Joshua

Joshua 1

And it happened after the death of Moses the servant of the LORD, the LORD spoke to Joshua the son of Nun, Moses’ minister, saying, My servant Moses is dead. Now, therefore, arise, go over this Jordan, you and all this people to the land which I give to them, to the sons of Israel. Every place that the sole of your foot shall tread upon, I have given that to you, as I said to Moses. From the wilderness and this Lebanon even to the great river, the river Euphrates, all the land of the Hittites, and to the Great Sea toward the going down of the sun, shall be your border. No man shall be able to stand before you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not fail you nor forsake you. Be strong and of good courage. For you shall divide for an inheritance to this people, the land which I swore to their fathers, to give it to them. Only be strong and very courageous so that you may be careful to do according to all the law which My servant Moses commanded you. Do not turn from it to the right or to the left, so that you may act wisely wherever you go. This book of the law shall not depart out of your mouth, but you shall meditate on it by day and by night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you shall make your way prosperous, and then you shall act wisely. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage. Do not be afraid, neither be dismayed. For the LORD your God is with you in all places where you go.

Fuck, you want your followers to read this book over and over, day and night. What a waste of human effort.

Then Joshua commanded the officers of the people saying, Pass through the host, and command the people, saying, Prepare food for yourselves, for within three days you are crossing over this Jordan, to go in to possess the land which the LORD your God is giving you to possess it. And Joshua spoke to the Reubenites and to the Gadites and to half the tribe of Manasseh, saying: Remember the word which Moses the servant of the LORD commanded you saying, The LORD your God has given you rest and has given you this land. Your wives, your little ones, and your cattle shall remain in the land which Moses gave you on this side Jordan. But you shall go armed before your brothers, all the mighty men of valor, and help them until the LORD has given your brothers rest, even as you, and they also have possessed the land which the LORD your God gives them; and you shall return to the land of your possession and enjoy it, which Moses the LORD’s servant gave you on this side Jordan, towards the sunrise.

So many words to say let’s get going.

And they answered Joshua, saying: We will do all that you command us, and wherever you send us we will go. Just as we listened to Moses in all things, so we will listen to you. Only may the LORD your God be with you as He was with Moses. Whoever rebels against your command and will not listen to your words in all that you command him, he shall be put to death. Only be strong and of a good courage.

After 40 years, they should be chomping at the bit.

Joshua 2

And Joshua the son of Nun sent out of Shittim two men to spy secretly, saying, Go look over the land, even Jericho. And they went and came to the house of a harlot named Rahab. And they stayed there. And the king of Jericho was told about it, saying, Behold, men from the sons of Israel came in here tonight, to search out the country. And the king of Jericho sent to Rahab, saying, Bring out the men that have come to you, those who have entered into your house. For they have come to search out all the country. And the woman took the two men and hid them. And she said, Two men came to me, but I did not know from where they came. And it happened when it was dark, at the time of shutting the gate, the men went out. Where the men went I do not know. Go after them quickly, for you shall overtake them. But she had brought them up on the roof, and had hidden them with the stalks of flax which she had laid in order upon the roof. And the men went after them on the way to Jordan, to the fords. And when they who pursued them had gone out, they shut the gate.

Hide on the whore’s roof. Smartest person in the Bible so far.

And before they had laid down, she came up to them on the roof. And she said to the men, I know that the LORD has given you the land, and that your terror has fallen on us, and that all those who live in the land faint because of you. For we have heard how the LORD dried up the water of the Red Sea for you when you came out of Egypt, and what you did to the two kings of the Amorites that were on the other side Jordan, Sihon and Og, whom you utterly destroyed. And we had heard, and our hearts melted, nor did any more spirit remain in any man, because of you. For the LORD your God, He is God in Heaven above and in earth beneath. Now therefore, I pray you, swear to me by the LORD, since I have dealt with you in kindness, that you will also deal with kindness to my father’s house. And give me a true token, and shall save alive my father and my mother, and my brothers and my sisters, and all that they have, and deliver our lives from death. And the men answered her, Our life shall be for yours, if you do not tell our business. And when the LORD has given us the land, we will deal kindly and truly with you. Then she let them go down by a cord through the window. For her house was on the town wall, and she lived on the wall. And she said to them, Get up into the mountain lest the pursuers meet you. And hide yourselves there three days until the pursuers have returned. And afterward you may go your way. And the men said to her, We will be blameless of this oath to you which you have made us swear. Behold, when we come into the land, you shall set this line of scarlet thread in the window from which you let us down. And you shall bring your father and your mother, and your brothers, and all your father’s household, home to you. And it shall be, whoever shall go out of the doors of your house, his blood shall be on his head, and we will be blameless. And whoever shall be with you in the house, his blood shall be on our head if a hand is on him. And if you tell our business, then we will be free of the oath which you have made us swear to you. And she said, Let it be according to your word. And she sent them away, and they departed. And she set the scarlet line in the window.

And they went and came to the mountain, and stayed there three days until the pursuers them had returned. And the pursuers looked for them throughout all the way, but did not find them. And the two men returned. And came down from the mountain, and passed over, and came to Joshua the son of Nun. And they told him all that happened to them. And they said to Joshua, Truly the LORD has delivered all the land into our hands, for even all those who live in the country faint because of us.

So everyone is scared shitless at your reputation.

Joshua 3

And Joshua rose early in the morning. And they moved from Shittim and came to Jordan, he and all the sons of Israel, and lodged there before they passed over. And it happened after three days the officers went through the host. And they commanded the people saying, When you see the ark of the covenant of the LORD your God, and the priests the Levites bearing it, then you shall move from your place and go after it. Yet keep a space between you and it, about two thousand cubits by measure. Do not come near it, so that you may know the way by which you must go. For you have not passed this way before now. And Joshua said to the people, Sanctify yourselves, for tomorrow the LORD will do wonders among you. And Joshua spoke to the priests saying, Take up the ark of the covenant and pass over before the people. And they took up the ark of the covenant and went before the people.

2,000 cubits is a pretty damn far, over half a mile or around a kilometer. That box was dangerous.

And the LORD said to Joshua, Today, I will begin to magnify you in the sight of all Israel so that they may know that I will be with you, as I was with Moses. And you shall command the priests that carry the ark of the covenant, saying, When you have come to the brink of the water of Jordan, you shall stand still in Jordan. And Joshua said to the sons of Israel, Come here and hear the words of the LORD your God. And Joshua said, By this you shall know that the living God is among you, and He will without fail drive out from before you the Canaanites, and the Hittites, and the Hivites, and the Perizzites, and the Girgashites, and the Amorites, and the Jebusites. Behold, the ark of the covenant of the Lord of all the earth passes over before you into Jordan. And now take yourselves twelve men out of the tribes of Israel, out of every tribe a man. And it shall be, as soon as the soles of the feet of the priests that carry the ark of the LORD, the Lord of all the earth, shall rest in the waters of Jordan, the waters of Jordan shall be cut off from the waters that come down from above. And they shall stand all in a heap.

And it happened, when the people moved from their tents to pass over Jordan, and as the priests carried the ark of the covenant before the people, and as those who bore the ark had come to Jordan, and the feet of the priests that bore the ark were dipped in the edge of the water (for Jordan overflows all its banks, all the time of harvest); that the waters which came down from above stopped and rose up all in a heap, very far from the city Adam that is beside Zaretan. And those that came down toward the sea of the plain, the Salt Sea, were completely cut off. And the people passed over across from Jericho. And the priests who bore the ark of the covenant of the LORD stood firm on dry ground in the middle of Jordan. And all the Israelites passed over on dry ground, until all the people had passed completely over Jordan.

The river as a heap? Odd miracle and seems like a rerun of the parting of the Red Sea.

Joshua 4

And it happened when all the people had completely passed over the Jordan, the LORD spoke to Joshua saying, Take twelve men for you out of the people, a man out of every tribe, and command them saying, Take twelve stones from here, out of the middle of Jordan, out of the place where the priests’ feet stood firm. And you shall carry them over with you, and leave them in the place where you shall stay tonight. Then Joshua called the twelve men whom he had prepared from the sons of Israel, a man out of every tribe. And Joshua said to them, Pass over in front of the ark of the LORD your God into the middle of the Jordan. And every man take a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the sons of Israel, so that this may be a sign to you when your sons ask in time to come, saying, What do you mean by these stones? Then you shall answer them, The waters of Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD. When it passed over Jordan, the waters of Jordan were cut off, and these stones shall be for a memorial to the sons of Israel forever. And the sons of Israel did as Joshua commanded. And they took up twelve stones out of the middle of the Jordan, as the LORD spoke to Joshua, according to the number of the tribes of the sons of Israel, and carried them over with them to the place where they stayed, and laid them down there; even the twelve stones Joshua lifted up in the middle of Jordan, in the place where the feet of the priests who carried the ark of the covenant, stood. And they are there to this day.

No, the stones are not there.

For the priests who bore the ark stood in the middle of the Jordan until everything was finished, all that the LORD commanded Joshua to speak to the people, according to all that Moses commanded Joshua. And the people hurried and passed over. And it happened, when all the people had finished passing over, the ark of the LORD and the priests passed over before the people. And the sons of Reuben, and the sons of Gad, and half the tribe of Manasseh, passed over armed in front of the sons of Israel, as Moses spoke to them; about forty thousand armed men of the army passed over before the LORD to battle, to the plains of Jericho. On that day the LORD made Joshua great in the sight of all Israel. And they feared him, even as they feared Moses, all the days of his life. And the LORD spoke to Joshua, saying, Command the priests who bear the ark of the testimony, that they come up out of the Jordan. Joshua, therefore, commanded the priests saying, Come up out of the Jordan. And it happened, when the priests who carried the ark of the covenant of the LORD had come up out of the midst of the Jordan, the soles of the feet of the priests were lifted up to the dry land, the waters of the Jordan returned to their place and flowed over all its banks, as before. And the people came up out of the Jordan on the tenth of the first month, and camped in Gilgal, in the east border of Jericho.

Not likely.

And those twelve stones which they took out of the Jordan, Joshua were raised in Gilgal. And he spoke to the sons of Israel saying, When your sons shall ask their fathers in time to come, saying, What do these stones mean? Then you shall let your sons know, saying, Israel came over this Jordan on dry land. For the LORD your God dried up the waters of Jordan from before you until you had passed over, even as the LORD your God did to the Red Sea which He dried up from before us until we had gone over; so that all the people of the earth might know the hand of the LORD, is mighty and so that you might fear the LORD your God forever.

Like I said, even the scripture says this was a copy of the parting of the Red Sea. 12 stones, still not there.

Joshua 5

And it happened, when all the kings of the Amorites who were on the west side of the Jordan, and all the kings of the Canaanites who were by the sea, heard that the LORD had dried up the waters of Jordan in front of the sons of Israel until we had passed over, that their hearts melted. Neither was there spirit in them any more, because of the sons of Israel. At that time the LORD said to Joshua, Make sharp knives for yourselves and circumcise the sons of Israel again, the second time. And Joshua made sharp knives and circumcised the sons of Israel at the hill of the foreskins. And this is the reason why Joshua circumcised. All the people that came out of Egypt, the males, all the men of war, died in the wilderness by the wayside, after they came out of Egypt. For all the people who came out were circumcised. But all the people born in the wilderness by the wayside, as they came forth out of Egypt, had not been circumcised. For the sons of Israel walked forty years in the wilderness, until all the people, the men of war, who came out of Egypt, were destroyed, because they did not obey the voice of the LORD. To them the LORD swore that He would not show them the land which the LORD swore to their fathers that He would give us, a land that flows with milk and honey. And Joshua circumcised their sons, whom He raised up in their place. For they were not circumcised, because they had not been circumcised by the wayside. And it happened when they had finished circumcising all the people, they stayed in their places in the camp until they were well. And the LORD said to Joshua, Today I have rolled away the reproach of Egypt from you. Therefore, the name of the place is called Gilgal to this day.

Such obsession with foreskins in this book. Why?

And the sons of Israel camped in Gilgal and kept the Passover on the fourteenth day of the month at evening in the plains of Jericho. And they ate of the old grain of the land on the next day after the Passover, unleavened cakes and roasted grain in the same day. And the manna stopped on the next day after they had eaten the old grain of the land. And there was no more manna to the sons of Israel, but they ate the fruit of the land of Canaan that year.

End of the mythical manna.

And it happened, when Joshua was beside Jericho, he lifted up his eyes and looked. And, behold, there stood a Man in front of him with His sword drawn in His hand. And Joshua went to Him and said to Him, Are You for us, or for our foes? And He said, No, but I have come as the Commander of the army of the LORD. And Joshua fell on his face to the earth. And he worshiped and said to Him, What does my Lord say to His servant? And the Commander of the LORD’s army said to Joshua, Take your shoe off your foot, for the place on which you stand is holy. And Joshua did so.

The LORD has and needs an army? What the fuck does taking your shoe of mean?

Joshua 6

And Jericho was completely shut up because of the sons of Israel. None went out and none came in. And the LORD said to Joshua, See, I have given Jericho into your hand, and its king, and the mighty men of war. And you shall go around the city, all the men of war. Go around the city once. So you shall do for six days. And seven priests shall bear seven trumpets of ram’s horns in front of the ark. And the seventh day you shall go around the city seven times, and the priests shall blow with the trumpets. And it shall be when they make a long blast with the ram’s horn, and when you hear the sound of the trumpet, all the people shall shout with a great shout. And the wall of the city shall fall down flat, and the people shall go up, each man straight before him.

Walls will fall because of a trumpet blast…and magic.

And Joshua the son of Nun called the priests and said to them, Take up the ark of the covenant, and let seven priests carry seven ram’s horns in front of the ark of the LORD. And he said to the people, Pass on, and go around the city. And let him who is armed pass on in front of the ark of the LORD. And it happened when Joshua had spoken to the people, the seven priests bearing the seven ram’s horns passed on before the LORD and blew the ram’s horns. And the ark of the covenant of the LORD followed them. And the armed men went before the priests who blew with the ram’s horns. And the gathering army came after the ark, as the priests were going on and blowing with the ram’s horns. And Joshua had commanded the people saying, You shall not shout nor make any noise with your voice, neither shall any word come out of your mouth until the day I tell you to shout. Then you shall shout. And the ark of the LORD went around the city, going around it once. And they came into the camp and stayed in the camp. And Joshua rose early in the morning, and the priests took up the ark of the LORD. And seven priests carrying seven ram’s horns before the ark of the LORD went on without stopping and blew with the ram’s horns. And the armed men went in front of them. But the rear guard came after the ark of the LORD as the priests were going on and blowing with the ram’s horns. And the second day they went around the city once, and returned to the camp. So they did six days. And it happened on the seventh day they rose early, at the dawning of the day, and circled the city in the same way seven times. Only on that day did they go around the city seven times. And it happened, at the seventh time, when the priest blew with the ram’s horns, Joshua said to the people, Shout! For the LORD has given you the city!

Walls fell, magic.

And the city shall be devoted to the LORD, it and all in it. Only Rahab the harlot shall live, she and all with her in the house, because she hid the messengers that we sent. And you surely shall keep clear of from the cursed thing, lest you make yourselves cursed when you take of the cursed things, and make the camp of Israel a curse, and trouble it. But all the silver and gold, and vessels of bronze and iron, are devoted to the LORD. They shall come into the treasury of the LORD. And the people shouted when the priests blew with the ram’s horns. And it happened when the people heard the sound of the ram’s horns, and the people shouted with a great shout, the wall fell down flat, so that the people went up into the city, each man straight before him. And they took the city. And they completely destroyed all in the city, both man and woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the sword. And Joshua had said to the two men who had spied out the country, Go into the harlot’s house, and bring the woman out from there, and all that she has, as you swore to her. And the young men who were spies went in and brought Rahab out, and her father and her mother, and her brothers, and all that she had. And they brought out all her kindred and set them outside the camp of Israel. And they burned the city with fire, and all that was in it. Only the silver and the gold, and the vessels of bronze and iron, they put into the treasury of the house of the LORD. And Joshua saved Rahab the harlot alive, and her father’s household, and all that she had. And she lives in Israel to this day, because she hid the messengers whom Joshua sent to spy out Jericho. And Joshua charged them at that time, saying, Cursed before the LORD is the man who rises up and builds this city of Jericho. He shall lay the foundation of it in his first-born, and in his youngest son he shall set up the gates of it. And the LORD was with Joshua. And his fame was in all the country.

Murder EVERYONE, man, woman, and child, and animal, except for the Rahab the harlot. Then plunder EVERYTHING of value. I hate this sick book.

Joshua 7

But the sons of Israel committed a sin in the cursed thing. For Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, of the tribe of Judah, took of the thing which was cursed. And the anger of the LORD was kindled against the sons of Israel. And Joshua sent men from Jericho to Ai, which is beside Beth-aven, on the east side of Bethel. And he spoke to them, saying, Go up and look over the country. And the men went up and spied out Ai. And they returned to Joshua and said to him, Let not all the people go up. But let about two or three thousand men go up and strike Ai. Do not make all the people labor there, for they are few. And about three thousand men of the people went up there. And they fled before the men of Ai. And the men of Ai struck about thirty-six men of them, for they chased them from before the gate to Shebarim, and struck them in the road going down. Therefore the hearts of the people melted and became as water.

I hate indefinite pronouns. What the fuck is the ‘thing’ they took as a sin?

And Joshua tore his clothes and fell to the earth on his face before the ark of the LORD until the eventide, he and the elders of Israel, and put dust on their heads. And Joshua said, Alas, O Lord God, why have You at all brought this people over Jordan to deliver us into the hands of the Amorites, to destroy us? And, oh that we had been content and lived on the other side Jordan! O, Lord, what shall I say when Israel turns their backs before their enemies? For the Canaanites and all the inhabitants of the land shall hear, and shall surround us, and shall cut off our name from the earth. And what will You do for Your great name?

You have the largest army on earth, at this point, but you tear your clothes because the Lord because that said army pusses out?

And the LORD said to Joshua, Get up! Why do you lie on your face this way? Israel has sinned, and they have also broken My covenant which I commanded them, and have even taken of the cursed things, and have also stolen and pretended falsely. And they have even put it among their own stuff. And the sons of Israel could not stand before their enemies. They will turn their backs before their enemies, because they have become cursed. I will not be with you again, unless you destroy the one who is cursed from among you. Up! Sanctify the people and say, Sanctify yourselves for tomorrow. For thus says the LORD God of Israel, A cursed thing {is} in the midst of you, O Israel. You cannot stand before your enemies until you take away the cursed thing from among you. And in the morning, you shall be brought according to your tribes. And it shall be, the tribe which the LORD takes shall come, according to its families. And the family which the LORD shall take shall come by households. And the household which the LORD shall take shall come man by man. And it shall be, he who is taken with the cursed thing shall be burned with fire, he and all he has, because he has broken the covenant of the LORD, and because he has done wickedness in Israel.

If I am reading this correctly, during the pillaging, someone didn’t give everything to the LORD, or tax, or something?

And Joshua rose up early in the morning, and brought Israel by their tribes. And the tribe of Judah was taken. And he brought the families of Judah. And he took the family of the Zerahites. And he took the family of the Zerahites man by man. And Zabdi was taken. And he brought his household man by man. And Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, of the tribe of Judah, was taken. And Joshua said to Achan, My son, I pray you, give glory to the LORD God of Israel, and make confession to Him. And tell me now what you have done. Do not hide it from me. And Achan answered Joshua and said, Indeed I have sinned against the LORD God of Israel, and this I have done. When I saw among the spoil a goodly robe of Shinar, and two hundred shekels of silver, and a wedge of gold of fifty shekels weight, I coveted them and took them. And behold, they are hidden in the earth in the middle of my tent, and the silver under it. And Joshua sent messengers, and they ran into the tent. And behold, it was hidden in his tent, and the silver under it. And they took them out of the middle of the tent, and brought them to Joshua, and to all the sons of Israel. And they laid them out before the LORD. And Joshua, and all Israel with him, took Achan the son of Zerah, and the silver, and the garment, and the wedge of gold, and his sons, and his daughters, and his oxen, and his asses, and his sheep, and his tent, and all that he had. And they brought them to the valley of Achor. And Joshua said, Why have you troubled us? The LORD shall trouble you this day. And all Israel stoned him with stones, and burned them with fire, after they had stoned them with stones. And they raised over him a great heap of stones to this day. And the LORD turned from the greatness of His anger. Therefore, the name of that valley is called, The Valley of Grief, to this day.

So I was right.  He stole a little extra, and he was stoned AND burned for this transgression.  The endless killing, not an issue, hiding gold and silver, death.  The fuck.

Joshua 8

And the LORD said to Joshua, Do not fear, nor be dismayed. Take all the people of war with you, and arise, go up to Ai. See, I have given into your hand the king of Ai, and his people, and his city, and his land. And you shall do to Ai and its king as you did to Jericho and its king. Only its spoil and its cattle you shall take for a prize for yourselves. Lay an ambush for the city behind it.

Even the text of the Bible acknowledges this will be a repeat, down to killing EVERYONE and keeping their goods and cattle.

So Joshua and all the people of war arose to go up against Ai. And Joshua chose out thirty thousand men, mighty warriors, and sent them away by night. And he commanded them, saying, Behold, you will be an ambush against the city, behind the city. You shall not go very far from the city, but all of you be ready. And I, and all the people with me, shall go toward the city. And it shall be, when they come out against us, as at the first, we will flee before them, (for they will come out after us,) until we have drawn them out of the city. For they will say, They flee before us, even as at the first. And we will flee before them. Then you shall rise up from the ambush, and seize on the city; for the LORD your God will deliver it into your hand. And it shall be, when you have taken the city, you shall set the city on fire, according to the command of the LORD you shall do. See, I have commanded you. And Joshua sent them out. And they went to lie in ambush, and stayed between Bethel and Ai, on the west side of Ai. But Joshua stayed that night among the people. And Joshua rose up early in the morning and called up the people. And they went up, he and the elders of Israel, in the sight of the people of Ai. And all the people of war with him went up and drew near. And they came before the city, and pitched on the north side of Ai. And a valley was between them and Ai. And he took about five thousand men, and set them to lie in ambush between Bethel and Ai, on the west side of the city. And when they had set the people, all the army that was on the north of the city, and its rear ambush on the west of the city, Joshua went that night into the middle of the valley. And it happened, when the king of Ai saw, they hurried and rose up early. And the men of the city went out to do battle against Israel, he and all his people, at the time appointed, before the plain. But he did not know that there were some lying in ambush against him behind the city. And Joshua and all Israel acted as if they were beaten before them, and fled by the way of the wilderness. And all the people in Ai were called together to run after them. And they ran after Joshua, and were drawn away from the city. And there was not a man left in Ai or Bethel, who did not go after Israel. And they left the city open, and ran after Israel. And the LORD said to Joshua, Stretch out the spear in your hand toward Ai, for I will give it into your hand. And Joshua stretched out the spear in his hand toward the city. And the ambush arose quickly out of their place, and ran as soon as he had stretched out his hand. And they entered into the city, and took it, and hurried and set the city on fire. And the men of Ai looked behind them and saw. And, behold, the smoke of the city went up into the sky, and they had no power to flee this way or that way. And the people who fled to the wilderness turned back against the pursuers. And when Joshua and all Israel saw that the ambush had taken the city, and that the smoke of the city went up, then they turned again and killed the men of Ai. And the others came out of the city against them. So they were in the middle of Israel, some on this side, and some on that side. And they struck them so that they let none of them remain or escape.

Totally surrounded the city and killed all the men of Ai.

And they took the king of Ai, and brought him alive to Joshua. And it happened, when Israel had made an end of killing all those who lived in Ai, in the field and in the wilderness where they chased them, and when they had all fallen on the edge of the sword until they were gone, all the Israelites returned to Ai and struck it with the edge of the sword. And all who fell that day, both of men and women, were twelve thousand, all the men of Ai. For Joshua did not draw his hand back, with which he stretched out the spear, until he had utterly destroyed all the people of Ai. Only, Israel took the cattle and the spoil of that city for a prize for themselves, according to the word of the LORD which He commanded Joshua. And Joshua burned Ai, and made it a heap forever, a ruin to this day. And he hanged the king of Ai on a tree until evening. And as soon as the sun was down, Joshua commanded that they should take his body down from the tree and throw it down at the entrance to the gate of the city, and raise on it a great heap of stones, to this day.

Fuck me, these were a brutal people to think this was ok.  The LORD is just plain scary, kill everyone, man, woman, child, and take everything of value and hang their king from a tree and toss his corpse in front of the pile of stones.

Then Joshua built an altar to the LORD God of Israel in Mount Ebal, as Moses the servant of the LORD commanded the sons of Israel, as it is written in the book of the law of Moses, an altar of whole stones over which no man has lifted any iron. And they offered on it burnt offerings to the LORD, and sacrificed peace offerings. And he wrote there on the stones a copy of the law of Moses, which he wrote in the presence of the sons of Israel. And all Israel, and their elders and officers, and their judges, stood on this side of the ark, and on that side, before the priests the Levites who bore the ark of the covenant of the LORD, the stranger as well as the homeborn among them, half of them over against Mount Gerizim, and half of them over against Mount Ebal, as Moses the servant of the LORD had commanded before that they should bless all the people of Israel. And afterward he read all the words of the law, the blessings and cursings, according to all that is written in the book of the law. There was not a word of all that Moses commanded, which Joshua did not read before all the congregation of Israel, with the women and the little ones, and the strangers that walked among them.

Copy and paste of the commandments.  I assume the last set, with all the rules on how many grommets should be on the tents, etc.

Joshua 9

And it happened, when all the kings who were on this side Jordan, in the hills and in the valleys, and in all the coast of the great sea over against Lebanon heard, the Hittite, and the Amorite, the Canaanite, the Perizzite, the Hivite, and the Jebusite, they all, with one mind, gathered themselves to fight with Joshua and with Israel.

Makes sense, band together to fight against these maniacs.

And when those who lived in Gibeon heard what Joshua had done to Jericho and to Ai, they worked slyly. For they came and acted as if they were ambassadors. And they took old sacks on their asses, and old and torn and bound up wineskins, and old and patched sandals on their feet, and old clothes on them. And all the bread they had taken was dry and moldy. And they went to Joshua to the camp at Gilgal, and said to him and to the men of Israel, We have come from a far country. Now therefore, make a treaty with us. And the men of Israel said to the Hivites, Perhaps you are living among us, and how shall we make a treaty with you? And they said to Joshua, We are your servants. And Joshua said to them, Who are you, and from where do you come? And they said to him, Your servants have come from a very far country, because of the name of the LORD your God. For we have heard of His fame and all that He did in Egypt, and all that He did to the two kings of the Amorites who were beyond Jordan, to Sihon king of Heshbon, and to Og king of Bashan, who was at Ashtaroth. And our elders and all those who live in our country spoke to us saying, Take provisions with you for the journey, and go to meet them. Say to them, We are your servants. And now make a treaty with us. We took this bread hot for our provision out of our houses on the day we came out to go to you. But now, see, it is dry, and it is moldy. And these wineskins which we filled were new. And, see, they are torn. And these clothes and shoes of ours have become old because of the very long journey. And they received the men because of their provisions, and did not ask at the mouth of the LORD.

This is one of the most hilarious passages I have read so far.  So the Gibeon dress up like a bunch of vagrants, complete with old clothes and tattered wine skins to get a treaty with homicidal jews. And the plan looks like it is actually working, since the hebrews didn’t ask the advice of the LORD for some reason.

And Joshua made peace with them, and made a treaty with them, to let them live. And the rulers of the congregation swore to them. And it happened at the end of three days after they had made a treaty with them, they heard that they were their neighbors and that they lived among them. And the sons of Israel journeyed and came to their cities on the third day. Now their cities were Gibeon, and Chephirah, and Beeroth, and Kirjath-jearim. And the sons of Israel did not strike them, because the rulers of the congregation had sworn to them by the LORD God of Israel. And all the congregation murmured against the rulers. But all the rulers said to the congregation, We have sworn to them by the LORD God of Israel. Now, therefore, we may not touch them. This we will do to them. We will even let them live, lest wrath be on us because of the oath which we swore to them. And the rulers said to them, Let them live, but let them be woodcutters and drawers of water to all the congregation, as the rulers had promised them.

Holy shit, it actually worked!  I guess promise to god is unbreakable.  Good for the Gibeon for succeeding at this childish trick.  I would rather be a woodcutter or well keeper than dead.

And Joshua called for them, and he spoke to them, saying, Why have you fooled us saying, We are very far from you, when you dwell among us? And now you are cursed, and there shall none of you be freed from being slaves and woodcutters and drawers of water for the house of my God. And they answered Joshua and said, Because it was certainly told your servants how the LORD your God commanded His servant Moses to give you all the land, and to destroy all those who lived in the land from before you; therefore, we were very much afraid of our lives because of you, and have done this thing. And now, behold, we are in your hand. As it seems good and right to you to do to us, do it. And so he did to them, and delivered them out of the hand of the sons of Israel, so that they did not kill them. And Joshua made them that day woodcutters and drawers of water for the congregation, and for the altar of the LORD, even to this day, in the place which He should choose.

Isn’t this the exact same paragraph as the last one, slightly reworded?

Joshua 10

And it happened, when Adoni-zedek king of Jerusalem had heard how Joshua had taken Ai and had utterly destroyed it (as he had done to Jericho and its king, so he had done to Ai and its king) and how the inhabitants of Gibeon had made peace with Israel and were among them, they feared greatly, because Gibeon was a great city, like one of the royal cities, and because it was greater than Ai, and all of its men were mighty. And Adonizedek king of Jerusalem sent to Hoham king of Hebron, and to Piram king of Jarmuth, and to Japhia king of Lachish, and to Debir king of Eglon, saying, Come up to me, and help me, so that we may strike Gibeon. For it has made peace with Joshua and with the sons of Israel. And the five kings of the Amorites, the king of Jerusalem, the king of Hebron, the king of Jarmuth, the king of Lachish, the king of Eglon, gathered themselves. And they went up, they and all their armies, and camped before Gibeon, and made war against it. And the men of Gibeon sent to Joshua to the camp to Gilgal, saying, Do not withhold your hand from your servants. Come up to us quickly, and save us, and help us. For all the kings of the Amorites who dwell in the mountains have gathered against us.

All of the other tribes are ganging up on Gibeon, since they formed an alliance.  Not sure if this is a good strategy, but, let’s roll with it.

So Joshua went up from Gilgal, he and all the people of war with him, and all the mighty men of war. And the LORD said to Joshua, Do not fear them, for I have delivered them into your hands. There shall not a man of them stand before you. And Joshua came to them suddenly, coming up from Gilgal all night. And the LORD troubled them before Israel, and killed them with a great slaughter at Gibeon, and chased them along the way that goes up to Bethhoron, and struck them to Azekah, and to Makkedah. And it happened, as they fled from before Israel, and were in the descent of Bethhoron, the LORD cast down great stones from the heavens on them to Azekah, and they died. The many who died from hailstones were more than the sons of Israel killed with the sword. Then Joshua spoke to the LORD in the day when the LORD delivered up the Amorites before the sons of Israel, and he said in the sight of Israel, Sun! Stand still on Gibeon! And, moon, stand still in the valley of Aijalon! And the sun stood still, and the moon stood still, until the people had avenged themselves on their enemies. Is this not written in the Book of Jasher? And the sun stood still in the midst of the heavens, and did not hasten to go down about a whole day. And there was no day like that before it or after it, that the LORD listened to the voice of a man. For the LORD fought for Israel.

Hold the fuck on here. Why does no one mention this passage as a miracle of the Bible and how it plainly shows that this book was written by a bunch of warlike goat herders. The sun and moon stood still…so Joshua can win a battle? The LORD will halt the rotation of the Earth AND the revolution of the moon around the Earth so a little extra killing can go on?!? This is only possible in the Bible since this book was written by ignorant men, not a god. They did not realize the sun is the center of the solar system and more than just a light in the sky. This passage is absurd.

And Joshua returned, and all Israel with him, to the camp to Gilgal. But these five kings fled and hid themselves in a cave at Makkedah. And it was told to Joshua, saying, The five kings have been found hidden in a cave at Makkedah. And Joshua said, Roll great stones on the mouth of the cave, and set men by it in order to keep them. And do not stay. Pursue your enemies and strike the ones who are behind. Do not allow them to enter into their cities. For the LORD your God has delivered them into your hand. And it happened, when Joshua and the sons of Israel had made an end of killing them with a very great slaughter until they were gone, the rest of those who remained entered into fortified cities. And all the people returned in peace to the camp to Joshua at Makkedah. None moved his tongue against any of the sons of Israel. And Joshua said, Open the mouth of the cave, and bring those five kings out of the cave to me. And they did so, and brought those five kings out of the cave to him: the king of Jerusalem, the king of Hebron, the king of Jarmuth, the king of Lachish, the king of Eglon. And it happened, when they brought out those kings to Joshua, Joshua called for all the men of Israel. And he said to the commanders of the men of war who had gone with him, Draw near, set your feet on the necks of these kings. And they drew near and put their feet on their necks. And Joshua said to them, Do not fear nor be dismayed. Be strong and of good courage. For so shall the LORD do to all your enemies against whom you fight. And afterward Joshua struck them and killed them, and hanged them on five trees. And they were hanging on the trees until the evening. And it happened at the time of the going down of the sun, Joshua commanded, and they took them down off the trees and threw them into the cave in which they had been hidden, and laid great stones in the cave’s mouth, which remain until this very day.

Lock them in a cave, then murder them.

And that day Joshua took Makkedah and struck it with the edge of the sword, and he utterly destroyed the king of it, them, and every soul in it. He let none remain. And he did to the king of Makkedah as he did to the king of Jericho. And Joshua passed from Makkedah, and all Israel with him, to Libnah, and fought against Libnah. And the LORD delivered it also, and its king, into the hand of Israel. And he struck it with the edge of the sword, and every soul in it. He let none remain in it, but did to its king as he did to the king of Jericho. And Joshua passed from Libnah, and all Israel with him, to Lachish, and camped against it, and fought against it. And the LORD delivered Lachish into the hand of Israel, who took it on the second day, and struck it with the edge of the sword, and every soul in it, according to all that he had done to Libnah. Then Horam, king of Gezer, came up to help Lachish. And Joshua struck him and his people until he had left him none remaining. And from Lachish Joshua passed to Eglon, and all Israel with him. And they camped against it and fought against it. And they took it on that day, and struck it with the edge of the sword; and every soul in it he completely destroyed that day, according to all that he had done to Lachish. And Joshua went on from Eglon, and all Israel with him, to Hebron. And they fought against it. And they took it, and struck it with the edge of the sword, and its king, and all its cities, and every soul in it. He left none remaining, according to all that he had done to Eglon, but destroyed it, and all the souls that were in it. And Joshua returned, and all Israel with him, to Debir, and fought against it. And he took it, and its king, and all its cities. And they struck them with the edge of the sword, and destroyed every soul in it. He left none remaining. As he had done to Hebron, so he did to Debir, and to its king, as he had done also to Libnah, and to its king. And Joshua struck all the land, the hills, and the south, and the valley, and the springs, and all their kings. He left none remaining, but destroyed all that breathed, as the LORD God of Israel commanded. And Joshua struck them from Kadesh-barnea even to Gaza, and all the land of Goshen, even to Gibeon. And Joshua took all these kings and their land at one time, because the LORD God of Israel fought for Israel. And Joshua returned, and all Israel with him, to the camp to Gilgal.

Fuck me, that is a lot of killing of innocents. So many things struck with the edge of a sword.

Joshua 11

And it happened when Jabin, king of Hazor, had heard, he sent to Jobab king of Madon, and to the king of Shimron, and to the king of Achshaph, and to the kings on the north of the mountains, and on the plains south of Chinneroth, and in the valley, and in the borders of Dor on the west, and to the Canaanite on the east and on the west, and the Amorite, and the Hittite, and the Perizzite, and the Jebusite in the mountains, and to the Hivite under Hermon, in the land of Mizpeh. And they went out, they and all their armies with them, many people, even as the sand on the seashore in multitude, with very many horses and chariots. And when all these kings had met together, they came and pitched together at the waters of Merom, to fight against Israel. And the LORD said to Joshua, Do not be afraid because of them, for tomorrow about this time I will deliver them up, all killed before Israel. You shall hamstring their horses and burn their chariots with fire. And Joshua came suddenly, and all the people of war with him, against them by the waters of Merom. And they fell on them. And the LORD delivered them into the hand of Israel, who struck them and chased them to great Sidon, and to the salt pits, and to the valley of Mizpeh eastward. And they struck them until they left them none remaining. And Joshua did to them as the LORD commanded him. He hamstrung their horses and burned their chariots with fire.

Tie up the horses, burn the charriots, and murder them all. Really doubt their army is a plentiful as the number of grains of sand on the beach.

And Joshua at that time turned back and took Hazor, and struck its king with the sword. For Hazor formerly was the head of all those kingdoms. And they struck every soul in it with the edge of the sword, destroying them. And he left none breathing. And he burned Hazor with fire. And Joshua took all the cities of those kings, and all the kings of them. And he struck them with the edge of the sword. He destroyed them, as Moses the servant of the LORD commanded. But Israel did not burn any of them, the cities that stood in their strength, except Hazor only. Joshua did burn it. And all the spoil of these cities and the cattle the sons of Israel took for a prize to themselves. But they struck every man with the edge of the sword, until they had destroyed them. They left none breathing.

He left none breathing…burned Hazor with fire. So much death and destruction.

As the LORD commanded Moses His servant, so did Moses command Joshua, and so Joshua did. He left nothing undone of all that the LORD commanded Moses. So Joshua took all that land, the hills, and all the south country, and all the land of Goshen, and the valley, and the plain, and the mountains of Israel, and its lowlands, from mount Halak that goes up to Seir, even to Baal-gad in the valley of Lebanon under Mount Hermon. And he took all their kings, and struck them and killed them. Joshua made war a long time with all those kings. There was not a city that made peace with the sons of Israel, except the Hivites, the inhabitants of Gibeon. All others they took in battle. For it was of the LORD to harden their hearts so that they should come against Israel in battle, so that they might be destroyed, so that they might have no favor, but that He might destroy them, as the LORD commanded Moses. At that time Joshua came and cut off the giants from the mountains, from Hebron, from Debir, from Anab, and from all the mountains of Judah, and from all the mountains of Israel. Joshua destroyed them with their cities. There were none of the giants left in the land of the sons of Israel; only in Gaza, in Gath, and in Ashdod there remained some. And Joshua took the whole land, according to all that the LORD commanded Moses. And Joshua gave it for an inheritance to Israel according to their divisions by their tribes. And the land rested from war.

Finally, rest from war.

Joshua 12

And these are the kings of the land, whom the sons of Israel struck and whose land they possessed on the other side Jordan toward the rising of the sun, from the river Arnon to mount Hermon, and all the plain on the east: Sihon king of the Amorites, who lived in Heshbon and ruled from Aroer, which is on the bank of the river Arnon, and from the middle of the river, and from half Gilead, even to the river Jabbok, the border of the sons of Ammon; and from the plain to the sea of Chinneroth on the east, and to the sea of the plain, the Salt Sea on the east, the way to Beth-jeshimoth, and from the south, under Ashdothpisgah. And they struck the coast of Og king of Bashan, of the rest of the giants, who lived at Ashtaroth and at Edrei, and reigned in mount Hermon and in Salcah, and in all Bashan, to the border of the Geshurites and the Maachathites, and half Gilead, the border of Sihon king of Heshbon. Moses the servant of the LORD and the sons of Israel struck them. And Moses the servant of the LORD gave it for a possession to the Reubenites, and the Gadites, and the half tribe of Manasseh.

Pointless passage, except for the mention that giants, that don’t exist in the real word, still exist in this narative.

And these are the kings of the land which Joshua and the sons of Israel struck on this side Jordan, on the west, from Baal-gad in the valley of Lebanon even to the mount Halak that goes up to Seir, which Joshua gave to the tribes of Israel for a possession according to their divisions; in the mountains, and in the valleys, and in the plains, and in the springs, and in the wilderness, and in the south country–the Hittites, the Amorites, and the Canaanites, the Perizzites, the Hivites, and the Jebusites: The king of Jericho, one; the king of Ai, which is beside Bethel, one; the king of Jerusalem, one; the king of Hebron, one; the king of Jarmuth, one; the king of Lachish, one; the king of Eglon, one; the king of Gezer, one; the king of Debir, one; the king of Geder, one; the king of Hormah, one; the king of Arad, one; the king of Libnah, one; the king of Adullam, one; the king of Makkedah, one; the king of Bethel, one; the king of Tappuah, one; the king of Hepher, one; the king of Aphek, one; the king of Lasharon, one; the king of Madon, one; the king of Hazor, one; the king of Shimron-meron, one; the king of Achshaph, one; the king of Taanach, one; the king of Megiddo, one; the king of Kedesh, one; the king of Jokneam of Carmel, one; the king of Dor in the coast of Dor, one; the king of the nations of Gilgal, one; the king of Tirzah, one. All the kings were thirty-one.

Really? Does any of this matter? This is supposed to be a timeless book, inspired by God, and this pointless block of text exists.

Joshua 13

Now Joshua was old, going on in days. And the LORD said to him, You are old, far along in days, and there remains yet very much land to be possessed. This is the land that still remains: all the borders of the Philistines, and all Geshuri, from Shihor, which is before Egypt, even to the borders of Ekron northward, which is counted to the Canaanite, five lords of the Philistines: of Gaza, of Ashdod, of Ashkelon, of Gath, and of Ekron; also the Avim. From the south, all the land of the Canaanites, and Mearah which belongs to the Sidonians, to Aphek, to the borders of the Amorites. And the land of the Giblites, and all Lebanon, toward the sunrise, from Baal-gad under Mount Hermon to the border of Hamath, all the inhabitants from the hills; from Lebanon to the Burning Waters, and all the Sidonians, I will expel them before the sons of Israel. Only you divide it by lot to the Israelites for an inheritance, as I have commanded you.

Dear Joshua, you are old, but you are pussy and a lot more needs to be conqured.

And, therefore, divide this land for an inheritance to the nine tribes and the half tribe of Manasseh, with whom the Reubenites and the Gadites have received their inheritance which Moses gave them beyond Jordan eastward, as Moses the servant of the LORD gave them, from Aroer on the bank of the river Arnon, and the city in the midst of the river, and all the plain of Medeba, to Dibon; and all the cities of Sihon king of the Amorites, who reigned in Heshbon, to the border of the sons of Ammon; and Gilead, and the border of the Geshurites and Maachathites, and all mount Hermon, and all Bashan to Salcah, all the kingdom of Og in Bashan (who reigned in Ashtaroth and in Edrei; he remained of the rest of the giants), even Moses struck them and expelled them. But the sons of Israel did not put out the Geshurites and the Maachathites, but the Geshurites and the Maachathites dwell among the Israelites until this day. Only, he gave no inheritance to the tribe of Levi. The sacrifices of the LORD God of Israel made by fire are their inheritance, as He said to them. And Moses gave to the tribe of the sons of Reuben inheritance according to their families. And their coast was from Aroer on the bank of the river Arnon, and the city in the midst of the river, and all the plain by Medeba. He gave them Heshbon and all its cities in the plain, Dibon, and Bamoth-baal, and Beth-baal-meon, and Jahazah, and Kedemoth, and Mephaath, and Kirjath-aim, and Sibmah, and Zarethshahar in the mountain of the valley, and Beth-peor, and Ashdoth-pisgah, and Beth-jeshimoth, and all the cities of the plain, and all the kingdom of Sihon king of the Amorites, who reigned in Heshbon (whom Moses struck with the rulers of Midian, Evi, and Rekem, and Zur, and Hur, and Reba, rulers of Sihon, the inhabitants of the land). The sons of Israel also killed Balaam the son of Beor, the diviner, with the sword, among their slain. And the border of the sons of Reuben was Jordan, and its border. This was the inheritance of the sons of Reuben according to their families, the cities and its villages. And Moses gave inheritance to the tribe of Gad, to the sons of Gad according to their families. And their coast was Jazer, and all the cities of Gilead, and half the land of the sons of Ammon, to Aroer, before Rabbah, and from Heshbon to Ramoth-mizpeh, and Betonim, and from Mahanaim to the border of Debir. And in the valley he gave them Beth-aram, and Beth-nimrah, and Succoth, and Zaphon, the rest of the kingdom of Sihon king of Heshbon, Jordan and its border, even to the edge of the Sea of Chinnereth on the east side Jordan eastward. This is the inheritance of the sons of Gad according to their families, the cities, and their villages. And Moses gave inheritance to the half tribe of Manasseh, and this was of the half tribe of the sons of Manasseh by their families. And their border was from Mahanaim, all Bashan, all the kingdom of Og king of Bashan, and all the towns of Jair, which are in Bashan, sixty cities. And half Gilead, and Ashtaroth, and Edrei, cities of the kingdom of Og in Bashan, were given to the sons of Machir the son of Manasseh, even to their half of the sons of Machir by their families. These are they whom Moses caused to inherit in the plains of Moab, on the other side Jordan by Jericho, eastward. But to the tribe of Levi Moses gave no inheritance. The LORD God of Israel was their inheritance, as He said to them.

Really? Does any of this matter? This is supposed to be a timeless book, inspired by God, and this pointless block of text exists.

Joshua 14

And these are they of the sons of Israel who inherited in the land of Canaan, whom Eleazar the priest and Joshua the son of Nun, and the heads of the fathers of the tribes of the sons of Israel, gave out for inheritance to them. Their inheritance was by lot, as the LORD commanded by the hand of Moses, for the nine tribes, and for the half tribe. For Moses had given the inheritance of two tribes and a half tribe on the other side Jordan. But to the Levites he gave no inheritance among them. For the sons of Joseph were two tribes, Manasseh and Ephraim. And they gave no part to the Levites in the land, except cities to live in, with their suburbs for their cattle and for their substance. As the LORD commanded Moses, so the sons of Israel did, and they divided the land.

Really? Does any of this matter? This is supposed to be a timeless book, inspired by God, and this pointless block of text exists. Yes, I am just copying and pasting, just like the Bible.

Then the sons of Judah came to Joshua in Gilgal. And Caleb, the son of Jephunneh the Kenezite, said to him, You know the thing that the LORD said to Moses the man of God in Kadesh-barnea regarding you and me. I was forty years old when Moses the servant of the LORD sent me from Kadesh-barnea to spy out the land. And I brought him word again as it was in my heart. But my brothers that went up with me made the heart of the people melt; yet I fully followed the LORD my God. And Moses swore on that day, saying, Surely the land on which your feet have trodden shall be your inheritance, and your sons’ forever because you have fully followed the LORD my God. And now, behold, the LORD has kept me alive these forty-five years as He said, even since the LORD spoke this word to Moses, while Israel wandered in the wilderness. And now, lo, I am eighty-five years old today. As yet I am as strong today as I was in the day that Moses sent me. As my strength was then, even so is my strength now, for war, both to go out and to come in. And now give me this mountain of which the LORD spoke on that day. For you heard in that day how the giants were there, and that the cities were great and fortified. If the LORD will be with me, then I will be able to drive them out, as the LORD said. And Joshua blessed him, and gave Hebron to Caleb the son of Jephunneh for an inheritance. And Hebron became the inheritance of Caleb, the son of Jephunneh the Kenezite, to this day, because he fully followed the LORD God of Israel. And the name of Hebron before was Kirjath-arba; that one was a great man among the giants. And the land had rest from war.

Whining and more giant talk.

Joshua 15

This then was the lot of the tribe of the sons of Judah by their families: to the border of Edom, the wilderness of Zin southward, in the extreme south. And their south border was from the end of the Salt Sea, from the bay that looks southward. And it went out southward to the ascent of Akrabbim, and passed on to Zin, and went up on the south of Kadesh-barnea, and went on to Hezron, and went up toward Adar, and turned toward Karkaa, and passed on to Azmon, and went out by the torrent of Egypt. And the boundary line was at the Sea. This shall be your south border. And the east border, the Salt Sea to the end of Jordan, and their border in the north quarter was from the bay of the sea at the uttermost part of Jordan. And the border went up to Beth-hoglah, and passed along by the north of Beth-arabah. And the border went up to the stone of Bohan the son of Reuben; And the border went up toward Debir from the valley of Achor, and so northward, looking toward Gilgal, before the going up to Adummim, which is on the south side of the river. And the border passed toward the waters of En-shemesh, and its boundary was at En-rogel. And the border went up by the valley of the son of Hinnom to the south side of the Jebusite. It is Jerusalem. And the border went up to the top of the mountain that lies before the valley of Hinnom westward, at the end of the Valley of the Giants northward. And the border was drawn from the top of the hill to the fountain of the water of Nephtoah, and went out to the cities of mount Ephron. And the border was drawn to Baalah; it is Kirjath-jearim. And the border went around from Baalah westward to Mount Seir, and passed along to the side of mount Jearim; it is Chesalon, on the north side, and went down to Bethshemesh, and passed on to Timnah. And the border went to the side of Ekron northward, and the border was drawn to Shikkeron and passed along to Mount Baalah, and went out to Jabneel. And the boundary line was at the Sea. And the west border was to the Great Sea, and the coast. This is the border of the sons of Judah all around according to their families.

Really? Does any of this matter? This is supposed to be a timeless book, inspired by God, and this pointless block of text exists. Written maps, again.

And he gave a part among the sons of Judah to Caleb the son of Jephunneh, according to the command of the LORD to Joshua, even the city of Arba the father of Anak; it is Hebron. And Caleb drove out from there the three sons of Anak, Sheshai, and Ahiman, and Talmai, the sons of Anak. And he went up from there to those who lived in Debir. And the name of Debir before was Kirjath-sepher. And Caleb said, He who smites Kirjath-sepher, and takes it, I will give my daughter Achsah to him for a wife. And Othniel the son of Kenaz, the brother of Caleb, took it. And he gave him Achsah his daughter for a wife. And it happened as she came, she moved him to ask a field from her father. And she dismounted from the ass. And Caleb said to her, What do you desire? She answered, Give me a blessing, for you have given me a south land. Give me also springs of water. And he gave her the upper springs and the lower springs.

Really? Does any of this matter? This is supposed to be a timeless book, inspired by God, and this pointless block of text exists. Written maps, again.

This is the inheritance of the tribe of the sons of Judah according to their families. And the furthest cities of the tribe of the sons of Judah toward the coast of Edom southward were Kabzeel, and Eder, and Jagur, and Kinah, and Dimonah, and Adadah, and Kedesh, and Hazor, and Ithnan, Ziph, and Telem, and Bealoth, and Hazor, Hadattah, and Kerioth, and Hezron, which is Hazor, Amam, and Shema, and Moladah, and Hazargaddah, and Heshmon, and Beth-palet, and Hazar-shual, and Beer-sheba, and Bizjothjah, Baalah, and Iim, and Azem, and Eltolad, and Chesil, and Hormah, and Ziklag, and Madmannah, and Sansannah, and Lebaoth, and Shilhim, and Ain, and Rimmon. All the cities are twenty-nine, with their villages. In the low country were Eshtaol, and Zoreah, and Ashnah, and Zanoah, and En-gannim, Tappuah, and Enam, Jarmuth, and Adullam, Socoh, and Azekah, and Sharaim, and Adithaim, and Gederah, and Gederothaim; fourteen cities with their villages– Zenan, and Hadashah, and Migdal-gad, and Dilean, and Mizpeh, and Joktheel, Lachish, and Bozkath, and Eglon, and Cabbon, and Lahmam, and Kithlish, and Gederoth, Beth-dagon, and Naamah, and Makkedah; sixteen cities with their villages– Libnah, and Ether, and Ashan, and Jiphtah, and Ashnah, and Nezib, and Keilah, and Achzib, and Mareshah; nine cities and their villages; Ekron with its town and its villages; from Ekron even to the Sea, all that were at hand by Ashdod, and their villages; Ashdod with its towns and its villages; Gaza with its towns and its villages, to the river of Egypt, and the Great Sea, and its coast. And in the mountains, Shamir, and Jattir, and Socoh, and Dannah, and Kirjath-sannah (which is Debir); and Anab, and Eshtemoh, and Anim, and Goshen, and Holon, and Giloh; eleven cities and their villages; Arab, and Dumah, and Eshean, and Janum, and Beth-tappuah, and Aphekah, and Humtah, and Kirjath-arba; it is Hebron; and Zior; nine cities and their villages– Maon, Carmel, and Ziph, and Juttah, and Jezreel, and Jokdeam, and Zanoah, Cain, Gibeah, and Timnah; ten cities and their villages; Halhul, Beth-zur, and Gedor, and Maarath, and Beth-anoth, and Eltekon; six cities and their villages– Kirjath-baal; it is Kirjath-jearim; and Rabbah; two cities and their villages. In the wilderness, Beth-arabah, Middin, and Secacah, and Nibshan, and the city of Salt, and En-gedi; six cities and their villages. As for the Jebusites, the inhabitants of Jerusalem, the sons of Judah could not drive them out. But the Jebusites live with the sons of Judah at Jerusalem to this day.

Really? Does any of this matter? This is supposed to be a timeless book, inspired by God, and this pointless block of text exists. Worst passage in the entire Bible, so far.

Joshua 16

And the lot of the sons of Joseph fell from Jordan by Jericho, to the water of Jericho on the east, to the wilderness that goes up from Jericho through Mount Bethel, and goes out from Bethel to Luz, and passes along to the borders of the Archites, to Ataroth; and it goes down westward to the border of the Japhletites, to the border of Beth-horon the lower, and to Gezer. And its boundary was at the sea. And the sons of Joseph, Manasseh and Ephraim, took their inheritance.

Written maps, again.

And the border of the sons of Ephraim was by their families: the border of their inheritance on the east side was Ataroth-addar, to Beth-horon the upper. And the border went out toward the sea to Michmethah on the north side. And the border went about eastward to Taanath-shiloh, and passed by it on the east to Janohah. And it went down from Janohah to Ataroth, and to Naarath, and came again to Jericho, and went out at Jordan. The border went out from Tappuah westward to the river Kanah. And the boundary was at the sea. This is the inheritance of the tribe of the sons of Ephraim by their families. And the separate cities for the sons of Ephraim were among the inheritance of the sons of Manasseh, all the cities with their villages. And they did not drive out the Canaanites who lived in Gezer. But the Canaanites live among the Ephraimites until this day, and serve under tribute.

I love how many until this day quotes are in the Bible, and they were applicable for like a month.

Joshua 17

There was also a lot for the tribe of Manasseh (for he was the first-born of Joseph); for Machir, the first-born of Manasseh, the father of Gilead, because he was a man of war, therefore he had Gilead and Bashan. There was also a lot for the rest of the sons of Manasseh by their families: for the sons of Abiezer, and for the sons of Helek, and for the sons of Asriel, and for the sons of Shechem, and for the sons of Hepher, and for the sons of Shemida; these were the sons of Manasseh the son of Joseph, by their families. But Zelophehad the son of Hepher, the son of Gilead, the son of Machir, the son of Manasseh, had no sons, but daughters. And these were the names of his daughters: Mahlah, and Noah, Hoglah, Milcah, and Tirzah. And they came near before Eleazar the priest and before Joshua the son of Nun, and before the rulers, saying, The LORD commanded Moses to give us an inheritance among our brothers. And according to the command of the LORD he gave them an inheritance among the brothers of their father. And there fell ten portions to Manasseh, besides the land of Gilead and Bashan, which were on the other side Jordan; because the daughters of Manasseh had an inheritance among his sons. And the rest of Manasseh’s sons had the land of Gilead.

Really? Does any of this matter? This is supposed to be a timeless book, inspired by God, and this pointless block of text exists. Yes, I am just copying and pasting, just like the Bible.

And the border of Manasseh was from Asher to Michmethah before Shechem. And the border went up to the right to the inhabitants of En-tappuah. Manasseh had the land of Tappuah, but Tappuah on the border of Manasseh belonged to the sons of Ephraim. And the border went down to the river Kanah, southward of the river. These cities of Ephraim are among the cities of Manasseh. And the border of Manasseh was on the north of the river, and the boundary was at the sea. Southward it was Ephraim’s, and northward it was Manasseh’s. And the sea is its border. And they met together in Asher on the north, and in Issachar on the east. And Manasseh had in Issachar and in Asher Beth-shean and its towns, and Ibleam and its towns, and those who lived in Dor and its towns, and those who lived in Endor and its towns, and those who lived in Taanach and its towns, and those who lived in Megiddo and its towns, even three regions. Yet the sons of Manasseh were not able to occupy these cities, but the Canaanites wanted to live in that land. And it happened when the sons of Israel had become strong, they put the Canaanites to tribute. But they did not completely drive them out.

Really? Does any of this matter? This is supposed to be a timeless book, inspired by God, and this pointless block of text exists. Leave the Canaanites, collect taxes.

The sons of Joseph spoke to Joshua saying, Why have you given me one lot and one portion to inherit, since I am a great people, because the LORD has blessed me until now? And Joshua answered them, If you are a great people, and if mount Ephraim is too narrow for you, get up to the forest and cut down more for yourself there in the land of the Perizzites and of the giants. And the sons of Joseph said, The hill is not enough for us. And all the Canaanites who live in the land of the valley have chariots of iron, those who are of Beth-shean and its towns, and those who are of the valley of Jezreel. And Joshua spoke to the house of Joseph, even to Ephraim and to Manasseh, saying, You are a great people and have great power. You shall not have one lot. But the mountain shall be yours, for it is a forest, and you shall cut it down. And the outer limits of it shall be yours. For you shall drive out the Canaanites, even though they have iron chariots and though they are strong.

More mention of giants. And…the LORD is worried about iron chariots? You can stop the rotation of the earth, but you are worried about iron chariots.

Joshua 18

And all the congregation of the sons of Israel gathered at Shiloh, and set up the tabernacle of the congregation there. And the land was subdued before them.

And there remained among the sons of Israel seven tribes which had not yet received their inheritance. And Joshua said to the sons of Israel, How long will you fail to go in to possess the land which the LORD God of your fathers has given you? Give from among you three men for each tribe. And I will send them, and they shall rise and go through the land and map it according to the inheritance of them. And they shall come to me. And they shall divide it into seven parts. Judah shall stay within their border on the south, and the house of Joseph shall stay within their borders on the north. And you shall map the land into seven parts and bring it here to me, so that I may cast lots here for you before the LORD our God. But the Levites have no part among you. For the priesthood of the LORD is their inheritance. And Gad and Reuben and half the tribe of Manasseh have received their inheritance beyond Jordan on the east, which Moses the servant of the LORD gave them. And the men arose and went away. And Joshua charged those who went to map the land, saying, Go and walk through the land, and map it, and come again to me so that I may here cast lots for you before the LORD in Shiloh. And the men went and passed through the land, and mapped it by cities into seven parts in a book, and they came to Joshua, to the host at Shiloh. And Joshua cast lots for them in Shiloh before the LORD. And Joshua divided the land to the sons of Israel there, according to their divisions.

Really? Does any of this matter? This is supposed to be a timeless book, inspired by God, and this pointless block of text exists. Yes, I am just copying and pasting, just like the Bible.

And the lot of the tribe of the sons of Benjamin came up by their families. And the border of their lot came forth between the sons of Judah and the sons of Joseph. And their border on the north side was from Jordan. And the border went up to the side of Jericho on the north side, and went up through the mountains westward. And their boundary was at the wilderness of Beth-aven. And the border went over from there toward Luz, to the side of Luz, which is Bethel, southward. And the border went down to Ataroth-adar, near the hill that lies on the south side of the lower Beth-horon. And the border was drawn from there, and went around the corner of the sea southward, from the hill that is in front of Beth-horon southward. And its boundary was at Kirjath-baal; it is Kirjath-jearim, a city of the sons of Judah. This was the west quarter. And the south quarter was from the end of Kirjath-jearim; and the border went out westward, and went out to the spring of the waters of Nephtoah; and the border went down to the end of the mountain that is before the valley of the sons of Hinnom, which is the Valley of the Giants northward, and went down the valley of Hinnom to the side of the Jebusite on the south, and went down to En-rogel. And it was drawn from the north and went out to En-shemesh, and went out toward Geliloth, which is across from the ascent of Adummim, and went down to the stone of Bohan the son of Reuben, and passed along toward the side over against Arabah northward, and went down to the Arabah. And the border passed along to the side of Beth-hoglah northward. And the boundary was at the north tongue of the Salt Sea, at the south end of Jordan. This was the south border. And Jordan was the border of it on the east side. This was the inheritance of the sons of Benjamin, according to its borders all around, according to their families. And the cities of the tribe of the sons of Benjamin according to their families were Jericho, and Beth-hoglah, and the valley of Keziz, and Beth-arabah, and Zemaraim, and Bethel, and Avvim, and Parah, and Ophrah, and Chephar-haam-monai, and Ophni, and Gaba; twelve cities and their villages; Gibeon, and Ramah, and Beeroth, and Mizpeh, and Chephirah, and Mozah, and Rekem, and Irpeel, and Taralah, and Zelah, Eleph, and Jebusi, which is Jerusalem; Gibeath, Kirjath; fourteen cities and their villages. This is the inheritance of the sons of Benjamin according to their families.

Really? Does any of this matter? This is supposed to be a timeless book, inspired by God, and this pointless block of text exists. Yes, I am just copying and pasting, just like the Bible.

Joshua 19

And the second lot came forth to Simeon, for the tribe of the sons of Simeon according to their families. And their inheritance was inside the inheritance of the sons of Judah. And they had in their inheritance Beer-sheba, or Sheba, and Moladah, and Hazar-shual, and Balah, and Azem, and Eltolad, and Bethul, and Hormah, and Ziklag, and Beth-marcaboth, and Hazar-susah, and Beth-lebaoth, and Sharuhen; thirteen cities and their villages– Ain, Remmon, and Ether, and Ashan; four cities and their villages, and all the villages that were around these cities to Baalath-beer, Ramah of the south. This is the inheritance of the tribe of the sons of Simeon according to their families. The inheritance of the sons of Simeon was out of the portion of the sons of Judah. For the part of the sons of Judah was too much for them; therefore the sons of Simeon had their inheritance within their inheritance.

Really? Does any of this matter? This is supposed to be a timeless book, inspired by God, and this pointless block of text exists. Yes, I am just copying and pasting, just like the Bible.

And the third lot came up for the sons of Zebulun according to their families. And the border of their inheritance was to Sarid. And their border went up toward the sea, and Maralah, and reached to Dabbasheth, and reached to the river that is before Jokneam, and turned from Sarid eastward toward the sunrise to the border of The Flames of Tabor, and then goes out to Daberath, and goes up to Japhia, and from there it passes on along on the east to Gittah-hepher, to Ittah-kazin, and goes out to Rimmon-methoar, to Neah. And the border compasses it on the north side to Hannathon. And its edges were in the valley of Jiphthahel, and Kattath, and Nahallal, and Shimron, and Idalah, and Bethlehem; twelve cities with their villages. This is the inheritance of the sons of Zebulun according to their families, these cities with their villages.

Really? Does any of this matter? This is supposed to be a timeless book, inspired by God, and this pointless block of text exists. Yes, I am just copying and pasting, just like the Bible.

The fourth lot came out to Issachar, for the sons of Issachar according to their families. And their border was toward Jezreel, and Chesulloth, and Shunem, and Hapharaim, and Shihon, and Anaharath, and Rabbith, and Kishion, and Abez, and Remeth, and En-gannim, and En-haddah, and Beth-pazzez. And the border reaches to Tabor, and Shahazimah, and Beth-shemesh. And the edges of their border were at Jordan; sixteen cities with their villages. This is the inheritance of the tribe of the sons of Issachar according to their families, the cities and their villages.

Really? Does any of this matter? This is supposed to be a timeless book, inspired by God, and this pointless block of text exists. Yes, I am just copying and pasting, just like the Bible.

And the fifth lot came out for the tribe of the sons of Asher according to their families. And their border was Helkath, and Hali, and Beten, and Achshaph, and Alammelech, and Amad, and Misheal; and reaches to Carmel westward, and to Shihor-libnath; and turns toward the sunrising to Beth-dagon, and reaches to Zebulun, and to the valley of Jiphthah-el toward the north of Beth-emek, and Neiel, and goes out to Cabul on the left hand, and Hebron, and Rehob, and Hammon, and Kanah, to great Sidon; and the border turns to Ramah, and to the strong city Tyre. And the border turns to Hosah, and the boundaries of it are at the sea from the line to Achzib, and Ummah, and Aphek, and Rehob; twenty-two cities and their villages. This is the inheritance of the tribe of the sons of Asher according to their families, these cities with their villages.

Really? Does any of this matter? This is supposed to be a timeless book, inspired by God, and this pointless block of text exists. Yes, I am just copying and pasting, just like the Bible.

The sixth lot came out to the sons of Naphtali, for the sons of Naphtali according to their families. And their border was from Heleph, from Allon to Zaanannim, and Adami, Nekeb, and Jabneel, to Lakum. And its boundaries were at Jordan. And the border turns west toward Aznoth-tabor, and goes out from there to Hukkok, and reached to Zebulun on the south side, and reaches to Asher on the west side, and to Judah on Jordan toward the sunrise. And the fortified cities are Ziddim, Zer, and Hammath, Rakkath, and Chinnereth, and Adamah, and Ramah, and Hazor, and Kedesh, and Edrei, and En-hazor, and Iron, and Migdalel, Horem, and Beth-anath, and Beth-shemesh; nineteen cities and their villages. This is the inheritance of the tribe of the sons of Naphtali according to their families, the cities and their villages.

Really? Does any of this matter? This is supposed to be a timeless book, inspired by God, and this pointless block of text exists. Yes, I am just copying and pasting, just like the Bible.

The seventh lot came out for the tribe of the sons of Dan according to their families. And the border of their inheritance was Zorah, and Eshtaol, and Ir-shemesh, and Shaalabbin, and Ajalon, and Jethlah, and Elon, and Timnah, and Ekron, and Eltekeh, and Gibbethon, and Baalath, and Jehud, and Beneberak, and Gath-rimmon, and Mejarkon, and Rakkon, with the border before Japho. And the border of the sons of Dan came out too little for them. And the sons of Dan went up to fight against Leshem, and took it, and struck it with the edge of the sword, and possessed it, and lived in it. And they called Leshem Dan, after the name of their father Dan. This is the inheritance of the tribe of Dan, by their families, these cities and their villages.

Thought I was going to copy and paste, did ya? Well, here is an interesting passage because it mentions the origin of the city of Leshem Dan. This city is mentioned in Genesis, but it would be impossible to exist until this passage. Really goes to show how many error this book has and how much of a jumble the compilation was. It really shows Genesis was written AFTER this book.

When they had made an end of dividing the land for inheritance by their borders, the sons of Israel gave an inheritance to Joshua the son of Nun among them. According to the command of Jehovah they gave him the city which he asked, Timnath-serah in mount Ephraim. And he built the city and lived in it. These are the inheritances which Eleazar the priest, and Joshua the son of Nun, and the heads of the fathers of the tribes of the sons of Israel divided for an inheritance by lot in Shiloh before Jehovah, at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation. And they finished dividing the land.

Fucking finally.

Joshua 20

And the LORD spoke to Joshua, saying, Speak to the sons of Israel, saying, Appoint cities of refuge for you, as I have spoken to you by the hand of Moses; that the manslayer who in innocence strikes anyone mortally, without knowing, may flee there. And they shall be your refuge from the avenger of blood. And he shall flee to one of those cities, and shall stand at the entrance of the gate of the city, and shall declare his cause in the ears of the elders of that city. And they shall take him into the city to themselves and make him a place, and he shall live with them. And if the avenger of blood pursues him, then they shall not deliver the manslayer into his hand, for he has struck his neighbor without knowing, and did not hate him in past time. And he shall live in that city until he stands before the congregation for judgment, until the death of the high priest who is in those days. Then the manslayer shall return and come to his city, and to his house, to the city from where he fled.

I know this was covered a few times before. Same deal, slightly reworded.

And they set apart Kadesh in Galilee, in the hills of Naphtali; and Shechem in the hills of Ephraim; and Kirjath-arba (it is Hebron) in the hills of Judah. And beyond the Jordan, at Jericho eastward, they gave Bezer in the wilderness, on the tableland out of the tribe of Reuben; and Ramoth in Gilead out of the tribe of Gad; and Golan in Bashan out of the tribe of Manasseh. These were the appointed cities for all the sons of Israel, and for the alien who was living in their midst, that he who had killed anyone without knowing might flee there, and not die by the hand of the avenger of blood, until he stood before the congregation.

Who cares?

Joshua 21

And the heads of the fathers of the Levites came near to Eleazar the priest, and to Joshua the son of Nun, and to the heads of the fathers of the tribes of the sons of Israel. And they spoke to them in Shiloh, in the land of Canaan, saying, the LORD commanded by the hand of Moses to give cities to us to live in, and their open lands for our cattle. And the sons of Israel gave to the Levites out of their inheritance these cities and their open lands, at the command of the LORD: And the lot came out for the families of the Kohathites. And the sons of Aaron the priest, of the Levites, had by lot out of the tribe of Judah, and out of the tribe of Simeon, and out of the tribe of Benjamin, thirteen cities. And the rest of the sons of Kohath had by lot out of the families of the tribe of Ephraim, and out of the tribe of Dan, and out of the half tribe of Manasseh, ten cities. And the sons of Gershon had by lot out of the families of the tribe of Issachar, and out of the tribe of Asher, and out of the tribe of Naphtali, and out of the half tribe of Manasseh in Bashan, thirteen cities. The sons of Merari by their families had out of the tribe of Reuben, and out of the tribe of Gad, and out of the tribe of Zebulun. twelve cities. And the sons of Israel gave by lot to the Levites these cities with their open lands, as the LORD commanded by the hand of Moses.

Fuck me, not more city and tribe names.

And they gave out of the tribe of the sons of Judah, and out of the tribe of the sons of Simeon, these cities which are called by name, which the sons of Aaron had, being of the families of the Kohathites, who were of the sons of Levi, for theirs was the first lot. And they gave them the city of Arba, the father of Anak (it is Hebron) in the hills of Judah, with its open lands around it. But the fields of the city of Arba and its villages they gave to Caleb the son of Jephunneh for his own. And to the sons of Aaron the priest they gave Hebron and its open lands as a city of refuge for the manslayer, and Libnah and its open lands, and Jattir and its open lands, and Eshtemoa and its open lands, and Holon and its open lands, and Debir and its open lands, and Ain and its open lands, and Juttah and its open lands, and Beth-shemesh and its open lands, nine cities from these two tribes. And out of the tribe of Benjamin, Gibeon and its open lands, Geba and its open lands, Anathoth and its open lands, and Almon and its open lands; four cities and their open lands. And all the cities of the sons of Aaron the priest were thirteen cities. And the families of the sons of Kohath, the Levites who were left of the sons of Kohath, even they had the cities of their lot out of the tribe Ephraim. And they gave them Shechem and its open lands in mount Ephraim as a city of refuge for the manslayer, and Gezer and its open lands, and Kibzaim and its open lands, and Beth-horon and its open lands; four cities. And out of the tribe of Dan, Eltekeh and open lands, Gibbethon and its open lands, Aijalon and its open lands, Gath-rimmon and its open lands; four cities. And out of the half tribe of Manasseh, Tanach and its open lands, and Gath-rimmon and its open lands; two cities. All the cities were ten, and their open lands, for the families of the sons of Kohath that were left. And to the sons of Gershon, of the families of the Levites, from the half tribe of Manasseh: Golan in Bashan and its open lands as a city of refuge for the manslayer, and Beesh-terah and its open lands; two cities. And from the tribe of Issachar, Kishon and its open lands, and Daberath and its open lands, Jarmuth and its open lands, En-gannim and its open lands, four cities. And out of the tribe of Asher, Mishal and its open lands, and Abdon and its open lands, Helkath and its open lands, and Rehob and its open lands, four cities And out of the tribe of Naphtali, Kedesh in Galilee and its open lands as a city of refuge for the manslayer, and Hammoth-dor and its open lands, and Kartah and its open lands; three cities. All the cities of the Gershonites according to their families were thirteen cities and their open lands. And to the families of the sons of Merari, the rest of the Levites, out of the tribe of Zebulun: Jokneam and its open lands, and Kartah and its open lands, Dimnah and its open lands, Nahalal and its open lands; four cities. And out of the tribe of Reuben, Bezer and its open lands, and Jahazah and its open lands, Kedemoth and its open lands, and Mephaath and its open lands; four cities. And out of tribe of Gad, Ramoth in Gilead and its open lands as a city of refuge for the manslayer, and Mahanaim and its open lands, Heshbon and its open lands, Jazer and its open lands; four cities in all. All the cities for the sons of Merari by their families which were left of the families of the Levites, were by their lot twelve cities. All the cities of the Levites within the possession of the sons of Israel were forty-eight cities and their open lands. These cities were each one with their open lands around them. So it was to all these cities.

You have got to be fucking kidding me. Didn’t we just spend the last 10,000 or so words saying all of these bullshit city/tribe random fucking names?

And the LORD gave to Israel all the land which He swore to give to their fathers. And they possessed it, and lived in it. And Jehovah gave them rest round about, according to all that He swore to their fathers. And not a man of all their enemies stood before them. Jehovah delivered all their enemies into their hand. Not a word failed from any good thing which the LORD had spoken to the house of Israel. All came to pass.

Fucking finally. I hope.

Joshua 22

Then Joshua called for the Reubenites and the Gadites, and the half tribe of Manasseh, and said to them, You have done all that which Moses the servant of Jehovah commanded you. And you have listened to my voice, to all that I have commanded you. You have not left your brothers these many days until today, and have kept the observance of the command of the LORD your God. And now Jehovah your God has given rest to your brothers, as He spoke to them. And now turn and go to your tents, to the land of your possession, which Moses the servant of the LORD has given to you beyond the Jordan. Only, diligently take heed to do the commands and the law which Moses the servant of the LORD commanded you, to love the LORD your God, and to walk in all His ways, and to keep His commandments, and to cleave to Him, and to serve Him with all your heart and with all your soul. And Joshua blessed them and sent them away. And they went to their tents. And to the half tribe of Manasseh, Moses had given possession in Bashan. And to its other half Joshua had given possession with their brothers beyond the Jordan westward. And also when Joshua had sent them away to their tents, then he blessed them. And he spoke to them, saying, You are returning to your tents with your great treasures, and with very much cattle, with silver, and with gold, and with bronze, and with iron, and with very much clothing. Divide the spoil of your enemies with your brothers. And the sons of Reuben and the sons of Gad and the half tribe of Manasseh returned. And they departed from the sons of Israel out of Shiloh, which is in the land of Canaan, to go to the land of Gilead, to the land of their possession, of which they were possessed, according to the word of the LORD by the hand of Moses.

Yeah, yeah, inheritance and boasting.

And when they came to the borders of Jordan in the land of Canaan, the sons of Reuben and the sons of Gad and the half tribe of Manasseh built an altar of grand appearance there by Jordan. And the sons of Israel heard, Behold, the sons of Reuben and the sons of Gad and the half tribe of Manasseh have built an altar over against the land of Canaan, in the borders of Jordan, at the passage of the sons of Israel. And when the sons of Israel heard, the whole congregation of the sons of Israel gathered themselves at Shiloh to go to war against them. And the sons of Israel sent Phinehas the son of Eleazar the priest to the sons of Reuben, and to the sons of Gad, and to the half tribe of Manasseh, into the land of Gilead, and with him ten rulers, a ruler from each of the chief houses throughout all the tribes of Israel. And each one was a head of the house of their fathers among the thousands of Israel. And they came to the sons of Reuben, and to the sons of Gad, and to the half tribe of Manasseh, to the land of Gilead, and they spoke with them saying, So says all the congregation of the LORD: What trespass is this that you have committed against the God of Israel, to turn away today from following the LORD, in that you have built an altar for you so that you might rebel this day against the LORD? Is the iniquity of Peor too little for us, from which we have not been made clean until today? Yea, a plague came on the congregation of the LORD! But must you turn away today from following the LORD? It shall be, you rebel today against the LORD, and tomorrow He will be angry with all the congregation of Israel. But surely if the land of your possession is unclean, pass over to the land of the possession of the LORD in which the LORD’s tabernacle dwells, and take possession among us. But do not rebel against the LORD, nor rebel against us in building an altar for yourselves besides the altar of the LORD our God. Did not Achan the son of Zerah commit a sin in the cursed thing, and did not wrath fall on all the congregation of Israel? And that man did not perish alone in his iniquity.

Ah yes, the omnipotent, but jealous and insecure LORD returns. No other gods, remember? He gets pissed. And it sounds like you took iron tools to the altar.

And the sons of Reuben and the sons of Gad and the half tribe of Manasseh answered and said to the heads of the thousands of Israel, The LORD God of gods, the LORD God of gods knows, and Israel shall know if it is in rebellion or in transgression against the LORD (you shall not save us alive today), that we have built us an altar to turn from following the LORD. Or if we have built an altar to offer on it burnt offering or food offering, or if to offer peace offerings on it, let the LORD Himself require it. And if we have not done it for fear of this thing, saying, In time to come your sons might speak to our sons, saying, What have you to do with the LORD God of Israel? For the LORD has made Jordan a border between us and you, sons of Reuben and sons of Gad. You have no part in the LORD. And your sons shall make our sons stop fearing the LORD. And we said, Let us now prepare to build us an altar, not for burnt offering, nor for sacrifice, but it shall be a witness between us and you, and our generations after us, so that we might do the service of the LORD before Him with our burnt offerings and with our sacrifices and with our peace offerings; so that your sons may not say to our sons in time to come, You have no part in the LORD. And we said that when they should say so to us or to our generations in time to come, that we may say, Behold the pattern of the altar of the LORD which our fathers made, not for burnt offerings nor for sacrifices, but it is a witness between us and you. Far be it from us that we should rebel against the LORD and turn this day from following the LORD, to build an altar for burnt offerings, for food offerings, or for sacrifices, besides the altar of the LORD our God that is before His tabernacle!

Still don’t know why the LORD needs food and burnt offerings.

And Phinehas the priest, and the rulers of the congregation and heads of the thousands of Israel with him, heard the words that the sons of Reuben and the sons of Gad and the sons of Manasseh spoke, it pleased them. And Phinehas the son of Eleazar the priest said to the sons of Reuben and to the sons of Gad and to the half tribe of Manasseh, Today we see that the LORD is among us, because you have not committed this sin against the LORD. Now you have delivered the sons of Israel out of the hand of the LORD. And Phinehas the son of Eleazar the priest, and the rulers, returned from the sons of Reuben, and from the sons of Gad, out of the land of Gilead, to the land of Canaan, to the sons of Israel, and brought them word again. And the thing pleased the sons of Israel. And the sons of Israel blessed God and no more said to go up against them in battle, to destroy the land in which the sons of Reuben and Gad lived. And the sons of Reuben and the sons of Gad proclaimed regarding the altar, that it was a witness between us that Jehovah is God.

I am sure if I believed this passage would mean something to me, but it seems kind of pointless.

Joshua 23

And it happened many days after the LORD had given rest to Israel from all their enemies all around, Joshua became old, far along in days. And Joshua called for all Israel, for their elders and for their heads, and for their judges, and for their officers, and said to them, I am old, far along in days. And you have seen all that the LORD your God has done to all these nations because of you. For the LORD your God is He who has fought for you. Behold, I have divided to you by lot these nations that are left to be an inheritance for your tribes, from Jordan, with all the nations that I have cut off, even to the Great Sea westward. And the LORD your God shall put them out from before you, and drive them out of your sight. And you shall possess their land, as the LORD your God has promised to you. And be very courageous to keep and to do all that is written in the book of the law of Moses, so that you do not turn aside from it to the right or to the left; so that you do not come among these nations, these that remain among you; neither make mention of the name of their gods, nor cause to swear by them, neither serve them, nor bow yourselves to them. But cleave to the LORD your God, as you have done to this day. For the LORD has driven out from before you great and strong nations. But as for you, no one has been able to stand before you to this day. One man of you shall chase a thousand. For the LORD your God is He who fights for you, as He has promised you.

Inheritance and a reminder of just how jealous this LORD your God really is.

And take good heed to yourselves that you love the LORD your God. Otherwise, if you go back in any way, and hold to those left of these nations, these that remain among you, and shall marry them and go in to them and they to you, know for a certainty that the LORD your God will no more drive out these nations from before you. But they shall be snares and traps to you, and whips in your sides, and thorns in your eyes, until you perish from off this good land which the LORD your God has given you. And behold, today I am going the way of all the earth. And you know in all your heart and in all your souls that not one thing has failed of all the good things which the LORD your God spoke concerning you. All have come to pass to you. Not one thing of it has failed. And it shall be, as comes to you every good thing which the LORD your God has spoken to you has come to you, so shall the LORD bring on you every evil thing until He has destroyed you from off this good land which the LORD your God has given you, when you transgress the covenant of the LORD your God, which He commanded you, and have gone and served other gods, and bowed yourselves to them, then shall the anger of the LORD be kindled against you, and you shall perish quickly from off the good land which He has given to you.

Follow the LORD your God, or you will lose your land. I find it interesting, there has been no mention of eternal life, heaven or hell up to this point. Must be New Testament thing.

Joshua 24

And Joshua gathered all the tribes of Israel to Shechem, and called for the elders of Israel, and for their heads, and for their judges, and for their officers. And they presented themselves before God. And Joshua said to all the people, So says the LORD God of Israel, Your fathers lived Beyond the River in times past, Terah the father of Abraham, and the father of Nahor, and they served other gods. And I took your father Abraham from Beyond the River, and led him throughout all the land of Canaan, and multiplied his seed and gave him Isaac. And I gave to Isaac Jacob and Esau. And I gave Esau Mount Seir for his own, but Jacob and his sons went down to Egypt. I sent Moses also, and Aaron, and I plagued Egypt, according to that which I did among them. And afterward I brought you out. And I brought your fathers out of Egypt. And you came to the sea, and the Egyptians followed after your fathers with chariots and horsemen to the Red Sea. And they cried to the LORD, He put darkness between you and the Egyptians, and brought the sea on them and covered them. And your eyes have seen what I have done in Egypt. And you lived in the wilderness a long time. And I brought you into the land of the Amorites who lived on the other side Jordan. And they fought with you, and I gave them into your hand so that you might possess their land. And I destroyed them from before you. Then Balak the son of Zippor, king of Moab, arose and warred against Israel, and sent and called Balaam the son of Beor to curse you. But I would not listen to Balaam. And he still blessed you. And I delivered you out of his hand. And you went over Jordan and came to Jericho. And the men of Jericho fought against you, the Amorites, and the Perizzites, and the Canaanites, and the Hittites, and the Girgashites, the Hivites, and the Jebusites. And I delivered them into your hand. And I sent the hornet before you, which drove them out from before you, the two kings of the Amorites, not with your sword, nor with your bow. And I have given you a land for which you did not labor, and cities which you did not build, and you live in them. You now eat of the vineyards and olive-yards which you did not plant. Now, then, fear the LORD, and serve Him in sincerity and truth. And put away the gods which your fathers served on the other side of the flood, and in Egypt, and serve the LORD.

Recap of the everything you have read so far. You don’t need to read the last 200,000 words or so, Joshua 24 sums up everything nicely.

And if it seems evil to you to serve the LORD, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods which your fathers served Beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you live. But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD. And the people answered and said, Far be it from us to forsake the LORD to serve other gods. For the LORD our God is He who brought us and our fathers up out of the land of Egypt, from the house of bondage. And He did those great wonders in our sight, and kept us in all our way in which we went and among all the people through whom we passed. And the LORD drove out from before us all the people, even the Amorites who lived in the land. We will also serve the LORD, for He is our God. And Joshua said to the people, You cannot serve the LORD, for He is a holy God. He is a jealous God. He will not forgive your transgressions nor your sins. If you forsake the LORD and serve strange gods, then He will turn and do you harm, and destroy you after He has done you good. And the people said to Joshua, No, but we will serve the LORD. And Joshua said to the people, You are witnesses against yourselves that you have chosen the LORD, to serve Him. And they said, We are witnesses. And now put away the strange gods among you, and incline your heart to the LORD God of Israel. And the people said to Joshua, We will serve the LORD our God, and His voice we will obey. And Joshua made a covenant with the people that day, and set them a statute and an ordinance in Shechem. And Joshua wrote these words in the book of the law of God, and took a great stone and set it up there under an oak by the sanctuary of the LORD. And Joshua said to all the people, Behold, this stone shall be a witness to us, for it has heard all the words of the LORD which He spoke to us. It shall therefore be a witness to you, lest you deny your God. And Joshua sent away the people, each man to his inheritance.

To the people writing this book, other gods were just as real. The constant reminders to continue to worship this god calls into question the powers of this LORD.

And it happened after these things, Joshua, the son of Nun, the servant of the LORD, died, being a hundred and ten years old. And they buried him in the border of his inheritance in Timnath-serah in mount Ephraim, on the north side of the hill of Gaash. And Israel served the LORD all the days of Joshua, and all the days of the elders who outlived Joshua, and who had known all the works of the LORD that He had done for Israel. And the bones of Joseph, which the sons of Israel brought up out of Egypt, they buried in Shechem, in a piece of ground which Jacob bought from the sons of Hamor the father of Shechem for a hundred pieces of silver. And it became the inheritance of the sons of Joseph. And Eleazar the son of Aaron died. And they buried him in a hill belonging to Phinehas his son, which was given him in mount Ephraim.

Joshua dies and is buried with his ancestors. This book of the Bible started well, but half way through it fell into the pit of boredom and copy and paste. I am just shocked how much repetition there is in the Bible and how much bloodshed there is. My guess all of the ‘wars’ in this book are just local skirmishes between small tribes and if they happened, the numbers are completely made up.

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