Genesis 25 to 50

I really didn’t want to create 50 sub pages, so the last half of the book of Genesis is here.

Genesis 25

Then again Abraham took a wife, and her name was Keturah. And she bore him Zimran, and Jokshan, and Medan, and Midian, and Ishbak, and Shuah. And Jokshan fathered Sheba and Dedan. And the sons of Dedan were Asshurim and Letushim and Leummim. And the sons of Midian: Ephah and Epher and Hanoch and Abida and Eldaah. All these were the sons of Keturah. And Abraham gave all that he had to Isaac. But to the sons of the concubines which Abraham had, Abraham gave gifts. And he sent them away from Isaac his son while he still lived, eastward to the east country. And these are the days of the years of Abraham’s life, which he lived: a hundred seventy-five years. And Abraham expired and died in a good old age, old and satisfied. And he was gathered to his people. And his sons Isaac and Ishmael buried him in the cave of Machpelah, in the field of Ephron the son of Zohar the Hittite, which is before Mamre, the field which Abraham bought from the sons of Heth. Abraham and Sarah his wife were buried there.

Still not enforcing the 120 year rule. 175 years old, ‘good old age’ followed by a lot of boring genealogy, again.

And after the death of Abraham, it happened that God blessed his son Isaac. And Isaac lived by The Well of the Living One, My Beholder. And these are the generations of Ishmael, Abraham’s son, whom Hagar the Egyptian, Sarah’s handmaid, bore to Abraham. And these are the names of the sons of Ishmael, by their names, according to their generations. The first-born of Ishmael was Nebajoth; and Kedar, and Adbeel, and Mibsam, and Mishma, and Dumah, and Massa, Hadad, and Tema and Jetur, Naphish, and Kedemah. These were the sons of Ishmael, and these were their names, by their towns and by their settlements; twelve chiefs according to their nations. And these were the years of the life of Ishmael, a hundred thirty-seven years. And he expired and died, and was gathered to his people. And they lived from Havilah to Shur, which is before Egypt, as you go toward Assyria. And he died in the presence of all his brothers.

The wild man had a really decent life, and lived 137 years.

And these were the generations of Isaac, Abraham’s son. Abraham fathered Isaac. And Isaac was forty years old when he took Rebekah to wife, the daughter of Bethuel the Syrian of Padan-aram, the sister of Laban the Syrian. And Isaac prayed to the LORD for his wife, because she was barren. And the LORD heard him, and Rebekah his wife conceived. And the sons struggled together within her. And she said, If it is so, why am I this way? And she went to inquire of the LORD. And the LORD said to her, Two nations are in your womb, and two kinds of people shall be separated from your bowels. And the one people shall be stronger than the other people, the older shall serve the younger. And when her days to be delivered were fulfilled, behold, twins were in her womb! And the first came out red, all over like a hairy garment. And they called his name Esau. And after that his brother came out, and his hand took hold on Esau’s heel. And his name was called Jacob. And Isaac was sixty years old when she bore them. And the boys grew. And Esau was a man knowing hunting, and Jacob was a simple man, living in tents. And Isaac loved Esau, for game was in his mouth. But Rebekah loved Jacob.

Parents favoring one child over the other is never a good thing.

And Jacob boiled soup. And Esau came from the field, and he was faint. And Esau said to Jacob, I beg you, Let me eat of the red, this red soup, for I am faint. Therefore his name was called Edom. And Jacob said, Sell me your birthright today. And Esau said, Behold, I am at the point of dying, and what profit shall this birthright be to me? And Jacob said, Swear to me this day. And he swore to him, and he sold his birthright to Jacob. Then Jacob gave Esau bread and soup of lentils. And he ate and drank, and rose up and went his way. And Esau despised his birthright.

He gave away his birthright for some bread and lentil soup? Really? I am sure this story has some deeper meaning, but it comes across as silly.

Genesis 26

And there was a famine in the land, besides the famine that was in the days of Abraham. And Isaac went to Abimelech king of the Philistines to Gerar. And the LORD appeared to him and said, Do not go down into Egypt. Live in the land which I shall tell you of. Stay in this land, and I will be with you and bless you. For to you and to your seed I will give all these lands; and I will establish the oath which I swore to Abraham your father. And I will make your seed to multiply as the stars of the heavens, and will give to your seed all these lands. And in your seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed, because Abraham obeyed My voice and kept My charge, My commandments, My statutes, and My laws.

It is important to point out, we, as readers, have very little idea of what these commandments are at this point. Again, the Jews will multiply to be more than the stars in the heavens.

And Isaac lived in Gerar. And the men of the place asked about his wife. And he said, She is my sister. For he feared to say, My wife; lest the men of the place should kill me for Rebekah, because she was beautiful of form. And when he had been there a long time, it happened that Abimelech king of the Philistines looked out through the window, and saw; and behold! Isaac was caressing Rebekah his wife. And Abimelech called Isaac and said, Behold! She surely is your wife. And why did you say, She is my sister? And Isaac said to him, Because I said, Lest I die on account of her. And Abimelech said, What is this you have done to us? One of the people might have lain with your wife, and you would have brought guilt upon us. And Abimelech charged all his people, saying, He that touches this man or his wife shall surely be put to death.

Sweet, holy, fuck…not this story…again. Third fucking time. Why? The result of all three is the same. Why drive home this stupid point, again and again and again?

Then Isaac sowed in that land, and received in the same year a hundredfold. And the LORD blessed him. And the man became great. And he went forward and grew until he grew very great. And he had possession of flocks and possession of herds, and many servants. And the Philistines envied him. For all the wells which his father’s servants had dug in the days of Abraham his father, the Philistines had stopped them and filled them with earth. And Abimelech said to Isaac, Go away from us, for you are mightier than we are. And Isaac departed from there, and pitched his tent in the valley of Gerar, and lived there. And Isaac dug again the wells of water which they had dug in the days of Abraham his father; for the Philistines had stopped them after the death of Abraham. And he called their names after the names by which his father had called them. And Isaac’s servants dug in the valley, and found there a well of flowing water. And the herdsmen of Gerar strove with Isaac’s herdsmen, saying, The water is ours. And he called the name of the well Contention, because they strove with him. And they dug another well, and they strove for that also. And he called the name of it Opposition. And he moved from there, and dug another well, and they did not strive for that. And he called the name of it Broad Places. And he said, For now the LORD has made room for us, and we shall be fruitful in the land. And he went from there to Beer-sheba. And the LORD appeared to him the same night, and said, I am the God of Abraham your father. Do not fear, for I am with you, and will bless you and multiply your seed for My servant Abraham’s sake. And he built an altar there, and called upon the name of the LORD, and pitched his tent there. And Isaac’s servants dug a well there.

Lots of well building and creation of words we use today, like contention, opposition, etc. Very poetic, very boring.

Then Abimelech went to him from Gerar, with Ahuzzath, one of his friends, and Phicol the commander of his army. And Isaac said to them, Why do you come to me, since you hate me and have sent me away from you? And they said, We saw certainly that the LORD was with you. And we said, Let there be now an oath between us, between us and you, and let us make a covenant with you; that you will do us no harm since we have not touched you, and since we have done nothing but good to you, and have sent you away in peace. You are now the blessed of the LORD. And he made them a feast, and they ate and drank. And they rose up early in the morning, and swore to one another. And Isaac sent them away, and they departed from him in peace. And the same day it happened, Isaac’s servants came and told him about the well which they had dug. And they said to him, We have found water. And he called it Shebah. Therefore the name of the city is The Well of Sheba to this day.

Another peace accord and well dug. Yippie.

And Esau was forty years old when he took to wife Judith the daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and Basemath the daughter of Elon the Hittite; who were a grief of spirit to Isaac and to Rebekah.

Genesis 27

And it happened when Isaac was old and his eyes were dim, so that he could not see, he called his oldest son Esau and said to him, My son. And he said to him, Behold, I am here. And he said to him, Behold, here am I. And he said, Behold now, I am old, I do not know the day of my death. And now please take your weapons, your quiver and your bow, and go out to the field and hunt game for me. And make tasty meat for me, such as I love, and bring to me so that I may eat, that my soul may bless you before I die. And Rebekah was listening when Isaac spoke to Esau his son. And Esau went to the field to hunt game in order to bring it.

A touching request from an old man. Get me some tasty meat that I like. Why is Rebekah listening to this?

And Rebekah spoke to her son Jacob, saying, Behold, I heard your father speak to your brother Esau, saying, Bring me game, and make me delicious things so that I may eat and bless you before the LORD before my death. And now, my son, obey my voice according to what I command you. Go now to the flock, and bring me from there two good kids of the goats. And I will make them delicious things for your father, such as he loves. And you shall bring it to your father so that he may eat, and that he may bless you before his death. And Jacob said to his mother Rebekah, Behold, Esau my brother is a hairy man, and I am a smooth man. My father will perhaps feel me, and I shall seem to him as a deceiver. And I shall bring a curse upon me, and not a blessing. And his mother said to him, Your curse be upon me, my son, only obey my voice and go bring them to me. And he went. And he took them and brought to his mother. And his mother made delicious things such as his father loved. And Rebekah took the clothes of her older son Esau, the costly ones which were with her in the house, and put them on Jacob her younger son. And she put the skins from the kids of the goats on his hands, and on the smooth of his neck. And she gave the delicious things and the bread which she had prepared into the hand of her son Jacob.

Wow, Rebekah is a sneaky bitch. Trick your father to get his blessing before he dies.

And he came to his father and said, My father! And he said, Here I am; who are you, my son? And Jacob said to his father, I am Esau your first-born. I have done as you asked me. Arise, I pray you, sit and eat of my game, that your soul may bless me. And Isaac said to his son, How is it that you have found it so quickly, my son? And he said, Because the LORD your God brought it to me. And Isaac said to Jacob, Come near, I pray you, so that I may feel you, my son, whether you are truly my son Esau or not. And Jacob went near to Isaac his father. And he felt him and said, The voice is Jacob’s voice, but the hands the hands of Esau. And he did not know him because his hands were hairy like his brother Esau’s hands. And he blessed him. And he said, Are you truly my son Esau? And he said, I am. And he said, Bring it to me, and I will eat of my son’s game, so that my soul may bless you. And he brought it near to him, and he ate. And he brought him wine, and he drank. And his father Isaac said to him, Come near now and kiss me, my son. And he came near and kissed him. And he smelled the smell of his clothing, and blessed him, and said, See, the smell of my son is as the smell of a field which the LORD has blessed. And may God give you of the dew of heaven, and the fatness of the earth, and plenty of grain and wine. Let people serve you, and let nations bow down to you. Be lord over your brothers, and let your mother’s sons bow down to you. Cursed be everyone that curses you, and blessed be he that blesses you.

Jacob is officially an asshole. Tricking your elderly father like that is really low. The father was suspect, but Jacob kept up the subterfuge.

And it happened, as soon as Isaac had made an end of blessing Jacob, and Jacob was scarcely gone from the presence of Isaac his father, that Esau his brother came in from his hunting. And he also had made tasty meat and brought to his father. And he said to his father, Let my father arise and eat of his son’s game so that your soul may bless me. And his father Isaac said to him, Who are you? And he said, I am your son, your first-born, Esau. And Isaac trembled with a great trembling, and said, Who then was the one who has hunted deer and brought to me, and I have eaten of all before you came, and have blessed him? Yea, he shall be blessed! And when Esau heard the voice of his father, he cried with a great and exceeding bitter cry, and said to his father, Bless me, me also, O my father! And he said, Your brother came with deceit, and has taken away your blessing. And he said, It is because his name is called Jacob? For he has supplanted me these two times: he took away my birthright, and behold, now he has taken away my blessing. And he said, Have you not reserved a blessing for me? And Isaac answered and said to Esau, Behold! I have made him your lord, and all his brothers I have given him for servants. And with grain and wine I have supported him. And what shall I do now to you, my son? And Esau said to his father, Have you but one blessing, my father? Bless me, me also, my father. And Esau lifted up his voice and wept. And Isaac his father answered and said to him, Behold! Your dwelling shall be of the fatness of the earth and of the dew of heaven from above. And by your sword you shall live, and shall serve your brother. And it shall be when you shall have the dominion, you shall break his yoke from off your neck.

Esau is rightly pissed here. First Jacob steals his birthright, then he steals the blessing. I would call this the first justified murder in the Bible.

And Esau hated Jacob because of the blessing with which his father had blessed him. And Esau said in his heart, The days of mourning for my father are at hand. Then I will kill my brother Jacob. And these words of her older son Esau were told to Rebekah. And she sent and called her younger son Jacob, and said to him, Behold, your brother Esau is going to ease himself on you, to kill you. And now, my son, obey my voice and arise. Flee for yourself to my brother Laban, to Haran, and stay with him a few days until your brother’s fury turns away, until your brother’s anger turns away from you and he forgets what you have done to him. Then I will send and bring you from there. Why should I also be bereaved of both of you in one day? And Rebekah said to Isaac, I am weary of my life because of the daughters of Heth. If Jacob takes a wife of the daughters of Heth, like these of the daughters of the land, what good is my life to me?

I think it will take more than a few days for Esau to cool off.


And Isaac called Jacob, and blessed him, and commanded him. And he said to him, You shall not take a wife of the daughters of Canaan. Arise, go to Padan-aram, to the house of Bethuel your mother’s father. And take a wife from there of the daughters of Laban your mother’s brother. And may God almighty bless you, and make you fruitful, and multiply you, so that you may be a multitude of peoples. And may He give you the blessing of Abraham, to you and to your seed with you, so that you may inherit the land in which you are a stranger, which God gave to Abraham. And Isaac sent Jacob away. And he went to Padan-aram, to Laban, son of Bethuel the Syrian, the brother of Rebekah, the mother of Jacob and Esau.

I really don’t think Jacob deserves any more blessings. Cousin incest this time.

And Esau saw that Isaac had blessed Jacob and had sent him away to Padan-aram in order to take a wife from there, and that as he blessed him he gave him a command, saying, You shall not take a wife of the daughters of Canaan; and Jacob obeyed his father and his mother, and had gone to Padan-aram; and when Esau saw that the daughters of Canaan did not please Isaac his father; then Esau went to Ishmael, and took Mahalath the daughter of Ishmael, Abraham’s son, the sister of Nebajoth, to the wives which he had for his wife.

More incest.

And Jacob went out from Beer-sheba, and went toward Haran. And he came on a certain place, and stayed there all night, because the sun had set. And he took of the stones of that place, and placed them at his head. And he lay down in that place to sleep. And he dreamed. And behold! A ladder was set up on the earth, and the top of it reached to Heaven! And behold! The angels of God were ascending and descending on it! And behold! The LORD stood above it, and said, I am Jehovah, the God of Abraham your father, and the God of Isaac! The land on which you lie I will give to you and to your seed. And your seed shall be like the dust of the earth, and you shall spread abroad to the west, and to the east, and to the north, and to the south. And in you and in your seed shall all the families of the earth be blessed. And, behold, I am with you, and will keep you in every place where you go, and will bring you again into this land. For I will not leave you until I have done that which I have spoken of to you.

A ladder that reaches heaven, in a dream. Seems legit. Why is this asshole so blessed?

And Jacob awakened from his sleep. And he said, Surely the LORD is in this place, and I did not know. And he was afraid, and said, How fearful is this place! This is nothing but the house of God, and this is the gate of Heaven! And Jacob rose up early in the morning, and took the stone which he had put at his head, and set it as a memorial pillar, and poured oil on the top of it. And he called the name of that place The House of God. But the name of that city was Luz at first. And Jacob vowed a vow, saying, If God will be with me, and will keep me in this way that I go, and will give me bread to eat and clothing to put on, and I come again to my father’s house in peace, then shall the Jehovah be my God. And this stone which I have set for a pillar shall be God’s house. And of all that You shall give me, I will surely give the tenth to You.

A rock with some oil poured on top, following the commandments of a dream. Seems legit.


And Jacob lifted his feet and went to the land of the sons of the east. And he looked, and behold, a well was in the field! And, lo, there were three flocks of sheep lying by it, for they watered the flocks out of that well. And a great stone was upon the well’s mouth. And all the flocks were gathered there. And they rolled the stone from the well’s mouth, and watered the sheep, and put the stone again upon the well’s mouth in its place. And Jacob said to them, My brothers, where are you from? And they said, We are from Haran. And he said to them, Do you know Laban the son of Nahor? And they said, We know him. And he said to them, Is he well? And they said, He is well. And, behold, his daughter Rachel comes with the sheep. And he said, Lo, the day is yet high. It is not yet time for gathering the cattle together. Water the sheep, and go feed them. And they said, We cannot, until all the flocks have been gathered together. And they roll the stone from the well’s mouth, then we water the sheep.

Not much free will in these early parts of the Bible. God arranges marriages.

While he still spoke with them, Rachel came with her father’s sheep, for she kept them. And it happened when Jacob saw Rachel the daughter of Laban his mother’s brother, and the sheep of Laban his mother’s brother, then Jacob went near and rolled the stone from the well’s mouth, and watered the flocks of Laban his mother’s brother. And Jacob kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice and wept. And Jacob told Rachel that he was her father’s brother, and that he was Rebekah’s son. And she ran and told her father. And it happened when Laban heard the news of Jacob his sister’s son, he ran to meet him and embraced him, and kissed him, and brought him to his house. And he told Laban all these things. And Laban said to him, Surely you are my bone and my flesh. And he stayed with him for a month.

I sure hope this does not end up in uncle/niece incest.

And Laban said to Jacob, Because you are my brother, should you then serve me for nothing? Tell me, what shall be your wages? And Laban had two daughters. The name of the oldest was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel. And Leah was weak of eyes, but Rachel was beautiful and well-favored. And Jacob loved Rachel, and said, I will serve you seven years for Rachel your younger daughter. And Laban said, It is better that I give her to you than that I should give her to another man. Stay with me. And Jacob served seven years for Rachel, and they seemed to him a few days, for the love he had for her. And Jacob said to Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, so that I may go in to her. And Laban gathered together all the men of the place, and made a feast. And it happened in the evening, he took his daughter Leah and brought her to him. And he went in to her. And Laban gave Zilpah his slave woman to his daughter Leah for a handmaid. And it happened in the morning, behold, it was Leah! And he said to Laban, What is this you have done to me? Did I not serve with you for Rachel? Why then have you tricked me? And Laban said, It must not be done so in our country, to give the younger before the first-born. Fulfill her week, and we will give you this one also for the service which you shall serve with me still another seven years. And Jacob did so, and fulfilled her week. And he gave him Rachel his daughter to wife also. And Laban gave Bilhah his slave woman to his daughter Rachel, to be her handmaid. And he also went in to Rachel. He also loved Rachel more than Leah, and served with him still seven more years.

So you are going to work for 7 years, because Rachel, your niece, is a hottie? Then get tricked and have to work another 7 years…but then you get to marry both of your nieces?

And when the LORD saw that Leah was hated, even He opened her womb. But Rachel was barren. And Leah conceived and bore a son. And she called his name Reuben, for she said, Surely the LORD has looked upon my afflictions. Now therefore my husband will love me. And she conceived again, and bore a son, and said, Because the LORD has heard that I was hated, He has therefore given me this son also. And she called his name Simeon. And she conceived again, and bore a son, and said, Now this time my husband will return to me, because I have borne him three sons. Therefore his name was called Levi. And she conceived again, and bore a son; and she said, This time I will praise the LORD. Therefore she called his name Judah, and quit bearing.

She was hated, so the LORD made sure she could have children?


And when Rachel saw that she bore Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister. And she said to Jacob, Give me sons, or else I will die. And Jacob’s anger was kindled against Rachel. And he said, Am I in God’s stead, who has withheld from you the fruit of the womb? And she said, Behold my slave woman Bilhah; go in to her, and she shall bear upon my knees, and yea, let me be built up from her, me also. And she gave him her slave woman Bilhah to wife. And Jacob went in to her. And Bilhah conceived, and bore Jacob a son. And Rachel said, God has judged me, and has also heard my voice, and has given me a son. Therefore she called his name Dan. And Rachel’s slave woman Bilhah conceived again, and bore Jacob a second son. And Rachel said, With the wrestlings of God I have wrestled with my sister, and I have prevailed. And she called his name Naphtali. When Leah saw that she had quit bearing, she took her slave woman Zilpah and gave her to Jacob to wife. And Leah’s slave woman Zilpah bore Jacob a son. And Leah said, With fortune. And she called his name Gad. And Leah’s slave woman Zilpah bore Jacob a second son. And Leah said, I am happy, for the daughters will call me blessed. And she called his name Asher.

So Jacob has two niece wifes AND two slave wives, all of whom have children.

And Reuben went out the days of the wheat harvest, and found love-apples in the field, and brought them to his mother Leah. And Rachel said to Leah, please give me some of your son’s love-apples. And she said to her, Is it a small matter that you have taken my husband? And would you also take my son’s love-apples? And Rachel said, Therefore he shall lie with you tonight for your son’s love-apples. And Jacob came out of the field in the evening. And Leah went out to meet him, and said, You must come in to me, for I have surely hired you with my son’s love-apples. And he lay with her that night. And God listened to Leah, and she conceived, and bore Jacob the fifth son. And Leah said, God has given me my hire, because I gave my slave to my husband. And she called his name Issachar. And Leah conceived again, and bore Jacob the sixth son. And Leah said, God has given me a good present. Now my husband will live with me, because I have borne him six sons. And she called his name Zebulun. And afterward she bore a daughter, and called her name Dinah. And God remembered Rachel, and God listened to her and opened her womb. And she conceived and bore a son, and she said, God has taken away my reproach. And she called his name Joseph. And she said, May the LORD add another son to me.

Is this a womb based shooting match? Now that I have popped out 6 kids, my husband will love me. And what the fuck is a love-apple?

And when Rachel had borne Joseph, it happened that Jacob said to Laban, Send me away so that I may go into my own place and to my country. Give me my wives and my children, for whom I have served you, and let me go. For you know my service which I have done you. And Laban said to him, I pray you, if I have found favor in your eyes, stay. For I have seen omens, that the LORD has blessed me for your sake. And he said, Appoint your wages and I will give. He said to him, You know how I have served you, and what your cattle has become with me. For you had little before I came, and it has now increased to a multitude. And the LORD has blessed you since my coming. And now when shall I provide for my own house also? And he said, What shall I give you? And Jacob said, You shall not give me anything. If you will do this thing for me, I will again feed and keep your flock. I will pass through all the flocks today, taking out all the speckled and spotted sheep, and all of the black sheep among the lambs, and the spotted and the speckled among the goats. And these shall be my hire. And shall my righteousness answer for me in time to come, and it shall come for my hire before your face. Every one that is not speckled and spotted among the goats, and black among the sheep, shall be counted stolen with me. And Laban said, Yes, truly let it be according to your word. And that day he took out the he-goats that were striped and spotted, and all the she-goats that were speckled and spotted, every one that had white in it, and all the black from among the lambs, and gave them into the hand of his sons. And he set three days’ journey between himself and Jacob. And Jacob fed the rest of Laban’s flocks.

I am sure all of this animal husbandry means something to goats and lambs, but I am truly lost here.

And Jacob took rods of green poplar, and of a fresh tree, and the almond and plane tree. And he peeled white streaks in them, and made the white appear which was in the rods. And he set the rods which he had peeled by the troughs, by the water troughs, where the flocks came to drink, across from the flocks, and the flocks were in heat when they came to drink. And the flocks conceived before the rods, and brought forth striped cattle, speckled, and spotted. And Jacob separated the lambs, and set the faces of the flocks toward the striped, and all the black in the flock of Laban. And he put his own flocks by themselves, and did not put them with the flock of Laban. And it happened when the stronger flocks conceived, Jacob laid the rods before the eyes of the flocks in the troughs, so that they might conceive among the rods. But when the flocks were feeble, he did not put them in. And usually it came to be, the weak ones were Laban’s and the stronger ones Jacob’s. And the man increased exceedingly, and had many flocks, and maidservants, and male servants, and camels, and asses.

This is such an odd passage. Sounds something like artificial selection here, but I don’t get the purpose of the white rods. The camels are here again, which don’t belong.


And he heard the words of Laban’s sons, saying, Jacob has taken away all that was our father’s, and he has gotten all this glory from that which was our father’s. And Jacob saw the countenance of Laban, and, behold, it was not toward him as before. And the LORD said to Jacob, Return to the land of your fathers, and to your kindred, and I will be with you. And Jacob sent and called Rachel and Leah to the field to his flocks. And he said to them, I see your father’s face, that it is not toward me as before; but the God of my father has been with me. And you know that with all my power I have served your father, and your father has deceived me and changed my wages ten times. But God did not allow him to hurt me. If he said this, The speckled shall be your wages, then all the flocks bore speckled. And if he said this, The striped shall be your hire, then all the flocks bore striped. And God has taken away the flocks of your father, and has given them to me. And at the time the cattle conceived, I lifted up my eyes and saw in a dream, and, behold, the rams which leaped upon the cattle were striped, speckled, and mottled. And the Angel of God spoke to me in a dream, saying, Jacob! And I said, Here I am. And He said, Lift up your eyes and see all the rams which leap upon the cattle, that they are striped, speckled, and mottled. For I have seen all that Laban is doing to you. I am the God of Bethel, where you anointed the pillar, where you vowed a vow to Me. Now arise, get out from this land, and return to the land of your kindred. And Rachel and Leah answered and said to him, Is there yet any portion or inheritance for us in our father’s house? Are we not counted strangers by him? For he has sold us, and has also entirely devoured our silver. For all the riches which God has taken from our father, that is for us and for our sons. Now then, whatever God has said to you, do.

No idea what this means.

Then Jacob rose up and set his sons and wives upon camels. And he drove away all his cattle, and all his goods which he had gotten, the cattle of his property, which he had gotten in Padan-aram, in order to go to Isaac his father in the land of Canaan. And Laban went to shear his sheep. And Rachel had stolen the images which were her father’s. And Jacob deceived the heart of Laban the Syrian, in that he did not tell him that he fled. And he fled with all that was his. And he rose up and passed over the river, and set his face toward Mount Gilead. It was told Laban on the third day that Jacob had fled. And he took his brothers with him, and pursued after him seven days’ journey. And they overtook him in Mount Gilead. And God came to Laban the Syrian in a dream by night, and said to him, Take heed that you do not speak either good or bad to Jacob.

The camels are still here, Jacob took a lot to stuff and left. God warned Laban in a dream not to talk to Jacob. I would heed this advice, Jacob is an anointed prick.

Then Laban overtook Jacob. And Jacob had pitched his tent in the mount. And Laban with his brothers pitched in Mount Gilead. And Laban said to Jacob, What have you done, that you have deceived my heart and carried away my daughters as captives taken with the sword? Why did you flee away secretly, and steal away from me, and did not tell me so that I might have sent you away with mirth, and with songs, with tabret and with harp? And why have you not allowed me to kiss my sons and my daughters? You have done foolishly in so doing. It is in the power of my hand to do you harm. But the God of your fathers spoke to me last night, saying, Take heed that you do not speak either good or bad to Jacob. And now you have gone because you longed after your father’s house. Why have you stolen my gods? And Jacob answered and said to Laban, Because I was afraid, for I said, Perhaps you would take your daughters away from me by force. With whomever you find your gods, let him not live. Before our brothers, choose what is yours with me, and take it to you. For Jacob did not know that Rachel had stolen them. And Laban went into Jacob’s tent, and into Leah’s tent, and into the tents of the two slave women, and he did not find. And he went out of Leah’s tent, and entered into Rachel’s tent. And Rachel had taken the images and put them into the camel’s saddle, and sat on them. And Laban searched all the tent, but did not find them. But she said to her father, Let it not displease my lord that I cannot rise up before you. For the custom of women is upon me. And he searched, but did not find the images.

I can really see why Laban was pissed. You steal away with his daughter and sons, don’t even get to say goodbye, then steal his god idols, THEN hide the stolen goods, using her period as an excuse. What an asshole.

And Jacob was angry, and rebuked Laban. And Jacob answered and said to Laban, What is my trespass? What is my sin, that you have so hotly pursued after me? For you have searched all my stuff; what have you found of all your household stuff? Set it here before my brothers and your brothers, that they may judge between us both. I was with you these twenty years. Your ewes and she-goats have not cast their young, and the rams of your flock I have not eaten. That which was mangled I did not bring to you; I bore the loss of it. You required it at my hand, whether stolen by day, or stolen by night. I was there; in the day the heat consumed me, and the frost by night. And my sleep departed from my eyes. And I have been twenty years in your house. I served you fourteen years for your two daughters, and six for your flocks. And you have changed my wages ten times. Unless the God of my fathers, the God of Abraham, and the Fear of Isaac had been with me, surely you would have sent me away now empty. God has seen my affliction and the labor of my hands, and rebuked you last night.

Jacob is a liar and a thief.

And Laban answered and said to Jacob, The daughters are my daughters, and the sons my sons, and the flocks my flocks. All that you see is mine. And what can I do this day to these my daughters, or to their sons which they have borne? And come now, let us make a covenant, you and I. And let it be for a witness between you and me. And Jacob took a stone and set it up as a memorial pillar. And Jacob said to his brothers, Gather stones. And they took stones and made a heap. And they ate there upon the heap. And Laban called it in Syrian, Heap of the Testimony, and Jacob called it in Hebrew, Heap of Testimony. And Laban said, This heap is a witness between you and me this day. Therefore the name of it was called Heap of Testimony, and Watchtower, for he said, The LORD watch between you and me when we are absent from one another. If you shall afflict my daughters, or if you shall take wives besides my daughters, no man is with us. See! God is witness between you and me. And Laban said to Jacob, Behold this heap, and behold the pillar which I have set up between you and me. This heap is a witness, and the pillar is a witness, that I will not pass over this heap to you, and that you shall not pass over this heap and this pillar to me, for harm. The God of Abraham, and the God of Nahor, the God of their father, judge between us. And Jacob swore by the Fear of his father Isaac. And Jacob offered sacrifice on the mountain, and called his brothers to eat bread. And they ate bread and stayed all night in the mountain. And early in the morning Laban rose up, and kissed his sons and his daughters, and blessed them. And Laban departed and returned to his place.

I have a feeling Laban just wanted to say goodbye to his children, more than anything else.


And Jacob went on his way, and the angels of God met him. And when Jacob saw them he said, This is God’s camp. And he called the name of that place Refuge.

And Jacob sent messengers before him to Esau his brother, to the land of Seir, the country of Edom. And he commanded them, saying, So shall you speak to my lord Esau: Your servant Jacob says thus, I have lived with Laban and stayed until now. And I have oxen and asses, flocks, and menservants, and slave women. And I have sent to tell my lord, that I may find grace in your sight. And the messengers returned to Jacob saying, We came to your brother Esau, and also he comes to meet you, and four hundred men with him. Then Jacob was greatly afraid and distressed, and he divided the people with him, and the flocks and herds, and the camels, into two bands. And he said, If Esau comes to the one company and strikes it, then the other company which is left shall escape.

So Jacob really does not believe he is blessed, he is afraid of his brother and the 400 people with him.  Good strategy, though, split up your army so at least half of you will survive.  More slaves, by the way.  

And Jacob said, Oh God of my father Abraham, and God of my father Isaac, Jehovah, who said to me, Return to your country and to your kindred, and I will deal well with you: I am not worthy of the least of all the mercies and of all the truth which You have done to Your servant. For with my staff I passed over this Jordan, and now I have become two bands. Deliver me, I pray You, from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau. For I fear him, lest he come and strike me, from mother to sons. And You said, I will surely do you good, and make your seed as the sand of the sea, which cannot be numbered for multitude.

Make sure he does not kill me, oh omnipotent God.

And he lodged there that night. And he took of that which came to his hand, a present for Esau his brother two hundred she-goats, twenty he-goats, two hundred ewes, and twenty rams, thirty milk camels with their colts, forty cows and ten bulls, twenty she-asses and ten foals. And he delivered into the hands of his servants, every drove by themselves. And he said to his servants, Pass over in front of me and put a space between drove and drove. And he commanded the foremost, saying, When Esau my brother meets you, and asks you saying, To whom do you belong? and, Where do you go? And whose these before you? Then you shall say, Your servant Jacob’s. It is a present sent to my lord Esau. And, behold, he also is behind us. And so he commanded the second and the third, and all that followed the droves, saying, In this way you shall speak to Esau when you find him. And also you shall say, Behold, your servant Jacob is behind us. For he said, I will appease him with the present that goes before me, and afterward I will see his face. Perhaps he will accept me. And the present went over before him. And he himself lodged that night in the camp. And he rose up that night, and took his two wives, and his two slave women, and his eleven sons, and passed over the ford Jabbok. And he took them, and sent them over the stream, and sent over what he had.

Camels, again, man that is a lot of cattle and livestock.  

And Jacob was left alone. And a Man wrestled there with him until the breaking of the day. And when He saw that He did not prevail against him, He touched the hollow of his thigh. And the hollow of Jacob’s thigh was out of joint as he wrestled with Him. And He said, Let Me go, for the day breaks. And he said, I will not let You go except You bless me. And He said to him, What is your name? And he said, Jacob. And He said, Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel; for like a prince you have power with God and with men, and have prevailed. And Jacob asked and said, I pray You, reveal Your name. And He said, Why do you ask after My name? And He blessed him there. And Jacob called the name of the place Peniel; for I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved. And as he passed over Penuel the sun rose upon him, and he limped upon his thigh. Therefore the sons of Israel do not eat of the sinew of the thigh, which is on the hip-socket, until this day, because He touched Jacob’s hip-socket, the sinew of the thigh.

For such an important passage of the Bible, the origin of Israel, it truly a bizarre scene.  Jacob nee Israel wrestles GOD all night long.  Apparently you can see God face to face, and he looks darn human.  This is also the origin of why you should not eat the sinew off the thigh.  


And Jacob lifted up his eyes and looked. And behold, Esau came, and four hundred men with him. And he divided the children to Leah, and to Rachel, and to the two handmaids. And he put the slave women and their children first, and Leah and her children afterward, and Rachel and Joseph last. And he passed over in front of them, and bowed himself to the ground seven times, until he came near to his brother. And Esau ran to meet him, and embraced him, and fell upon his neck and kissed him. And they wept.

Really manly, put the women and children first.  Esau is a really decent guy.  Forgave his asshole brother and embraces him.  Good for you Esau.

And he lifted up his eyes, and saw the women and the boys, and said, Who are these with you? And he said, The boys which God has favored your servant. Then the slave women came near, they and their boys, and they bowed themselves. And Leah also, and her children, came near and bowed themselves. And afterward Joseph and Rachel came near and bowed. He asked, Whose is all this camp which I met? And he said, To find grace in the sight of my lord. And Esau said, I have enough, my brother. Keep what you have yourself. And Jacob said, No, please, if now I have found grace in your sight, then receive my present at my hand. For therefore have I seen your face, as though I had seen the face of God, and you were pleased with me. Please take my blessing that is brought to you, because God has dealt graciously with me, and because I have enough. And he urged him, and he accepted. And he said, Let us take our journey, and let us go, and I will go before you. And he said to him, My lord knows that the boys are tender, and the flocks and herds with me are suckling. And if the men should overdrive them one day, all the flock will die. Please let my lord pass over before his servant, and I will lead on softly, according as the flocks that go before me, and the boys, are able to endure, until I come to my lord to Seir. And Esau said, Let me now leave with you some of the people with me. And he said, Why this? Let me find grace in the sight of my lord.

Family reunion.  Very nice.  

And Esau returned that day on his way to Seir. And Jacob journeyed to Succoth and built himself a house, and made booths for his cattle. Therefore the name of the place is called Succoth. And Jacob came in peace to the city of Shechem, which is in the land of Canaan, when he came from Padan-aram. And he pitched his tent in front of the city. And he bought a piece of a field, where he had spread his tent, at the hand of the sons of Hamor, Shechem’s father, for a hundred pieces of silver. And he erected there an altar, and called it El, the God of Israel.

So God is El now?  


And Dinah the daughter of Leah, whom she bore to Jacob, went out to see the daughters of the land. And when Shechem, the son of Hamor the Hivite, prince of the country, saw her, he took her and lay with her, and defiled her. And his soul clung to Dinah the daughter of Jacob, and he loved the girl and spoke to the heart of the girl. And Shechem spoke to his father Hamor, saying, Get me this girl for a wife. And Jacob heard that he had defiled Dinah his daughter. And his sons were with his cattle in the field. And Jacob kept silent until they had come.

More rape.

And Hamor the father of Shechem went out to Jacob to speak with him. And the sons of Jacob came out of the field when they heard. And the men were furious, and they were very angry, because he had done folly in Israel, in lying with the daughter of Jacob. And it ought not to be done so. And Hamor communed with them, saying, The soul of my son Shechem longs for your daughter. Please give her to him for a wife. And you make marriages with us, giving your daughters to us, and taking our daughters to you. And you shall live with us. And the land shall be before you. Live and trade in it, and get possessions in it. And Shechem said to her father and to her brothers, Let me find grace in your eyes, and whatever you shall say to me I will give. Heap upon me ever so much price and dowry, and I will give according as you shall say to me. But give me the girl for a wife. And the sons of Jacob answered Shechem and Hamor his father, speaking with deceit because he had defiled Dinah their sister. And they said to them, We cannot do this thing, to give our sister to one that is uncircumcised. For it is a reproach to us. But in this we will agree with you, if you will be as we are, that every male of you be circumcised, then we will give our daughters to you, and we will take your daughters to us, and we will live with you, and we will become one people. But if you will not listen to us, to be circumcised, then we will take our daughter, and we will go.

Whack off your foreskin and you can totally have our daughters.  

And their words pleased Hamor and Shechem, Hamor’s son. And the young man did not hesitate to do the thing, because he had delight in Jacob’s daughter. And he was more honorable than all the house of his father. And Hamor and Shechem his son came to the gate of their city, and talked with the men of their city, saying, These men are at peace with us. Therefore let them live in the land, and trade in it. For behold, the land is large enough for them. Let us take their daughters to us for wives, and let us give them our daughters. Only on this condition will the men agree to us, to live with us, to be one people, if every male among us is circumcised as they are circumcised. Shall not their cattle and their substance and every animal of theirs be ours? Only let us agree with them, and they will live with us. And all that went out of the gate of his city listened to Hamor and to Shechem his son. And every male was circumcised, all that went out of the gate of his city.

Whack away.

And it happened on the third day, when they were sore, that two of the sons of Jacob, Simeon and Levi, Dinah’s brothers, took each his sword and came upon the city boldly, and killed all the males. And they killed Hamor and Shechem his son with the edge of the sword, and took Dinah out of Shechem’s house, and went out. The sons of Jacob came upon the slain, and plundered the city, because they had defiled their sister. They took their sheep and their oxen, and their asses, and that which was in the city and that which was in the field. And all their wealth, and all their little ones, and their wives, they took captive, and plundered even all that was in the house. And Jacob said to Simeon and Levi, You have troubled me, to make me stink among those who live in the land, among the Canaanites and the Perizzites. And I, being few in number, they shall gather themselves together against me, and kill me. And I shall be destroyed, my house and I. And they said, Should he deal with our sister as with a harlot?

Wow, kill em all for touching your sister.  I thought if you whacked off your dick skin, it would all be okay?  Kill and plunder the whole town.  Take all the women and children.  Why not just punish Shechem?  


And God said to Jacob, Arise, go up to Bethel, and live there. And make an altar there to God, who appeared to you when you fled from the face of Esau your brother. Then Jacob said to his household, and to all that were with him, Put away the strange gods among you, and be clean, and change your garments. And let us arise and go up to Bethel, and I will make an altar there to God, who answered me in the day of my distress, and was with me in the way which I went. And they gave all the strange gods which were in their hands to Jacob, and the earrings in their ears. And Jacob hid them under the oak which was by Shechem. And they moved. And the terror of God was upon the cities that were round about them, and they did not pursue the sons of Jacob.

Hide your strange Gods?  I don’t blame them for hiding, you made an agreement, then murdered and pillaged an entire town, after you convinced them to cut some skin of their dicks.

And Jacob came to Luz in the land of Canaan, that is, Bethel, he and all the people with him. And he built an altar there and called the place El-bethel, because God appeared to him there when he fled from the face of his brother. But Deborah, Rebekah’s nurse, died, and she was buried beneath Bethel, under an oak. And the name of it was called Oak of Weeping. And God appeared to Jacob again when he came out of Padan-aram and blessed him. And God said to him, Your name is Jacob. Your name shall not be called Jacob any more, but Israel shall be your name. And He called his name Israel. And God said to him, I am God Almighty. Be fruitful and multiply. A nation and a company of nations shall be from you, and kings shall come out of your loins. And the land which I gave to Abraham and Isaac, I will give to you, and to your seed after you I will give the land. And God went up from him in the place where He talked with him. And Jacob set up a pillar in the place where He talked with him, a pillar of stone. And he poured a drink offering on it, and he poured oil on it. And Jacob called the name of the place where God spoke with him, Bethel.

Just having a chat with God, setting up Bethel.  

And they moved from Bethel. And there was only a length of land to come to Ephrath. And Rachel travailed, and she had hard labor in her bearing. And it happened when she was in hard labor in her bearing, the midwife said to her, Do not fear, you shall have this son also. And it happened as her soul was departing (for she died) that she called his name Benoni. But his father called him Benjamin. And Rachel died and was buried in the way to Ephrath, which is Bethlehem. And Jacob set up a pillar upon her grave. That is the pillar of Rachel’s grave to this day.

All that work to get Rachel and she unceremoniously dies in childbirth.  It was a very hard life back the, and to this day childbirth is dangerous.  So little fanfare for this mother of Israel.  

And Israel moved, and spread his tent beyond the tower of Edar. And it happened when Israel lived in that land, Reuben went and lay with Bilhah his father’s concubine. And Israel heard it. And the sons of Jacob were twelve: The sons of Leah: Reuben, Jacob’s first-born, and Simeon, and Levi, and Judah, and Issachar, and Zebulun. The sons of Rachel: Joseph and Benjamin. And the sons of Bilhah, Rachel’s slave woman: Dan and Naphtali. And the sons of Zilpah, Leah’s slave woman: Gad and Asher. These were the sons of Jacob born to him in Padan-aram. And Jacob came to his father Isaac, to Mamre, to the city of Arba, which is Hebron, where Abraham had lived, and Isaac. And the days of Isaac were a hundred and eighty years. And Isaac expired and died, and was gathered to his people, old and satisfied of days. And his sons, Esau and Jacob, buried him.

180 years old.  More slaves.


And these are the generations of Esau, that is Edom. Esau took his wives from the daughters of Canaan, Adah the daughter of Elon the Hittite, and Oholibamah the daughter of Anah, the daughter of Zibeon the Hivite, And Basemath the daughter of Ishmael, sister of Nebajoth. And Adah bore Eliphaz to Esau. And Basemath bore Reuel. And Oholibamah bore Jeush, and Jaalam, and Korah. These were the sons of Esau who were born to him in the land of Canaan. And Esau took his wives and his sons and his daughters, and all the souls of his house, and his cattle, and all his beasts, and all his substance which he had gotten in the land of Canaan, and went into the country away from the face of his brother Jacob. For their riches were more than that they might dwell together. And the land of their travels could not bear them because of their cattle. And Esau lived in Mount Seir. Esau is Edom.

And these are the generations of Esau, the father of the Edomites, in Mount Seir. These are the names of Esau’s sons: Eliphaz the son of Adah the wife of Esau; Reuel the son of Basemath the wife of Esau. And the sons of Eliphaz: Teman, Omar, Zepho, and Gatam, and Kenaz. And Timna was concubine to Eliphaz, Esau’s son. And she bore to Eliphaz Amalek. These were the sons of Adah, Esau’s wife. And these were the sons of Reuel: Nahath, and Zerah, Shammah, and Mizzah; these were the sons of Basemath, Esau’s wife. And these were the sons of Oholibamah, the daughter of Anah, the daughter of Zibeon, Esau’s wife. And she bore to Esau Jeush, and Jaalam, and Korah. These were the chiefs of the sons of Esau: the sons of Eliphaz the first-born of Esau: Chief Teman, Chief Omar, Chief Zepho, Chief Kenaz, Chief Korah, Chiefs Gatam, Chief Amalek. These were the chiefs of Eliphaz in the land of Edom; these the sons of Adah. And these were the sons of Reuel, Esau’s son: Chief Nahath, and Chief Zerah, Chief Shammah, Chief Mizzah. These were the chiefs of Reuel in the land of Edom. These were the sons of Basemath, Esau’s wife. And these were the sons of Oholibamah, Esau’s wife: Chief Jeush, Chief Jaalam, Chief Korah. These were the chiefs of Oholibamah, the daughter of Anah, Esau’s wife. These were the sons of Esau, and these their chiefs. He is Edom.

Blah blah blah.

These were the sons of Seir the Horite living in the land: Lotan, and Shobal, and Zibeon, and Anah, and Dishon, and Ezer, and Dishan. These were the chiefs of the Horites, the sons of Seir, in the land of Edom. And the sons of Lotan: Hori and Heman; and Lotan’s sister was Timna. And these were the sons of Shobal: Alvan, and Manahath, and Ebal, Shepho, and Onam. And these were the sons of Zibeon: both Aiah and Anah (he is Anah that found the hot springs in the desert as he fed the asses of Zibeon, his father). And the sons of Anah were these: Dishon. And Oholibamah was the daughter of Anah. And these were sons of Dishon: Hemdan, and Eshban, and Ithran, and Cheran. The sons of Ezer were these: Bilhan, and Zaavan, and Akan. The sons of Dishan were these: Uz and Aran. These were the chiefs of the Horites: Chief Lotan, Chief Shobal, Chief Zibeon, Chief Anah, Chief Dishon, Chief Ezer, Chief Dishan. These were the chiefs of the Horites, according to their chiefs in the land of Seir.

Blah blah blah.

And these were the kings that reigned in the land of Edom before the reigning of a king over the sons of Israel. And Bela the son of Beor reigned in Edom. And the name of his city was Dinhabah. And Bela died, and Jobab the son of Zerah, from Bozrah, reigned in his place. And Jobab died, and Husham from the land of the Temanites reigned in his place. And Husham died, and Hadad the son of Bedad, who smote Midian in the field of Moab reigned in his place. And the name of his city was Avith. And Hadad died, and Samlah from Masrekah reigned in his place. And Samlah died, and Shaul of Rehoboth by the river reigned in his place. And Shaul died, and Baalhanan the son of Achbor reigned in his place. And Baalhanan the son of Achbor died, and Hadar reigned in his place. And the name of his city was Pau. And his wife’s name was Mehetabel, the daughter of Matred, the daughter of Mezahab. And these were the names of the chiefs of Esau, according to their families, after their places, by their names: Chief Timnah, Chief Alvah, Chief Jetheth, Chief Oholibamah, Chief Elah, Chief Pinon, Chief Kenaz, Chief Teman, Chief Mibzar, Chief Magdiel, Chief Iram. These were the chiefs of Edom, according to their dwellings in the land of their possession; he is Esau the father of the Edomites.

Blah blah blah.


And Jacob lived in the land of the travels of his father, in the land of Canaan. These are the generations of Jacob: Joseph, a son of seventeen years, came tending the flock with his brothers. And he was a youth with the sons of Bilhah, and with the sons of Zilpah, his father’s wives. And Joseph brought to his father an evil report of them. And Israel loved Joseph more than all his sons, because he was the son of his old age. And he made him a tunic reaching to the soles of his feet. And when his brothers saw that their father loved him more than all his brothers, they hated him, and could not speak peaceably to him.

Seems pretty reasonable basis of hatred.  The father did favor Joseph, even made him a long coat.

And Joseph dreamed a dream and told it to his brothers. And they hated him still more. And he said to them, I pray you, Hear this dream which I have dreamed. For behold! We were binding sheaves in the middle of the field, and lo, my sheaf arose and also stood upright. And behold, your sheaves stood around and bowed down to my sheaf. And his brothers said to him, Shall you indeed reign over us? Or shall you indeed have the rule over us? And they hated him still more for his dreams and for his words. And he dreamed still another dream, and told it to his brothers. And he said, Behold, I have dreamed another dream. And behold, the sun and the moon and the eleven stars bowed down to me. And he told it to his father and to his brothers. And his father rebuked him and said to him, What is this dream that you have dreamed? Shall I, and your mother, and your brothers indeed come to bow ourselves to the earth before you? And his brothers were jealous of him. But his father observed the saying.

Let us all interpret dreams and convince your siblings that you should rule over him.  There is a reason they are jealous.  Commentary here, so many dreams interpreted in the Bible.  They really put a whole lot of value into dreams.  Dreams are not real.  It’s all in your own head.

And his brothers went to feed his father’s flock in Shechem. And Israel said to Joseph, Do not your brothers feed the flock in Shechem? Come, and I will send you to them. And he said to him, Here I am. And he said to him, please go see whether it is well with your brothers and well with the flocks. And bring me word again. And he sent him out of the valley of Hebron, and he came to Shechem. And a certain man found him, and, behold, he was wandering in the field. And the man asked him, saying, What are you looking for? And he said, I am seeking for my brothers. Please tell me where they are feeding? And the man said, They are gone from here, for I heard them say, Let us go to Dothan. And Joseph went after his brothers, and found them in Dothan. And when they saw him afar off, even before he came near them, they conspired against him to kill him. And they said to one another, Behold, this dreamer comes. Therefore come now, and let us kill him, and throw him into some pit, and we will say some evil beast has devoured him. And we shall see what will become of his dreams. And Reuben heard, and he delivered him out of their hands and said, Let us not kill him. And Reuben said to them, Shed no blood. Throw him into this pit in the wilderness, and lay no hand upon him (in order to rescue him out of their hands, to deliver him to his father again).

Very awkward scene here.  Not sure of the point, someone help me out here.

And it happened when Joseph had come to his brothers, they stripped Joseph out of his tunic, the tunic reaching to the soles of his feet that was on him. And they took him and threw him into a pit. And the pit was empty, with no water in it. And they sat down to eat bread. And they lifted up their eyes, and looked. And behold, a company of Ishmaelites came from Gilead, with their camels bearing spices and balm and myrrh, going to carry it down to Egypt. And Judah said to his brothers, What profit is it if we should kill our brother and hide his blood? Come, let us sell him to the Ishmaelites, and let not our hand be upon him. For he is our brother, and our flesh. And his brothers listened. And men, Midianites traders, came by. And they drew up Joseph and took him out of the pit, and sold Joseph to the Ishmaelites for twenty pieces of silver. And they brought Joseph into Egypt. And Reuben returned to the pit. And behold! Joseph was not in the pit! And he tore his clothes. And he returned to his brothers and said, The child, he is not. And I, where shall I go?

I like this plan, sure wish someone would end this goofy family line.  You get some cash and you don’t have to kill him.

And they took Joseph’s tunic, and killed a kid of the goats, and dipped the tunic in the blood. And they sent the tunic reaching to the soles of the feet, and they brought it to their father. And they said, We have found this. Do you know whether it is your son’s coat or not? And he knew it, and said, It is my son’s tunic. An evil beast has eaten him. Joseph is without doubt torn in pieces. And Jacob tore his clothes, and put sackcloth upon his loins, and mourned for his son many days. And all his sons, and all his daughters, rose up to comfort him. But he refused to be comforted. And he said, For I will go down into the grave to my son mourning. And his father wept for him. And the Midianites sold him into Egypt to Potiphar, a eunuch of Pharaoh, the chief of the executioners.

I thought Jacob, isn’t he supposed to be called Israel now, wasn’t he old already?  The thought of a really old dude in a loincloth is really disturbing.


And it happened at that time Judah went down from his brothers and turned in to a certain Adullamite, named Hirah. And Judah saw there a daughter of a certain Canaanite man named Shuah. And he took her and went in to her. And she conceived and bore a son. And he called his name Er. And she conceived again, and bore a son, and she called his name Onan. And she yet again conceived and bore a son. And she called his name Shelah. And she was at Chezib when she bore him. And Judah took a wife for Er his first-born, whose name was Tamar. And Er, Judah’s first-born, was wicked in the sight of the LORD. And the LORD killed him. And Judah said to Onan, Go in to your brother’s wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to your brother. And Onan knew that the seed would not be his. And it happened when he went in to his brother’s wife, that he spilled on the ground, not giving seed to his brother. And what he did was evil in the eyes of the LORD. Therefore He killed him also. Then said Judah to Tamar, his daughter-in-law, Remain a widow at your father’s house until Shelah my son is grown. For he said, Lest perhaps he die also, as his brothers did. And Tamar went and lived in her father’s house.

So if you don’t want to have a kid with your sister in law, and pull out, and spill your semen on the ground, you should die for your transgression?  A little strict?  No male should make it past his teenage years by this logic. 

And the days were many, and Judah’s wife, the daughter of Shuah, died. And Judah was comforted, and went up to shearers of his sheep, he and his friend Hiram of Adullam, to Timnah. And it was told to Tamar, saying, Behold, your father-in-law goes up to Timnah to shear his sheep. And she put off her widow’s clothes, and covered herself with a veil, and wrapped herself. And she sat in an open place, which is by the way to Timnah. For she saw that Shelah was grown and she was not given to him as wife. When Judah saw her, he thought she was a harlot, because she had covered her face. And he turned aside to her by the wayside, and said, Come now, let me come in to you. For he did not know that she was his daughter-in-law. And she said, What will you give me, so that you may come in to me? And he said, I will send a kid of the goats from the flock. And she said, Will you give me a pledge until you send it? And he said, What pledge shall I give you? And she said, Your signet, and your bracelet, and your staff that is in your hand. And he gave to her, and came in to her, and she conceived by him. And she arose, and went away, and laid away her veil from her, and put on the clothes of her widowhood. And Judah sent the kid of the goats by the hand of his friend the Adullamite, to receive his pledge from the woman’s hand. But he did not find her. Then he asked the men of that place, saying, Where is the harlot who was by the wayside? And they said, There was no harlot here. And he returned to Judah, and said, I cannot find her. And also the men of the place said, There was no harlot here. And Judah said, Let her take it to her, lest we be ashamed. Behold, I sent this kid, and you have not found her.

The Bible is totally okay with banging your daughter-in-law, as long as you think she is a prostitute.  Such solid morals in this book.  

And it happened, about three months afterward, that it was told Judah, saying, Your daughter-in-law Tamar has played the harlot, and also, behold, she is with child by whoredom. And Judah said, Bring her forth, and let her be burned. When she was brought forth, she sent to her father-in-law, saying, I am with child by the man whose things these are. And she said, Please observe. Whose things are these, the signet, and bracelets, and staff? And Judah acknowledged them, and said, She has been more righteous than I have, because I did not give her to my son Shelah. And he never knew her again. And it happened, in the time of her travail, behold, twins were in her womb. And when she travailed, it happened that one put out a hand. And the midwife took and bound upon his hand a scarlet thread, saying, This one came out first. And it happened as he drew back his hand, behold, his brother came out. And she said, How have you broken a break for yourself? And his name was called Pharez. And afterwards his brother came out, on whose hand was the scarlet thread. And his name was called Zarah.

The images of an arm sticking out of a woman’s vagina just makes me chuckle.  Birth order was a huge deal to these people.  


And Joseph was brought down to Egypt. And Potiphar, a eunuch of Pharaoh, the chief of the executioners, an Egyptian man, bought him from the Ishmaelites who had brought him down there. And the LORD was with Joseph, and he was a prosperous man. And he was in the house of his master the Egyptian. And his master saw that the LORD was with him, and that the LORD made all he did to prosper in his hand. And Joseph found grace in his sight, and he served him. And he made him overseer over his house, and he put into his hand all he had. And it happened from the time he had made him overseer in his house, and over all he had, that the LORD blessed the Egyptian’s house for Joseph’s sake. And the blessing of the LORD was upon all that he had, in the house and in the field. And he left all that he had in Joseph’s hand. And he did not know anything that he had, except the bread which he ate. And Joseph was beautiful in form and beautiful in appearance.

This eunuch, or is his master Potiphar or someone else, really puts a lot of trust in Joseph.  Why the mention of Joe’s beauty? 

And after these things it happened that his master’s wife cast her eyes upon Joseph. And she said, Lie with me. But he refused and said to his master’s wife, Behold, my master does not know what is in the house with me, and he has given all that he has into my hand. There is none greater in this house than I. Neither has he kept back anything from me except you, because you are his wife. How then can I do this great wickedness, and sin against God? And it happened as she spoke to Joseph day by day, that he did not listen to her to lie with her, or to be with her. And it happened about this time that he came into the house to do his work. And none of the men of the house were inside. And she caught him by his robe, saying, Lie with me. And he left his robe in her hand and fled, and got out.

So, this nameless wife is the wife of a eunuch (an oxymoron) or some nameless master?  She really wants to bang this hot Jew.

And it happened when she saw that he had left his robe in her hand, and had fled, she called to the men of her house and spoke to them, saying, See, he has brought in a Hebrew to us to mock us. He came in to me, to lie with me, and I cried with a loud voice. And it happened when he heard that I lifted up my voice and cried, he left his robe with me, and fled, and got out. And she laid up his robe beside her until his lord came home. And she spoke to him according to these words, saying, The Hebrew servant which you have brought to us came in to me to mock me. And it happened as I lifted up my voice and cried, that he left his robe with me and ran out.

Wife accuses Joe of rape.

And it happened when his master heard the words of his wife which she spoke to him, saying, Your servant did this to me, his wrath was kindled. And Joseph’s master took him and put him in the prison, a place where the king’s prisoners were bound. And he was there in the prison. But the LORD was with Joseph, and showed him mercy, and gave him favor in the sight of the keeper of the prison. And the keeper of the prison gave all the prisoners in the prison into Joseph’s hand. And whatever they did there, he was the doer of it. The keeper of the prison did not look to anything under his hand, because the LORD was with him; and whatever he did, the LORD made it to prosper.

Joe goes to jail, but even here he is blessed by the LORD.


And after these things it happened that the cupbearer of the king of Egypt, and his baker, had offended their lord the king of Egypt. And Pharaoh was angry against two of his eunuchs, against the chief of the cupbearers and against the chief of the bakers. And he put them under guard in the house of the chief of the executioners, into the prison, the place where Joseph was bound. And the chief of the executioners charged Joseph with them, and he served them. And they continued for a time under guard.

They let prisoners watch other prisoners?  Isn’t the chief of executioners the guy who put him in jail in the first place?  This is really hard to buy.

And they dreamed a dream, both of them, each man his dream in one night, each man according to the interpretation of his dream, the cupbearer and the baker of the king of Egypt, who were bound in the prison. And Joseph came in to them in the morning, and looked upon them, and behold, they were sad. And he asked Pharaoh’s eunuchs who were with him under guard in his lord’s house, saying, Why are your faces sad today? And they said to him, We have dreamed a dream, and there is no interpreter of it. And Joseph said to them, Do not interpretations belong to God? Now tell it to me. And the chief cupbearer told his dream to Joseph, and said to him, In my dream, behold, a vine was before me. And in the vine were three branches. And it was as if it budded, and its blossom shot up. And the clusters of it brought forth ripe grapes. And Pharaoh’s cup was in my hand. And I took the grapes and pressed them into Pharaoh’s cup, and I gave the cup into Pharaoh’s hand. And Joseph said to him, This is the interpretation of it. The three branches are three days. Yet within three days Pharaoh shall lift up your head and restore you to your place. And you shall deliver Pharaoh’s cup into his hand, just as you did when you were his cupbearer. But remember me when it is well with you, and please show kindness to me, and make mention of me to Pharaoh, and bring me out of this house. For indeed I was stolen away out of the land of the Hebrews, and here also have I done nothing that they should put me into the dungeon. When the chief baker saw the interpretation was good, he said to Joseph, I also saw in my dream, and three baskets of white bread were on my head. And in the top basket were all kinds of baked foods for Pharaoh. And the birds ate them out of the basket upon my head. And Joseph answered and said, This is the interpretation of it. The three baskets are three days. Yet within three days Pharaoh shall lift up your head from off you, and shall hang you on a tree. And the birds shall eat your flesh from off you.

Dreams are real in the Bible and have predictive qualities?  And Joseph is a bronze age Freud?

And it happened on the third day, Pharaoh’s birthday, that he made a feast to all his servants. And he lifted up the head of the chief cupbearer, and of the chief baker, among his servants. And he restored the chief cupbearer back into his cupbearer office again. And he gave the cup into Pharaoh’s hand. But he hanged the chief baker, even as Joseph had interpreted to them. Yet the chief cupbearer did not remember Joseph, but forgot him.



And it happened at the end of two years of days, Pharaoh dreamed. And behold, he stood by the River. And behold! There came up out of the river seven cows beautiful of form, and fat of flesh. And they fed in the reeds! And behold! Seven other cows came up after them out of the River, evil in appearance, and lean of flesh! And they stood by the other cows on the river bank. And the evil-appearing and lean-fleshed cows ate up the seven beautifully formed and fat cows. So Pharaoh awoke. And he slept and dreamed the second time. And behold! Seven ears of grain came up on one stock, fat and good! And behold! Seven thin ears, and blasted with the east wind, sprang up after them! And the seven thin ears devoured the seven fat and full ears. And Pharaoh awoke, and behold, it was a dream. And it happened in the morning that his spirit was troubled, and he sent and called for all the magicians of Egypt, and all the wise men of it. And Pharaoh told them his dream, but there was none who could interpret them to Pharaoh.

More dreams, dreams are not real.

Then the chief cupbearer spoke to Pharaoh, saying, I remember my sin this day. Pharaoh was angry with his servants, and put me under guard in the chief of the executioner’s house, me and the chief baker. And we dreamed a dream one night, he and I. We dreamed each man according to the interpretation of his dream. And there was there with us a young man, a Hebrew, a slave to the chief of the executioners. And we told him, and he interpreted our dreams to us. He interpreted to each man according to his dream. And it happened, as he interpreted to us, so it was. He restored me to my office, and he hanged him. Then Pharaoh sent and called Joseph. And they hurried him out of the dungeon. And he shaved and changed his clothing, and came in to Pharaoh. And Pharaoh said to Joseph, I have dreamed a dream, and none can interpret it. And I have heard it about you, saying, you can understand a dream to interpret it. And Joseph answered Pharaoh, saying, Not I. God shall give answer the welfare of Pharaoh.

Why would a Pharaoh care about what the Hebrew god has to say?

And Pharaoh said to Joseph, In my dream, behold! I stood upon the bank of the river. And behold, there came up out of the river seven cows, beautiful in appearance and fat of flesh. And they fed in the reeds. And behold, seven other cows came up after them, poor and evil of appearance, and lean of flesh, such as I never saw in all the land of Egypt for badness. And the lean and the evil-appearing cows ate up the first seven fat cows. And when they had eaten them up, it could not be seen that they had eaten them; but they were still evil of appearance, as at the beginning. And I awoke. And I saw in my dream, and behold, seven ears came up in one stock, full and good. And behold, seven ears, withered, thin, blasted by the east wind, sprang up after them. And the thin ears devoured the seven good ears. And I spoke to the magicians, but there was none that could open it to me. And Joseph said to Pharaoh, The dream of Pharaoh is one. God has shown Pharaoh what He is about to do. The seven good cows are seven years. And the seven good ears are seven years. The dream is one. And the seven thin and evil-appearing cows that came up after them are seven years. And the seven empty ears blasted with the east wind shall be seven years of famine. This is the thing which God has spoken to Pharaoh; what God is about to do, He shows to Pharaoh. Behold, there are coming seven years of great plenty throughout all the land of Egypt. And there shall arise after them seven years of famine. And all the plenty shall be forgotten in the land of Egypt, and the famine shall consume the land. And the plenty shall not be known in the land because of the famine following; for it shall be very grievous. And since the dream was repeated to Pharaoh twice, it is because the thing is established by God, and God will shortly bring it to pass.

Why would a Pharaoh care about what the Hebrew god has to say?

Now therefore let Pharaoh look for a man who is discreet and wise, and set him over the land of Egypt. Let Pharaoh act, and let him appoint officers over the land, and take up the fifth part of the land of Egypt in the seven plenteous years. And let them gather all the food of those good years that come, and lay up grain under the hand of Pharaoh, and let them keep food in the cities. That food shall be for a store to the land against the seven years of famine, which shall be in the land of Egypt, so that the land does not perish through the famine. And the thing was good in the eyes of Pharaoh, and in the eyes of all his servants. And Pharaoh said to his servants, Can we find any man like this, in whom the Spirit of God is? And Pharaoh said to Joseph, Since God has shown you all this, no one is as discreet and wise as you. You shall be over my house, and all my people shall kiss the hand at your word. Only in the throne will I be greater than you. And Pharaoh said to Joseph, See, I have set you over all the land of Egypt. And Pharaoh took off his ring from his hand, and put it upon Joseph’s hand. And he dressed him with fine linen robes, and put a gold chain around his neck. And he made him to ride in the second chariot which he had, and they cried before him, Bow the knee! And he made him ruler over all the land of Egypt. And Pharaoh said to Joseph, I am Pharaoh, and without a word from you, no man shall lift up his hand or foot in all the land of Egypt. And Pharaoh called Joseph’s name Zaphnath-paaneah. And he gave him Asenath, the daughter of Potipherah, priest of On, for his wife. And Joseph went out over the land of Egypt.

And Joseph was thirty years old when he stood before Pharaoh king of Egypt. And Joseph went out from before Pharaoh, and went throughout all the land of Egypt. And in the seven years of plenty, the earth brought forth by handfuls. And he gathered up all the food of the seven years which were in the land of Egypt, and he put food in the cities. He put the food of the field which was around every city; he put it in among it. And Joseph gathered grain like the sand of the sea, very much, until he quit numbering it; for it was without number. And two sons were born to Joseph before the years of famine came, whom Asenath the daughter of Potipherah priest of On bore to him. And Joseph called the name of the first-born Manasseh, saying, For God has made me forget all my toil and all my father’s house. And the name of the second he called Ephraim, saying, For God has caused me to be fruitful in the land of my affliction. And the seven years of plenty that was in the land of Egypt ended. And the seven years of famine began to come, according as Joseph had said. And the famine was in all lands, but in all the land of Egypt there was bread. And when all the land of Egypt was famished, the people cried to Pharaoh for bread. And Pharaoh said to all the Egyptians, Go to Joseph. What he says to you, do. And the famine was over all the face of the earth. And Joseph opened all the storehouses, and sold to the Egyptians. And the famine was severe on the land of Egypt. And all the earth came into Egypt to buy, to Joseph, because the famine was severe in all the earth.

When will this section ever end?  Pointless and unsupported in reality.


And when Jacob saw that there was grain in Egypt, Jacob said to his sons, Why do you look upon one another? And he said, Behold, I have heard that there is grain in Egypt. Go down there and buy for us from there, so that we may live and not die. And Joseph’s ten brothers went down to buy grain in Egypt. But Benjamin, Joseph’s brother, Jacob did not send with his brothers. For he said, Lest perhaps mischief happen to him. And the sons of Israel came to buy among those that came, for the famine was in the land of Canaan. And Joseph was the potentate over the land. He selling to all the people of the earth. And Joseph’s brothers came and bowed down themselves before him, their faces to the earth.

More famine, I think this will be a repeating theme…

And Joseph saw his brothers, and he knew them, but remained a stranger to them, and spoke roughly to them. And he said to them, Where do you come from? And they said, From the land of Canaan to buy food. And Joseph knew his brothers, but they did not know him. And Joseph remembered the dreams which he dreamed of them, and said to them, You are spies! You have come to see the nakedness of the land. And they said to him, No, my lord, but your servants have come to buy food. We are all one man’s sons. We are honest; your servants are not spies. And he said to them, No, but you have come to see the nakedness of the land. And they said, Your servants are twelve brothers, the sons of one man in the land of Canaan. And behold, the youngest is this day with our father, and one is not. And Joseph said to them, That is what I spoke to you, saying, You are spies! By this you shall be proved; as Pharaoh lives you shall not go forth from here unless your youngest brother comes here. Send one of you, and let him bring your brother, and you shall be kept in prison so that your words may be proved, whether any truth is in you. Or else, as Pharaoh lives, surely you are spies. And he put them together into custody three days. And Joseph said to them the third day, Do this and live. I fear God. If you are honest, let one of your brothers be bound in the house of your prison. You go carry grain for the famine of your houses. But bring your youngest brother to me, and let your words confirmed, be proved true, and you shall not die. And they did so.


And they said one to another, We are truly guilty concerning our brother, in that we saw the anguish of his soul when he begged us, and we would not hear. Therefore this distress has come upon us. And Reuben answered them, saying, Did I not speak to you saying, Do not sin against the youth? And you would not hear. Therefore, behold, also his blood is required. And they did not know that Joseph understood, for the interpreter was between them. And he turned from them, and wept. And he returned to them again and talked with them, and took Simeon from them and bound him before their eyes. Then Joseph commanded their sacks to be filled with grain, and returned their silver, each into his sack, and to give them provision for the way. And so he did to them. And they loaded their asses with grain, and departed from there. And as one of them opened his sack to give his ass fodder in the inn, he saw his silver. For, behold, it was in the mouth of the sack. And he said to his brothers, My silver has been put back. And, also look in my sack. And their hearts failed, and they each were afraid, saying to one another, What is this God has done to us?

Whiney bitches, you deserve any punishment you get, selling your brother to slavery, upsetting your father, then trying to buy grain from him.

And they came to Jacob their father, to the land of Canaan, and told him all that happened to them, saying, The man, the lord of the land, spoke roughly to us, and took us for spies of the country. And we said to him, We are honest, we are not spies. We are twelve brothers, sons of our father. One is not, and the youngest is this day with our father in the land of Canaan. And the man, the lord of the country, said to us, By this I shall know that you are honest. Leave one, your brother, with me, and take food for the famine of your households, and go. And bring your youngest brother to me. Then I shall know that you are not spies, but that you are honest. And I will deliver you your brother, and you shall trade in the land. And it happened they emptied their sacks, behold, every man’s bundle of silver was in his sack. And when they and their father saw the bundles of silver, they were afraid. And Jacob their father said to them, You have bereaved me. Joseph is not, and Simeon is not, and you will take Benjamin. All these things are against me. And Reuben spoke to his father, saying, Kill my two sons if I do not bring him to you. Deliver him into my hand, and I will bring him to you again. And he said, My son shall not go down with you. For his brother is dead, and he is left alone. And if mischief should happen to him by the way you go, then you shall bring down my gray hairs with sorrow to the grave.

This family infighting is really boring.


And the famine was severe in the land. And it happened, when they had eaten up the grain which they had brought out of Egypt, their father said to them, Go again, buy us a little food. And Judah spoke to him, saying, The man solemnly protested to us, saying, You shall not see my face unless your brother is with you. If you will send our brother with us, we will go down and buy you food. But if you will not send him, we will not go down. For the man said to us, You shall not see my face unless your brother is with you. And Israel said, Why have you dealt ill with me, to tell the man whether you had yet a brother? And they said, The man asked us strictly of our state and of our kindred, saying, Is your father still alive? Have you yet another brother? And we told him according to the tenor of these words. Could we certainly know that he would say, Bring your brother down? And Judah said to Israel his father, Send the boy with me, and we will arise and go, so that we may live and not die, both we and you, also our little ones. I will be surety for him. You shall require him of my hand. If I do not bring him to you and set him before you, I shall be a sinner against you all the days. For unless we had lingered, surely now we would have returned the second time.

Famine, rinse, repeat.

And their father Israel said to them, If it be so now, do this. Take of the best fruits of the land in your vessels, and bring a present down to the man, a little balm, and a little honey, spices, and myrrh, nuts, and almonds. And take double silver in your hand, and the silver that was brought again in the mouth of your sacks, carry it again in your hand. Perhaps it was an oversight. Take also your brother, and arise, go again to the man. And God Almighty give you mercy before the man, so that he may send away your other brother and Benjamin. If I am bereaved, I am bereaved.

Moving along…

And the men took that present, and they took double silver in their hand, and Benjamin. And they rose up and went down to Egypt, and stood before Joseph. And when Joseph saw Benjamin with them, he said to the ruler of his house, Bring the men into the house, and kill an animal and make ready. For the men shall dine with me at noon. And the man did as Joseph said. And the man brought the men into Joseph’s house. And the men were afraid, because they were brought into Joseph’s house. And they said, Because of the silver that was returned in our sacks at the first time we are brought in, to throw himself on us, and fall upon us, and take us for bondmen, and our asses. And they came near to the man over Joseph’s house, and they talked with him at the door of the house, and said, Oh sir, we indeed came down the first time to buy food. And it happened, when we came to the inn, that we opened our sacks, and, behold, every man’s silver was in the mouth of his sack, our silver in full weight. And we have brought it again in our hands. And we have brought down other silver in our hands to buy food. We cannot tell who put our silver in our sacks. And he said, Peace to you, do not fear. Your God, and the God of your father, has given you treasure in your sacks. I had your silver. And he brought Simeon out to them. And the man brought the men into Joseph’s house, and gave them water, and they washed their feet. And he gave fodder to their asses. And they made ready the presents for the coming of Joseph at noon. For they heard that they should eat bread there.

Big hearted guy, that Joseph.  

And when Joseph came home, they brought him the present in their hand into the house, and bowed themselves to him to the earth. And he asked them as to their welfare, and said, Is your father well, the old man of whom you spoke? Is he still alive? And they answered, Your servant, our father, is in good health. He is still alive. And they bowed down their heads and fell before him. And he lifted up his eyes, and saw his brother Benjamin, his mother’s son, and said, Is this your younger brother of whom you spoke to me? And he said, God bless you, my son. And Joseph made haste, for his bowels yearned toward his brother. And he sought a place to weep. And he entered into his room and wept there. And he washed his face, and went out, and controlled himself, and said, Set the bread on. And they set it on for him by himself, and for them by themselves, and for the Egyptians who ate with him by themselves, because the Egyptians may not eat bread with the Hebrews; for that is an abomination to the Egyptians. And they sat before him, the first-born according to his birthright, and the youngest according to his youth. And the men marveled at one another. And one took portions to them from before him. But Benjamin’s portion was five times as much as any of theirs. And they drank, and were merry with him.

Teary family reunion.  


And he commanded the steward of his house, saying, Fill the men’s sacks with food, as much as they can carry, and put each one’s silver in his sack’s mouth. And put my cup, the silver cup, in the mouth of the sack of the youngest, and his grain silver. And he did according to the word that Joseph had spoken. As soon as the morning was light, the men were sent away, they and their asses. They had gone out of the city, not having gone far. And Joseph said to his steward, Rise up, follow after the men and overtake them, and say to them, Why have you rewarded evil for good? Is this not that in which my lord drinks, and by which indeed he divines? You have done evil in so doing. And he overtook them, and he spoke to them these words. And they said to him, Why does your lord say these words? Far be it that your servants should do according to this thing. Behold, the silver which we found in our sack’s mouth, we brought it in to you out of the land of Canaan. How then should we steal out of your lord’s house silver or gold? With whomever of your servants it may be found, both let him die, and we all will be my lord’s bondmen. And he said, Now also let it be according to your word. He with whom it is found shall be my servant, and you shall be blameless. Then they speedily took down every man his sack to the ground, and each one opened his sack. And he searched first at the oldest and with the youngest last. And the cup was found in Benjamin’s sack. Then they tore their clothes, and each one loaded his ass and returned to the city. And Judah and his brothers came to Joseph’s house, for he was still there. And they fell before him to the earth. And Joseph said to them, What deed is this that you have done? Do you not know that one like me can certainly divine? And Judah said, What shall we say to my lord? What shall we speak? Or how shall we clear ourselves? God has found out the iniquity of your servants. Behold, we are my lord’s servants, both we and he also with whom the cup is found. And he said, Be it far from me that I should do so. The man in whose hand the cup is found, he shall be my servant. And as for you, you go in peace to your father.

And Judah came near him and said, O my lord, pray let your servant speak a word in my lord’s ears, and do not let your anger burn against your servant, for you are even as Pharaoh. My lord asked his servants, saying, Do you have a father or a brother? And we said to my lord, We have a father, an old man, and a child of his old age, a little one. And his brother is dead, and he alone is left of his mother, and his father loves him. And you said to your servants, Bring him down to me, and let me see him. And we said to my lord, The boy cannot leave his father, for if he should leave his father, he would die. And you said to your servants, Unless your youngest brother comes down with you, you shall see my face no more. And it happened when we came up to your servant my father, we told him the words of my lord. And our father said, Go again. Buy us a little food. And we said, We cannot go down. If our youngest brother is with us, we will go down, for we may not see the man’s face unless our youngest brother is with us. And your servant my father said to us, You know that my wife bore me two sons. And the one went out from me, and I said, Surely he is torn in pieces. And I never saw him since. And if you take this one also from me, and mischief befall him, you shall bring down my gray hairs with sorrow to the grave. And now when I come to your servant my father, and the boy is not with us, since his life is bound up in his life, it shall be, when he sees that the boy is not with us, he will die. And your servants shall bring down the gray hairs of your servant our father with sorrow to the grave. For your servant became surety for the boy to my father, saying, If I do not bring him to you, then I shall bear the blame to my father forever. And now please let your servant remain instead of the boy as a slave to my lord. And let the boy go up with his brothers. For how shall I go up to my father, and the boy is not with me lest perhaps I see the evil that will find my father?

Grind grind grind.


Then Joseph could not control himself before all those who stood by him. And he cried, Cause every man to go out from me! And no man stood before him while Joseph made himself known to his brothers. And he wept aloud. And the Egyptians and the house of Pharaoh heard. And Joseph said to his brothers, I am Joseph. Is my father still live? And his brothers could not answer him, for they were troubled at his presence. And Joseph said to his brothers, Please come near me. And they came near. And he said, I am Joseph your brother, whom you sold into Egypt. And now do not be grieved, nor angry with yourselves that you sold me here. For God sent me before you to preserve life. For these two years the famine has been in the land, and there are still five years in which there will be no plowing nor harvest. And God sent me before you to preserve for you a remnant in the earth, and to save your lives by a great deliverance. And now you did not send me here, but God. And He has made me a father to Pharaoh, and lord of all his house, and a ruler over all the land of Egypt. Hurry and go up to my father and say to him, So says your son Joseph, God has made me lord of all Egypt. Come down to me, do not wait. And you shall dwell in the land of Goshen, and you shall be near to me, you and your sons and your sons’ sons, and your flocks, and your herds, and all that you have. And I will nourish you there, for there are still five years of famine, lest you and your household, and all that you have, come to poverty. And, behold, your eyes see, and the eyes of my brother Benjamin, that it is my mouth that speaks to you. And you shall tell my father of all my glory in Egypt, and of all that you have seen. And you shall hurry and bring down my father here. And he fell upon his brother Benjamin’s neck and wept. And Benjamin wept upon his neck. And he kissed all his brothers, and wept upon them. And afterwards his brothers talked with him.

So many tears shed.

And the report was heard in Pharaoh’s house, saying, Joseph’s brothers have come. And it was good in the eyes of Pharaoh, and of his servants. And Pharaoh said to Joseph, Say to your brothers, Do this; load your beasts and go into the land of Canaan, and take your father and your households and come to me. And I will give you the good of the land of Egypt, and you shall eat the fat of the land. Now you are commanded; do this. Take wagons out of the land of Egypt for your little ones, and for your wives, and bring your father, and come. And do not regard your stuff, for the good of all the land of Egypt is yours. And the sons of Israel did so. And Joseph gave them wagons according to the command of Pharaoh, and gave them provision for the way. To all of them he gave each man changes of clothing, but to Benjamin he gave three hundred pieces of silver, and five changes of clothing. And to his father he sent this: ten asses loaded with the good things of Egypt, and ten she-asses loaded with grain and bread and food for his father by the way. And he sent his brothers away, and they departed. And he said to them, Do not quarrel along the way.

This is so written by the ancient Hebrews.  There is no way a real Pharaoh would act this way.  No way.

And they went up out of Egypt, and came to the land of Canaan, to Jacob their father. And they told him, saying, Joseph is still alive, and he is governor over all the land of Egypt. And Jacob’s heart fainted, for he did not believe them. And they told him all the words of Joseph, which he had said to them. And when he saw the wagons which Joseph had sent to carry him, the spirit of Jacob their father revived. And Israel said, It is enough. Joseph my son is still alive. I will go and see him before I die.

A former, Hebrew slave is now a governor of all of Egypt?  This one is almost as hard to swallow as Noah’s ark.


And Israel took his journey with all that he had, and came to Beer-sheba, and offered sacrifices to the God of his father Isaac. And God spoke to Israel in the visions of the night, and said, Jacob, Jacob! And he said, Here I am. And He said, I am God, the God of your fathers. Do not fear to go down into Egypt, for I will make of you a great nation. I will go down with you into Egypt, and I will also surely bring you up again. And Joseph shall put his hand on your eyes.

Subtle shift here from God interacting directly to dreams and visions at night.  More of a hidden god at this point.

And Jacob rose up from Beer-sheba. And the sons of Israel carried Jacob their father, and their little ones, and their wives, in the wagons which Pharaoh had sent to carry him. And they took their cattle, and their goods which they had gotten in the land of Canaan, and came into Egypt, Jacob and all his seed with him. His sons, and his sons’ sons with him, his daughters, and his sons’ daughters, and all his seed, he brought with him into Egypt. And these were the names of the sons of Israel who came into Egypt, Jacob and his sons: Reuben, Jacob’s first-born. And the sons of Reuben: Hanoch, and Phallu, and Hezron, and Carmi. And the sons of Simeon: Jemuel, and Jamin, and Ohad, and Jachin, and Zohar, and Shaul, the son of a woman of Canaan. And the sons of Levi: Gershon, Kohath, and Merari. And the sons of Judah: Er and Onan, and Shelah, and Pharez, and Zarah. But Er and Onan died in the land of Canaan. And the sons of Pharez: Hezron and Hamul. And the sons of Issachar: Tola, and Phuvah, and Job, and Shimron. And the sons of Zebulun: Sered and Elon and Jahleel. These were the sons of Leah, whom she bore to Jacob in Padan-aram, with his daughter Dinah. All the souls of his sons and his daughters were thirty-three. And the sons of Gad were Ziphion, and Haggi, Shuni, and Ezbon, Eri, and Arodi, and Areli. And the sons of Asher: Jimnah, and Ishuah, and Isui, and Beriah, and their sister Serah. And the sons of Beriah: Heber and Malchiel. These are the sons of Zilpah, whom Laban gave to Leah his daughter, and these whom she bore to Jacob, sixteen souls. The sons of Rachel, Jacob’s wife, were Joseph and Benjamin. And to Joseph in the land of Egypt were born Manasseh and Ephraim, whom Asenath the daughter of Potipherah the priest of On bore him. And the sons of Benjamin: Belah and Becher, and Ashbel, Gera, and Naaman, Ehi, and Rosh, Muppim, and Huppim, and Ard. These are the sons of Rachel, who were born to Jacob. All the souls were fourteen. And the sons of Dan: Hushim. And the sons of Naphtali: Jahzeel, and Guni, and Jezer, and Shillem. These were the sons of Bilhah, whom Laban gave to Rachel his daughter, and she bore these to Jacob. All the souls were seven. All the souls that came with Jacob into Egypt, who came out of his loins, besides Jacob’s sons’ wives, all the souls were sixty-six. And the sons of Joseph, who were born to him in Egypt, were two souls. All the souls of the house of Jacob, who came into Egypt, were seventy.

I hate these genealogy sections.  

And he sent Judah before him to Joseph, to direct his face to Goshen. And Joseph made his chariot ready, and went up to meet Israel his father, to Goshen, and presented himself to him. And he fell on his neck, and wept on his neck a good while. And Israel said to Joseph, Now let me die, since I have seen your face, because you are still alive. And Joseph said to his brothers and to his father’s house, I will go up and show Pharaoh, and say to him, My brothers and my father’s house, who were in the land of Canaan, have come to me. And the men are shepherds, for they have been men of cattle. And they have brought their flocks and their herds and all that they have. And it shall be when Pharaoh shall call you, and shall say, What is your occupation? Then you shall say, Your servants have been men of cattle from our youth even until now, both we and our fathers, so that you may live in the land of Goshen, for every shepherd is an abomination to the Egyptians.

If the Egyptians regard shepherds as an abomination, why did you make one a governor of all of Egypt?  Also, lying is just fine as long as it keeps you from getting harassed.


Then Joseph came and told Pharaoh, and said, My father and my brothers, and their flocks, and their herds, and all that they have, have come out of the land of Canaan. And behold, they are in the land of Goshen. And he took some of his brothers, five men, and presented them to Pharaoh. And Pharaoh said to his brothers, What is your occupation? And they said to Pharaoh, Your servants are shepherds, both we and our fathers. And they said to Pharaoh, For we have come to live in the land. For your servants have no pasture left for their flocks. For the famine is severe in the land of Canaan. And now please let your servants dwell in the land of Goshen. And Pharaoh spoke to Joseph, saying, Your father and your brothers have come to you. The land of Egypt is before you. Make your father and brothers to live in the best of the land; in the land of Goshen let them live. And if you know men of ability among them, then make them overseers of livestock, over what is mine. And Joseph brought in Jacob his father, and set him before Pharaoh. And Jacob blessed Pharaoh. And Pharaoh said to Jacob, How many are the days of the years of your life? And Jacob said to Pharaoh, The days of the years of my pilgrimage are a hundred and thirty years. Few and evil have been the days of the years of my life, and I have not attained to the days of the years of the life of my fathers in the days of their pilgrimage. And Jacob blessed Pharaoh, and went out from before Pharaoh. And Joseph placed his father and his brothers, and gave them a possession in the land of Egypt, in the best of the land, in the land of Rameses, as Pharaoh commanded. And Joseph nourished his father and his brothers, and all his father’s household, with bread, for the mouth of the little ones.

So much wrong here.  Last paragraph, the brothers were told to say they were cattle men?  They said they were shepherds. Also, no way Rameses would allow this.  The land/city of Rameses only existed during the reign of Rameses.  I really wish the Bible would refer to Pharaohs by name.

And no bread was in all the land, for the famine was very severe, so that the land of Egypt and all the land of Canaan fainted because of the famine. And Joseph gathered up all the silver found in the land of Egypt, and in the land of Canaan, for the grain which they bought. And Joseph brought the silver into Pharaoh’s house. And when silver failed in the land of Egypt, and in the land of Canaan, all the Egyptians came to Joseph and said, Give us bread, for why should we die in your presence? For the silver has failed. And Joseph said, Give your cattle, and I will give you for your cattle, if silver has failed. And they brought their cattle to Joseph. And Joseph gave them bread for the horses, and for the flocks, and for the cattle of the herds, and for the asses. And he fed them with bread for all their cattle for that year. When that year was ended, they came to him the second year and said, We will not hide it from my lord, that our silver has failed, also our herds of cattle, going to my lord. Nothing is left in the sight of my lord, but our bodies and our lands. Why should we die before your eyes, both we and our land? Buy us and our land for bread, and we and our land will be servants for Pharaoh. And give us seed, that we may live and not die, that the land be not desolate. And Joseph bought all the land of Egypt for Pharaoh, for the Egyptians sold every man his field, because the famine prevailed over them and the land became Pharaoh’s. And as for the people, he caused them to go into the cities, from one end of the borders of Egypt even to the other end of it. Only he did not buy the land of the priests, for the priests had a portion from Pharaoh, and ate their portion which Pharaoh gave them. Therefore they did not sell their land. And Joseph said to the people, Behold, I have bought you this day, and your land, for Pharaoh. Lo, here is seed for you, and you shall sow the land. And it shall be, as you gather you shall give the fifth part to Pharaoh, and four parts shall be your own, for seed of the field, and for your food, and for those of your household, and for food for your little ones. And they said, You have saved our lives. Let us find grace in the sight of my lord, and we will be Pharaoh’s servants. And Joseph made it a law of the land of Egypt to this day, that Pharaoh should have the fifth part, excepting only the land of the priests, which did not become Pharaoh’s.

This is the most silly, made up gibberish I have ever read.  Makes no logical sense, at all, and is in now way is historical.  They buy land, sell land, buy land that the Pharaoh already has the rights to.  The Hebrews really had not concept of what a Pharaoh was.  He was a living God to his peoples.  He was Egypt, Egypt was him.  

And Israel lived in the land of Egypt, in the country of Goshen. And they had possession in it, and grew, and multiplied exceedingly. And Jacob lived in the land of Egypt seventeen years. And the days of Jacob, the years of his life, were a hundred forty-seven years. And the days of Israel to die drew near. And he called his son Joseph, and said to him, If now I have found grace in your sight, please put your hand under my thigh and deal kindly and truly with me. Please do not bury me in Egypt. But I will lie with my fathers. You shall carry me out of Egypt and bury me in their burying-place. And he said, I will do according to your words. And he said, Swear to me. And he swore to him. And Israel bowed on the head of the bed.

By the way, still exceeding 120 year limit.  The odd changing of names mid-sentence is very distracting and confusing.


And it happened after these things, that one told Joseph, Behold, your father is sick. And he took with him his two sons, Manasseh and Ephraim. And one spoke to Jacob, and said, Behold, your son Joseph comes to you. And Israel strengthened himself, and sat on the bed. And Jacob said to Joseph, God Almighty appeared to me at Luz in the land of Canaan, and blessed me. And He said to me, Behold, I will make you fruitful and multiply you. And I will make of you a multitude of people, and will give this land to your seed after you for an everlasting possession. And now your two sons, Ephraim and Manasseh, who are born to you in the land of Egypt before I came to you into Egypt, are mine; like Reuben and Simeon, they shall be mine. And your issue, which you father after them, shall be yours, and shall be called after the name of their brothers in their inheritance. And as for me, when I came from Padan, Rachel died beside me in the land of Canaan in the way, when there was still but a little way to come to Ephrath. And I buried her there in the way of Ephrath; it is Bethlehem.

And Israel beheld Joseph’s sons, and said, Who are these? And Joseph said to his father, They are my sons, whom God has given me in this place. And he said, please bring them to me, and I will bless them. And the eyes of Israel were dim for age; he could not see. And he brought them near him, and he kissed them and embraced them. And Israel said to Joseph, I had not thought I would see your face, and, lo, God has showed me also your seed. And Joseph brought them out from between his knees, and he bowed his face to the earth. And Joseph took them both, Ephraim in his right hand toward Israel’s left, and Manasseh in his left toward Israel’s right hand. And he brought them near to him. And Israel stretched out his right hand, and laid it on Ephraim’s head, who was the younger, and his left on Manasseh’s head, crossing his hands. For Manasseh was the first-born. And he blessed Joseph and said, May God, before whom my fathers Abraham and Isaac walked, the God who fed me all my life to this day, the Angel who redeemed me from all evil, bless the lads. And let my name be named on them, and the name of my fathers Abraham and Isaac, and let them grow like the fishes into a multitude in the midst of the earth. And Joseph saw that his father laid his right hand on the head of Ephraim, and it was evil in his eyes. And he held up his father’s hand to remove it from Ephraim’s head to Manasseh’s head. And Joseph said to his father, Not so, my father. For this is the first-born. Put your right hand on his head. And his father refused and said, I know, my son, I know. He also shall become a people, and he also shall be great, but truly his younger brother shall be greater than he is, and his seed shall become a multitude of nations. And he blessed them that day, saying, In you shall Israel bless, saying, God make you as Ephraim and as Manasseh. And he put Ephraim before Manasseh. And Israel said to Joseph, Behold, I die. But God shall be with you, and bring you again into the land of your fathers. And I have given to you one portion above your brothers, which I took out of the hand of the Amorite with my sword and with my bow.

Israel dies, I think.


And Jacob called to his sons and said, Gather yourselves together, that I may tell you what shall happen to you in the days to come. Gather yourselves together, and hear, sons of Jacob, and listen to Israel your father. Reuben, you are my first-born, my might, and the beginning of my strength, the excellency of dignity and the excellency of power. Unstable as water, you shall not excel, because you went up to your father’s bed; then you defiled it. He went up to my couch.

I don’t get where the disgust is coming from.

Simeon and Levi are brothers; tools of violence are their weapons. Oh my soul, do not come into their secret. Let not my honor be united with their assembly. For in their anger they killed a man, and in their self-will they hamstrung a bull. Let their anger be cursed, for it was fierce; and their wrath, for it was cruel. I will divide them in Jacob, and scatter them in Israel.

Judah, may your brothers praise you. May your hand be in the neck of your enemies. May your father’s sons bow before you. Judah is a lion’s whelp. My son, you have gone up from the prey. He stooped, he crouched like a lion; and like a lioness, who shall rouse him? The scepter shall not depart from Judah, nor a Lawgiver from between his feet, until Shiloh come. And the obedience of the peoples to him. Binding his foal to the vine, and his ass’s colt to the choice vine, he washed his garments in wine, and his clothes in the blood of grapes. His eyes shall be sparkling with wine, and his teeth white from milk.

Zebulun shall live at the sea shore. And he shall be a haven for ships, and his border beside Sidon. Issachar is a strong ass crouching down between the sheepfolds. And he saw that rest was good and that the land was pleasant. And he bowed his shoulder to bear, and became a tribute-slave. Dan shall judge his people, as one of the tribes of Israel. Dan shall be a serpent by the way, an adder in the path, that bites the horse’s heels, so that its rider shall fall backward. I have waited for Your salvation, O LORD. Gad, raiders shall attack him, and he shall attack their heel. Out of Asher his bread shall be fat, and he shall yield royal dainties. Naphtali is a deer let loose. He gives goodly words.

Joseph is a fruitful son, a fruitful son by a well, whose branches run over the wall. The archers have sorely grieved him, and shot at him, and an archer lurks for him. But his bow abode in strength, and the arms of his hands were made strong by the hands of the mighty God of Jacob (from the Shepherd, the Rock of Israel); by the God of your father, who shall help you. And may the Almighty bless you with blessings of Heaven above, blessings of the deep that lies beneath, blessings of the breasts and of the womb. The blessings of your father are above the blessings of my ancestors, to the utmost bound of the everlasting hills. They shall be on the head of Joseph, and on the crown of the head of him, the ruler, the leader of his brothers. Benjamin is a wolf that tears in pieces. In the morning he shall devour the prey, and at night he shall divide the spoil.

All these were the twelve tribes of Israel. And this is what their father spoke to them, and blessed them; everyone according to his blessing he blessed them. And he charged them and said to them, I am to be gathered to my people. Bury me with my fathers in the cave that is in the field of Ephron the Hittite, in the cave that is in the field of Machpelah, which is before Mamre, in the land of Canaan, the field which Abraham bought from Ephron the Hittite for a burying-place. They buried Abraham and his wife Sarah there, and they buried Isaac and his wife Rebekah. And I buried Leah there; the purchase of the field and the cave in it, from the sons of Heth. And Jacob finished commanding his sons, and he gathered his feet into the bed. And he expired, and was gathered to his people.

Most drawn out death scene ever.  Thought he died 7 paragraphs ago.


And Joseph fell on his father’s face, and wept on him, and kissed him. And Joseph commanded his servants the physicians to embalm his father. And the physicians embalmed Israel. And forty days were fulfilled for him, for so are fulfilled the days of those who are embalmed. And the Egyptians mourned for him seventy days. And when the days of his mourning were past, Joseph spoke to the house of Pharaoh, saying, If now I have found grace in your eyes, I pray you speak in the ears of Pharaoh saying, My father made me swear, saying, Lo, I die. You shall bury me in my grave which I have dug for me in the land of Canaan. Now therefore, I pray you, let me go up and bury my father, and I will come again. And Pharaoh said, Go up and bury your father, according as he made you swear.

Why would they embalm him?  I thought that was an Egyptian thing?  Why would the Egyptians mourn his death?  Such obvious propaganda.  

And Joseph went up to bury his father. And all the servants of Pharaoh went up with him, the elders of his house, and all the elders of the land of Egypt, and all the house of Joseph, and his brothers, and his father’s house. They left only their little ones and their flocks and their herds in the land of Goshen. And both chariots and horsemen went up with him. And it was a very great company. And they came to the threshing floor of Atad, beyond Jordan, and there they mourned with a great and very sore lamentation. And he made a mourning for his father seven days. And when the inhabitants of the land, the Canaanites, saw the mourning at the grain floor of thorns, and they said, This is a grievous mourning to the Egyptians. Therefore they called its name, Meadow of Egypt, which is beyond Jordan. And his sons did to him according as he commanded them. For his sons carried him to the land of Canaan, and buried him in the cave of the field of Machpelah, which Abraham bought with the field for a burying place from Ephron the Hittite, before Mamre. And Joseph returned to Egypt, he and his brothers, and all that went up with him to bury his father, after he had buried his father.

And when Joseph’s brothers saw that their father was dead, they said, Joseph will perhaps hate us, and will certainly repay us all the evil which we did to him. And they sent a message to Joseph, saying, Your father commanded before he died, saying, So shall you say to Joseph, please lift up the rebellion of your brothers, and their sin. For they did evil to you. And please now lift up the rebellion of the servants of the God of your father. And Joseph wept when they spoke to him. And his brothers also went and fell down before his face. And they said, Behold, we are your servants. And Joseph said to them, Do not fear. For am I in the place of God? But as for you, you thought evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save a great many people alive. And now do not fear. I will nourish you and your little ones. And he comforted them, and spoke to their hearts.

And Joseph lived in Egypt, he and his father’s house. And Joseph lived a hundred and ten years. And Joseph saw Ephraim’s sons of the third generation. Also the sons of Machir the son of Manasseh were born on Joseph’s knees. And Joseph said to his brothers, I die. And God will surely visit you, and bring you out of this land into the land which He swore to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob. And Joseph took an oath of the sons of Israel, saying, God will surely visit you, and you shall carry up my bones from here. So Joseph died, being a hundred and ten years old. And they embalmed him, and put him in a coffin in Egypt.

Israel is buried, Joseph finally died under the 120 year mark.

Oh, so glad this book is over.  I really, really don’t know how any reasonable person could believe that the Bible is the inerrant word of God.  From the talking snake, the fawning pharaohs, to the absurd ages, miracle ark, impossible and internally inconsistent creation, it is so absurd.  I understand now why theists attempt to defend young Earth creation.  Without it, there is no original sin, and no need for Jesus to exist and die for that sin.  

So far, I see no good moral lessons.  Rape, incest, incest/rape, polygamy, sex slaves, whores, mass murder, all smack of a primitive culture.

As a literary critique, the transitions from passive to active voice, combined with singular, to plural, to first person, to second person representations of God is really clunky.  It really reads as what it is, a sloppy mishmash of separate oral traditions, with anachronisms and crude editing.  

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