall prepare these to the LORD in your appointed seasons, besides your vows and your free-will offerings, for your burnt offerings, and for your food offerings, and for your drink offerings, and for your peace offerings. And Moses told the sons of Israel according to all that the LORD commanded Moses.

You have to be fucking kidding me, again? How fucking dense were these people?

Numbers 30

And Moses spoke to the heads of the tribes concerning the sons of Israel, saying, This is the thing which the LORD has commanded: If a man vows a vow to the LORD, or swears an oath to bind his soul with a bond, he shall not break his word. He shall do according to all that comes out of his mouth.

Don’t lie, yet again.

If a woman also vows a vow to the LORD, and binds herself by a bond, being in her father’s house in her youth, and if her father hears her vow and her bond with which she has bound her soul, and if her father is silent as to her, then all her vows shall stand, and every bond with which she has bound her soul shall stand. But if her father does not allow her in the day that he hears, not any of her vows or of her bonds with which she has bound her soul shall stand. And the LORD shall forgive her because her father did not allow her. And if she had a husband when she vowed, or if she said anything rash out of her lips with which she bound her soul, and if her husband heard and is silent as to her in the day that he heard, then her vows shall stand, and her bonds with which she bound her soul shall stand. But if her husband did not allow her on the day that he heard it, then he shall make her vow which she vowed, and that which she uttered with her lips, with which she bound her soul, of no effect. And the LORD shall forgive her. But every vow of a widow and of her who is divorced, all which she has bound on her soul shall stand against her. And if she vowed in her husband’s house, or bound her soul by a bond with an oath, and if her husband heard and is silent as to her, and did not forbid her, then all her vows shall stand, and every bond with which she bound her soul shall stand. But if her husband has certainly broken them on the day he heard, whatever comes out of her lips concerning her vows or concerning the bond of her soul, shall not stand. Her husband has broken them. And the LORD shall forgive her. Every vow and every binding oath to afflict the soul, her husband may establish it, or her husband may break it. But if her husband is altogether silent as to her from day to day, then he establishes all her vows or all her bonds which are on her. He confirms them, because he was silent as to her in the day that he heard. But if he at all breaks them after he has heard, then he has borne her iniquity. These are the statutes which the LORD commanded Moses, between a man and his wife, between the father and his daughter in her youth in her father’s house.

It is passages like this that make me shocked any woman would want to be part of any religion based on this book. Women have no choice. It is all up to the father and husband. You are at the same level as property.

Numbers 31

And the LORD spoke to Moses saying, Avenge the sons of Israel from the Midianites. Afterward you shall be gathered to your people. And Moses spoke to the people saying, Arm some of yourselves to the war, and let them go against the Midianites, and avenge the LORD on Midian. You shall send to the war a thousand from every tribe, throughout all the tribes of Israel. So there were delivered out of the thousands of Israel, a thousand of every tribe, twelve thousand armed for war. And Moses sent them to the war, a thousand of every tribe. He sent them and Phinehas the son of Eleazar the priest, to the war, with the holy instruments and the trumpets to blow in his hand.

War march, I hope something happens soon.

And they warred against the Midianites, as the LORD commanded Moses. And they killed all the males. And they killed the kings of Midian, besides the rest of their slain: Evi, and Rekem, and Zur, and Hur, and Reba, five kings of Midian. They also killed Balaam the son of Beor with the sword. And the sons of Israel took all the women of Midian captive, and their little ones, and the spoil of all their cattle, and all their flocks, and all their goods. And they burned with fire all their cities, their homes, and all their towers. And they took all the spoil and all the prey of men and animals. And they brought the captives, and the prey, and the spoil, to Moses and to Eleazar the priest, and to the congregation of the sons of Israel, to the camp at the plains of Moab, which are beside Jordan, at Jericho.

These are horrible people. Kill all the men, capture all the women and children, and their flocks, steal all of their goods, THEN burn the cities.

And Moses and Eleazar the priest, and all the rulers of the congregation, went forth to meet them outside the camp. And Moses was angry with the officers of the army, the captains over thousands and captains over hundreds, who came from the battle. And Moses said to them, Have you saved all the women alive? Behold, these caused the sons of Israel, through the counsel of Balaam, to commit sin against the LORD in the matter of Peor, and the plague was on the congregation of the LORD. And now kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that has known man by lying with him. But all the female children that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves. And stay outside the camp seven days. Whosoever has killed any person, and whoever has touched any dead one, purify yourselves and your captives on the third day and on the seventh day. And purify all clothing, and all that is made of skin, and all work of goats’ hair, and all things made of wood. And Eleazar the priest said to the men of war who went to battle, This is the ordinance of the law which the LORD commanded Moses. Only the gold and the silver, the bronze, the iron, the tin, and the lead, everything that can stand the fire, you shall make go through the fire, and it shall be clean. Only it shall be purified with the water of separation. And all that cannot stand the fire you shall make go through the water. And you shall wash your clothes on the seventh day, and you shall be clean, and afterwards you shall come into the camp.

Holy Fucking Shit. I didn’t think it could get worse. Moses is ANGRY they didn’t kill all the males, and non-virgin women. You have to kill all of them, except the virgin girls, which I assume you will use as sex slaves. This is THE worst passage I have ever read. You killed all these people, wash up, and your sins are forgiven. Soul crushing.

And the LORD spoke to Moses saying, Count the prey that was taken of man and of animal, you and Eleazar the priest and the heads of the fathers of the congregation. And divide the prey into two parts: between those skilled in the battle, who went out to war, and between all the congregation. And levy a tax for the LORD from the men of war who went out to battle: one soul of five hundred, of the persons and of the beeves, and of the asses, and of the flock. Take from their half and give it to Eleazar the priest, a heave offering to the LORD. And from the sons of Israel’s half you shall take one portion of fifty, of the persons, of the beeves, of the asses, of the flocks, of all kinds of animals, and give them to the Levites who keep the charge of the tabernacle of the LORD. And Moses and Eleazar the priest did as the LORD commanded Moses. And the prize, the rest of the spoil which the men of war had captured, was six hundred and seventy-five thousand sheep, seventy-two thousand beef cattle, sixty-one thousand asses, and thirty-two thousand persons in all, of women that had not known a man by lying with a male. And the half, the portion of those who went out to war, the number of the flock was three hundred thirty-seven thousand, five hundred; and the LORD’s tax of the sheep was six hundred and seventy-five. And the beef cattle were thirty-six thousand, of which the LORD’s tax was seventy-two. And the asses, thirty thousand, five hundred, of which the LORD’s tax was sixty-one. And the persons were sixteen thousand, of which the LORD’s tax was thirty-two persons. And Moses gave the tax, the LORD’s heave offering, to Eleazar the priest, as the LORD commanded Moses. And of the sons of Israel’s half, which Moses divided from the men who warred; even the congregation’s half was three hundred thirty-seven thousand, five hundred sheep, and thirty-six thousand beef cattle, and thirty thousand and five hundred asses, and sixteen thousand persons; even of the sons of Israel’s half, Moses took one portion in fifty, of man and of animal, and gave them to the Levites who kept the charge of the tabernacle of the LORD, –even as the LORD commanded Moses.

The absurd numbers above describe the spoils of war. I like how the 16,000 virgins are mentioned along with sheep and asses, they are just pieces of meat.

And the officers who were over thousands of the army, over the captains of thousands and captains of hundreds, came near Moses. And they said to Moses, Your servants have counted the men of war who are under our charge, and there is not one man of us lacking. And we bring an offering for the LORD, what every man has found, of jewels of gold, chains, and bracelets, rings, earrings, and tablets, to make an atonement for our souls before the LORD. And Moses and Eleazar the priest took the gold from them, all crafted things. And all the gold of the offering that they offered up to the LORD, of the commanders of thousands, and of the commanders of hundreds, was sixteen thousand, seven hundred and fifty shekels. For the men of war had taken spoil, every man for himself. And Moses and Eleazar the priest took the gold of the commanders of thousands and of hundreds, and brought it into the tabernacle of the congregation, for a memorial for the sons of Israel before the LORD.

Fuck, nothing new here.

Numbers 32

And the sons of Reuben and the sons of Gad had a very great multitude of cattle. And when they saw the land of Jazer, and the land of Gilead, behold, the place was a place for cattle. And the sons of Gad and the sons of Reuben came and spoke to Moses and to Eleazar the priest, and to the rulers of the congregation, saying, Ataroth, and Dibon, and Jazer, and Nimrah, and Heshbon, and Elealeh, and Shebam, and Nebo, and Beon, the land which the LORD struck before the congregation of Israel, is a land for cattle, and your servants have cattle. And, they said, If we have found grace in your sight, let this land be given to your servants for a possession; do not bring us over Jordan. And Moses said to the sons of Gad and to the sons of Reuben, Shall your brothers go to war, and shall you sit here? And why do you break the heart of the sons of Israel from going over into the land which the LORD has given them? So your fathers did when I sent them from Kadesh-barnea to see the land. For when they went up into the valley of Eshcol and saw the land, they broke the hearts of the sons of Israel, so that they should not go into the land which the LORD had given them. And the LORD’s anger was kindled the same time, and He swore, saying, Surely, none of the men that came up out of Egypt, from twenty years old and up, shall see the land which I swore to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, because they have not fully followed Me, except Caleb the son of Jephunneh, the Kenezite, and Joshua the son of Nun, for they have fully followed the LORD. And the LORD’s anger was kindled against Israel, and He made them wander in the wilderness forty years until all the generation which had done evil in the sight of the LORD was destroyed. And behold, you are risen up in your fathers’ stead, an increase of sinful men, to add still more to the fierce anger of the LORD toward Israel. For if you turn away from after Him, He will yet again leave them in the wilderness. And you shall destroy all this people.

Rephrased, yet, fucking, again.

And they came near to him and said, We will build sheepfolds here for our cattle, and cities for our little ones, but we ourselves will go ready armed before the sons of Israel until we have brought them to their place. And our little ones shall live in the fenced cities because of those who live in the land. We will not return to our houses until the sons of Israel have inherited every man his inheritance. For we will not inherit with them on the other side of Jordan, or forward, because our inheritance has fallen to us on this side of Jordan, eastward. And Moses said to them, If you will do this thing, if you will go armed before the LORD to war, and all of you will go armed over Jordan before the LORD until He has driven out His enemies from before Him, and the land is subdued before the LORD, then afterwards you shall return and be guiltless before the LORD and before Israel. And this land shall be your possession before the LORD. But if you will not do so, behold, you have sinned against the LORD. And be sure your sin will find you out. Build cities for your little ones and folds for your sheep, and do that which has come out of your mouth. And the sons of Gad and the sons of Reuben spoke to Moses saying, Your servants will do as my lord commands. Our little ones, our wives, our flocks, and all our cattle, shall be there in the cities of Gilead. But your servants will go over, every man armed for war, before the LORD to battle, as my lord says.

Who cares?

So regarding them Moses commanded Eleazar the priest, and Joshua the son of Nun, and the chief fathers of the tribes of the sons of Israel. And Moses said to them, If the sons of Gad and the sons of Reuben will go with you over Jordan, each armed to battle before the LORD, and the land shall be humbled before you, then you shall give them the land of Gilead for a possession. But if they will not go over with you armed, they shall have possessions among you in the land of Canaan. And the sons of Gad and the sons of Reuben answered, saying, As the LORD has said to your servants, so we will do. We will go over armed before the LORD into the land of Canaan, so that the possession of our inheritance on this side Jordan may be ours. And Moses gave to them, to the sons of Gad and to the sons of Reuben, and to the half the tribe of Manasseh the son of Joseph, the kingdom of Sihon king of the Amorites, and the kingdom of Og king of Bashan, the land with its cities in the borders, the cities of the land all around. And the sons of Gad built Dibon and Ataroth and Aroer, and Atroth, Shophan, and Jaazer, and Jogbehah, and Beth-nimrah, and Beth-haran, fortified cities. And they built folds for sheep. And the sons of Reuben built Heshbon, and Elealeh, and Kirjath-aim, and Nebo, and Baal-meon (their names being changed) and Sibmah, and they gave other names to the cities which they built. And the sons of Machir the son of Manasseh went to Gilead and took it, and put out the Amorite who was in it. And Moses gave Gilead to Machir the son of Manasseh, and he lived in it. And Jair the son of Manasseh went and took the small towns of it, and called them Havoth-jair. And Nobah went and took Kenath and its villages, and called it Nobah after his own name.

Bunch of unpronounceable names of people who probably didn’t exist.

Numbers 33

These are the journeys of the sons of Israel, who went forth out of the land of Egypt with their armies under the hand of Moses and Aaron. And Moses wrote their goings out according to their journeys by the command of the LORD. And these are their journeys according to their starting-places. And they pulled up from Rameses in the first month, on the fifteenth day of the first month. On the next day after the Passover the sons of Israel went out with a high hand in the sight of all the Egyptians. For the Egyptians buried all their first-born whom the LORD had stricken among them. The LORD also executed judgments upon their gods. And the sons of Israel pulled up from Rameses and pitched in Succoth. And they pulled up from Succoth and pitched in Etham, in the edge of the wilderness. And they pulled up from Etham and turned again to Pihahiroth which is in front of Baal-zephon. And they pitched in front of Migdol. And they pulled up from before Pihahiroth and passed through the middle of the Sea into the wilderness, and went three days’ journey in the wilderness of Etham, and pitched in Marah. And they pulled up from Marah and came to Elim. And in Elim were twelve fountains of water, and seventy palm trees. And they pitched there. And they pulled up from Elim and pitched by the Red Sea. And they pulled up from the Red Sea and pitched in the wilderness of Sin. And they pulled up from of the wilderness of Sin and pitched in Dophkah. And they pulled up from Dophkah and pitched in Alush. And they pulled up from Alush and pitched at Rephidim, where there was no water for the people to drink. And they pulled up from Rephidim and pitched in the wilderness of Sinai. And they pulled up from the wilderness of Sinai and pitched at Kibroth-hattaavah. And they pulled up from Kibroth-hattaavah and pitched at Hazeroth. And they pulled up from Hazeroth and pitched in Rithmah. And they pulled up from Rithmah and pitched at Rimmon-parez. And they pulled up from Rimmon-parez and pitched in Libnah. And they pulled up from Libnah and pitched at Rissah. And they pulled up stakes from Rissah and pitched in the Meeting Place. And they pulled up from Kehelathah and pitched in Mount Shapher. And they pulled up from Mount Shapher and pitched in Haradah. And they pulled up from Haradah and pitched in Makheloth And they pulled up from Makheloth and pitched at Tahath. And they pulled up from Tahath and pitched at Tarah. And they pulled up from Tarah and pitched in Mithcah. And they pulled up from Mithcah and pitched in Hashmonah. And they pulled up from Hashmonah and pitched at Moseroth. And they pulled up from Moseroth and pitched in Bene-jaakan. And they pulled up from Bene-jaakan and pitched at the Hole of the Cleft. And they pulled up from the Hole of the Cleft and pitched in Jotbathah. And they pulled up from Jotbathah and pitched at Ebronah. And they pulled up from Ebronah and pitched at Ezion-geber. And they pulled up from Ezion-geber and pitched in the wilderness of Zin, which is Kadesh. And they pulled up from Kadesh and pitched in Mount Hor, in the edge of the land of Edom. And Aaron the priest went up to Mount Hor at the command of the LORD and died there, in the fortieth year after the sons of Israel had come up out of the land of Egypt, in the first of the fifth month. And Aaron was a hundred and twenty-three years old when he died in Mount Hor. And king Arad the Canaanite, who lived in the south in the land of Canaan, heard of the coming of the sons of Israel. And they pulled up from Mount Hor and pitched in Zalmonah. And they pulled up from Zalmonah and pitched in Punon. And they pulled up from Punon and pitched in Oboth. And they pulled up from Oboth and pitched in Ije-abarim, in the border of Moab. And they pulled up from Iim and pitched in Dibon-gad. And they pulled up from Dibon-gad and pitched in Almon-diblathaim. And they pulled up from Almon-diblathaim and pitched in the mountains of Abarim, before Nebo. And they pulled up from the mountains of Abarim and pitched in the plains of Moab by Jordan at Jericho. And they pitched by Jordan, from The House of Deserts to The Meadow of Acacias in the plains of Moab.

Yep, skimmed the whole passage there. It is like watching a slide show, with the same photo over and over and over.

And the LORD spoke to Moses in the plains of Moab beside Jordan, at Jericho, saying, Speak to the sons of Israel and say to them, When you have passed over Jordan into the land of Canaan, then you shall drive out all those who live in the land from before you, and destroy all their carved images, and destroy all their molded images and pluck down all their high places. And you shall possess the land, and live in it. For I have given you the land to possess it. And you shall divide the land by lot by your families. And you shall give the more inheritance to the many; to the few you shall give the less inheritance. Wherever the lot falls out to him; according to the tribes of your fathers you shall inherit. But if you will not drive out the people of the land from before you, then it will be, those of them whom you let remain shall be goads in your eyes and thorns in your sides, and they shall trouble you in the land in which you live. And it shall be, as I thought to do to them, so I shall do to you.

This is like the 20th time I have read a paragraph like this. Move…it…the…fuck…along. Were you paid by the fucking word?

Numbers 34

And the LORD spoke to Moses saying, Command the sons of Israel and say to them: When you come into the land of Canaan, this is the land that shall fall to you for an inheritance, the land of Canaan with its borders. And your south quarter shall be from the wilderness of Zin along by the border of Edom, and your south border shall be the furthest coast of the Salt Sea eastward. And your border shall turn from the south to the ascent of Akrabbim and pass on to Zin. And its limit shall be from the south to Kadesh-barnea, and shall go on to Hazar-addar, and pass on to Azmon. And the border shall turn from Azmon to the torrent of Egypt, and the end of it shall be at the sea. And for the western border, you shall even have the Great Sea for a border. This shall be your west border. And this shall be your northern border. From the Great Sea you shall point out for you Mount Hor. From Mount Hor you shall point your border to the entrance of Hamath. And the end of the border shall be at Zedad. And the border shall go on to Ziphron, and the end of it shall be at Hazar-enan. This shall be your north border. And you shall point out your east border from Hazar-enan to Shepham. And the coast shall go down from Shepham to Riblah, on the east side of Ain. And the border shall go down, and shall reach to the side of the Sea of Chinnereth eastward. And the border shall go down to Jordan, and the end of it shall be at the Salt Sea. This shall be your land with the borders of it all around. And Moses commanded the sons of Israel saying, This is the land which you shall inherit by lot, which the LORD commanded to give to the nine tribes and to the half tribe. For the tribe of the sons of Reuben according to the house of their fathers, and the tribe of the sons of Gad according to the house of their fathers. And half the tribe of Manasseh have received their inheritance. The two tribes and the half tribe have received their inheritance on this side Jordan at Jericho eastward, toward the sunrise.

A fucking map would covey what was written here in about 2 seconds. Show, don’t tell.

And the LORD spoke to Moses saying, These are the names of the men who shall divide the land to you: Eleazar the priest and Joshua the son of Nun. And you shall take one ruler from every tribe, to divide the land by inheritance. And the names of the men are these. Of the tribe of Judah, Caleb the son of Jephunneh. And of the tribe of the sons of Simeon, Shemuel the son of Ammihud. And of the tribe of Benjamin, Elidad the son of Chislon. And the ruler of the tribe of the sons of Dan, Bukki the son of Jogli. The ruler of the sons of Joseph, for the tribe of the sons of Manasseh, Hanniel the son of Ephod. And the ruler of the tribe of the sons of Ephraim, Kemuel the son of Shiphtan. And the ruler of the tribe of the sons of Zebulun, Elizaphan the son of Parnach. And the ruler of the tribe of the sons of Issachar, Paltiel, the son of Azzan. And the ruler of the tribe of the sons of Asher, Ahihud the son of Shelomi. And the ruler of the tribe of the sons of Naphtali, Pedahel the son of Ammihud. These are the ones to whom the LORD commanded to divide the inheritance to the sons of Israel in the land of Canaan.

Fuck, we get it. These are the same fucking names you have been spewing for fucking hours.

Numbers 35

And the LORD spoke to Moses in the plains of Moab beside Jordan, at Jericho, saying, Command the sons of Israel that they give to the Levites, from the land of their possessions cities to live in. And you shall give to the Levites suburbs for the cities all around them. And they shall have the cities to live in. And their open lands shall be for their cattle, and for their goods, and for all their animals. And the open lands of the cities which you shall give to the Levites shall reach from the wall of the city and outward a thousand cubits all around. And you shall measure from outside the city on the east side two thousand cubits, and on the south side two thousand cubits, and on the west side two thousand cubits, and on the north side two thousand cubits. And the city shall be in the middle. This shall be to them the open land of the cities. And among the cities which you shall give to the Levites there shall be six cities for refuge, which you shall appoint for the manslayer, so that he may flee there. And you shall add forty-two cities to them. All the cities which you shall give to the Levites, forty-eight cities. You shall give them with their open land. And the cities which you shall give shall be of the possessions of the sons of Israel. You shall give many from those who have many. But from those who have few you shall give few. Everyone shall give of his cities to the Levites according to his inheritance which he inherits.

Build 48 identical cities and give them to the Levites.

And the LORD spoke to Moses saying, Speak to the sons of Israel and say to them, When you have come over Jordan into the land of Canaan, then you shall choose cities to be cities of refuge for you, so that the slayer who kills any person through error may flee there. And they shall be to you cities for refuge from the avenger, so that the manslayer does not die until he stands before the congregation in judgment. And of those cities which you shall give, you shall have six cities for refuge. You shall give three cities on this side Jordan, and you shall give three cities in the land of Canaan to be cities of refuge. These six cities shall be a refuge for the sons of Israel, and for the stranger, and for anyone who stays among them, so that everyone who kills any person through error may flee there. And if he strikes him with an instrument of iron, so that he dies, he is a murderer. The murderer shall surely be put to death. And if he strikes him by throwing a stone, with which he may die, and if he dies, he is a murderer. The murderer shall surely be put to death. Or if he strikes him with a hand weapon of wood, with which he may die, and if he dies, he is a murderer. The murderer shall surely be put to death. The revenger of blood himself shall kill the murderer. When he meets him, he shall kill him. And if he stabs him from hatred, or hurls at him by lying in wait, so that he dies, or in hatred strikes him with his hand so that he dies, he who struck him shall surely he put to death. He is a murderer. The revenger of blood will kill the murderer when he meets him. But if he thrusts him suddenly without hatred, or has thrown something on him without lying in wait, or with any stone with which a man may die if he does not see, and throws it upon him so that he dies, and was not his enemy, neither sought his harm, then the congregation shall judge between the one who kills and the revenger of blood according to these judgments. And the congregation shall deliver the one who kills out of the hand of the revenger of blood. And the congregation shall send him back to the city of his refuge, to which he had fled. And he shall stay in it until the death of the high priest who was anointed with the holy oil. But if the one who killed shall at any time come outside the border of the city of his refuge to which he had fled, and if the avenger of blood finds him outside the borders of the city of his refuge, and if the avenger of blood kills the slayer, he shall not be guilty of blood, because he should have remained in the city of his refuge until the death of the high priest. But after the death of the high priest the one who killed shall return to the land of his possession. So these things shall be for a statute of judgment to you throughout your generations in all your dwellings. Whoever kills any person, the murderer shall be put to death by the mouth of witnesses. But one witness shall not testify against any person to cause him to die. And you shall take no ransom for the life of a murderer who is guilty of death. But he shall surely be put to death. And you shall take no ransom for him who has fled to the city of his refuge, to return to live in the land until the death of the high priest. So you shall not defile the land in which you are. For blood defiles the land. And the land cannot be cleansed of the blood that is shed in it, except by the blood of him that shed it. So do not defile the land which you shall inhabit, in which I dwell. For I the LORD dwell among the sons of Israel.

Most redundant passage ever written. Yes, we fucking understand. Kill someone and be killed.

Numbers 36

And the chief fathers of the families of the sons of Gilead, the son of Machir, the son of Manasseh, of the families of the sons of Joseph, came near and spoke before Moses, and before the rulers, the chief fathers of the sons of Israel. And they said, The LORD commanded my lord to give the land for an inheritance by lot to the sons of Israel. And my lord was commanded by the LORD to give the inheritance of Zelophehad our brother to his daughters. And if they are married to any of the sons of the tribes of the sons of Israel, then shall their inheritance be taken from the inheritance of our fathers and shall be put to the inheritance of the tribe to which they are received. So it shall be taken from the lot of our inheritance. And when the jubilee of the sons of Israel shall come, then their inheritance shall be put to the inheritance of the tribe into which they are received. So their inheritance shall be taken away from the inheritance of the tribe of our fathers.

Even more inheritance laws.

And Moses commanded the sons of Israel according to the word of the LORD saying, The tribe of the sons of Joseph has said well. This is the thing which the LORD commands concerning the daughters of Zelophehad, saying, Let them marry to whom they think best. Only they shall marry into the family of the tribe of their father. So the inheritance of the sons of Israel shall not be moved from tribe to tribe. For every one of the sons of Israel shall keep himself to the inheritance of the tribe of his fathers. And every daughter that possesses an inheritance in any tribe of the sons of Israel shall become a wife to one of the family of the tribe of her father, so that the sons of Israel may each one enjoy the inheritance of his fathers. And the inheritance shall not move from one tribe to another tribe. But every one of the tribes of the sons of Israel shall keep himself to his own inheritance. Even as the LORD commanded Moses, so the daughters of Zelophehad did. For Mahlah, Tirzah, and Hoglah, and Milcah, and Noah, the daughters of Zelophehad, were married to their father’s brothers’ sons. They were married into the families of the sons of Manasseh the son of Joseph, and their inheritance remained in the tribe of the family of their father. These are the commandments and the judgments which the LORD commanded by the hand of Moses to the sons of Israel in the plains of Moab beside Jordan, at Jericho.

Inheritance laws, combined in geneolgy.

At this point, I would love to have a witty remark about this book of the Bible, which is now done, but, I have to be honest. Reading this piece of shit that passes as ‘timeless’ literature is totally soul crushing. Endless parades of fucking numbers, counting, boasting, counting again, whining, counting, fuck me, it’s horrible. The morals of the people who wrote this are sick as fuck and there is no way anything written here was inspired by a god. It does not even count as decent fiction. It is boring, repetetive, and lacks any plot, at all. It reads like a combination of inheritance laws, grocery store receipt, and snuff pornography. Just try to read everything above word by fucking word. No way ANY fundamentalist Christian has ready any of this steaming horseshit.

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