Exodus 21 to 30

Exodus 21

And these are the judgments which you shall set before them. If you buy a Hebrew servant, he shall serve six years. And in the seventh he shall go out free for nothing. If he came in by himself, he shall go out by himself. If he was married, then his wife shall go out with him. If his master has given him a wife, and she has borne him sons or daughters, the wife and her children shall be her master’s, and he shall go out by himself. And if the servant shall plainly say, I love my master, my wife, and my sons. I do not want to go out free his master shall bring him to the judges. He shall also bring him to the door or to the door-post. And his master shall bore his ear through with an awl, and he shall serve him forever. And if a man sells his daughter to be a maidservant, she shall not go out as the menservants do. If she does not please her master, who has betrothed her to himself, then he shall let her be redeemed. He shall have no power to sell her to a strange nation, since he has dealt deceitfully with her. And if he has betrothed her to his son, he shall deal with her as with daughters. If he takes himself another wife, her food, her clothing, and her duty of marriage shall not be lessened. And if he does not do these three to her, then she shall go out free without money.

Commandments not many people don’t talk about.  Outlines how to keep slaves and their wives, and children.  If a slave is not willing to leave his family, you will mark his ear and keep him until he dies.  The second half allows sex slaves and multiple wives.  Nice morals.

He that strikes a man, so that he dies, shall be surely put to death. And if a man does not lie in wait, but God delivers him into his hand, then I will appoint you a place where he shall flee. But if a man comes presumptuously upon his neighbor to slay him with guile, you shall take him from My altar, so that he may die. And he that strikes his father or his mother shall surely be put to death. And he that steals a man and sells him, or if he is found in his hand, he shall surely be put to death. And he that curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death. And if men strive together, and one strikes another with a stone, or with his fist, and he does not die, but keeps his bed; if he rises again and walks abroad upon his staff, then he that struck him shall be set free. Only he shall pay for the loss of his time, and shall cause him to be completely healed. And if a man strikes his servant, or his maidservant, with a rod, and he dies under his hand, he shall surely be punished. But if he continues a day or two, he shall not be punished. For he is his money.

So, manslaughter is ok, as long as you hide, and don’t impose on your neighbors.  Hit your father, death.  Steal a slave and sell him, death.  Curse your parents, death.  Assault is OK as well as the guy can recover, with the help of a staff.  Kill a slave, punished, slave recovers, no punishment.  This book disgusts me so far.  Notice no prohibition against rape or a 1000 terrible crimes.

If men strive and strike a pregnant woman, so that her child comes out, and there is no injury, he shall surely be punished, according as the woman’s husband will lay upon him. And he shall pay as the judges say And if any injury occurs, then you shall give life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burning for burning, wound for wound, stripe for stripe. And if a man strike the eye of his servant, or the eye of his maid, so that it perishes, he shall let him go free on account of his eye. And if he strikes out his manservant’s tooth, or his maidservant’s tooth, he shall let him go free on account of his tooth. If an ox gores a man or woman so that they die, then the ox shall surely be stoned, and his flesh shall not be eaten. But the owner of the ox shall be set free. But if the ox was apt to gore in time past, and his owner has been told, and he has not kept him in, but that he has killed a man or a woman, the ox shall be stoned, and his owner also shall be put to death. If there is laid on him a sum of money, then he shall give for the ransom of his life whatever is laid upon him. Whether he has gored a son, or has gored a daughter, according to this judgment it shall be done to him. If the ox shall gore a manservant or a maidservant, he shall give to their master thirty shekels of silver, and the ox shall be stoned. And if a man shall open a pit, or if a man shall dig a pit, and not cover it, and an ox or an ass falls in it, the owner of the pit shall make it good and give silver to its owner. And the dead shall be his. And in the event the ox of a man damages the ox of a neighbor, so that it dies, then they shall sell the living ox, and they shall divide the money of it. And they shall also divide the dead ox. Or if it is known that the ox has been apt to gore in time past, and his owner has not kept him in, he shall surely pay ox for ox. And the dead shall be his own.

Gouge an eye, knock out some teeth, your slave can go free.  Kill ox that kills humans.  If the owner knows it was a dangerous animal, the owner dies too.  If you don’t cover a pit and an animal dies, you have to pay the owner for the value of the animal.  An eye for an eye philosophy, it just sick.  

Exodus 22
If a man shall steal an ox, or a sheep, and kill it or sell it, he shall restore five oxen for an ox, and four sheep for a sheep. If a thief is found breaking in, and is struck so that he dies, no blood shall be shed for him. If the sun is risen upon him, blood is due for him. He should repay in full. If he has nothing, then he shall be sold for his theft. If the theft is certainly found in his hand alive, whether it is an ox, or an ass, or a sheep, he shall restore double. If a man causes a field or vineyard to be eaten, and shall put in his animal, and shall feed in another man’s field; he shall repay from the best of his own field, and the best of his own vineyard. If fire breaks out and catches in thorns, so that the stacks of grain, or the standing grain, or the field, is burned up, he who kindled the fire shall surely repay in full.

Blah blah blah, more farming rules.  

If a man shall deliver to his neighbor silver or stuff to keep, and it is stolen out of the man’s house; if the thief is found, let him pay double. If the thief is not found, then the master of the house shall be brought to the judges, whether he has put his hand to his neighbor’s goods. For every case of trespass, for ox, for ass, for sheep, for clothing, for any kind of lost thing, which another claims to be his, the cause of both parties shall come before the judges. Whom the judges shall condemn, he shall pay double to his neighbor. If a man delivers to his neighbor an ass, or an ox, or a sheep, or any animal to keep, and it dies, or is hurt, or driven away, no one seeing, an oath of the LORD shall be between them both, that he has not put his hand to his neighbor’s goods. And the owner of it shall accept it, and he shall not make it good. And if it is stolen from him, he shall fully repay the owner of it. If it is torn in pieces, let him bring it for witness, and he shall not make good that which was torn. And if a man borrows from his neighbor, and it is hurt, or dies, and the owner of it not with it, he shall surely make it good. If the owner of it is with it, he shall not make it good. If it is hired, it came for its hire.

Who the fuck cares?  As an aside, camels have disappeared.  Shows this was written before Genesis.

And if a man lures a virgin who is not promised, and lies with her, he shall surely endow her to be his wife. If her father utterly refuses to give her to him, he shall pay money according to the dowry of virgins. You shall not allow a sorceress to live. Anyone lying with an animal shall surely be put to death. One sacrificing to a god, except it is to Jehovah only, he shall be utterly destroyed. You shall neither vex a stranger nor oppress him, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt. You shall not afflict any widow or fatherless child. If you afflict them in any way, and they cry at all to Me, I will surely hear their cry. And My wrath shall become hot, and I will kill you with the sword, and your wives shall be widows, and your sons fatherless.

Such a strange paragraph.  No premarital sex, you have to marry her.  If the father refuses, pay the fine and move on.  Don’t let sorceresses live?  Like witches?  Umm, magic isn’t real.  God should know that.  Be good to orphans.  Again, don’t worship other Gods.

If you lend money to one of My people who is poor beside you, you shall not be to him as a money-lender, neither shall you lay upon him interest. If you at all take your neighbor’s clothing as a pledge, you shall deliver it to him by the time the sun goes down. For that is his covering only, it is his clothing for his skin. In what shall he sleep? And it will be, when he cries to Me, I will hear, for I am gracious. You shall not revile God, nor curse the ruler of your people. You shall not delay to offer the first of your ripe fruits and of your sap. You shall give the first-born of your sons to Me. Likewise you shall do with your oxen and with your sheep; it shall be with its dam seven days. On the eighth day you shall give it to Me. And you shall be holy men to Me. Neither shall you eat flesh torn by beasts in the field. You shall throw it to the dogs.

Don’t charge interest when lending to the poor.  And, what kind of asshole are you to literally use the shirt off the person’s back as collateral?  No blaspheming God or your rulers.  I didn’t know this.  In the United States, cursing your ruler is in the first amendment of our constitution.  More sacrifice rules.

Exodus 23
You shall not raise a false report. Do not put your hand with the wicked to be an unrighteous witness. You shall not follow a multitude to do evil. Neither shall you speak in a cause in order to follow many in order to wrest judgment. And you should not favor a poor man in his cause. If you meet your enemy’s ox or his ass going astray, you shall surely bring it back to him again. If you see the ass of him who hates you lying under his burden, and would hold back from helping him, you shall surely help him. You shall not pervert the judgment of your poor in his cause. Keep far from a false matter, and do not kill the innocent and righteous. For I will not justify the wicked. And you shall take no bribe, for the bribe blinds the wise and perverts the words of the righteous. Also you shall not oppress a stranger. For you know the heart of a stranger, since you were strangers in the land of Egypt.

Another reiteration of no false witness.  Don’t join an angry mob.  You should not favor a poor man in his cause?  Really?  Doesn’t your only son say the exact opposite later?  Take no bribes, don’t oppress a stranger.  This is a clunky, self contradictory paragraph.  

And you shall sow your land six years, and shall gather in the fruits of it. But the seventh year you shall let it rest and lie still, so that the poor of your people may eat. And what they leave, the animals of the field shall eat. In the same way you shall deal with your vineyard and with your oliveyard. You shall do your work six days, and on the seventh day you shall rest, so that your ox and your ass may rest, and the son of your handmaid, and the stranger, may be refreshed. And be watchful in all that I have said to you. And make no mention of the name of other gods, neither let it be heard out of your mouth. You shall keep a feast to Me three times in the year. You shall keep the Feast of Unleavened Bread. You shall eat unleavened bread seven days, as I commanded you, in the time appointed of the month Abib, for in it you came out of Egypt. And no one shall appear before Me empty. Also the Feast of Harvest, the first-fruits of your labors, which you have sown in the field. Also the Feast of Ingathering, in the end of the year, when you have gathered in your labors out of the field. Three times in the year all your males shall appear before the Lord God. You shall not offer the blood of My sacrifice with leavened bread, neither shall the fat of My sacrifice remain until the morning. The first of the firstfruits of your land you shall bring into the house of the LORD your God. You shall not boil a kid in its mother’s milk.

Repetitive crap, except for not boiling a baby goat in its mother’s milk.

Behold, I send an Angel before you, to keep you in the way, and to bring you to the place which I have prepared. Be on guard before Him, and obey His voice. Do not provoke Him, for He will not pardon your transgressions. For My name is in Him. But if you shall indeed obey His voice, and do all that I speak, then I will be an enemy to your enemies, and a foe to your foes. For My Angel shall go before you and bring you in to the Amorites, and the Hittites, and the Perizzites, and the Canaanites, and the Hivites, and the Jebusites. And I will cut them off. You shall not bow down to their gods, nor serve them. And you shall not do according to their works. But you shall surely pull them down, and surely you shall smash their images. And you shall serve the LORD your God, and He shall bless your bread and your water. And I will take sickness away from the midst of you. Nothing shall cast their young, nor be barren in your land. The number of your days I will fulfill. I will send My fear before you, and will destroy all the people to whom you shall come. And I will make all your enemies turn their backs to you. And I will send hornets before you, which shall drive out the Hivite, the Canaanite, and the Hittite before you. I will not drive them out from before you in one year, lest the land become a waste, and the beast of the field multiply against you. By little and little I will drive them out from before you, until you have increased, and inherit the land. And I will stretch your bounds from the Red Sea even to the Sea of the Philistines, and from the desert to the river. For I will deliver the inhabitants of the land into your hand, and you shall drive them out before you. You shall make no covenant with them or with their gods. They shall not dwell in your land lest they make you sin against Me. For if you serve their gods, it surely will be a snare to you.

I will wipe out everyone who stands in your way.  Don’t worship other gods…again.  The LORD is really insecure.

Exodus 24
And He said to Moses, Come up to the LORD, you and Aaron, Nadab, and Abihu, and seventy of the elders of Israel. And bow yourselves afar off. And Moses alone shall come near the LORD, but they shall not come near. Neither shall the people go up with him. And Moses came and told the people all the words of the LORD, and all the judgments. And all the people answered with one voice and said, All the words which the LORD has said, we will do. And Moses wrote all the words of the LORD, and rose up early in the morning, and built an altar below the mountain and twelve pillars according to the twelve tribes of Israel. And he sent young men of the sons of Israel who offered burnt offerings, and sacrificed peace offerings of bullocks to the LORD. And Moses took half of the blood, and put it in basins, and half of the blood he sprinkled on the altar. And he took the book of the covenant, and read in the ears of the people. And they said, All that the LORD has said we will do, and be obedient. And Moses took the blood and sprinkled it on the people, and said, Behold the blood of the covenant, which the LORD has made with you concerning all these words.

So Moses wrote all of those boring ass rules down, then blood every fucking where.  

And Moses went up, and Aaron, Nadab, and Abihu, and seventy of the elders of Israel. And they saw the God of Israel. And there was under His feet as it were a paved work of a sapphire stone, and as it were the heavens in clearness. And upon the nobles of the sons of Israel He did not lay his hands. Also they saw God, and ate and drank.

So?

And the LORD said to Moses, Come up to Me in the mountain, and be there. And I will give you tablets of stone, and the law, and commandments which I have written, so that you may teach them. And Moses rose up, and his attendant Joshua. And Moses went up into the mountain of God. And he said to the elders, You stay here for us until we come again to you. And behold, Aaron and Hur are with you. If any man has any matters to do, let him come to them. And Moses went up into the mountain, and a cloud covered the mountain. And the glory of the LORD abode upon Mount Sinai, and the cloud covered it six days. And the seventh day He called to Moses out of the midst of the cloud. And the sight of the glory of the LORD was like devouring fire on the top of the mountain in the eyes of the sons of Israel. And Moses went into the midst of the cloud, and went up into the mountain. And Moses was in the mountain forty days and forty nights.

Holy shit…we are doing this..again???  What the fuck were the last couple thousand words for?  Ok, back to the volcano.  

Exodus 25
And the LORD spoke to Moses, saying, Speak to the sons of Israel that they bring Me an offering. You shall take an offering from every man that gives it willingly with his heart. And this is the offering which you shall take of them: gold, and silver, and brass, and blue, and purple, and scarlet, and bleached linen, and goats’ hair, and rams’ skins dyed red, and dugong skins, and acacia-wood, oil for the light, spices for anointing oil and for sweet incense, onyx stones, and stones to be set in the ephod and in the breast-pocket. And let them make Me a sanctuary, so that I may dwell among them. According to all that I show you, the pattern of the tabernacle, and the pattern of all the instruments of it, even so you shall make it.

Whoa whoa whoa…why would the LORD need siver and gold?  This seems so made up for the benefit for the leaders of the temple.  Isn’t god everywhere?  Why do you need a sanctuary?  

And they shall make an ark of acacia-wood. Two and a half cubits long and a cubit and a half wide and a cubit and a half high. And you shall overlay it with pure gold. You shall overlay it inside and out, and shall make on it a crown of gold all around. And you shall cast four rings of gold for it, and shall put it on its four feet. And two rings shall be in the one side of it, and two rings in the other side of it. And you shall make staves of acacia-wood, and overlay them with gold. And you shall put the staves into the rings by the sides of the ark, so that the ark may be carried with them. And the staves shall be in the rings of the ark. They shall not be taken from it. And you shall put into the ark the testimony which I shall give you. And you shall make a mercy-seat of pure gold. Two and a half cubits shall be the length of it, and a cubit and a half the breadth of it. And you shall make two cherubs of gold; of beaten work you shall make them, in the two ends of the mercy-seat. And make one cherub on the one end, and the other cherub on the other end. From the mercy-seat you shall make the cherubs, on the two ends of it. And the cherubs shall stretch forth their wings on high, covering the mercy-seat with their wings, and their faces each toward the other; toward the mercy-seat shall the cherubs’ faces be. And you shall put the mercy-seat above, upon the ark. And in the ark you shall put the testimony that I shall give you. And I will meet with you there, and I will talk with you from above the mercy-seat, from between the two cherubs on the ark of the testimony, of all things which I will give you in commandment to the sons of Israel.

Very specific instructions on how to build the ark of the covenant.  I guess the official rules are not laid out yet, it is written in the future tense.  Spielberg got most of the design right, except for the staves you can not remove. 

You shall also make a table of acacia-wood, its length two cubits, and its breadth a cubit, and its height a cubit and a half. And you shall overlay it with pure gold, and make to this a crown of gold all around. And you shall make to it a border of a hand’s breadth round about. And you shall make a golden crown to the border of it, all around. And you shall make for it four rings of gold, and put the rings in the four corners that are on the four feet of it. The rings shall be adjoining the border as housings for the staves to carry the table. And you shall make the staves of acacia-wood and overlay them with gold, so that the table may be carried with them. And you shall make its dishes, and its spoons, and its pitchers, and its sacrificial cups with which a drink-offering is made. You shall make them of pure gold. And you shall set upon the table showbread before Me always.

Oh, a fancy gold table, with matching dishes, spoons, pitcher, and cups.  First time I have heard of a holy table of the covenant.  

And you shall make a lampstand of pure gold. The lampstand shall be made of beaten work; its shaft, and its branches, its cups, its knobs, and its blossoms, shall be from it. And six branches shall come out of the sides of it– three branches of the lampstand out of the one side, and three branches of the lampstand out of the other side. Three almond-like cups on the one branch, with knob and blossom; and three almond-like cups on the one branch, with knob and blossom, so for the six branches, those going out of the lampstand. And in the lampstand shall be four almond-like cups, with their knobs and their blossoms; and a knob under two branches of it, and a knob under two branches of it, and a knob under two branches of it, according to the six branches, those going out of the lampstand. Their knobs and their branches shall be of it, all of it one beaten work of pure gold. And you shall make the seven lamps of it. And one shall light the lamps of it, so that they may give light on its face. And the tongs of it, and its pans shall be of pure gold. One shall make it of a talent of pure gold, with all these vessels. And see that you make them after their pattern, which was shown you in the mountain.

Golden lamp of the covenant.  

Exodus 26
And you shall make the tabernacle with ten curtains of fine twined bleached linen, and blue, and purple, and scarlet. You shall make them with cherubs, of the work of a cunning workman. The length of one curtain shall be twenty-eight cubits, and the breadth of one curtain four cubits. And every one of the curtains shall have one measure. The five curtains shall be coupled together, each to its sister. And five curtains shall be coupled together, each to its sister. And you shall make loops of blue on the edge of one curtain, from the end at the juncture; and so you shall do at the edge of the last curtain, at the second juncture. You shall make fifty loops in the one curtain, and you shall make fifty loops in the end of the curtain which is at second juncture, the corresponding loops each to her sister. You shall make fifty clasps of gold, and you shall join the curtains each to her sister by the clasps. And it shall be one tabernacle.

You have got to be kidding me.  The most detailed description of a curtain I have ever read.  One sentence against killing, scores of words…on a curtain.  

And you shall make curtains of goats’ hair to be a tent over the tabernacle. You shall make eleven curtains. The length of one curtain shall be thirty cubits, and the breadth of one curtain four cubits, one measure to the eleven curtains. And you shall join five curtains by themselves, and six curtains by themselves. And you shall double the sixth curtain in the forefront of the tabernacle. And you shall make fifty loops on the edge of one curtain, the last at the juncture, and fifty loops in the edge of the curtain that joins second. And you shall make fifty clasps of bronze, and put the clasps into the loops, and couple the tent together, so that it may be one. And the rest that remains of the curtains of the tent, the half curtain that remains, shall hang over the backside of the tabernacle. And the cubit from this side, and the cubit from that side that remains in the length of the curtains of the tent shall be hung over the sides of the tabernacle, from this and from that side, to cover it. And you shall make a covering for the tent of rams’ skins dyed red, and a covering above of dugong skins.

Fuck me, who cares? 

And you shall make boards for the tabernacle of acacia-wood standing up. Ten cubits shall be the length of one board, and a cubit and a half shall be the breadth of one board. There shall be two pins in one board, each connected to its sister-piece. So you shall do for all the boards of the tabernacle. And you shall make the boards for the tabernacle, twenty boards on the south side southward. And you shall make forty sockets of silver under the twenty boards– two sockets under one board for its two pins, and two sockets under another board for its two pins. And for the second side of the tabernacle on the north side shall be twenty boards, and their forty sockets of silver, two sockets under one board, and two sockets under another board. And for the sides of the tabernacle westward you shall make six boards. And you shall make two boards for the corners of the tabernacle in the sides. And they shall be coupled together beneath, and they shall be coupled together above the head of it to one ring. So it shall be for them both. They shall be for the two corners. And there shall be eight boards, and their sockets of silver, sixteen sockets, two sockets under one board, and two sockets under another board. And you shall make bars of acacia-wood, five for the boards of the one side of the tabernacle, and five bars for the boards of the other side of the tabernacle; and five bars for the side of the tabernacle, for the two sides westward. And the middle bar in the midst of the boards shall reach from end to end. And you shall overlay the boards with gold, and you shall make their rings of gold, housings for the bars. And you shall overlay the bars with gold. And you shall rear up the tabernacle according to the pattern of it which was shown you in the mountain.

This reads like the most boring instruction manual, ever. 

And you shall make a veil of blue, and purple, and scarlet, and fine twined bleached linen of embroidered work. It shall be made with cherubs. And you shall hang it upon four pillars of acacia overlaid with gold. Their hooks shall be of gold, upon the four sockets of silver. And you shall hang up the veil under the clasps, that you may bring the ark of the testimony in there within the veil. And the veil shall divide for you between the holy place and the Holy of Holies. And you shall put the mercy-seat upon the ark of the testimony in the Holy of Holies. And you shall set the table outside the veil, and the lampstand over against the table on the side of the tabernacle toward the south. And you shall put the table on the north side. And you shall make a screen for the door of the tent, of blue, and purple, and scarlet, and fine twined bleached linen, worked with needlework. And you shall make five pillars of acacia-wood for the screen, and overlay them with gold; their hooks shall be of gold. And you shall cast five sockets of bronze for them.

We get it, move on.

Exodus 27
And you shall make an altar of acacia-wood, five cubits long and five cubits broad. The altar shall be square. And the height of it shall be three cubits. And you shall make the horns of it upon the four corners of it. Its horns shall be of the same, and you shall overlay it with bronze. And you shall make its pans to receive its ashes, and its shovels, and its basins, and its flesh-hooks, and its fire-pans. All the vessels of it you shall make of bronze. And you shall make for it a grate of network of bronze. And upon the net you shall make four bronze rings in the four corners of it. And you shall put it under the ledge of the altar beneath, so that the net may be even to the midst of the altar. And you shall make staves for the altar, staves of acacia-wood, and overlay them with bronze. And the staves shall be put into the rings, and the staves shall be upon the two sides of the altar, to carry it. You shall make it hollow with boards; as it was shown you in the mountain, so shall they make it.

Kill me, fuck, when will this end?  

And you shall make the court of the tabernacle. For the south side southward there shall be hangings for the court of fine twined bleached linen, of a hundred cubits long for one side. And the twenty pillars of it, and their twenty sockets, shall be of bronze. The hooks of the pillars and their bands shall be of silver. And so for the north side in length, hangings of a hundred cubits long. And its twenty pillars and their twenty sockets shall be of bronze. The hooks of the pillars and their bands of silver. And for the breadth of the court on the west side shall be hangings of fifty cubits. Their pillars shall be ten, and their sockets ten. And the breadth of the court on the east side eastward shall be fifty cubits. The hangings of one side of the gate shall be fifteen cubits. Their pillars shall be three, and their sockets three; and on the other side hangings of fifteen cubits; their pillars three, and their sockets three. And for the gate of the court shall be a screen of twenty cubits, of blue and purple and scarlet, and fine twined bleached linen, worked with needlework; their pillars four, and their sockets four. All the pillars around the court shall be banded with silver; their hooks silver, and their sockets of bronze. The length of the court shall be a hundred cubits, and the breadth fifty cubits of everywhere, and the height five cubits of fine twined bleached linen, and their sockets bronze. All the vessels of the tabernacle in all the service of it, and all the pins of it, and all the pins of the court, shall be bronze.

Fuck you Bible, I am skimming this.

And you shall command the sons of Israel that they bring you pure olive oil beaten for the light, to cause the lamp to burn always in the tabernacle of the congregation, outside the veil which is before the testimony. Aaron and his sons shall order it from evening to morning before the LORD. It shall be a statute forever to their generations on behalf of the sons of Israel.

I sure hope this is over soon.  I am this close to buying a Bible, just to desecrate it.  

Exodus 28
And you shall take to yourself Aaron your brother, and his sons with him, from among the sons of Israel, so that he may minister to Me in the priest’s office: Aaron and Aaron’s sons, Nadab and Abihu, Eleazar and Ithamar. And you shall make holy garments for Aaron your brother, for glory and for beauty. And you shall speak to all the wise-hearted, whom I have filled with the spirit of wisdom, that they make Aaron’s garments to consecrate him, so that he may minister to Me in the priest’s office. And these are the garments which they shall make: a breast-pocket, and an ephod, and a robe, and an embroidered coat, a miter, and a girdle. And they shall make holy garments for Aaron your brother, and his sons, so that he may minister to Me in the priest’s office. And they shall take gold, and blue, and purple, and scarlet, and bleached linen.

Clothes now, really?  

And they shall make the ephod of gold, blue, and purple, scarlet, and fine twined bleached linen, skilled work. It shall have the two shoulder-pieces of it joined at the two edges of it. And so it shall be joined together. And the embroidered girdle of the ephod, which is upon it, shall be of the same, according to the work of it: of gold, blue, and purple, and scarlet, and fine twined bleached linen. And you shall take two onyx stones, and you shall engrave on them the names of the sons of Israel. Six of their names shall be on one stone, and six of the remaining names on the other stone, according to their birth. With the work of an engraver in stone, like the engravings of a signet, you shall engrave the two stones with the names of the sons of Israel. You shall make them to be set in settings of gold. And you shall put the two stones upon the shoulders of the ephod for stones of memorial to the sons of Israel. And Aaron shall bear their names before the LORD upon his two shoulders for a memorial. And you shall make plaited work of gold, and two chains of pure gold at the ends. You shall make them of woven work, a work of cord, and fasten the woven chains to the plaited work.

Fuck this, this close to skipping forward until something interesting happens.

And you shall make the breast-pocket of judgment with embroidered work. After the work of the ephod you shall make it; of gold, blue, and purple, and scarlet, and fine twined bleached linen, you shall make it. It shall be square, doubled; a span the length of it, and a span the breadth of it. And you shall set in it settings of stones, four rows of stones. The first row shall be a sardius, topaz, and carbuncle in the row. And the second row: an emerald, a sapphire. and a diamond. And the third row: an opal, an agate, and an amethyst. And the fourth row: a chrysolite, and an onyx, and a jasper. They shall be set in gold in their fillings. And the stones shall be with the names of the sons of Israel, twelve, according to their names, like the engravings of a signet. They shall be each one with his name according to the twelve tribes. And you shall make chains upon the breast-pocket, work of cords, in pure gold. And you shall make upon the breast-pocket two rings of gold, and shall put the two rings on the two ends of the breast-pocket. And you shall put the two woven chains of gold in the two rings on the ends of the breast-pocket. And the two ends of the two cords you shall fasten on the two plaitings, and put them on the shoulder-pieces of the ephod before it. And you shall make two rings of gold, and you shall put them upon the two ends of the breast-pocket in the border of it, which is in the side of the ephod inward. And you shall make two rings of gold, and shall put them on the two sides of the ephod underneath, toward the front of it, near its joining, above the band of the ephod. And they shall bind the breast-pocket by its rings to the rings of the ephod with a lace of blue, that it may be above the band of the ephod, and so that the breast-pocket may not be loosed from the ephod. And Aaron shall bear the names of the sons of Israel in the breast-pocket of judgment upon his heart, when he goes in to the holy place, for a memorial before the LORD continually. And you shall put in the breast-pocket of judgment the Urim and the Thummim. And they shall be upon Aaron’s heart, when he goes in before the LORD. And Aaron shall bear the judgment of the sons of Israel upon his heart before the LORD continually.

Fuck you LORD, who gives a shit about shirt pockets?  

And you shall make the robe of the ephod all of blue. And there shall be a hole in the top of it, in its middle; a binding shall be all around its mouth, of woven work. It shall be like the mouth of a corselet; it may not be torn. And on its hem you shall make pomegranates of blue, and purple, and scarlet, all around its hem. And bells of gold shall be amidst them all around. There shall be a golden bell and a pomegranate, a golden bell and a pomegranate, upon the hem of the robe all around. And it shall be on Aaron to serve. And his sound shall be heard when he goes in to the holy place before the LORD, and when he comes out, so that he will not die. And you shall make a plate of pure gold, and carve on it, like the engravings of a signet, HOLINESS TO JEHOVAH. And you shall put it on a blue lace, so that it may be on the miter; on the front of the miter it shall be. And it shall be on Aaron’s forehead, so that Aaron may bear the iniquity of the holy things which will sanctify the sons of Israel in all their holy gifts. And it shall always be on his forehead, so that they may be accepted before the LORD. And you shall weave the tunic of bleached linen, and you shall make the miter of bleached linen, and you shall make the girdle of needlework.

Fuuuuuuucccccccckkkkkkkkkk

And you shall make tunics for Aaron’s sons, and you shall make for them girdles, and turbans you shall make for them, for glory and for beauty. And you shall clothe Aaron your brother with them, and his sons with him. And you shall anoint them, and you shall consecrate them, and you shall sanctify them, so that they may minister to Me in the priest’s office. And you shall make them linen breeches to cover the naked flesh; from the loins even to the thighs they shall reach. And they shall be upon Aaron, and upon his sons, when they come in to the tabernacle of the congregation, or when they come near the altar to minister in the holy place; so that they do not bear iniquity, and die. It shall be a statute forever to him and his seed after him.

Undergarment instructions?  Fucking really?  Slaves are ok, rape is ok, but wear fucking boxers?

Exodus 29

And this is the thing that you shall do to them, to sanctify them to minister to Me in the priest’s office. Take one bull, the son of the herd, and two rams without blemish, and unleavened bread, and cakes unleavened mixed with oil, and wafers unleavened anointed with oil. You shall make them of wheat flour. And you shall put them into one basket, and bring them in the basket, with the bull and the two rams. And you shall bring Aaron and his sons to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, and shall wash them with water. And you shall take the garments, and clothe Aaron with the tunic, and the robe of the ephod, and the ephod, and the breast-pocket, and bind it to him with the band of the ephod. And you shall put the miter upon his head, and put the holy crown upon the miter. Then you shall take the anointing oil, and pour on his head, and anoint him. And you shall bring his sons and clothe them with tunics. And you shall gird them with girdles, Aaron and his sons, and bind turbans on them. And the priest’s office shall be theirs for an everlasting statute. And you shall consecrate Aaron and his sons. And you shall cause a bull to be brought before the tabernacle of the congregation. And Aaron and his sons shall put their hands upon the head of the bull. And you shall kill the bull before the LORD, by the door of the tabernacle of the congregation. And you shall take of the blood of the bull, and put it on the horns of the altar with your finger, and pour all the blood beside the bottom of the altar. And you shall take all the fat that covers the inward parts, and the lobe on the liver, and the two kidneys, and the fat on them, and burn them upon the altar. But the flesh of the bull, and its skin, and its dung, you shall burn with fire outside the camp. It is a sin offering. And you shall also take one ram. And Aaron and his sons shall put their hands upon the head of the ram. And you shall kill the ram, and you shall take its blood and sprinkle all round upon the altar. And you shall cut the ram in pieces, and you shall wash its inward parts and its legs, and put them with its pieces and with its head. And you shall burn the whole ram upon the altar. It is a burnt offering to the LORD. It is a sweet savor, an offering made by fire to the LORD. And you shall take the other ram. And Aaron and his sons shall put their hands upon the head of the ram. Then you shall kill the ram, and take of its blood, and put it upon the tip of the ear of Aaron, and upon the tip of the right ear of his sons, and upon the thumb of their right hand, and upon the great toe of their right foot, and sprinkle the blood upon the altar all around. And you shall take of the blood on the altar, and of the anointing oil, and sprinkle it on Aaron, and on his garments, and on his sons, and on the garments of his sons with him. And he shall be hallowed, and his garments, and his sons, and his sons’ garments with him. Also you shall take from the ram the fat and the fat tail, and the fat that covers the inward parts, and the lobe on the liver, and the two kidneys and the fat on them, and the right shoulder, for it is a ram of consecration; and one loaf of bread, and one cake of oiled bread, and one wafer out of the basket of the unleavened bread that is before the LORD. And you shall put all in the hands of Aaron and in the hands of his sons, and shall wave them for a wave offering before the LORD. And you shall take them from their hands, and burn them upon the altar for a burnt offering, for a sweet savor before the LORD. It is an offering made by fire to the LORD. And you shall take the breast of the ram of Aaron’s consecration and wave it for a wave offering before the LORD. And it shall be your portion. And you shall sanctify the breast of the wave offering, and the thigh of the heave offering, which is waved, and which is lifted from the ram of the consecration, from what is Aaron’s, and from what is for his sons. And it shall be Aaron’s and his sons’ by a statute forever from the sons of Israel. For it is a heave offering. And it shall be a heave offering from the sons of Israel of the sacrifices of their peace offerings, even their heave offering to the LORD. And the holy garments of Aaron shall be his sons’ after him, to be anointed in them and consecrated in them. The one of his sons that is priest in his place shall put them on seven days, when he comes into the tabernacle of the congregation to minister in the holy place. And you shall take the ram of the consecration, and boil its flesh in the holy place. And Aaron and his sons shall eat the flesh of the ram and the bread that is in the basket, by the door of the tabernacle of the congregation. And they shall eat those things with which the atonement was made, to consecrate and to sanctify them. But a stranger shall not eat because they are holy. And if any of the flesh of the consecrations, or of the bread, remains until the morning, then you shall burn the remainder with fire. It shall not be eaten, because it is holy. And so you shall do to Aaron and to his sons according to all things which I have commanded you. You shall consecrate them seven days. And you shall offer every day a bull, a sin offering for atonement. And you shall cleanse the altar when you have made an atonement for it, and you shall anoint it to sanctify it. You shall make an atonement for the altar seven days, and sanctify it. And it shall be a most holy altar. Whatever touches the altar shall be holy.

Holy cooking instructions?  This has to be a joke.

And this is what you shall offer upon the altar: two lambs of the first year day by day forever. The one lamb you shall offer in the morning, and the other lamb you shall offer at evening. And with the one lamb a tenth part of flour mixed with the fourth part of a hin of beaten oil, and the fourth part of a hin of wine, a drink offering. And you shall offer the other lamb at evening; you shall do to it according to the meal offering of the morning, and according to its drink offering, for a sweet smell, an offering made by fire to the LORD. This shall be a burnt offering forever throughout your generations, at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation before the LORD, where I will meet you, to speak there to you. And there I will meet with the sons of Israel, and Israel shall be sanctified by My glory. And I will sanctify the tabernacle of the congregation and the altar. I will also sanctify both Aaron and his sons to minister to Me in the priest’s office. And I will dwell among the sons of Israel, and will be their God. And they shall know that I am the LORD their God, who brought them forth out of the land of Egypt so that I may dwell among them. I am the LORD their God.

More Holy cooking instructions. No way this was written in stone. 

Exodus 30

And you shall make an altar to burn incense upon. You shall make it of acacia-wood. A cubit shall be its length, and a cubit its breadth. It shall be square. And two cubits shall be the height of it, its horns from itself. And you shall overlay it with pure gold, its top, and its sides all around, and its horns. And you shall make to it a crown of gold all around. And you shall make two golden rings to it under the crown of it, by the two corners of it, upon the two sides of it you shall make it. And they shall be housings for the staves to bear it with. And you shall make the staves of acacia-wood and overlay them with gold. And you shall put it before the veil that is by the ark of the testimony, in front of the mercy-seat that is beside the testimony, where I will meet with you. And Aaron shall burn sweet incense on it every morning; when he dresses the lamps he shall burn it. And when Aaron lights the lamps at evening, he shall burn it, a perpetual incense before the LORD throughout your generations. You shall offer no strange incense on it, nor burnt sacrifice, nor meal offering. Neither shall you pour drink offering on it. And Aaron shall make an atonement upon the horns of it once in a year with the blood of the sin offerings of atonement. He shall. make atonement on it once in the year throughout your generations. It is most holy to the LORD.

Fuck this stupid book.  

And the LORD spoke to Moses saying, When you count the sons of Israel, of those who are to be counted, then they shall each man give a ransom for his soul to the LORD when you number them, so that there may be no plague among them when you number them. They shall give this, every one that passes among those who are counted, half a shekel after the shekel of the sanctuary (a shekel is twenty gerahs); a half shekel shall be the offering of the LORD. Everyone that passes among those who are numbered, from twenty years old and above, shall give an offering to the LORD. The rich shall not give more, and the poor shall not give less, than half a shekel, when they give an offering to the LORD to make an atonement for your souls. And you shall take the atonement silver of the sons of Israel, and shall appoint it for the service of the tabernacle of the congregation, so that it may be a memorial to the sons of Israel before the LORD, to make an atonement for your souls.

Flat tax for the temple.  Where did the 10% come from for conventional offering?

And the LORD spoke to Moses, saying, You shall also make a laver of bronze and its foot also of bronze, for washing. And you shall put it between the tabernacle of the congregation and the altar. And you shall put water in it, for Aaron and his sons shall wash their hands and their feet there. When they go into the tabernacle of the congregation, they shall wash with water so that they do not die. Or when they come near to the altar to minister, to burn an offering made by fire to the LORD, they shall wash their hands and their feet, so that they do not die. And it shall be a statute forever to them, to him and to his seed throughout their generations.

I bet you only atheists and bibles scholars have read these passages.

And the LORD spoke to Moses, saying, Take also to you principal spices, five hundred shekels of pure myrrh, and half as much of sweet cinnamon, even two hundred and fifty shekels, and two hundred and fifty shekels of sweet calamus, and five hundred of cassia, after the shekel of the sanctuary, and a hin of olive oil. And you shall make it an oil of holy ointment, an ointment compound after the art of the perfumer. It shall be a holy anointing oil. And you shall anoint the tabernacle of the congregation with it, and the ark of the testimony, and the table and all its vessels, and the lampstand and its vessels, and the altar of incense, and the altar of burnt offerings with all its vessels, and the laver and its foot. And you shall sanctify them so that they may be most holy. Whatever touches them shall be holy. And you shall anoint Aaron and his sons and consecrate them, so that they may minister to Me in the priest’s office. And you shall speak to the sons of Israel saying, This shall be a holy anointing oil to Me throughout your generations. It shall not be poured upon man’s flesh, neither shall you make any other like it, according to the way it is made. It is holy, and it shall be holy to you. Whoever compounds any like it, or whoever puts any of it upon a stranger, shall even be cut off from his people. And the LORD said to Moses, Take to yourself sweet spices, stacte, and onycha, and galbanum; sweet spices with pure frankincense, a part of each one. And you shall make it a perfume, an incense according to the art of the perfumer, salted, pure and holy. And you shall beat some of it very small, and put it before the testimony in the tabernacle of the congregation, where I will meet with you. It shall be most holy to you. And the perfume which you shall make, you shall not make any for yourselves according to the way it is made. It shall be holy to you for the LORD. Whoever shall make any like that, to smell of it, shall even be cut off from his people.

How to make incense, straight from the mouth of the LORD.