Numbers 1 to 17

Numbers 1

And the LORD spoke to Moses in the wilderness of Sinai, in the tabernacle of the congregation, on the first day of the second month, in the second year after they had come out of the land of Egypt, saying, Take the sum of all the congregation of the sons of Israel, according to their families, by their fathers’ house, with the number of names, every male by their heads, from twenty years old and upward, all that are able to go forth to war in Israel. You and Aaron shall number them by their armies. And with you there shall be a man of every tribe, each one head of the house of his fathers. And these are the names of the men that shall stand with you: Of Reuben, Elizur, the son of Shedeur; Of Simeon, Shelumiel the son of Zurishaddai; of Judah, Nahshon the son of Amminadab; of Issachar, Nethaneel the son of Zuar; of Zebulun, Eliab the son of Helon; of the sons of Joseph; of Ephraim, Elishama the son of Ammihud; of Manasseh, Gamaliel the son of Pedahzur; of Benjamin, Abidan the son of Gideoni; of Dan, Ahiezer the son of Ammishaddai; of Asher, Pagiel the son of Ocran; of Gad, Eliasaph the son of Reuel; of Naphtali, Ahira the son of Enan. These were the noted ones of the congregation, rulers of the tribes of their fathers, heads of thousands in Israel.

Go to war, list all the names of the people.

And Moses and Aaron took these men who are called by name. And they gathered all the congregation on the first day of the second month. And they declared their pedigrees according to their families, by their fathers’ house, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, by their heads. As the LORD commanded Moses, so he numbered them in the wilderness of Sinai. And the sons of Reuben, Israel’s first-born son, by their generations, according to their families, by their fathers’ house, according to the number of the names, by their heads, every male from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war: those numbered of them, of the tribe of Reuben were forty-six thousand, five hundred. Of the sons of Simeon, by their generations, according to their families, by their fathers’ house, those that were numbered of them, according to the number of the names, by their heads, every male from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war: those numbered of them, of the tribe of Simeon, were fifty-nine thousand, three hundred. Of the sons of Gad, by their generations, according to their families, by their fathers’ house, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war: those numbered of the tribe of Gad, were forty-five thousand, six hundred and fifty. Of the sons of Judah, by their generations, according to their families, by their fathers’ house, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all able to go forth to war: those numbered of them, of the tribe of Judah, were seventy-four thousand, six hundred. Of the sons of Issachar, by their generations, according to their families, by their fathers’ house, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war: those numbered of them, of the tribe of Issachar, were fifty-four thousand, four hundred. Of the sons of Zebulun, by their generations, according to their families, by their fathers’ house, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war: those numbered of them, of the tribe of Zebulun, were fifty-seven thousand, four hundred. Of the sons of Joseph, of the sons of Ephraim, by their generations, according to their families, by their fathers’ house, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war: those numbered of them, of the tribe of Ephraim, were forty thousand, five hundred. Of the sons of Manasseh, by their generations, according to their families, by their fathers’ house, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war: those numbered of them, of the tribe of Manasseh, were thirty-two thousand, two hundred. Of the sons of Benjamin, by their generations, according to their families, by their fathers’ house, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war: those numbered of them, of the tribe of Benjamin, were thirty-five thousand, four hundred. Of the sons of Dan, by their generations, according to their families, by their fathers’ house, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war: those numbered of them, of the tribe of Dan, were sixty-two thousand, seven hundred. Of the sons of Asher, by their generations, according to their families, by their fathers’ house, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war: those numbered of them, of the tribe of Asher, were forty-one thousand, five hundred. Of the sons of Naphtali, by their generations, according to their families, by their fathers’ house, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war: those were numbered of them, of the tribe of Naphtali, were fifty-three thousand, four hundred.

So, let me get these right: there are over 600,000 able bodied Jew, males, over the age of 20. This means, if each man has a wife and just a couple of kids, we are looking at over 2,000,000 Jews, in the winderness. This number is such bullshit, it is just plain rediculous. To give some perspective, the poplation of all human on Earth in 1000 BCE was about 50 million. Then population of ancient Egypt, at its peak, was 2.5 million. So, somehow, you have 5% of the population of the Earth wandering the desert, for what seems like forever.

These are those who were numbered, whom Moses and Aaron numbered, and the rulers of Israel being twelve men. Each one was for the house of his fathers. And all those that were numbered of the sons of Israel, by their fathers’ house, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war in Israel: even all those who were numbered were six hundred three thousand, five hundred and fifty.

Liars.

But the Levites, according to the tribe of their fathers, were not numbered among them. For the LORD had spoken to Moses saying, Only you shall not number the tribe of Levi, neither take the sum of them among the sons of Israel. But you shall set the Levites over the tabernacle of testimony, and over all its vessels, and over all its things. They shall carry the tabernacle and all its vessels. And they shall serve it, and shall camp around the tabernacle. And when the tabernacle sets forth, the Levites shall take it down. And when the tabernacle is to be pitched, the Levites shall set it up. And the stranger who comes near shall be put to death. And the sons of Israel shall pitch their tents, each man by his own camp, and each man by his own banner, throughout their armies. But the Levites shall pitch around the tabernacle of testimony, so that there may be no wrath upon the congregation of the sons of Israel. And the Levites shall keep the charge of the tabernacle of testimony. And the sons of Israel did according to all that the LORD commanded Moses. So they did.

They use the Levi as a guard service for the tabernacle.

Numbers 2

And the LORD spoke to Moses and to Aaron, saying, Every man of the sons of Israel shall pitch by his own banner, with the banner of their father’s house. They shall pitch far off, around the tabernacle of the congregation.

And those who pitch on the east side toward the rising of the sun shall be those of the banner of the camp of Judah, throughout their armies. And Nahshon the son of Amminadab shall be captain of the sons of Judah. And his army, and those that were numbered of them, were seventy-four thousand, six hundred. And those that pitch next to him shall be the tribe of Issachar. And Nethaneel the son of Zuar shall be captain of the sons of Issachar. And his army, and those that were numbered of them were fifty-four thousand, and four hundred. And the tribe of Zebulun; the ruler of the sons of Zebulun shall be Eliab the son of Helon. And his army, and those numbered of them were fifty-seven thousand and four hundred. All that were numbered of the camp of Judah were a hundred and eighty-six thousand and four hundred, by their armies. They shall set forth first. On the south side shall be the standard of the camp of Reuben, according to their armies; the ruler of the sons of Reuben shall be Elizur the son of Shedeur. And his army, and those numbered of it, were forty-six thousand, five hundred. And those who pitch beside him shall be the tribe of Simeon. And the captain of the sons of Simeon shall be Shelumiel the son of Zurishaddai. And his army, and those numbered of them, were fifty-nine thousand, three hundred. Then the tribe of Gad. And the ruler of the sons of Gad shall be Eliasaph the son of Reuel. And his army, and those numbered of them, were forty-five thousand, six hundred and fifty. All that were numbered in the camp of Reuben were a hundred fifty-one thousand, four hundred and fifty, throughout their armies. And they shall go forward in the second rank. And the tabernacle of the congregation shall go forward with the camp of the Levites in the midst of the camp. As they camp, so they shall go forward, each man in his place, by their banners. On the west side shall be the banner of the camp of Ephraim, according to their armies. And the ruler of the sons of Ephraim shall be Elishama the son of Ammihud. And his army, and those numbered with them, were forty thousand, five hundred. And beside him shall be the tribe of Manasseh. And the ruler of the sons of Manasseh shall be Gamaliel the son of Pedahzur. And his army, and those numbered of them, were thirty-two thousand, two hundred. And the tribe of Benjamin; the ruler of the sons of Benjamin shall be Abidan the son of Gideoni. And his army, and those numbered of them were thirty-five thousand, four hundred. All that were numbered of the camp of Ephraim were a hundred eight thousand, one hundred, by their armies. And they shall go forward in the third rank. The banner of the camp of Dan shall be on the north side of their armies. And the ruler of the sons of Dan shall be Ahiezer the son of Ammishaddai. And his army, and those numbered of them, were sixty-two thousand, seven hundred. And those that camp beside him shall be the tribe of Asher. And the ruler of the sons of Asher shall be Pagiel the son of Ocran. And his army, and those numbered of them, were forty-one thousand, five hundred. Then the tribe of Naphtali. And the ruler of the sons of Naphtali shall be Ahira the son of Enan. And his army, and those numbered of them, were fifty-three thousand, four hundred. All those who were numbered in the camp of Dan were a hundred fifty-seven thousand, six hundred. They shall go last with their banners. These are those numbered of the sons of Israel, by their fathers’ house. All those numbered of the camps throughout their armies were six hundred three thousand, five hundred and fifty. But the Levites were not numbered among the sons of Israel, even as the LORD commanded Moses. And the sons of Israel did according to all that the LORD commanded Moses. So they pitched by their banners, and so they went forward, everyone according to their families, according to the house of their fathers.

Fuck, stupid details about how to lay out a camp. Who cares? All of these numbers are made up.

Numbers 3

These also are the generations of Aaron and Moses in the day the LORD spoke with Moses in Mount Sinai. And these are the names of the sons of Aaron: Nadab the first-born, and Abihu, Eleazar, and Ithamar. These are the names of the sons of Aaron, the priests who were anointed, whom he set apart to minister as priests. And Nadab and Abihu died before the LORD when they offered strange fire before the LORD in the wilderness of Sinai. And they had no sons. And Eleazar and Ithamar ministered as priest in the presence of Aaron their father. And the LORD spoke to Moses saying, Bring the tribe of Levi near, and present them before Aaron the priest, so that they may minister to him. And they shall keep his charge and the charge of the whole congregation before the tabernacle of the congregation, to do the service of the tabernacle. And they shall keep all the vessels of the tabernacle of the congregation, and the charge of the sons of Israel, to do the service of the tabernacle. And you shall give the Levites to Aaron and to his son. They are wholly given to him out of the sons of Israel. And you shall appoint Aaron and his sons, and they shall wait on their priest’s office. And the stranger who comes near shall be put to death. And the LORD spoke to Moses saying, And I, behold, I have taken the Levites from among the sons of Israel instead of all the first-born that open the womb among the sons of Israel. Therefore the Levites shall be Mine. Because all the first-born are Mine. On the day that I struck all the first-born in the land of Egypt I set apart to Myself all the first-born in Israel, both man and animal. They shall be Mine. I am the LORD.

Already said that.

And the LORD spoke to Moses in the wilderness of Sinai saying, Number the sons of Levi according to their fathers’ house, by their families. You shall number them, every male from a month old and upward. And Moses numbered them according to the word of the LORD, as he was commanded. And these were the sons of Levi by their names: Gershon, and Kohath, and Merari. And these were the names of the sons of Gershon by their families: Libni and Shimei. And the sons of Kohath by their families: Amram and Izehar, Hebron and Uzziel. And the sons of Merari by their families: Mahli and Mushi. These were the families of the Levites according to the house of their fathers. Of Gershon was the family of the Libnites, and the family of the Shimites. These are the families of the Gershonites. Those who were numbered of them, according to the number of all the males, from a month old and upward; those numbered of them were seven thousand, five hundred. The families of the Gershonites shall pitch behind the tabernacle westward. And the ruler of the house of the father of the Gershonites shall be Eliasaph the son of Lael. And the charge of the sons of Gershon in the tabernacle of the congregation shall be the tabernacle, and the tent, and its covering, and the veil for the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, and the hangings of the court, and the veil for the door of the court which is by the tabernacle and by the altar all around, and the cords of it, for all the service of it. And of Kohath was the family of the Amramites, and the family of the Izeharites, the family of the Hebronites, and the family of the Uzzielites. These were the families of the Kohathites. In number, all the males, from a month old and upward, were eight thousand and six hundred, keeping the charge of the sanctuary. The families of the sons of Kohath shall pitch on the side of the tabernacle southward. And the ruler of the house of the father of the families of the Kohathites shall be Elizaphan the son of Uzziel. And their charge shall be the ark, and the table, and the lampstand, and the altars, and the vessels of the sanctuary with which they minister, and the veil, and all the service of it. And Eleazar the son of Aaron the priest shall be chief over the leaders of the Levites, having the oversight of the ones who keep the charge of the sanctuary. Of Merari was the family of the Mahlites and the family of the Mushites. These are the families of Merari. And those numbered of them, according to the number of all the males from a month old and upward, were six thousand and two hundred. And the ruler of the house of the father of the families of Merari was Zuriel the son of Abihail. They pitched on the side of the tabernacle northward. And the office and charge of the sons of Merari were the boards of the tabernacle, and its bars, and its pillars, and its sockets, and its vessels, and all its service, and the pillars of the court all around, and their sockets, and their pins, and their cords. And those who camp before the tabernacle toward the east, before the tabernacle of the congregation eastward, shall be Moses, and Aaron and his sons, keeping the charge of the sanctuary for the charge of the sons of Israel. And the stranger that comes near shall be put to death. All who were numbered of the Levites, whom Moses and Aaron numbered at the command of the LORD, throughout their families, all the males from a month old and upward, were twenty-two thousand.

Already said this…in just the last passage.

And the LORD said to Moses, Number all the first-born of the males of the sons of Israel from a month old and upward, and take the number of their names. You shall take the Levites for Me, I am the LORD, in the place of all the first-born among the sons of Israel; and the cattle of the Levites instead of all the firstlings among the cattle of the sons of Israel. And as the LORD commanded him, Moses numbered all the first-born among the sons of Israel. And all the first-born males by the number of names, from a month old and upward, of those numbered of them, were twenty-two thousand two hundred and seventy-three. And the LORD spoke to Moses saying, Take the Levites instead of all the first-born among the sons of Israel, and the cattle of the Levites instead of their cattle. And the Levites shall be Mine. I am the LORD. And for those that are to be redeemed of the two hundred and seventy-three of the first-born of the sons of Israel, who are more than the Levites, you shall even take five shekels each by the head, according to the shekel of the sanctuary you shall take. (The shekel is twenty gerahs.) And you shall give to Aaron, and to his sons, the silver of the redeemed left over among them. And Moses took the redemption silver from those who were over and above the ones who were redeemed by the Levites. He took the silver from the first-born of the sons of Israel: one thousand three hundred and sixty-five shekels, according to the shekel of the sanctuary. And Moses gave the silver from those who were redeemed to Aaron and to his sons, according to the word of the LORD, as the LORD commanded Moses.

Collecting taxes on the basis of population. This population is fantastically large.

Numbers 4

And the LORD spoke to Moses and Aaron, saying, Take the sum of the sons of Kohath from among the sons of Levi, according to their families, by their fathers’ house, from thirty years old and upward even to fifty years, all that enter into the service, to do the work in the tabernacle of the congregation. This shall be the service of the sons of Kohath in the tabernacle of the congregation, the most holy place. And when the camp sets forth, Aaron and his sons shall come, and they shall take down the covering veil and cover the ark of testimony with it. And they shall put on it the covering of dugong skins, and shall spread over it a cloth wholly of blue, and shall put in its staves. And they shall spread a cloth of blue upon the table of showbread, and put the dishes on it, and the spoons, and the bowls, and the cups of the drink offering, and covers to cover it with. And the continual bread shall be on it. And they shall spread upon them a cloth of scarlet and cover it with a covering of dugong skins, and they shall put in its staves. And they shall take a cloth of blue and cover the lampstand of the light, and its lamps, and its tongs, and its fire-pans, and all the oil vessels of it, with which they serve it. And they shall put it and all the vessels of it inside a covering of dugong skins, and shall put it upon a bar. And upon the golden altar they shall spread a cloth of blue, and cover it with a covering of badgers’ skins, and they shall put the staves into it. And they shall take all the vessels of ministry with which they serve in the sanctuary, and put them in a cloth of blue, and cover them with a covering of dugong skins, and shall put them on a bar. And they shall take away the ashes from the altar, and spread a purple cloth on it. And they shall put on it all its vessels, with which they minister about it: the fire-pans, the flesh-hooks, and the shovels, and the basins, all the vessels of the altar. And they shall spread upon it a covering of dugong skins, and put the staves into it. And when Aaron and his sons have made an end of covering the sanctuary, and all the vessels of the sanctuary, when the camp is to set forward, then after that the sons of Kohath shall come to carry it. But they shall not touch any holy thing lest they die. These are the burden of the sons of Kohath in the tabernacle of the congregation. And to the office of Eleazar the son of Aaron the priest belongs the oil for the light, and the sweet incense, and the daily food offering, and the anointing oil, the oversight of all the tabernacle and of all that is in it, in the sanctuary and in its vessels. And the LORD spoke to Moses and to Aaron, saying, Do not cut off the tribe of the families of the Kohathites from among the Levites. But do this to them, and they shall live and not die when they approach the Holy of Holies. Aaron and his sons shall go in and appoint each one of them to his service and to his burden. But they shall not go in to watch when the holy things are covered, lest they die.

Cover every holy relic with a blue cloth. Thrilling.

And the LORD spoke to Moses, saying, Take also the sum of the sons of Gershon throughout the houses of their fathers by their families. From thirty years old and upward to fifty years old you shall number them, all that enter in to perform the service, to do the work in the tabernacle of the congregation. This is the service of the families of the Gershonites, to serve and to carry burdens. And they shall carry the curtains of the tabernacle, and the tabernacle of the congregation, its covering, and the covering of the dugong skins that is above upon it, and the hanging for the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, and the hangings of the court, and the hanging for the door of the gate of the court, which is by the tabernacle and by the altar all around, and their cords, and all the instruments of their service, and all that is made for them. So they shall serve. At the appointment of Aaron and his sons shall be all the service of the sons of the Gershonites, in all their burdens and in all their service. And you shall appoint all their burdens to the ones in charge. This is the service of the families of the sons of Gershon in the tabernacle of the congregation. And their charge shall be under the hand of Ithamar the son of Aaron the priest. You shall number the sons of Merari according to their families, by the house of their fathers. You shall number them from thirty years old and upward even to fifty years old, everyone who enters into the service, to do the work of the tabernacle of the congregation. And this is the charge of their burden, according to all their service in the tabernacle of the congregation: the boards of the tabernacle, and its bars, and its pillars, and its sockets, and the pillars of the court all around, and their sockets, and their pins, and their cords, with all their vessels, and with all their service. And you shall count the vessels of the charge of their burden by name. This is the service of the families of the sons of Merari, according to all their service, in the tabernacle of the congregation under the hand of Ithamar the son of Aaron the priest.

I really wish I could say I read ever word in that passage, but I didn’t. So, so boring and pointless.

And Moses and Aaron and the leaders of the congregation numbered the sons of the Kohathites according to their families, and according to the house of their fathers. They numbered them from thirty years old and upward even to fifty years old, everyone that entered into the service, for the work in the tabernacle of the congregation. And those numbered of them by their families were two thousand seven hundred and fifty. These were the ones that were numbered of the families of the Kohathites, all that might do service in the tabernacle of the congregation, which Moses and Aaron numbered according to the commandment of the LORD by the hand of Moses. And those that were numbered of the sons of Gershon throughout their families, and by their fathers’ house, from thirty years old and upward even to fifty years old, everyone that enters into the service for the work in the tabernacle of the congregation, even those that were numbered of them by their families, by their fathers’ house, were two thousand six hundred and thirty. These are the ones numbered of the families of the sons of Gershon, of all that might do service in the tabernacle of the congregation, whom Moses and Aaron numbered according to the command of the LORD. And those numbered of the families of the sons of Merari, throughout their families, by their fathers’ house, from thirty years old and upward even to fifty years old, everyone that enters into the service for the work in the tabernacle of the congregation, even those numbered of them according to their families, were three thousand, two hundred. These are those numbered of the families of the sons of Merari, whom Moses and Aaron numbered according to the word of the LORD by the hand of Moses. All those numbered of the Levites, whom Moses and Aaron and the rulers of Israel numbered, according to their families and according to their fathers’ house, from thirty years old and upward even to fifty years old, everyone that came to do the service of the ministry and the service of the burden in the tabernacle of the congregation, even those numbered of them were eight thousand, five hundred and eighty. According to the command of the LORD they were numbered by the hand of Moses, everyone according to his service and according to his burden. So they were numbered by him as the LORD commanded Moses.

I am not adding this numbers up. Feel free and post what the demographic breadown of these Jews. I dare you.

Numbers 5

And the LORD spoke to Moses, saying, Command the sons of Israel that they put out of the camp every leper and everyone that has an issue, and whoever is defiled by a dead body. You shall put out both male and female. You shall put them outside the camp so that they do not defile their camps in the midst of which I dwell. And the sons of Israel did so, and put them out outside the camp. Even as the LORD spoke to Moses, so the sons of Israel did. And the LORD spoke to Moses, saying, Speak to the sons of Israel: When a man or woman shall commit any sin that men commit, to commit a trespass against the LORD, and that person is guilty, then they shall confess their sin which they have done. And he shall make restitution for his guilt in full, and add to it one fifth of it, and give it to him against whom he has sinned. But if the man has no kinsman to whom he may make restitution for the guilt, the guilt which is restored shall be given to the LORD, to the priest, besides the ram of the atonement by which an atonement shall be made for him. And every offering of all the holy things of the sons of Israel which they shall bring to the priest, shall be his. And every man’s devoted things shall be his. Whatever any man gives the priest, it shall be his.

And the LORD spoke to Moses, saying, Speak to the sons of Israel and say to them, If any man’s wife goes astray, and has committed a trespass against him, and a man lie with her carnally, and if it is hidden from the eyes of her husband and is kept hidden, and she is defiled, and there is no witness against her, neither is she taken in the act; and if the spirit of jealousy comes upon him and he is jealous of his wife, and she is defiled– or if the spirit of jealousy comes upon him and he is jealous of his wife, and she is not defiled– then the man shall bring his wife to the priest. And he shall bring her offering for her, the tenth of an ephah of barley meal. He shall pour no oil upon it, nor put frankincense on it, for it is an offering of jealousy, a reminding offering, bringing iniquity to mind. And the priest shall bring her near and set her before the LORD. And the priest shall take holy water in an earthen vessel. And the priest shall take of the dust that is in the floor of the tabernacle and put it into the water. And the priest shall set the woman before the LORD, and uncover the woman’s head, and put the reminding offering in her hands, which is the jealousy offering. And the priest shall have in his hand the bitter water that causes the curse. And the priest shall charge her by an oath, and say to the woman, If no man has lain with you, and if you have not gone aside to uncleanness, being under your husband, you are free from this bitter water that causes the curse. But if you have gone aside, being under your husband, and if you are defiled and some man besides your husband has given his semen to you, then the priest shall charge the woman with an oath of cursing. And the priest shall say to the woman, The LORD make you a curse and an oath among your people, when the LORD makes your thigh to fall away and your belly to swell. And this water that causes the curse shall go into your bowels to make your belly swell and your thigh fall away. And the woman shall say, Amen, amen. And the priest shall write these curses in a book, and he shall blot them out with the bitter water. And he shall cause the woman to drink the bitter water that causes the curse. And the water that causes the curse shall enter into her and become bitter. Then the priest shall take the jealousy offering out of the woman’s hand and shall wave the offering before the LORD, and offer it upon the altar. And the priest shall take a handful of the offering, as a memorial of it, and burn it upon the altar, and afterward he shall cause the woman to drink the water. And when he has made her drink the water, then it shall be, if she is defiled and has committed a trespass against to her husband, the water that causes the curse shall enter into her and become bitter. And her belly shall swell, and her thigh shall fall away. And the woman shall be a curse among her people. And if the woman is not defiled, but is clean, then she shall be clean, and shall conceive seed. This is the law of jealousies when a woman goes aside, being under her husband, and is defiled. Or when the spirit of jealousy comes on a man, and he is jealous over his wife, and shall set the woman before the LORD, and the priest shall execute upon her all this law. Then shall the man be guiltless from iniquity, and the woman shall bear her iniquity.

Wow, if you can’t catch her cheating, but the husband feels jealous, you can accuse her. Then make her ‘drink bitter waters’ and cause what sounds like an abortion. This is a really disturbing.

Numbers 6

And the LORD spoke to Moses, saying, Speak to the sons of Israel, and say to them, When a man or woman shall separate in order to vow a vow of a Nazarite, in order to separate to the LORD, he shall separate from wine and strong drink and shall drink no vinegar of wine, or vinegar of strong drink; neither shall he drink any liquor of grapes, nor eat moist grapes or dried. All the days of his Nazariteship he shall eat nothing that is made of the vine tree, from the kernels even to the husk. All the days of his vow to separate, no razor shall come upon his head. Until all the days are fulfilled in which he separates to the LORD, he shall be holy. He shall let the locks of the hair of his head grow. All the days that he separates to the LORD, he shall not come near any dead body. He shall not make himself unclean for his father, or for his mother, or for his brother, or for his sister, when they die, because his separation to his God is upon his head. All the days of his separation he is holy to the LORD. And if any man dies very suddenly beside him, and he has defiled the head of his consecration, then he shall shave his head in the day of his cleansing, on the seventh day he shall shave it. And on the eighth day he shall bring two turtle-doves or two young pigeons to the priest, to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation. And the priest shall offer the one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt offering, and make an atonement for him, because he sinned by the dead, and shall make his head holy that same day. And he shall set apart to the LORD the days of his separation, and shall bring a lamb of the first year for a guilt offering. But the former days shall be lost, because his separation was defiled. And this is the law of the Nazarite, when the days of his separation are fulfilled. He shall be brought to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation. And he shall offer his offering to the LORD: one male lamb of the first year without blemish for a burnt offering, and one ewe lamb of the first year without blemish for a sin offering, and one ram without blemish for peace offerings, and a basket of unleavened cakes of fine flour, cakes mixed with oil, and unleavened wafers anointed with oil, and their food offerings and their drink offerings. And the priest shall bring them before the LORD and shall offer his sin offering and his burnt offering. And he shall offer the ram for a sacrifice of peace offerings to the LORD, with the basket of unleavened bread. The priest shall offer also his food offering and his drink offering. And the Nazarite shall shave the head of his separation at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, and shall take the hair of the head of his separation and put it in the fire under the sacrifice of the peace offerings. And the priest shall take the boiled shoulder of the ram and one unleavened cake out of the basket, and one unleavened wafer, and shall put them on the hands of the Nazarite, after his separation has been shaved. And the priest shall wave them for a wave offering before the LORD. This is holy for the priest, with the wave breast and heave shoulder. And afterward the Nazarite may drink wine. This is the law of the Nazarite who has vowed his offering to the LORD for his separation, besides that which he is able to get. According to the vow which he vowed, so he must do according to the law of his separation.

So when you are mourning, shave your head and kill two doves? Then, cook a meal. This was just a big pile of confusing.

And the LORD spoke to Moses, saying, Speak to Aaron and to his sons saying, In this way you shall bless the sons of Israel, saying to them, The LORD bless you and keep you. The LORD make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you. The LORD lift up His face to you and give you peace. And they shall put My name upon the sons of Israel. And I, I will bless them.

And I bless you too.

Numbers 7

And it happened on the day that Moses had fully set up the tabernacle, and had anointed it and sanctified it, and all the vessels of it, both the altar and all its vessels, and had anointed them and sanctified them, and the rulers of Israel offered, the head men of their fathers’ house, the rulers of the tribes; these were they who stood over the numbered ones. And they brought their offerings before the LORD: six covered wagons and twelve oxen, a wagon for two of the rulers, an ox for each one. And they brought them before the tabernacle. And the LORD spoke to Moses saying, Take it from them so that they may be used in doing the service of the tabernacle of the congregation. And you shall give them to the Levites, to every man according to his service. And Moses took the wagons and the oxen and gave them to the Levites. He gave two wagons and four oxen to the sons of Gershon, according to their service. And he gave four wagons and eight oxen to the sons of Merari, according to their service, under the hand of Ithamar, the son of Aaron the priest. But to the sons of Kohath he did not give any, because the service of the sanctuary belonging to them was that which they should carry upon their shoulders.

As exciting as reading a grocery receipt.

And the rulers offered for the dedication of the altar in the day that it was anointed, even the rulers offered their offering before the altar. And the LORD said to Moses, They shall offer their offering, each ruler on his day, for the dedication of the altar. And he that offered his offering the first day was Nahshon the son of Amminadab, of the tribe of Judah. And his offering was one silver dish, and its weight hundred and thirty shekels; one silver basin of seventy shekels, according to the shekel of the sanctuary; both of them full of fine flour mixed with oil for a food offering; one golden pan of ten shekels full of incense; one young bull, one ram, one lamb of the first year for a burnt offering; one male of the goats for a sin offering; and for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five male goats, five lambs of the first year. This was the offering of Nahshon the son of Amminadab. On the second day Nethaneel the son of Zuar, ruler of Issachar, offered. He offered for his offering one silver dish, and its weight a hundred thirty shekels according to the sanctuary shekel; one silver bowl of seventy shekels according to the sanctuary shekel, both of them full of fine flour mixed with oil for a food offering; one golden pan of ten shekels, full of incense; one young bull, one ram, one lamb of the first year for a burnt offering; one male of the goats for a sin offering; and for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five male goats, five lambs of the first year. This was the offering of Nethaneel the son of Zuar. On the third day Eliab the son of Helon, ruler of the sons of Zebulun, offered. His offering was one silver dish, its weight a hundred thirty shekels according to the sanctuary shekel; one silver basin of seventy shekels according to the sanctuary shekel; both of them full of fine flour mixed with oil for a food offering; one golden pan of ten shekels, full of incense; one young bull, one ram, one lamb of the first year for a burnt offering; one male of the goats for a sin offering; and for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five male goats, five lambs of the first year. This was the offering of Eliab the son of Helon. On the fourth day Elizur the son of Shedeur, ruler of the sons of Reuben, offered. His offering was one silver dish, its weight a hundred thirty shekels according to the sanctuary shekel; one silver basin of seventy shekels according to the sanctuary shekel; both of them full of fine flour mixed with oil for a food offering; one golden pan of ten shekels, full of incense; one young bull, one ram, one lamb of the first year for a burnt offering; one male of the goats for a sin offering; and for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five male goats, five lambs of the first year. This was the offering of Elizur the son of Shedeur. On the fifth day Shelumiel the son of Zurishaddai, ruler of the sons of Simeon, offered. His offering was one silver dish, its weight a hundred thirty shekels according to the sanctuary shekel; one silver basin of seventy shekels according to the sanctuary shekel; both of them full of fine flour mixed with oil for a food offering; one golden pan of ten shekels, full of incense; one young bull, one ram, one lamb of the first year for a burnt offering; one male of the goats for a sin offering; and for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five male goats, five lambs of the first year. This was the offering of Shelumiel the son of Zurishaddai. On the sixth day Eliasaph the son of Reuel, ruler of the sons of Gad, offered. His offering was one silver dish, its weight a hundred thirty shekels according to the sanctuary shekel; one silver basin of seventy shekels according to the sanctuary shekel; both of them full of fine flour mixed with oil for a food offering; one golden pan of ten shekels, full of incense; one young bull, one ram, one lamb of the first year for a burnt offering; one male of the goats for a sin offering; and for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five male goats, five lambs of the first year. This was the offering Eliasaph the son of Reuel. On the seventh day Elishama the son of Ammihud, ruler of the sons of Ephraim, offered: His offering was one silver dish, its weight a hundred thirty shekels according to the sanctuary shekel; one silver basin of seventy shekels according to the sanctuary shekel; both of them full of fine flour mixed with oil for a food offering; one golden pan of ten shekels, full of incense; one young bull, one ram, one lamb of the first year for a burnt offering; one male of the goats for a sin offering; and for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five male goats, five lambs of the first year. This was the offering of Elishama the son of Ammihud. On the eighth day Gamaliel the son of Pedahzur, ruler of the sons of Manasseh, offered: His offering was one silver dish, its weight a hundred thirty shekels according to the sanctuary shekel; one silver basin of seventy shekels according to the sanctuary shekel; both of them full of fine flour mixed with oil for a food offering; one golden pan of ten shekels, full of incense; one young bull; one ram; one lamb of the first year for a burnt offering; one male of the goats for a sin offering; and for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five male goats, five lambs of the first year. This was the offering of Gamaliel the son of Pedahzur. On the ninth day Abidan the son of Gideoni, ruler of the sons of Benjamin, offered: His offering was one silver dish, its weight a hundred thirty shekels according to the sanctuary shekel; one silver basin of seventy shekels according to the sanctuary shekel; both of them full of fine flour mixed with oil for a food offering; one golden pan of ten shekels, full of incense; one young bull, one ram, one lamb of the first year for a burnt offering; one male of the goats for a sin offering; and for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five male goats, five lambs of the first year. This was the offering of Abidan the son of Gideoni. On the tenth day Ahiezer the son of Ammishaddai, ruler of the sons of Dan, offered: His offering was one silver dish, its weight a hundred thirty shekels according to the sanctuary shekel; one silver basin of seventy shekels according to the sanctuary shekel; both of them full of fine flour mixed with oil for a food offering; one golden pan of ten shekels, full of incense; one young bull, one ram, one lamb of the first year for a burnt offering; one male of the goats for a sin offering; and for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five male goats, five lambs of the first year. This was the offering of Ahiezer son of Ammishaddai. On the eleventh day Pagiel the son of Ocran, ruler of the sons of Asher, offered: His offering was one silver dish, its weight a hundred thirty shekels according to the sanctuary shekel; one silver basin of seventy shekels according to the sanctuary shekel; both of them full of fine flour mixed with oil for a food offering; one golden pan of ten shekels, full of incense; one young bull, one ram, one lamb of the first year for a burnt offering; one male of the goats for a sin offering; and for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five male goats, five lambs of the first year. This was the offering of Pagiel the son of Ocran. On the twelfth day Ahira the son of Enan, ruler of the sons of Naphtali, offered: His offering was one silver dish, its weight a hundred thirty shekels according to the sanctuary shekel; one silver basin of seventy shekels according to the sanctuary shekel; of seventy shekels, according to the shekel of the sanctuary, both of them full of fine flour mixed with oil for a food offering; one golden pan of ten shekels, full of incense; one young bull, one ram, one lamb of the first year for a burnt offering; one male of the goats for a sin offering; and for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five male goats, five lambs of the first year. This was the offering of Ahira the son of Enan. This was the dedication of the altar, in the day when it was anointed, by the rulers of Israel: twelve platters of silver, twelve silver basins, twelve golden pans. Each silver dish weighed a hundred and thirty shekels, each basin seventy. All the silver vessels weighed two thousand and four hundred shekels, according to the sanctuary shekel. twelve golden pans, full of incense, ten shekels each, according to the sanctuary shekel. All the gold of the pans was a hundred and twenty shekels. All the animals for the burnt offerings were twelve bulls, the rams twelve, the lambs of the first year twelve, with their food offering. And the males of the goats for a sin offering twelve. And all the animals for the sacrifice of the peace offerings were twenty-four bulls, the rams sixty, the male goats sixty, the lambs of the first year sixty. This was the dedication of the altar after it was anointed. And when Moses had gone into the tabernacle of the congregation to speak with Him, then he heard the voice of One speaking to him from the mercy-seat on the ark of testimony, from between the two cherubs. And He spoke to him.

I really, really, really feel bad for the clerics who copied this verbal spreadsheet, by hand, hundreds of times.

Numbers 8

And the LORD spoke to Moses saying, Speak to Aaron, and say to him, When you bring the lamps, the seven lamps shall give light in front of the lampstand. And Aaron did so. He lighted its lamps in front of the lampstand, as the LORD commanded Moses. And this work of the lampstand was of beaten gold, to its base and to its blossoms; it was beaten work. According to the pattern which the LORD had showed Moses, so he made the lampstand.

The LORD cares about lampstands? Really?

And the LORD spoke to Moses saying, Take the Levites from among the sons of Israel, and purify them. And in this way shall you do to them to purify them. Sprinkle water of sin-offering on them, and let them shave all their flesh and wash their clothes, and make themselves clean. Then let them take a young bull with its food offering, fine flour mixed with oil, and another young bull shall you take for a sin offering. And you shall bring the Levites before the tabernacle of the congregation. And you shall gather the whole assembly of the sons of Israel together. And you shall bring the Levites before the LORD. And the sons of Israel shall put their hands upon the Levites. And Aaron shall offer the Levites before the LORD for an offering of the sons of Israel, so that they may do the service of the LORD. And the Levites shall lay their hands upon the heads of the bulls. And you shall offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering, to the LORD, to make an atonement for the Levites. And you shall set the Levites before Aaron, and before his sons, and offer them for an offering to the LORD. So you shall separate the Levites from among the sons of Israel. And the Levites shall be Mine. And after that the Levites shall go in to do the service of the tabernacle of the congregation. And you shall purify them and offer them for a wave offering. For they are wholly given to Me from among the sons of Israel, instead of those that open every womb. The first-born of all the sons of Israel, I have taken them to Me. For all the first-born of the sons of Israel are Mine, both man and animal. On the day that I struck every first-born in the land of Egypt I set them apart for Myself. And I have taken the Levites for all the first-born of the sons of Israel. And I have given the Levites as a gift to Aaron and to his sons from among the sons of Israel, to do the service of the sons of Israel in the tabernacle of the congregation, and to make an atonement for the sons of Israel, so that there may be no plague among the sons of Israel when the sons of Israel come near the sanctuary. And Moses and Aaron and all the congregation of the sons of Israel did to the Levites according to all that the LORD commanded Moses concerning the Levites. So the sons of Israel did to them. And the Levites purified themselves, and they washed their clothes. And Aaron offered them, an offering before the LORD. And Aaron made an atonement for them to purify them. And after that the Levites went in to do their service in the tabernacle of the congregation before Aaron and before his sons. Even as the LORD had commanded Moses concerning the Levites, so they did to them. And the LORD spoke to Moses saying, This is that which pertains to the Levites. From twenty-five years old and upward they shall go in to wait upon the service of the tabernacle of the congregation. And from the age of fifty years they shall stop waiting upon the service, and shall serve no more. But they shall minister with their brothers in the tabernacle of the congregation, to keep the charge; only he shall not serve at a service. So you shall do to the Levites as to their duties.

I want to see how many times fine flour is listed in the Bible…at least 36 times. Who cares?

Numbers 9

And the LORD spoke to Moses in the wilderness of Sinai, in the first month of the second year after they had come out of the land of Egypt, saying, Let the sons of Israel also keep the Passover at its appointed time. In the fourteenth day of this month, between the evenings, you shall keep it in its appointed time. You shall keep it according to all its statutes, and according to all the ceremonies of it. And Moses spoke to the sons of Israel to prepare the Passover. And they prepared the Passover on the fourteenth day of the first month between the evenings, in the wilderness of Sinai. According to all that the LORD commanded Moses, so all the sons of Israel did. And there were certain men who were defiled by the dead body of a man, so that they could not prepare the Passover on that day. And they came before Moses and before Aaron on that day. And those men said to him, We are defiled by the dead body of a man. Why are we kept back that we may not offer an offering of the LORD in its appointed time among the sons of Israel? And Moses said to them, You wait, and I will hear what the LORD will command about you. And the LORD spoke to Moses saying, Speak to the sons of Israel, saying, If any man of you or of your generations shall be unclean because of a dead body, or in a journey afar off, he shall still keep the Passover to the LORD. They shall keep it the fourteenth day of the second month at evening, eating it with unleavened cakes and bitter herbs. They shall leave none of it until the morning, nor break any bone of it. According to all the ordinances of the Passover they shall keep it. But the man that is clean, and is not in a journey, and holds back from preparing the Passover, even the same soul shall be cut off from among his people. Because he did not bring the offering of the LORD in His appointed time, that man shall bear his sin. And if a stranger shall live among you, and prepares the Passover to the LORD, he shall do according to the ordinance of the Passover, and according to its ordinance. You shall have one ordinance, both for the stranger and for him that was born in the land.

Yet another description of passover.

And on the day that the tabernacle was reared up, the cloud covered the tabernacle, even the tent of the testimony. And at evening it was upon the tabernacle, looking like fire, until the morning. So it was always. The cloud covered it, and it looked like fire by night. And when the cloud was taken up from the tabernacle, then after that the sons of Israel pulled up stakes. And in the place where the cloud stayed, there the sons of Israel pitched their tents. At the command of the LORD the sons of Israel pulled up stakes, and at the command of the LORD they pitched. As long as the cloud stayed upon the tabernacle they rested in camp. And when the cloud stayed long upon the tabernacle many days, then the sons of Israel kept the charge of the LORD and did not journey. And so when the cloud was a few days upon the tabernacle, according to the command of the LORD they remained in their tents, and according to the command of the LORD they pulled up stakes. And so when the cloud stayed from evening to the morning, and the cloud was taken up in the morning, then they pulled up stakes. Whether by day or by night that the cloud was taken up, they pulled up stakes. Whether it was two days, or a month, or a year, that the cloud stayed upon the tabernacle, remaining on it, the sons of Israel stayed in their tents and did not journey. But when it was taken up, they pulled up stakes. At the command of the LORD they encamped, and at the command of the LORD they pulled up stakes. They kept the charge of the LORD at the command of the LORD by the hand of Moses.

The pillar of smoke is back, described over and over and over again.

Numbers 10

And the LORD spoke to Moses saying, Make two trumpets of silver for yourself. You shall make them of beaten work. And they shall be used for the calling of the assembly and for causing the camps to go forward. And when they shall blow with them, all the assembly shall gather themselves to you at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation. And if they blow with one, then the rulers who are heads of the thousands of Israel shall gather themselves to you. When you blow an alarm, then the camps that lie on the east parts shall pull up. When you blow an alarm the second time, then the camps that lie on the south side shall pull up. They shall blow an alarm for their journeys. But when the congregation is to be gathered, you shall blow, but you shall not sound an alarm. And the sons of Aaron, the priests, shall blow with the trumpets. And they shall be to you for an ordinance forever throughout your generations. And if you go to war in your land against the enemy who fights against you, then you shall blow with the trumpets. And you shall be remembered before the LORD your God, and you shall be saved from your enemies. Also in the day of your gladness, and in your solemn days, and in the beginnings of your months, you shall blow with the trumpets over your burnt offerings, and over the sacrifices of your peace offerings, so that they may be to you for a memorial before your GOD. I am the LORD your God.

You know damn well there is no way two trumpets could announce anything with a tent city with 2,000,000 people.

And on the twentieth of the second month, in the second year, the cloud was taken up from the tabernacle of the testimony. And the sons of Israel pulled up in their journeyings out of the wilderness of Sinai. And the cloud rested in the wilderness of Paran. And at the mouth of Jehovah they first pulled up stakes, by the hand of Moses. And at the front the sons of Judah pulled up the standard of the camp by their armies. And over his army was Nahshon the son of Amminadab. And over the army of the tribe of the sons of Issachar was Nethaneel the son of Zuar. And over the army of the tribe of the sons of Zebulun was Eliab the son of Helon. And the tabernacle was taken down. And the sons of Gershon and the sons of Merari pulled up, carrying the tabernacle. And the standard of the camp of Reuben pulled up according to their armies. And over his army was Elizur the son of Shedeur. And over the army of the tribe of the sons of Simeon was Shelumiel the son of Zurishaddai. And over the army of the tribe of the sons of Gad was Eliasaph the son of Reuel. And the Kohathites pulled up carrying the sanctuary. And the tabernacle was set up before they came. And the standard of the camp of the sons of Ephraim pulled up according to their armies. And over his army was Elishama the son of Ammihud. And over the army of the tribe of the sons of Manasseh was Gamaliel the son of Pedahzur. And over the army of the tribe of the sons of Benjamin was Abidan the son of Gideoni. And the standard of the camp of the sons of Dan set forward, the rear guard of all the camps throughout their army. And over his army was Ahiezer the son of Ammishaddai. And over the army of the tribe of the sons of Asher was Pagiel, the son of Ocran. And over the army of the tribe of the sons of Naphtali was Ahira the son of Enan. These were the journeyings of the sons of Israel according to their armies when they pulled up.

Did you really have to list every name…again?

And Moses said to Hobab the son of Reuel the Midianite, Moses’ father-in-law: We are going to the place of which the LORD said, I will give it to you. Come with us, and we will do you good. For the LORD has spoken good concerning Israel. And he said to him, I will not go, but I will go to my own land and to my kindred. And he said, Please do not leave us, because you know how we are to camp in the wilderness, and so you may be to us for eyes. And it shall be, if you go with us, then it shall be, whatever goodness the LORD shall do to us, the same will we do to you. And they moved three days’ journey from the mountain of the LORD. And the ark of the covenant of the LORD went before them in the three days’ journey, to look for a resting-place for them. And the cloud of the LORD was upon them by day, when they pulled up out of the camp. And it happened when the ark pulled up, Moses said, Rise up, LORD, and let Your enemies be scattered, and let those who hate You flee before You. And when it rested, he said, Return, O LORD, to the many thousands of Israel.

The ark moves, flee before it.

Numbers 11

And the people were evil, as those complaining in the ears of the LORD. And the LORD heard, and His anger was kindled. And the fire of the LORD burned among them and burned up in the outermost parts of the camp. And the people cried to Moses. And when Moses prayed to the LORD, the fire was put out. And he called the name of the place Taberah, because the fire of the LORD burned among them.

These Jews just default to evil. Then, magic fire?

And the mixed multitude in their midst lusted with great lust. And the sons of Israel also turned and wept, and said, Who shall give us flesh to eat? We remember the fish which we ate freely in Egypt, the cucumbers, and the melons, and the leeks, and the onions, and the garlic. But now our soul is dried away; there is nothing at all besides this manna before our eyes. And the manna was like coriander seed, and the color of it was like the color of bdellium. The people went around and gathered, and ground it in mills, or beat it in a mortar, and baked in pans, and made cakes of it. And the taste of it was like the taste of fresh oil. And when the dew fell upon the camp in the night, the manna fell upon it. Then Moses heard the people weeping throughout their families, every man in the door of his tent. And the anger of the LORD was kindled greatly. Moses also was displeased. And Moses said to the LORD, Why have You afflicted Your servant? And why have I not found favor in Your sight, so that You lay the burden of all this people upon me? Have I conceived all this people? Did I bring them forth, that You should say to me, Carry them in your bosom like a nursing father carries the sucking child, to the land which You swore to their fathers? From where should I get flesh to give to all this people? For they weep to me, saying, Give us flesh that we may eat. I am not able to bear all this people alone, because it is too heavy for me. And if You are going to part this way with me, I beg You to kill me at once, if I have found favor in Your sight, and let me not see my misery.

The Jews are a bunch of whiny bitches, sick of eating manna. They would prefer slavery in Egypt, since they had cucumbers then.

And the LORD said to Moses, Gather to Me seventy men of the elders of Israel, whom you know to be the elders of the people, and the officers over them. And bring them to the tabernacle of the congregation so that they may stand there with you. And I will come down and talk with you there. And I will take of the spirit on you, and will put it on them, and they shall bear the burden of the people with you so that you do not bear it yourself alone. And say to the people, Sanctify yourselves for tomorrow, and you shall eat flesh. For you have wept in the ears of the Lord, saying, Who shall give us flesh to eat, for it was well with us in Egypt? Therefore the LORD will give you flesh, and you shall eat. You shall not eat one day, nor two days, nor five days, nor ten days, nor twenty days. Even a whole month, until it comes out at your nostrils, and it is hateful to you, because you have despised the LORD among you, and have wept before Him, saying, Why did we come out of Egypt? And Moses said, The people among whom I am are six hundred thousand footmen. And You have said, I will give them flesh so that they may eat a whole month! Shall the flocks and the herds be killed for them, to be enough for them? Or shall all the fish of the sea be gathered together for them, to be enough for them? And the LORD said to Moses, Has the LORD’s hand become short? You shall see now whether or not My word shall come to pass to you.

Still no motion in the story here.

And Moses went out and told the people the words of the LORD, and gathered the seventy men of the elders of the people, and set them all around the tabernacle. And the LORD came down in a cloud and spoke to him, and took of the spirit on him and gave it to the seventy elders. And it happened when the Spirit rested upon them, they prophesied. But they never did so again. But two of the men stayed in the camp; the name of the one was Eldad, and the name of the other was Medad. And the Spirit rested upon them. And they were of those who were written, but did not go out to the tabernacle. And they prophesied in the camp. And a young man ran and told Moses, and said, Eldad and Medad are prophesying in the camp. And Joshua the son of Nun, the servant of Moses, one of his young men, answered and said, My lord Moses, make them cease. And Moses said to him, Are you jealous for my sake? Would God that all the LORD’s people were prophets, that the LORD would put His Spirit upon them! And Moses went into the camp, he and the elders of Israel.

Pointless passage. I guess this is why there are less prophets now?

And a wind went forth from the LORD. And it cut off quails from the sea and let them fall by the camp, about a day’s journey on this side, and about a day’s journey on the other side, all around the camp, and about two cubits high upon the face of the earth. And the people stood up all that day and all night, and all the next day, and they gathered the quails. And he that gathered least gathered ten homers. And they spread them out for themselves all around the camp. And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, before it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD struck the people with a very great plague. And he called the name of that place Graves of Lust, because there they buried the people that lusted. And the people pulled up from the Graves of Lust to Hazeroth, and stayed at Hazeroth.

Ok, they get a pile of birds, a meter high, then the LORD gets pissed since they didn’t sacrifice some first? Or because the LORD does not want them to have meat? Or something?

Numbers 12

And Miriam and Aaron spoke against Moses because of the Cushite woman whom he had taken. For he had taken a Cushite woman. And they said, Has the LORD indeed spoken only by Moses? Has He not also spoken by us? And the LORD heard. (Now the man Moses was very meek, more than all the men on the face of the earth.)

So, after all Aaron has done with Moses, he calls him out about marrying a Cushite woman? Moses is very meek, since he is probably past the 120 year limit already.

And the LORD spoke suddenly to Moses and to Aaron and to Miriam, You three come out to the tabernacle of the congregation. And the three came out. And the LORD came down in the pillar of the cloud and stood in the door of the tabernacle, and called Aaron and Miriam. And they both came forth. And He said, Hear now My words. If there is a prophet among you, I the LORD will make Myself known to him in a vision, and will speak to him in a dream. Not so, My servant Moses. He is faithful in all My house. I will speak with him mouth to mouth, even clearly, and not in dark speeches. And he shall behold the likeness of the LORD. Why then were you not afraid to speak against My servant Moses? And the anger of the LORD was kindled against them, and He moved.

What? So the LORD appears, in the literal flesh, but then says I will talk to one of you in a dream? Why not speak to all three of them directly and be over with? The LORD, god of the obtuse.

And the cloud moved from the tabernacle. And behold! Miriam became leprous, as snow. And Aaron looked on Miriam, and behold, she was leprous. And Aaron said to Moses, Oh, my lord, I beg you, do not lay upon us the sin in which we have done foolishly, and in which we have sinned. Let her not be like one dead, of whom the flesh is half gone when he comes out of his mother’s womb. And Moses cried to the LORD saying, Heal her now, O God, I beseech You. And the LORD said to Moses, If her father had but spit in her face, should she not be ashamed seven days? Let her be shut out from the camp seven days, and after that let her be received. And Miriam was shut out from the camp seven days. And the people did not pull up until Miriam was brought in. And afterward the people moved from Hazeroth, and pitched in the wilderness of Paran.

The Bible really, really hates women. Father spitting in her face? The fuck.

Numbers 13

And the LORD spoke to Moses saying, Send men so that they may search the land of Canaan, which I give to the sons of Israel. You shall send a man from every tribe of their fathers, everyone a ruler among them. And Moses by the command of the LORD sent them from the wilderness of Paran. All those men were heads of the sons of Israel. And these were their names: Of the tribe of Reuben, Shammua the son of Zaccur. Of the tribe of Simeon, Shaphat the son of Hori. Of the tribe of Judah, Caleb the son of Jephunneh. Of the tribe of Issachar, Igal the son of Joseph. Of the tribe of Ephraim, Oshea the son of Nun. Of the tribe of Benjamin, Palti the son of Raphu. Of the tribe of Zebulun, Gaddiel the son of Sodi. Of the tribe of Joseph, of the tribe of Manasseh, Gaddi the son of Susi. Of the tribe of Dan, Ammiel the son of Gemalli. Of the tribe of Asher, Sethur the son of Michael. Of the tribe of Naphtali, Nahbi the son of Vophsi. Of the tribe of Gad, Geuel the son of Machi. These were the names of the men whom Moses sent to spy out the land. And Moses called Oshea the son of Nun Joshua. And Moses sent them to spy out the land of Canaan, and said to them, Go up this way, southward, and go up into the mountain. And see the land, what it is, and the people that live in it, whether it is strong or weak, few or many. And see what the land is that they live in, whether it is good or bad; and what cities they dwell in, whether in tents or in strongholds; and what the land is, whether fat or lean, whether there is wood in it or not. And be of good courage, and bring of the fruit of the land. Now the time was the time of first ripe grapes.

Again, really? Really? Let us know if the land you are about to conquer looks good.

So they went up and searched the land from the wilderness of Zin to Rehob, as men come to Hamath. And they went up by the south and came to Hebron, where Ahiman, Sheshai, and Talmai, the sons of Anak were. (Now Hebron was built seven years before Zoan in Egypt.) And they came to the valley of Eshcol and cut from there a branch with one cluster of grapes. And they carried it between two men upon a staff, and some of the pomegranates and of the figs. The place was called the valley of Eshcol because of the cluster of grapes which the sons of Israel cut down from there. And they returned from spying out the land after forty days.

That is a long ass spying mission.

And they left and came to Moses and to Aaron, and to all the congregation of the sons of Israel, to the wilderness of Paran, to Kadesh. And they brought back word to them and to all the congregation, and showed them the fruit of the land. And they told him and said, We came to the land where you sent us, and surely it flows with milk and honey. And this is the fruit of it. However, the people that dwell in the land are strong, and the cities are walled, very great. And also we saw the children of Anak there. The Amalekites dwell in the land of the south, and the Hittites, and the Jebusites, and the Amorites dwell in the mountains. And the Canaanites dwell by the sea and by the coast of Jordan. And Caleb stilled the people before Moses and said, Let us go up at once and possess it. For we are well able to overcome it. But the men that went up with him said, We are not able to go up against the people, for they are stronger than we. And they brought up an evil report of the land which they had searched to the sons of Israel, saying, The land through which we have gone to search it, is a land that eats up those who live in it. And all the people whom we saw in it were men of stature. And there we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, of the giants. And we were in our own sight like grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight.

You have literally the largest army on Earth at this point, but you see an army with giants(?) and an numerous as grasshoppers. Sounds like yet another tall tale or lie. Plus, there never were giants, ever. Completely made up.

Numbers 14

And all the congregation lifted up their voice and cried. And the people wept that night. And all the sons of Israel murmured against Moses and against Aaron. And the whole congregation said to them, Oh that we had died in the land of Egypt! Or, Oh that we had died in the wilderness! And why has the LORD brought us into this land to fall by the sword, so that our wives and our sons should be a prey? Would it not be better for us to return to Egypt? And they said to one another, Let us make a leader, and let us return to Egypt.

Fuck, I am sick of these whiny Jews. Go the fuck back to Egypt and be done with it.

And Moses and Aaron fell on their faces before all the assembly of the congregation of the sons of Israel. And Joshua the son of Nun, and Caleb the son of Jephunneh, of those that searched the land, tore their clothes. And they spoke to all the company of the sons of Israel saying, The land which we passed through to search is an exceedingly good land. If the LORD delights in us, then He will bring us into this land and give it to us, a land which flows with milk and honey. Only do not rebel against the LORD, neither fear the people of the land. For they are bread for us. Their protection has moved from them, and the LORD is with us. Do not fear them. But all the congregation said to stone them with stones. And the glory of the LORD appeared in the tabernacle of the congregation before all the sons of Israel.

Just fucking do it. Get on with it.

And the LORD said to Moses, How long will this people provoke Me? And how long will it be before they believe Me, for all the signs which I have shown among them? I will strike them with the pestilence and will disinherit them, and will make of you a greater nation and mightier than they. And Moses said to the LORD, Then the Egyptians will hear, for You have brought up this people in Your might from among them. And they will say to the inhabitant of this land. They have heard that You, LORD, are among this people, who is seen eye to eye. You are the LORD, and Your cloud stands over them, and You go before them in a pillar of cloud by day, and in a pillar of fire by night. And will you kill this people as one man? Then the nations who have heard Your fame will speak, saying, Because the LORD was not able to bring this people into the land which He swore to them, therefore He has slain them in the wilderness. And now, I beseech You, let the power of my Lord be great, according as You have spoken, saying, The LORD is long-suffering, and of great mercy, forgiving iniquity and transgression, and by no means clearing the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the sons to the third and fourth generation. I beseech You, pardon the iniquity of this people according to the greatness of Your mercy, and as You have forgiven this people from Egypt even until now.

Even in the narative, Moses brings up the fact that he appeared a pillar of fire. Why don’t they believe you are the LORD? The fuck.

And the LORD said, I have pardoned according to your word. But truly, as I live, all the earth shall be filled with the glory of the LORD. Because all those men who have seen My glory and My miracles which I did in Egypt and in the wilderness, and have tempted Me now these ten times, and have not listened to My voice, surely they shall not see the land which I swore to their fathers, neither shall any of them that provoked Me see it. But My servant Caleb, because he had another spirit with him, and has followed Me fully, I will bring him into the land into which he went. And his seed shall possess it. (Now the Amalekites and the Canaanites lived in the valley.) Tomorrow turn and go into the wilderness by the way of the Red Sea. And the LORD spoke to Moses and to Aaron, saying, How long shall I bear with this evil congregation, which murmurs against Me? I have heard the murmurings of the sons of Israel which they murmur against Me. Say to them, As I live, says the LORD, as you have spoken in My ears, so I will do to you. Your dead bodies shall fall in this wilderness, and all that were numbered of you, according to your whole number, from twenty years old and upward, who have murmured against Me, you shall certainly not come into the land which I swore to make you live in, except Caleb the son of Jephunneh, and Joshua the son of Nun. But your little ones, which you said should be a prey, I will bring them in and they shall know the land which you have despised. But as for you, your bodies shall fall in this wilderness. And your sons shall feed in the wilderness forty years and bear your fornications, until your dead bodies have wasted in the wilderness. According to the number of the days in which you searched the land– forty days– each day for a year you shall bear your iniquities, forty years; and you shall know my alienation. I the LORD have spoken; I will surely do it to all this evil congregation who are gathered together against Me. They shall be destroyed in this wilderness, and there they shall die.

Another 40 fucking years of this!!! Everyone who is alive now will have to be dead until we move the fuck on. Kill me. Speaking of that, the LORD is alive. If you are alive, you can die…just saying.

And the men whom Moses sent to spy out the land, who returned and made all the congregation to murmur against him, by bringing up an evil report upon the land, even those men that brought up the evil report upon the land died by the plague before the LORD. But Joshua the son of Nun, and Caleb the son of Jephunneh, of the men that went to spy out the land, lived. And Moses told these sayings to all the sons of Israel. And the people mourned greatly. And they rose up early in the morning and went up to the top of the mountain, saying, Lo, we are here, and will go up to the place which the LORD has promised, for we have sinned. And Moses said, Why do you now go beyond the command of the LORD, since it shall not be blessed? Do not go up, for the LORD is not among you. And shall you not be beaten before your enemies? For the Amalekites and the Canaanites are there before you, and you shall fall by the sword. Because you have turned away from the LORD, therefore the LORD will not be with you. But they presumed to go up to the hill top. But the ark of the covenant of the LORD, and Moses, did not leave the camp. And the Amalekites and the Canaanites who were living in that mountain came down and struck them, and beat them down, to Hormah.

Verbal masterbation. Nothing to see here.

Numbers 15

And the LORD spoke to Moses saying, Speak to the sons of Israel and say to them, When you have come into the land of your dwelling places, which I give to you, and will make an offering by fire to the LORD, a burnt offering or a sacrifice in performing a vow, or in a free-will offering, or in your solemn feasts, to make a sweet savor to the LORD, from the herd or from the flock, then he who offers his offering to the LORD shall bring a food offering of a tenth part of flour mixed with the fourth of a hin of oil. And the fourth of a hin of wine for a drink offering shall you prepare with the burnt offering, or sacrifice, for one lamb. Or for a ram, you shall prepare a food offering, two-tenth parts of flour mixed with the third of a hin of oil. And for a drink offering you shall offer the third of a hin of wine for a sweet savor to the LORD. And when you prepare a bull, a burnt offering, or a sacrifice in performing a vow, or peace offerings to the LORD, then he shall bring with the bull, a food offering of three-tenth parts of flour mixed with half a hin of oil. And you shall bring for a drink offering half a hin of wine, an offering made by fire, of a sweet savor to the LORD. So it shall be done for one bull, or for one ram, or for a lamb, or a kid. According to the number that you shall prepare, so you shall do to everyone according to their number. All that are born of the country shall do these things in this way, in offering an offering made by fire, of a sweet savor to the LORD. And if a stranger stays with you, or whoever is among you in your generations, and will offer an offering made by fire of a sweet savor to the LORD; as you do, so he shall do. One ordinance for you of the congregation and also for the stranger that resides with you, an ordinance forever in your generations. As you are, so the stranger shall be before the LORD. One law and one way shall be for you and for the stranger that lives with you. And the LORD spoke to Moses saying, Speak to the sons of Israel and say to them, When you come into the land where I bring you, then it shall be that when you eat of the bread of the land, you shall offer up a heave offering to the LORD. You shall offer up a cake of the first of your dough, a heave offering, as the heave offering of the threshing-floor, so you shall lift it up. Of the first of your dough you shall give to the LORD a heave offering in your generations.

More bread making. Who cares?

And if you have erred and have not done all these commandments which the LORD has spoken to Moses, all that the LORD has commanded you by the hand of Moses from the day that the LORD commanded, and onward in your generations, then it shall be if it is committed by ignorance without the knowledge of the congregation, all the congregation shall offer up one young bull for a burnt offering, for a sweet savor to the LORD, with its food offering and its drink offering, according to the ordinance, and one kid of the goats for a sin offering. And the priest shall make an atonement for all the congregation of the sons of Israel, and it shall be forgiven them, for it is ignorance. And they shall bring their offering, a sacrifice made by fire to the LORD, and their sin offering before the LORD, for their ignorance. And it shall be forgiven all the congregation of the sons of Israel and the stranger that lives among them, since all the people were in ignorance. And if one soul sins through ignorance, then he shall bring a female goat of the first year for a sin offering. And the priest shall make an atonement for the soul, when he sins through error before the LORD, to make an atonement for him. And it shall be forgiven him. And you shall have one law for him who acts through ignorance; for him that is native among the sons of Israel and for the alien that resides among them.

More fucking atonement offering rules.

But the soul who acts with a high hand, whether of the native or of the alien, the same blasphemes the LORD. And that soul shall be cut off from among his people. Because he has despised the word of the LORD and has broken His commandment, that soul shall be utterly cut off. His iniquity shall be upon him. And while the sons of Israel were in the wilderness, they found a man gathering sticks on the sabbath day. And those who found him gathering sticks brought him to Moses and Aaron and to all the congregation. And they put him under guard because it had not been clearly said what should be done to him. And the LORD said to Moses, The man shall surely be put to death. All the congregation shall stone him with stones outside the camp. And all the congregation brought him outside the camp and stoned him with stones, and he died, even as the LORD commanded Moses.

So, gathering wood on the sabbath is a DEATH SENTENCE. Really? What happened to thou shall not kill? Insane.

And the LORD spoke to Moses saying, Speak to the sons of Israel and command them that they make fringes in the borders of their garments throughout their generations, and that they put upon the fringe of the borders a ribbon of blue. And it shall be to you for a fringe, that you may look upon it and remember all the commands of the LORD, and do them; and so that you do not seek after your own heart and your own eyes, after which you prostitute yourself, that you may remember and do all My commands, and be holy to your God. I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, to be your God. I am the LORD your God.

Yeah, we get it, you are the LORD our God. Even when you live at the fringes of the camp.

Numbers 16

Now Korah, the son of Izhar, the son of Kohath, the son of Levi, took both Dathan and Abiram, the sons of Eliab, and On, the son of Peleth, sons of Reuben; even they rose up before Moses with some of the sons of Israel, two hundred and fifty rulers of the assembly, elect men in the congregation, men who were well-known. And they gathered themselves against Moses and against Aaron, and said to them, You take too much upon you, since all the congregation are holy, every one of them, and the LORD is among them. Why then do you lift yourselves up above the congregation of the LORD? And Moses heard and fell on his face. And he spoke to Korah and to all his company, saying, Even tomorrow the LORD will show who are His, and him who is holy, and will cause him to come near to Him; even him whom He has chosen, He will cause to come near to Him. Do this. Take fire-pans, Korah and all his company, and put fire in them, and put incense in them before the LORD tomorrow. And it shall be the man whom the LORD chooses, he shall be holy. You take too much upon you, sons of Levi! And Moses said to Korah, Hear now you sons of Levi; is it only a small thing to you that the God of Israel has separated you from the congregation of Israel, to bring you near Himself to do the service of the tabernacle of the LORD and to stand before the congregation to minister to them? And He has brought you near, and all your brothers the sons of Levi with you. And do you seek the priesthood also? For this cause you and all your company are gathered against the LORD. And what is Aaron, that you murmur against him?

GNDN, goes nowhere, does nothing.

And Moses sent to call Dathan and Abiram, the sons of Eliab. And they said, We will not come up. Is it a small thing that you have brought us up out of a land that flows with milk and honey, to kill us in the wilderness, but must you also seize dominion over us? Besides, you have not brought us into a land that flows with milk and honey, nor given us inheritance in fields and vineyards. Will you put out the eyes of these men? We will not come up. And Moses was very angry, and said to the LORD, Do not respect their offering. I have not taken one ass from them, neither have I hurt one of them. And Moses said to Korah, Stand before the LORD, you and all your company– you and they, and Aaron, tomorrow. And every man take his fire-pan and put incense in them, and let every man bring his fire-pan before the LORD, two hundred and fifty fire-pans, you also, and Aaron, each with his fire-pan. And every man took his fire-pan and put fire in them, and laid incense on it, and stood in the door of the tabernacle of the congregation with Moses and Aaron. And Korah gathered all the congregation against them, to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation. And the glory of the LORD appeared to all the congregation. And the LORD spoke to Moses and to Aaron, saying, Separate yourselves from among this congregation, so that I may devour them in a moment. And they fell upon their faces and said, O God, the God of the spirits of all flesh, shall one man sin and will You be angry with all the congregation?

Honest question. Do we all have to pay for the sins of one of the group?

And the LORD spoke to Moses saying, Speak to the congregation saying, Get away from the tent of Korah and Dathan and Abiram. And Moses rose up and went to Dathan and Abiram. And the elders of Israel followed him. And he spoke to the congregation, saying, I pray you, get away from the tents of these wicked men. And touch nothing of theirs lest you be destroyed in all their sins. So they got away from the tent of Korah, Dathan and Abiram, on every side. And Dathan and Abiram came out and stood in the door of their tents, and their wives, and their sons, and their little sons. And Moses said, By this you shall know that the LORD has sent me to do all these works, and that not from my own heart. If these men die the common death of all men, or if they are visited according to the examination of all men, the LORD has not sent me. But if the LORD makes a new thing, and the earth opens her mouth and swallows them up with all that they have, and they go down alive into the pit, then you shall understand that these men have provoked the LORD. And it happened, as he had made an end of speaking all these words, the ground under them split apart. And the earth opened her mouth and swallowed them up, and their households, and all the men who were for Korah, and all their goods. They and all that they had went down alive into Sheol, and the earth closed upon them. And they perished from among the congregation. And all Israel around them fled at their cry. For they said, Lest the earth swallow us up.

The earth opens up and KILLS men, women, and children? Really?

And there came out a fire from the LORD and burned up the two hundred and fifty men who offered incense. And the LORD spoke to Moses saying, Speak to Eleazar the son of Aaron the priest, that he take up the fire-pans out of the burning, and scatter the fire yonder. For they are holy. The fire-pans of these sinners against their own souls, let them make them into broad plates, a covering for the altar; for they offered them before the LORD, therefore they are made holy. And they shall be a sign to the sons of Israel. And Eleazar the priest took the bronze fire-pans, the ones with which those who had been burned up had offered, and they were made into broad plates, a covering of the altar, a memorial to the sons of Israel, that no stranger not of the seed of Aaron may come near to offer incense before the LORD, so that he may not be as Korah and as his company– as the LORD said to him by the hand of Moses.

The LORD kills 250 men, takes thier fire pans, and beats them into new covers of the altar.

But on the next day all the congregation of the sons of Israel murmured against Moses and against Aaron saying, You have killed the people of the LORD. And it happened when the congregation was gathered together against Moses and against Aaron, they looked toward the tabernacle of the congregation. And behold! The cloud covered it, and the glory of the LORD appeared. And Moses and Aaron came before the tabernacle of the congregation. And the LORD spoke to Moses saying, Get away from this congregation so that I may consume them as in a moment. And they fell upon their faces. And Moses said to Aaron, Take a fire-pan, and put fire in it from the altar, and put on incense, and go quickly to the congregation and make an atonement for them. For wrath has gone out from the LORD. The plague has begun. And Aaron did as Moses commanded and ran into the midst of the congregation. And behold! The plague had begun among the people. And he put on incense, and made an atonement for the people. And he stood between the dead and the living, and the plague was stayed. And those who died in the plague were fourteen thousand, seven hundred, besides the ones who died about the matter of Korah. And Aaron returned to Moses to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, and the plague was stayed.

Thousands of more dead. I should look up later if someone added up how many bodies are piled up in this horrid book.